Joseph David Green

I write, therefor I am written

If no one's written the story you want to read the most then write it yourself.

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This Story Needs a Serious Rewrite.

I should admit that, at this moment, I have not been able to read much of this story, and in respect I will leave the rating at a middle 3 for all because I have not read the entirety of your work yet. However, I have read the first few chapters and given a quick skim through the rest, and I'm afraid I have to say that there are an awful lot of problems with your story in its current state.

First I'll start with the layout. This has already been mentioned in other reviews I've seen of your book: you seem to be writing this story as if it were a script for a movie or TV show. That would be fine if it was meant to be a script. You can easily fix this by changing specific terminology, removing character names before their dialogue, giving more time to detail, etc. If you have not already, look up some examples of novels with genres and themes similar to yours and read them. It'll hep you get an idea of what I mean.

Secondly, your idea seems very simplistic and barren. What I mean by this is that there doesn't seem to be much that fleshes it out or makes it feel real. I admitted to only reading a few chapters already, but with respect you have 68 chapters and each are incredibly short and unnaturally spaced out. The first chapter especially seems to just suddenly cut. It feels very inappropriate. (Also on the subject of chapters, a few of them are written in a different language [Capitulo]. While this isn't a huge problem, it is a sign of inconsistency. You should make sure all of your chapter titles are in the language, unless there's a reason for it to be otherwise) You seem to be skimming through events as quickly as you can, and for a novel that's often a very bad idea. You don't spend much time building the world, describing it, getting to know the characters, developing their character. As a reader, this doesn't make me feel like reading on. The reader needs something to hook them, and at the moment this appears to be lacking. I'd suggest a thorough alteration of the idea, so that you can decide what the focus will properly be on, and what the world should look like. If you do this then I promise your readers will have a much more entertaining time reading your book.

You should also take a real look at how the characters talk. It doesn't feel natural. In fact it feels very alien. That would be fine if they were meant to be aliens. The dialogue is full of cliches, which can sometimes be okay but in large quantities are infuriating. This is something you especially need to go back and fix. Characters can be a massive fix for any story, and like I said above, if the reader has nothing to fix them into the story they won't want to continue reading it. A character should feel real, human. Even if that character is not human, they should feel it. Take a loot at some famous literature characters, watch a few great movies with memorable characters. You'll see what I mean. They need dialogue that fits the character, that makes them feel like characters. It doesn't have to be Shakespear level, but good enough to be believable, and with the current state its in this is one of the biggest deterrents I had with reading on.

The final point I would like to make is on the massive lack of detail and description in your story. Some writers don't like describing their world in large chunks for the reader, which is fine. You are allowed to write your own story however you want, and I'm not going to tell you otherwise. However, even if detail and description are not a massive focus of your story, you need something! There is barely any that I noticed in this story. From the first chapter the reader knows nothing about the country of Pitbull or the city of Volcano, other then that it's in Medieval times (which is not a very good or specific descriptive to be honest. The medieval period lasted around 1000 years [5th-15th Century].) Describe a little bit about your world, what it looks like, how it works. Go into just a little bit of detail about even the smallest of things, be creative with your descriptions. Try describing something in a way that is unique and interesting, don't just say that someone has brown hair. Say they have flowing chestnut locks. If everyone has the same bland, simple description then no one is interesting.Like I said, you don't have to insert tones of description - a lack of detail can sometimes be just as effective - but you need enough to make the world feel real, and you need it in the right places.

Other then that I don't think there's much else I could add. I don't want you to think I'm trying to attack you because that's not the case. Even with all these flaws, there is an interesting idea behind it. I wrote this review in the hopes to point out what I found to be flaws in your works. Please see this as a chance to improve. As I said, if you do not feel it applies you do not have to follow all of this advice. I'm telling you this because I truly believe it would improve your works.

I hope you take this to heart, and go back to improve upon this story. Seriously, this idea could work well, it just needs a massive amount of refining. I might decide to read through more of it, in which case I will leave another, proper review containing my honest opinion. Till then, keep writing.

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