J.Rose

Los Angeles

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My Serial Killer

I think your story has an interesting plot. However your blurb is part of your first chapter if you want to attract more readers try to write a quick summary on what your story will be about. If you still want to include part of your first chapter, you can always place that in the teaser. Try to be careful with listing things. While your descriptions were okay, you seemed to list what your character was doing and the same applied for when there was dialogue. Descriptions and setting scenes up along with describing feelings help pull readers into your story making them feel like their watching a movie or that they themselves are the main character. When you list things and rush through scenes it cuts the emotions off and readers might lose interest. By setting the right mood in the scene it places the readers there with the character and by describing emotions whether they be love, sadness, pain, anger, fear, this all helps the reader have a better understanding of the character. It builds an attachment which caused readers to either love or hate whichever character is speaking. This way, people will want to continue to read wanting to see the journey of each character good or bad.

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Needs Work

Your story is interesting. I didn't realize this was a Loki fan fiction at first at least until I continued to read. Try to be a little more descriptive with scenes, feelings etc. Make sure that you set up your setting right so that they pull in more readers. You're listing things and rushing through scenes. Dialogue is important but you're not focusing enough time on emotions and setting up scenes as a whole. Doing this creates connections between the readers and your characters. I know descriptions are hard but for scenes, people and emotions you need to do this to set the mood in your story and have the reader feel what you want your character to be portraying at the moment. When it comes to POV's I also tend to switch back and forth. I was a bit confused in the beginning as to what was going in in the beginning because of the short introduction. "We met at a club" Describe the scene around him. Set the mood, describe the club and what he felt the moment he set his eyes on Kate and vise versa when she herself talks about the encounter. Overall, I think this has potential.

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Amazing!

From your first chapter, the first few words immediately pulled me in. This story is really interesting. I like Alex's character. As soon as I began to read I could tell how good this was going to be. You write very well and your descriptions are great. I see a lot of people struggle with that (Myself included) but you're doing a great job. Character introductions weren't rushed and from what I've read I really like how strong you've made your main character Alex out to be.

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Has Potential

Your concept is good. I find your idea interesting if I’m honest your blurb doesn’t give much away but it does catch peoples interest. Your first chapter felt rushed, you go straight into details and explaining so much right before going into your story. This can turn people off when they read. I suggest trying to weave in information as you set up the story. Your first scene starts in a train there are people there you can have your character Alex look at someone’s implant tattoo, even her own and start to talk about her world and what she thinks. She can look at an officer and give her opinion on the subject. You could even add a flashback or an interaction with her father so that she better explains why she chose to be a peacemaker.


This is important as the people reading can get a better feel of who she is as a person from the beginning and your readers will start to develop a bond with your character. Making their interest and attachment to her start to grow and they’ll want to continue to read. Another thing to watch out for is descriptions.


There wasn’t much on the BOTS you talked about or a description on Alex’s friend. When it comes to scenes to build the entire part of a story as a whole sometimes it feels rushed and there is very little of an explanation. When you talk about being outside there was very little detail. Try to be a little more descriptive as this helps set the scene up and people can get a better feel of what your characters wants to express. There were also emotions that at times felt like were passed over. Be careful not to list things. I felt that happened a lot in the beginning.


With Chapter three you didn’t talk much about the ways Sergeant Andrews mistreated Alex during training and you kind of rushed to mention it. It’s good to talk about things like these it gives readers a feel of how Alex perceives her Sergeant. There wasn’t much of a description in Andrews either, simply what color his eyes were. When it came to the dead body there wasn’t any sort of description simply a fact stating he was dead. I know descriptions are hard I still struggle with them and it’s not something I’ve perfected yet but because the title of this chapter was mainly about the dead body and there wasn’t much to go on it. There wasn’t much regarding how Alex felt when she saw the body either.

The story really picks up in chapter five. I could feel an improvement and I really liked Alex’s drunk scene with Andrews and the pool scene. Your descriptions were a lot nicer as well. Especially when you described the bar. I enjoyed the the following chapter but felt like Alex was found out a bit too fast in her undercover mission. I’ve made it to chapter 16 so far. Overall, I feel like this story does have a lot of potential.

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Nice

Your concept is very interesting and creative. When I first began to read this I felt your writing style was very simple. By that I mean that you ease readers on with your writing and it's easy to relate to your characters right from the start. I felt that way as Luna talked about her self and how she viewed herself and her sisters. I'm really enjoying your book.

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Good

Your prologue, immediately pulled me in. You were very descriptive from the beginning and I was immediately pulled in to your scene. However, there were moments that I felt you were simply having train of thoughts (Certain words chosen don’t seem to fit the story and to mean kind of break off the scene. When you Say “Speaking of, I hear shouting from yards away” or “It comes out hurried, like I can’t wait and I can’t. I feels like rushed dialog or thoughts just t try to move on with the scene. Be careful of that it breaks away from the story and what is going on. After that, things seemed to flow well in your story. The plot is very interesting and I really like Chase and Violet. I think this story is definitely headed in the right direction.

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Very interesting

I'll be honest and say that this isn't; exactly the type of book I would usually pick up. It was very interesting and just a bit confusing from chapter one to chapter two. Be careful when you change characters through each chapter as that might confuse a few readers or seem bit tedious to others. I think your characters are very interesting and this story has a lot of potential.

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A bit confusing

The concept of your story is interesting. However, I felt as though the first chapter needed just a bit more in the introduction as far as setting the scene up for the character and the mood but overall the first chapter is very interesting and keeps you on your toes. Each chapter seemed to be a new introduction of a new character. This isn't necessarily bad but for the first few chapters it was a bit confusing. I tends to switch character points of view myself so just be careful with that because it can be a bit confusing when you start your chapters and your confused as to who you're reading about a new character or an old one. Careful on your he and she's sometimes you mix those up. Also be a little more descriptive with your characters emotions. In chapter 5 Nara's feelings on his mother being sick feel a bit too vague and you don't go into much detail with what happened when Nara left with Dalair. Chapter six felt more like an introduction to the character Eri than chapter 1. I liked the way chapter six began as you can get a bit of better feel as to who Eri is.

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Love it!

I love the way this book started. I'm a huge fan of jumping back and forth from past to present and vise versa. I tend to do that myself. I feel like when you do this it gives you a better feel of the characters and you can understand the a lot more. I will definitely keep reading.

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Original

It's a satire comedy on religion. I think you do a very good job using the main character to make jokes about religion. This might not be for everyone of course but I think you have a very interesting concept.

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Great

Your plot is very interesting. When I read your summary I knew it would be a good read. As I began to read your story I did notice a few things. While your writing is really great I feel as though this is more of a play. The way you set up your scenes are very much like that. Overall, this story really is good and I know it has a lot of potential. I will keep reading.

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Interesting

This story right from the start really does grab your attention. There are many things that I liked about this but what I did enjoy was how the pov's changed. This is that first time I've read something like this in the sense that both Dominic and Cassidy are both strong characters which you can empathize with. When you begin to read it is quite easy to take sides. Especially after reading about Dominic's past. However, Cassidy herself is such a strong character you can't help but like both of them. The authors writing style keeps you on your toes. Every single detail in the book seems well thought out. I'm impressed with how much this book continues to push you to keep reading. With each chapter you read you find yourself wanting more. There is so much to this story I enjoyed reading it until the very end.

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Love it!

I've read many books on Inkitt. Most of these books are confusing or I'm not much of a fan of the genre. This book is completely different and is on a whole different level. Your book is so good! From the moment I began to read I could not seem to put it down. You're very descriptive, your dialogue is not only great but some of it is funny, something I enjoy in a book. I love your character Hanna and your plot is interesting. I have not finished reading it but I plan on it. Your writing for lack of a better word feels complete. This is a great read and I would pick this up if I saw it a library or a bookstore. Compared to my own writing this really made me feel like a rookie (which I am still) These are the type of books I love. The kind that have the ability to pull you in immediately and make you love the main character as soon as you get to meet them. I usually determine if I'll like a book by ready the summary in the back and the first chapter. If the first chapter is boring I'll skim through it and see if the book eventually gets better. However, this was one of those books that had all the things I was looking for. Honestly, the best I've read on here so far! Will definitely continue reading! I'm on chapter 3 right now and I will come back when I'm done reading with more thoughts. (Sorry if this was too long but I really did love this!) You're a great writer.

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Nice

I think this was a good read. The only thing I can tell you is on your blurb it is a short summary of what your story is about but you seem to give away too much in them something that I have noticed in all your works. Other than that you did a great write and I have noticed that you have improved your writing from other works I have read.

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Okay

I thought the way you started was very good. Your analogy was great. Because this was a short story I enjoyed it there were many good points to it the only thing I can say that might need improvement is to be.just a bit more descriptive especially with the gift that was received that seemed to turn the story around to a positive note. You also need to work on emotions describe more the pain your main character feels and the struggle. Other than that good job.

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One of the best books I've read so far!

This is honestly great. I love the way you wrote this out and your story is emotional enough really drag the reader in as if you were watching something play out right in front of you. I really loved your book.

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Interesting

Your plot is good but at moments I felt like you were trying to force a bit of what was going on with Sam in order to explain what was happening. Be a bit more descriptive with surroundings it would help set the scene better especially if you want fear to be evoked which at certain moments happened. Also Chapter 1 and two are both introducing Sam again when you start. With the first chapter that's fine but for the second it's not necessary. Overall, you did a great job.

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Interesting

I just started reading your story and I really do like it. The beginning is fast paced and I don't mind that at all. It makes the story great and keep you on your toes. However I felt like emotions were overlooked as far as the death scene other than that everything else is great and I will continue reading.

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Awesome

I'm just a few chapters in but overall your story is pretty interesting. Although I did fee like your beginning was a bit rushed at certain points. And as far as descriptions I feel that sometimes they are very vague but overall it's a great book to read. Your plot is. very interesting and your characters have unique great personalities. Nice job.

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Needs improvement

Your blurb I felt needed a better description. The overall story had a lot of grammar mistakes. I felt as though this story was rushed. Talk about feelings, scenery, descriptions and talking about emotions are essential to every story. This helps the person reading see what you want them to look at when they read your stories. There was too much going on so quick. You can talk about a past. What was the main characters relationship like with his father before all this happened. Give good memory flashbacks if necessary as he is thinking about taking his own life. Give readers a more emotional story so that they are pulled in and they can relate to your story. The ending of chapter two felt rushed and what I can say is that this story needs improvement.

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You need to work on it.

From the first line you wrote I felt that there was a lot of work that was needed. You seem to be speaking through a lot of this including the dialogue. Even though you should want your readers to have that sense you shouldn't divulge directly that way. You need to work on your descriptions of not only people, but of surroundings and emotions. You rush through scenes without really giving important dialogue especially in the beginning. Though you give key points here and there you need to work on what you want your readers to feel as they read your story. Overall, there is always room to improve.

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Great Story

I'm still not done reading but from the first chapter I was hooked. I'm in chapter 4 already and there is so much going on I love it! I don't have much feedback to give you because you really seem to know what you're doing. Great job. Great story! I will keep reading!

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