Has plenty of rooms to improve.
The work is fine for me. It contains plenty of actions. Though, I can't say it's engaging, The problems are written below.
Read the story now
First of all, words that are written here, are what I have in my vocabulary. I'm writing to communicate not to show perfection. And please don't treat them as offensive. I do apologized if I have written them like that.
I'm still at chapter 10. But I be mentioning something that are too repetitive to mention. And do take note, it's in my personal references that I'm writing this review: as a reader of warfare and only see warfare as an audience or citizen in the corresponding country yet I have my personal insights.
I'm not talking about how a book is written or how it should be written okay? Or how difficult you had written this book. Or you only want to present the action scenes. If you're talking about rush, you rush to the action scenes. But you forget to give weight of each of those actions.
This review is about my feedback about your work. Choices that you may pick. Please, I'm not perfect okay. So well, those tutorials that I read. My words that are written here, are my personal views. If you are following the technicalities of a certain publishing company, may be I'm not helpful. But in my country, we only care with the presentation yet practical.
*First of all, the narration won't fit to your presentation*
Change your narration to god-view and apply your personal rules.
-Narrate only: transitioning, actions, target of action, the objective of all plot, and many more. But don't get involve or give opinion much to your characters' thoughts and emotions about 'why' either 'may be' or 'because'. You can narrate the sense of touch, see, and intensified feelings.
Or use Deep First Person Instead.
-Each paragraph must have one target of pro-forms, of course depending of the situation if there are a he, a she, and an it. The rest of the objects must written to there name. Master the right way of point of view. Of course, personification is recommended.
-Let your characters expressed their emotions in thoughts or dialogues.
-Try to not apply much of literacy but apply plenty of relatable to a person.
Shiela and Marie walk to the sidewalk.
She supports her hands to her opposite elbows. "These vendors must not allowed here," has said by Shiela.
"You can't really blame them. They need money."
In the first paragraph, 'Shiela' is starting the sentence and paragraph.
But in the second sentence, I use 'she' that can't fly back to the first paragraph instead it will search the nearest subject inside the paragraph that it contains.
This is irritating for me. Jeremy moves down. Jeremy hops in. Jeremy..
The second point: 'She supports her hands to her opposite elbows' is giving effect to this dialogue 'These vendors must not allowed here'. And see that I use 'has' for perfect present tense and no adverb for 'said'. This is what you called commonsense.
And I aware the readers about Shiela and Marie. So the third paragraph has spoken by Marie. And it's Marie's view.
*Second: Apply tactical details (operation, investigation, deduction, etc) in your book.*
Which are very important that I find lacking with this book.
*Third: Improve the presentation of events, clear as possible that you can.*
Apply in narration: characters interacting to backgrounds and/or objects; positioning, time flow, reasons of actions, images, and other details.
I'm not talking about how good you are about standard grammar. Or good in breaking the rules. I'm talking about how your readers will relate the work without much of effort.
While wielding in both hands, the spearman trusts his weapon after his front foot has stepped forward. His approaching opponent has ducked and evaded the attack. I'm fucked up. has thought by the spearman.
Drawing his dagger from its sheath, the opponent slantingly swings up his attack. Nice opening. His dagger spins as it flies away as he has failed to reach the neck of his target due to his hand has bounced, smashed up by the spear segment.
Although, I always finish everything. Those above that I mentioned are what I found critical.
Detailed Actions vs. Main Objective
The words flow well and the writing style is good. And it's good to read. It's just I already watch and read plenty of this kind of action. I want something like natural/realistic soldiers.
Need to improve.
Create sentences with four meaning or more to improve your action scenes. Your details are burying the main point.
For example: The angry gods send the land to drought.
It's kind of vague, but at least my mind will work.
Recommendation: Try to master the way of the flash fiction and apply them on your novel.
I be reading this anyway.