From what I've read so far the story is pretty good! There were a few times I was a bit confused with the plot and was taken out of the "narrative dream" but the confusion didn't last too long. I think if you studied active voice your sentences would be even stronger.
Read the story now
I really liked your description of detail and the main character's voice is very clear and understood!
Another thing that could improve the story is having more showing of the actions and characters rather than having the main character tell the reader about everyone. This just allows readers to come to their own conclusions of the character's we meet from their actions, voice, and dialogue.
Great story though :D