Hearm Jan

www.sparkatale.com/users/view/1185

If you read my Zjjan Master, I surely return the favor. I like to hear someone's opinion about my work of course.

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For those who love vampire romance.

I can recommend this. It's good on its first chapter(I'm currently on first chapter).

Well, I've been reading vampire romance before but for now. I'm not yet onto this genre. But this book is qualified to what I like.

Sad, this is what I meant for adventure, if I'm searching,
.. An adventure is an event or series of events that happens outside the course of the protagonist's ordinary life, usually accompanied by danger, often by physical action. Adventure stories almost always move quickly, and the pace of the plot is at least as important as characterization, setting and other elements of a creative work.

-Good luck for this piece. It's really suit to my taste as a vampire fan.

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Sorry about my ratings.

I just press something and I can't help but be truthful. So then, I take a glance in some chapters.

Although this is not my kind of story, it is written just fine.

I'm just a reader searching for a thing to read.

-Hearm Jan

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Interactive Narration

This is why, I like interactive narration. Hi there! my countryman.

I'm still at chapter 3, but I hope our countrymen can read this awesome work of yours.

-Hearm Jan

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Well, I enjoy

Well, I enjoy reading the content down to the bottom. Well written, and has a mystery flavor.

-Hearm Jan

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Good to read

This story is good to read,

Although it's kind of horror and it has a mystery flavor.

I really don't like writing some spoilers inside the work, but if you're looking for a terrifying scene, and some kind of fantasy, adventure, horror, this would be best for you.

-Hearm Jan

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The story is good

Sorry that I take awhile before I write the review, I always try to adopt myself with the writing style, analyzing before giving critique. Sometimes I read the work four times, but on this story I read it one time. Your way of narrating is good, and has humor taste. You give the details and let your reader imagine it themselves. I can see everything.

Although I've given my previous comment.

-6/23/2016

I've finally finished reading this work. I don't know what it's like in the next Part, It leaves me some interesting ideas,

-Hearm Jan

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The atmosphere and control of plot

First of all, thanks for sharing it. At least, if I have time I'll read it bit by bit at home.

By the way, before my comments, do take note, It feels different for me to read works from web browser and an actual book.

Chapter one,
//Those intentions of each character here somehow bored me on the pacing of their conversation. Maybe you can allow them to think instead, rather than narrating their intentions.

Chapter two,
Two errors here - he has worked his uncle's
The man gave him a shrewd look as if wondering if Mukhtar was intentionally being I[What is this 'I'?] but rather
//I feel his uncle has an attitude of a girl, a lady or a bit childish. Try applying a lot of archaic, jargon, or informal words to his speech. Like, 'Crickey, youse hand me dough.' Or control the syllabic pronunciation of his wording. Because of this, there is some part on chapter three that he is not credible to speak such a thing.

Since, your work is quite long. Here is my overview including my expectation. The fantasy atmosphere I cannot feel it. The presentation of the work and characters are expressing realistic, in short, slice of life.

-Hearm Jan

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I find this interesting to read

There is not much to say,

For the long time searching I've found that I can read at home.

-Hearn Jan

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I really like the Writing Style

I found this story posted on Review Me Discussion Group. And the comments pique myself.
I already give the rating.

I'm just a reader looking for things to read.

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Good Storytelling!

Although this is not my kind of story. It flows just fine. I like how it was narrated and created.

Note: I have read until Chapter One.

-Happy Writings.

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Wanna take a ride?

Well, this made me remember on a story that someone wanted to paint a girl in their collage campus, and he really wanted to paint that girl, and he become a paranoid and stalker; most difficult he fell in a relationship with another woman. I forget the title, I tried to search it on my disoriented record list.

I feel like I'm spamming a review. This would be the last one for now.

This is a good read. I'm just a reader who always look for story to read.

-Hearm Jan

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A nice Adventure/Magic-Action/Fantasy

It's sad if I didn't give comments for this.

This is a great Action-Magic Fantasy.

,,,

I don't know what to comment anymore. Just take a look with yourself.

-Hearm Jan

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Great!

A story pushes you to recall the past to remind your with good memories as the life's adventure goes while the world continues to roll. And the old ones share those stories to those interested. It has great scenery.

I'm hoping to read more.

-Hearm Jan

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Has plenty of rooms to improve.

The work is fine for me. It contains plenty of actions. Though, I can't say it's engaging, The problems are written below.

First of all, words that are written here, are what I have in my vocabulary. I'm writing to communicate not to show perfection. And please don't treat them as offensive. I do apologized if I have written them like that.

I'm still at chapter 10. But I be mentioning something that are too repetitive to mention. And do take note, it's in my personal references that I'm writing this review: as a reader of warfare and only see warfare as an audience or citizen in the corresponding country yet I have my personal insights.

I'm not talking about how a book is written or how it should be written okay? Or how difficult you had written this book. Or you only want to present the action scenes. If you're talking about rush, you rush to the action scenes. But you forget to give weight of each of those actions.

This review is about my feedback about your work. Choices that you may pick. Please, I'm not perfect okay. So well, those tutorials that I read. My words that are written here, are my personal views. If you are following the technicalities of a certain publishing company, may be I'm not helpful. But in my country, we only care with the presentation yet practical.

*First of all, the narration won't fit to your presentation*

Change your narration to god-view and apply your personal rules.
-Narrate only: transitioning, actions, target of action, the objective of all plot, and many more. But don't get involve or give opinion much to your characters' thoughts and emotions about 'why' either 'may be' or 'because'. You can narrate the sense of touch, see, and intensified feelings.

Or use Deep First Person Instead.

-Each paragraph must have one target of pro-forms, of course depending of the situation if there are a he, a she, and an it. The rest of the objects must written to there name. Master the right way of point of view. Of course, personification is recommended.

-Let your characters expressed their emotions in thoughts or dialogues.

-Try to not apply much of literacy but apply plenty of relatable to a person.

Example:

Shiela and Marie walk to the sidewalk.

She supports her hands to her opposite elbows. "These vendors must not allowed here," has said by Shiela.

"You can't really blame them. They need money."

Remarks:

In the first paragraph, 'Shiela' is starting the sentence and paragraph.

But in the second sentence, I use 'she' that can't fly back to the first paragraph instead it will search the nearest subject inside the paragraph that it contains.

This is irritating for me. Jeremy moves down. Jeremy hops in. Jeremy..

The second point: 'She supports her hands to her opposite elbows' is giving effect to this dialogue 'These vendors must not allowed here'. And see that I use 'has' for perfect present tense and no adverb for 'said'. This is what you called commonsense.

And I aware the readers about Shiela and Marie. So the third paragraph has spoken by Marie. And it's Marie's view.

*Second: Apply tactical details (operation, investigation, deduction, etc) in your book.*

Which are very important that I find lacking with this book.

*Third: Improve the presentation of events, clear as possible that you can.*

Apply in narration: characters interacting to backgrounds and/or objects; positioning, time flow, reasons of actions, images, and other details.

I'm not talking about how good you are about standard grammar. Or good in breaking the rules. I'm talking about how your readers will relate the work without much of effort.

For example:

While wielding in both hands, the spearman trusts his weapon after his front foot has stepped forward. His approaching opponent has ducked and evaded the attack. I'm fucked up. has thought by the spearman.

Drawing his dagger from its sheath, the opponent slantingly swings up his attack. Nice opening. His dagger spins as it flies away as he has failed to reach the neck of his target due to his hand has bounced, smashed up by the spear segment.

*Control everything.*

Although, I always finish everything. Those above that I mentioned are what I found critical.


--Previous Below

Detailed Actions vs. Main Objective

The words flow well and the writing style is good. And it's good to read. It's just I already watch and read plenty of this kind of action. I want something like natural/realistic soldiers.

Need to improve.

Create sentences with four meaning or more to improve your action scenes. Your details are burying the main point.

For example: The angry gods send the land to drought.

It's kind of vague, but at least my mind will work.

Recommendation: Try to master the way of the flash fiction and apply them on your novel.

I be reading this anyway.

-Hearm Jan

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