Intriguing but needs a bit improving
I really liked how you presented your characters and their appearances. The setting of the story is interesting. Also the plot seemed promising and has potential. But it needs a lot of polishing since it's your first time. There are some major editing that needs to be done like separating the point of views, flash back and narration. Try to stick with one point of view or use third person narration throughout the story. This doesn't make the readers lose focus. Also try reading a few popular authors book. That will provide you insight on the paragraph spacing and everything. And please try using a good book cover. Many of the times, book covers draw readers and you can create an amazing book cover using Canva app.
Read the story now
Trust me, in the beginning lots of writers face this problem, even I did! Big time! I also followed the same guidelines that I gave you. It really helped me a lot.
I'm encouraging you to fix your problems because I know you have lots of potential and you can do it. There might be times when you will feel down or you might feel like giving up, but don't stop ever.
Best of luck!