This story has a very promising opening. I can see it becoming quite a dark tale, hopefully with subtle little twists and turns throughout. I will say to watch out for 'over wordiness', which can often dog any writer when they get into the flow of their story, but other than that, well done. The characters are strong and it's clear you have done your research!Read the story now
I wish I could write poetry like this. It's clever because it also tells a story, too. I like the flow of it, the way sentences slip together as they should. Very good indeed. I have also started to read your others works, and will review them when finished. Keep going. Never stop.Read the story now
First off the ball, I can say that this 'devil' is one nasty piece of work! Second, he sure likes 'his' women!
This story reminds me of American Psycho (the novel). It's an eye-opener, and not one for those who have nervous disorders. It's well written, striking, and to the point. It also brings the whole 'God' thing into the foreground. Obviously, you can't have one without the other.
One thing I did notice: Right at the start you have put 'breath' when I think you mean 'breathe.'
Aside from that, well done. It's a proper scare story.
promising, but needs work
The overall flow of these chapters is not bad, and the characters do seem to have a spark to them. However there are a few grammatical issues here and there which need addressing so that the 'flow' of the words is less interrupted. Not so many full-stops whilst a character is speaking; likewise try to avoid too many commas in sentences, which can sometimes trip a reader up. Remember, reading a book should be easy, writing it is an absolute pain! That said, the author clearly has talent and obviously enjoys writing, so keep going whatever you do!Read the story now
This is a story that speaks of 'normal things not being what we think they are.' In this case, it's the train -- or is it a train -- that is taking Jett and Finn home. (or so they think). The writing style is good; fast-paced and scrolls very easily. I also enjoyed the slick humour that flows between the two central characters. It comes over as very natural, the way children actually speak, and to that I say well done! I would have liked a few more descriptions when they got off the train -- such as how the field or the night air smelt, or maybe seeing different star constellations in the sky, but all that can be added later.
I am now hooked on this, and will quite happily follow the whole story to its conclusion! Well done!
Richard D. Cooper.
Brilliant. No other word for it. As a writer myself, I understand how an idea like this can hatch and demand to be written! It speaks of many things; but mainly life as a whole. The thought of people forgetting you; being left behind, or ignored by those we love. Fantastic tale! Keep it up, Jessica. I will look out for more of your stories on here. Richard.Read the story now
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