J.Rose

Los Angeles

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Heldran Quest for the king

It's a great story. The author is very detailed in her descriptions and I like how she weaved in mythology. From the moment you begin to read you find yourself wanting more. It's quite easy to digest the chapters. I like how the points of view change between Michael and Aria. This book has a lot of potential. The adventure and mystery aspect keeps you going and I look forward to the next book. I can definitely see many people wanting to read this and picking it up at my local book store.

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Needs work

Your story is interesting and you have the right idea. However, be careful not to list things describe your settings and characters more in order to create the right emotions and set up the scene properly. This really helps pull in readers.

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Good Start

I like what's been written so far in the story. It's too early to critique it as a whole because it's not complete. That being said it is headed in the right direction. The only thing I can say is to work on your Grammar and punctuation. Capitalize when needed, use a space after a period...these are small things that can be fixed.

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Interesting

The blurb of the story is pretty self explanatory. I have to say however that I don't quite agree with the main character handled her situation in regard to her and Ken in the beginning. The first few chapters were long but allowed you to see the relationship between her and Michael. I liked their dynamic. However, I did feel like the story took a while to get to the point of the main plot. Other than that the writers' style is great. It's easy to read.

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Great read.

From the moment you begin reading you take a liking to the main character Lea. She's relatable to readers and you feel for her as you come to know more about her especially her relationship with her mother. I love the relationship Lea has with Liam and Grace. The style of writing is comfortable and keeps you wanting to read. A very good book to read.

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Interesting

You have an interesting plot, your descriptions are alright. Some of your paragraphs are cut off mid sentence and start a new paragraph. You seem to be telling the readers at times what the main character is doing instead of describing. Be careful with that as this can turn off your readers and make the main character appear to be having runaway thoughts. Just work on these few things but other than that things look good so far from what I've read.

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Dark

This is seriously dark. I can see where you want to go with this story, it was really creepy. The use of harsh language was good but try not to have that be the main focus. Also there were many times where you listed what the person was doing instead of describing. Especially in the beginning.

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Incredible

From the moment you begin to read this story you won't be able to put it down. The main character is relatable and the core of the story is so interesting. The concept of not being able to dream is interesting, the way this world works and the views the main character has always keeps you wanting to read and go along with her own curiosity of the world.

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Needs Work

In your blurb, when you say "Forget her feelings" It is better to say forgot her feelings as you are speaking in past tense. In your intro when you say "but after a long time it started to slow down, flutter, and it eventually broke into pieces. Flutter is out of place and it takes away from what your trying to say. Replace this with another word that better describes the feeling of loss and heartbreak or simply take the word out. Try to be more descriptive with feelings. You seem to be listing the way Kiara feels and what she does instead of describing. When it comes to scenes, make sure that you set the mood using descriptive scenery and feelings. This will help the reader picture themselves there or even place themselves as Kiara. You seem to talk about Riley and there was a flashback of your past relationship. Be a bit more descriptive here with feelings and really set the scene up and the mood here so that people can really get the picture of just how in love Kiara was with him. It'll help the reader get a better understanding of their bond. You split the flashback into a few chapters but it might be better to put it all together in one chapter. You allude to a relationship with Travis as well but for many chapters you only focus on Riley and only mention Travis once in your first eleven chapters. When you get to him again, the relationship with him and Kiara is rushed into one chapter and lacks to portray a connection between the two. In a few of your chapters there was a bit of your thoughts (like this) or rushed descriptions. Try not to do that because it takes away from your story because it's cutting off what's going on and may put off some of your readers. You want the story to flow naturally and if the person reading is really into your book and is really loving it only to suddenly read that, it causes the story to stop. Overall, this story just needs to be revised a little more and you simply need to work on your descriptions, this is something that every author, including myself struggles with when we first begin. Try going back to your favorite book, look at the way the author describes the settings, character descriptions and feelings. This will really help you as a guide to how you should do descriptions and eventually as you grow more as a writer you'll find your own style. The story has potential and I wish you good luck.

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Awesome!

From the moment you begin this story the authors writing style and flow drag you in immediately. The plot of the story is very interesting and though the pace is slow you won't be bored with the way this authors writes. There are a few grammatical errors here and there but overall, this is a great story to read.

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Interesting

This is an interesting story. Within the first few lines the writer is able to capture your attention and ease you into the story.

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Needs Work

Your blurb gets to the point but at the same time doesn't say much about the story or the characters. Try giving a brief summary of your overall story or write a quote in the teaser. Romantic lines usually help. This story is just starting so I can't say much of it. There's not much dialogue and while I liked the beginning the main character gives too much of an explanation. At times there's a feel that she's a bit to comfortable and casual when she thinks. You want the reader to be comfortable with your character and watch the character grow. When I say she was a bit too comfortable and casual it felt like she was just having too many runaway thoughts. Be a bit more expressive with her emotions, let the readers know how she feels. The part about her not being good with people is great but it was emphasized in the same way too many times and felt crammed in the first two chapters. Try to be more descriptive with your scenes and characters. This is a new story so I can't give an overall rating based on three chapters. What I can say is that I do have a bit of a feel as to where it is the author wants to take the story. The things I mentioned could be improved over time and with practice. What this story needs is a bit of polish and a few more chapters so people can get a feel of the characters.

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Needs Work

Your story is interesting. I didn't realize this was a Loki fan fiction at first at least until I continued to read. Try to be a little more descriptive with scenes, feelings etc. Make sure that you set up your setting right so that they pull in more readers. You're listing things and rushing through scenes. Dialogue is important but you're not focusing enough time on emotions and setting up scenes as a whole. Doing this creates connections between the readers and your characters. I know descriptions are hard but for scenes, people and emotions you need to do this to set the mood in your story and have the reader feel what you want your character to be portraying at the moment. When it comes to POV's I also tend to switch back and forth. I was a bit confused in the beginning as to what was going in in the beginning because of the short introduction. "We met at a club" Describe the scene around him. Set the mood, describe the club and what he felt the moment he set his eyes on Kate and vise versa when she herself talks about the encounter. Overall, I think this has potential.

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Amazing!

From your first chapter, the first few words immediately pulled me in. This story is really interesting. I like Alex's character. As soon as I began to read I could tell how good this was going to be. You write very well and your descriptions are great. I see a lot of people struggle with that (Myself included) but you're doing a great job. Character introductions weren't rushed and from what I've read I really like how strong you've made your main character Alex out to be.

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Has Potential

Your concept is good. I find your idea interesting if I’m honest your blurb doesn’t give much away but it does catch peoples interest. Your first chapter felt rushed, you go straight into details and explaining so much right before going into your story. This can turn people off when they read. I suggest trying to weave in information as you set up the story. Your first scene starts in a train there are people there you can have your character Alex look at someone’s implant tattoo, even her own and start to talk about her world and what she thinks. She can look at an officer and give her opinion on the subject. You could even add a flashback or an interaction with her father so that she better explains why she chose to be a peacemaker.


This is important as the people reading can get a better feel of who she is as a person from the beginning and your readers will start to develop a bond with your character. Making their interest and attachment to her start to grow and they’ll want to continue to read. Another thing to watch out for is descriptions.


There wasn’t much on the BOTS you talked about or a description on Alex’s friend. When it comes to scenes to build the entire part of a story as a whole sometimes it feels rushed and there is very little of an explanation. When you talk about being outside there was very little detail. Try to be a little more descriptive as this helps set the scene up and people can get a better feel of what your characters wants to express. There were also emotions that at times felt like were passed over. Be careful not to list things. I felt that happened a lot in the beginning.


With Chapter three you didn’t talk much about the ways Sergeant Andrews mistreated Alex during training and you kind of rushed to mention it. It’s good to talk about things like these it gives readers a feel of how Alex perceives her Sergeant. There wasn’t much of a description on Andrews either, simply what color his eyes were. When it came to the dead body there wasn’t any sort of description simply a fact stating he was dead. I know descriptions are hard I still struggle with them and it’s not something I’ve perfected yet but because the title of this chapter was mainly about the dead body and there wasn’t much to go on it. There wasn’t much regarding how Alex felt when she saw the body either.

The story really picks up in chapter five. I could feel an improvement and I really liked Alex’s drunk scene with Andrews and the pool scene. Your descriptions were a lot nicer as well. Especially when you described the bar. I enjoyed the the following chapter but felt like Alex was found out a bit too fast in her undercover mission. I’ve made it to chapter 16 so far. Overall, I feel like this story does have a lot of potential.

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Nice

Your concept is very interesting and creative. When I first began to read this I felt your writing style was very simple. By that I mean that you ease readers on with your writing and it's easy to relate to your characters right from the start. I felt that way as Luna talked about herself and how she viewed herself and her sisters. I'm really enjoying your book.

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Good

Your prologue, immediately pulled me in. You were very descriptive from the beginning and I was immediately pulled in to your scene. However, there were moments that I felt you were simply having train of thoughts (Certain words chosen don’t seem to fit the story and to mean kind of break off the scene. When you Say “Speaking of, I hear shouting from yards away” or “It comes out hurried, like I can’t wait and I can’t. I feels like rushed dialog or thoughts just t try to move on with the scene. Be careful of that it breaks away from the story and what is going on. After that, things seemed to flow well in your story. The plot is very interesting and I really like Chase and Violet. I think this story is definitely headed in the right direction.

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Very interesting

I'll be honest and say that this isn't; exactly the type of book I would usually pick up. It was very interesting and just a bit confusing from chapter one to chapter two. Be careful when you change characters through each chapter as that might confuse a few readers or seem bit tedious to others. I think your characters are very interesting and this story has a lot of potential.

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A bit confusing

The concept of your story is interesting. However, I felt as though the first chapter needed just a bit more in the introduction as far as setting the scene up for the character and the mood but overall the first chapter is very interesting and keeps you on your toes. Each chapter seemed to be a new introduction of a new character. This isn't necessarily bad but for the first few chapters it was a bit confusing. I tends to switch character points of view myself so just be careful with that because it can be a bit confusing when you start your chapters and your confused as to who you're reading about a new character or an old one. Careful on your he and she's sometimes you mix those up. Also be a little more descriptive with your characters emotions. In chapter 5 Nara's feelings on his mother being sick feel a bit too vague and you don't go into much detail with what happened when Nara left with Dalair. Chapter six felt more like an introduction to the character Eri than chapter 1. I liked the way chapter six began as you can get a bit of better feel as to who Eri is.

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Good Start

There's not much I can say since the story is not finished. However, based on the two chapters that were written I can tell that the author is a great writer and I loved her descriptions which were simple but very well written. I loved the two main characters and I am looking forward to reading what will happen next.

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Needs some work.

I can tell you have a great idea in mind but there are a few things you need to work on. When you talk about emotions you need to emphasize a little more and describe your main characters feelings a little more. Be careful not to list things when you write as well. Something I also noticed was the way your main character was talking. Her tone seems a bit flighty, by that I mean that you need to be careful that your main character doesn't get too comfortable. What we want as authors is for our main characters to be liked by the readers. However, getting too comfortable is a bad thing as it seems like your character has runaway thoughts and talks a bit too causally. You want to let the reader know what your character is thinking but runaway thoughts turn the reader off so just be careful with that. I can't fully say anything about the story as you only have two chapters. However, overall you do have a great idea just work on a few things and your story will flow so much better. Good luck!

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Lost in Paradise

Overall this book was great. I love fantasy books and this definitely had plenty of adventure and of course so many different types of creatures. This was a great sea adventure as well. I enjoyed reading it though I admit I preferred Ianthe to Zander. Great read and I can't wait for the next book.

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Great

Even though this story is still not finished you can tell the author is putting in a lot of work as she writes with lots of detail when it comes to the government which her characters are in. I'm looking forward to seeing where this book is going.

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Amazing!

From the moment you begin reading you want to keep going. You can tell just how much work and effort this author made when she began writing this book. The world she created and the back story is amazing. You really feel for her main character Seraphina. Things seemed to flow naturally as she introduced new characters and each twist was fun to read. I would recommend this book to everyone. It's a fun read and as I said before, you can tell how much work and thought the author put in when she wrote about this world and the powers given. The back story to Seraphina and how she got her powers is interesting.

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Nice

From the moment you begin to read the writer pulls you in. The tone in the beginning is very light and you enjoy reading it. The writer has a way of easing you through her story which you easily enjoy.

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Good

What an interesting and good read. The author is great at letting people know her main character and her bond with Riley. The only thing I can criticize about it is there is too much spacing but other than that everything else was good.

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Needs Some Work.

You remind me so much of when I started writing. You have a good idea as to where it is you want to take your story which is a good thing. However, there are a few things that you need to do in order to polish your story just a bit and improve as a writer. I myself still struggle with these things so don't worry too much about grammar and punctuations when you write at this point but do try to go back and read your own things in order to catch a few things you might have missed. Be more descriptive with scenes in your story along with feelings and character descriptions. This will really help pull in an audience emotionally. I noticed you have a lot of dialogue and its not necessarily a bad thing but you're not setting up your scenes well enough so that readers can imagine what you're seeing as you write. You want your vision to go out just like you yourself are thinking as you write it. Don't give your characters name Jessie: and then give the dialogue. Or write (I shouted) use quotations when you write so as to not cut off from the story. It feels more like a script to a play when you do that. I myself have a few things to polish in my own writing as I mentioned before mainly my Punctuation and Grammar but I still do struggle with descriptions which I know are very hard. Dialogue and the way you do it is important it can either give more or take away from your story. Go back to your favorite book and study it. By that I mean, check the way the author writes when their characters are speaking. What tone they use when the character is thinking something, how they portray feelings and how the author sets up settings. Then go back to your writing change what you can, read your own stories and figure out what your style is and in time you will be able to slowly begin to polish and perfect what you write. I hope this helps and Good Luck with your story!

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Excellent!

There aren't many writers on here that can immediately capture your attention within the first few lines of their book. This story starts off fast paced, filled with mystery. What starts of quick keeps you on your toes and as the story begins you fall in love with the main character Onyx instantly. She's bubbly, sarcastic and there is no other word other than spunky, that describes her. I loved how she was introduced and the relationships she has with both of her parents, and her uncle Callum. Magic and mystery, adventure go hand in hand. There's a light tone of silliness that the main character has and this keeps you smiling. This is no doubt a great read and one of the best books on here.

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Original

It's a satire comedy on religion. I think you do a very good job using the main character to make jokes about religion. This might not be for everyone of course but I think you have a very interesting concept.

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Great

Your plot is very interesting. When I read your summary I knew it would be a good read. As I began to read your story I did notice a few things. While your writing is really great I feel as though this is more of a play. The way you set up your scenes are very much like that. Overall, this story really is good and I know it has a lot of potential. I will keep reading.

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Interesting

This story right from the start really does grab your attention. There are many things that I liked about this but what I did enjoy was how the pov's changed. This is that first time I've read something like this in the sense that both Dominic and Cassidy are both strong characters which you can empathize with. When you begin to read it is quite easy to take sides. Especially after reading about Dominic's past. However, Cassidy herself is such a strong character you can't help but like both of them. The authors writing style keeps you on your toes. Every single detail in the book seems well thought out. I'm impressed with how much this book continues to push you to keep reading. With each chapter you read you find yourself wanting more. There is so much to this story I enjoyed reading it until the very end.

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Love it!

I've read many books on Inkitt. Most of these books are confusing or I'm not much of a fan of the genre. This book is completely different and is on a whole different level. Your book is so good! From the moment I began to read I could not seem to put it down. You're very descriptive, your dialogue is not only great but some of it is funny, something I enjoy in a book. I love your character Hanna and your plot is interesting. I have not finished reading it but I plan on it. Your writing for lack of a better word feels complete. This is a great read and I would pick this up if I saw it a library or a bookstore. Compared to my own writing this really made me feel like a rookie (which I am still) These are the type of books I love. The kind that have the ability to pull you in immediately and make you love the main character as soon as you get to meet them. I usually determine if I'll like a book by ready the summary in the back and the first chapter. If the first chapter is boring I'll skim through it and see if the book eventually gets better. However, this was one of those books that had all the things I was looking for. Honestly, the best I've read on here so far! Will definitely continue reading! I'm on chapter 3 right now and I will come back when I'm done reading with more thoughts. (Sorry if this was too long but I really did love this!) You're a great writer.

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Nice

I think this was a good read. The only thing I can tell you is on your blurb it is a short summary of what your story is about but you seem to give away too much in them something that I have noticed in all your works. Other than that you did a great write and I have noticed that you have improved your writing from other works I have read.

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Okay

I thought the way you started was very good. Your analogy was great. Because this was a short story I enjoyed it there were many good points to it the only thing I can say that might need improvement is to be.just a bit more descriptive especially with the gift that was received that seemed to turn the story around to a positive note. You also need to work on emotions describe more the pain your main character feels and the struggle. Other than that good job.

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One of the best books I've read so far!

This is honestly great. I love the way you wrote this out and your story is emotional enough really drag the reader in as if you were watching something play out right in front of you. I really loved your book.

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Interesting

Your plot is good but at moments I felt like you were trying to force a bit of what was going on with Sam in order to explain what was happening. Be a bit more descriptive with surroundings it would help set the scene better especially if you want fear to be evoked which at certain moments happened. Also Chapter 1 and two are both introducing Sam again when you start. With the first chapter that's fine but for the second it's not necessary. Overall, you did a great job.

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Interesting

I just started reading your story and I really do like it. The beginning is fast paced and I don't mind that at all. It makes the story great and keep you on your toes. However I felt like emotions were overlooked as far as the death scene other than that everything else is great and I will continue reading.

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Awesome

I'm just a few chapters in but overall your story is pretty interesting. Although I did fee like your beginning was a bit rushed at certain points. And as far as descriptions I feel that sometimes they are very vague but overall it's a great book to read. Your plot is. very interesting and your characters have unique great personalities. Nice job.

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Needs improvement

Your blurb I felt needed a better description. The overall story had a lot of grammar mistakes. I felt as though this story was rushed. Talk about feelings, scenery, descriptions and talking about emotions are essential to every story. This helps the person reading see what you want them to look at when they read your stories. There was too much going on so quick. You can talk about a past. What was the main characters relationship like with his father before all this happened. Give good memory flashbacks if necessary as he is thinking about taking his own life. Give readers a more emotional story so that they are pulled in and they can relate to your story. The ending of chapter two felt rushed and what I can say is that this story needs improvement.

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You need to work on it.

From the first line you wrote I felt that there was a lot of work that was needed. You seem to be speaking through a lot of this including the dialogue. Even though you should want your readers to have that sense you shouldn't divulge directly that way. You need to work on your descriptions of not only people, but of surroundings and emotions. You rush through scenes without really giving important dialogue especially in the beginning. Though you give key points here and there you need to work on what you want your readers to feel as they read your story. Overall, there is always room to improve.

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Great Story

I'm still not done reading but from the first chapter I was hooked. I'm in chapter 4 already and there is so much going on I love it! I don't have much feedback to give you because you really seem to know what you're doing. Great job. Great story! I will keep reading!

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