Laura Heasley

A dialysis nurse working towards my bachelor's degree, but writing is my true passion :)

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Emily Tual

While it wasn't a bad read, it didn't hook me very well. The lack of descriptions made it difficult to know where everything was. The repetitive words became very tedious, mainly the chosen one and the man with the German accent. There is nothing wrong with using Emily's full name every now and then. As for the man with the German accent, I get that you were keeping his name secret at first (I'm assuming Magician was his real name) but that especially got boring and lengthy after a while, especially when describing him and his men. The plot itself was interesting at first, and then I realized it was just one big circle. Emily gets kidnapped, tortured, the classic bad guy getting ready to kill her and is then stopped at the last minute, then rinse and repeat. I thought for sure when she was rescued by Gabriel and the others that it would have led to Emily learning more about the book or developing some sort of power or magic.

All in all, this has potential but needs some touching up first. Good luck with everything!

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Lovely

I'm usually not a fan of poetry but this was written really well. A nice read. I'm looking forward to reading more.

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Not bad

Out of the 6 chapters that I have read so far, it is not bad. I haven't read that many werewolf novels so I am still a little new. Grammar definitely needs some touchup.

To me, the prologue seems a little unnecessary. It threw me off also because, by the time I got to the next chapter, it had switched to first-person perspective, rather than 3rd person perspective. Nothing wrong with that, except I had no clue who the narrator was at first. I thought it was Logan, in the beginning. I'm guessing it's to let the reader know who is who among the pack. However, if Rosetta learns about it later on, it seems like it would be easier to just scratch the prologue, especially since it is the same scene we witness through her eyes later on.

Speaking of the pack, I understand that it is important to identify who is the Alpha, Beta, Luna, etc. At the same time, physically calling them those terms as nicknames seems odd. Especially if this is part of some esoteric secret, calling someone Alpha instead of their actual name seems like it would be more likely to let things slip. Basically, the pack should know who is Alpha and Beta without having to actually call them that.

I have a lot of other notes that I took down through these chapters, but I'll try to stick with the main ones. When the car crash happens, Rosetta blacked out before the car impacted anything. That, to me, seems a little unrealistic. Does she hit the airbag and then get knocked out? Or does it fail to deploy and she hits the steering wheel? Same thing for when they wake up. There's not a whole lot of description after the fact. Is there any bleeding? Are her ears ringing? Is she dazed and confused? Even though the car is on its side, Rosetta has to escape through the sunroof? What about the other door? Is that how Dylan got out? Also, once she gets out and calls Val for help, even though she is bleeding, she just forgets about it. Obviously, heat is important, but so is bleeding out. Maybe just add in a line where she keeps one hand on her forehead for pressure or something? Also, with her minor injuries, rest is important, but why is she in a wheelchair? She doesn't appear to be limping or have any sprained/broken ankles. It seems unnecessary.

In chapter 3, when Dylan and Jordan are fighting, you use the term 'deadpanned' when Dylan is yelling at him. Deadpanned is more saying something humorous but in a serious manner.

In chapter 4, the chaos of breakfast time is interrupted when Caleb strides in and doesn't resume until he speaks. I understand again that he is the Alpha, but that seems off to me. And, even though she admits that Logan is hot, Rosetta expresses disdain for him immediately. Some people might get flattered. Is there a reason she gets agitated, or is it the classic hard-to-get style? Learning more about Rosetta might make it a little easier.

With chapter 5, when CeCe is introduced, you have the line "Eyes widened when I noticed her scar..." mentioned once, but then is repeated only a few sentences later. And, I would try and give a little more explanation as to why she is so adamant in the beginning about not going on a date with Logan.

And, even though it is winter, the snow melts enough for a picnic. Are they in the middle of winter, or is it closer to spring? The latter might make a little more sense for that scene, even if it was a nice day out. When Rosetta learns about Logan's parents, she drops her sandwich in shock, but then never picks it up again for the remainder of the picnic. Maybe lace that in there somehow, saying she once she recovered from the initial shock? Or, oppositely, say that hearing about their death made her lose her appetite. And, you have her brush off 'invisible dust' when they are leaving. While I get what you mean, the invisible dust seems odd. If she is outside, how about she brushes off some snow? Or, since they were leaving hastily with a wolf, I would worry less about what was on my clothes and be more in a rush to get away.

After everything that happened, the nonchalance with which Val reveals the big family secret is a little unrealistic. For something that has been kept quiet for several years, only to be so casually talked about after a little run in with a wolf doesn't seem right. It goes from "Super secret, can't tell you." to "Oh, hey, this is Caleb, my werewolf fiance". I'm struggling with this in my story as well, but I would try to make it more serious. Maybe have them wait until they get back to the mansion to explain?

Sorry if this is a little long, but I hope it helps! Good luck with everything!!

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Nice start

This definitely has the potential to become a good story. The grammar and punctuation was the biggest thing that kept sticking out. I would recommend a website like Grammarly.com or any other grammar website to proofread your work beforehand.

I think someone else mentioned this before, either in another review or a comment on one of the chapters, but there is a lack of detail. We don't know what Celeste looks like, or anyone else in the story. Especially when the King of Versailles is introduced, someone who is a main character to the story should be described in detail so that the readers can get an idea of who everyone looks like. Also, I would suggest adding a little more pondering in the 2nd chapter. We don't really know why Celeste would agree to be the protector or someone she hates who just slaughtered nearly everyone in her village. Maybe give a small amount of backstory now, just enough to keep the reader interested, and then unveil everything in later chapters? Just an idea.

Overall, this is an interesting plot, and I look forward to see how it improves! Good luck!

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Interesting

The idea of an older gentleman wishing to be young is not that uncommon but I like the way that you were able to make this a reality. Unfortunately, the grammar and punctuation issues make it difficult for me particularly to proceed properly but I will do my best. Also, nothing really flows properly. One minute he is in the dream, then he wakes up, only to go right back into the dream again. It seems very jumbled together, very rushed. Also, the way he goes from a wheelchair to a walker seems abrupt. If I'm understanding this correctly, it seems like every time he goes to the dreams, he wakes up a little healthier? If not, then the way he is wheelchair bound, then next thing you know he is walking with a walker is a little unrealistic, even for a fiction novel.

Also, in the second chapter, the whole scene where he is 'dying' but still 'alive' is very awkward and difficult to follow in my opinion. Something needs to be fixed in there so that it flows properly so readers can understand. Is he a ghost at that point? Is he watching this from a different perspective? It seems to me that one minute he is in the bathroom standing up, then the next, people are carrying him off in a body bag.

Those were just a few things that really stood out to me. This is a very interesting plot with lots of potential, but it also needs a lot of work as well. Best of luck with everything!

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Incredible!

Upon reading the blurb and seeing that it was about primates, my first thought was that it would be similar to Planet of the Apes. The monkeys and a serum created to enhance their intelligence are the only things that match. Everything else has completely spun off to something original and intriguing. The first chapter had me hooked and I unfortunately have to stop for the night, but I have made it up to chapter 6 and plan to continue tomorrow! The characters are all unique and I love the realistic romance between Laralee and Carl. I love how well you capture the emotions in each scene. I honestly don't know what else to say besides how wonderful it was. There's nothing I can find that I disliked. This is a wonderful story and I wish you the best of luck with the contest!

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So far so good

This has me intrigued, so I will definitely continue reading, but figured I would pause with the first two chapters for now. For the prologue, the biggest thing that stuck out to me was how often and repetitively used the phrase 'odd little man' to describe a person who I am assuming is the Grim Reaper in this story? While it is great to keep his identity a secret to the reader and entice them into diving into your story more, it is redundant. Maybe try using other characteristics to describe him? Also, I think it might flow better if you have John react to seeing his own dead body first before recognizing who the 'odd little man' is. Since this was a suicide, John already knew what he was planning to do when he stepped on that bridge.

For the first chapter, one big thing I noticed was the jumping back and forth between past and present writing style. The benefit is that it is an easy one to fix, though it may be tedious having to go back through entire chapters again. Aside from that, it is a very interesting concept, though I feel bad for Grafton at the end of that chapter. I'll definitely read more to find out what happens next. Good luck with everything!

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Needs work

I am only three chapters is, but unfortunately, the grammar and punctuation is making it very difficult for me to focus and enjoy the story properly. I would highly recommend the website Grammarly.com to help with that. There is a free version that can help with a lot of the issues that you have. From what I read so far it does seem like an interesting plot, but it also feels like everything was just mixed together all at once that it is difficult to truly understand just what the goal actually is. The same goes for the protagonists starting with one name and then having to go by a fake one. My recommendation for this is to have the characters call themselves by their aliases in public, but keep their original names for the reader. I actually had to jump back to the first character to remember who Emmanuel and Janora were.

Again, this is an interesting start, but it is very difficult for me to follow with so many grammar mistakes. Still, I will look forward for any updates done in the future.

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Destructively Oblivious

I voiced a lot of my concerns throughout each chapter of this book, so I'll try not to repeat many of them. I'll start with the positives. Overall, the grammar and punctuation aren't too bad. There are only a few times I've noticed a missing apostrophe. I do recall one chapter in particular had 'soup' instead of 'soap' in regards to the car wash, though. Most of the playful banter between Asher and Chloe wasn't too bad, though it did seem like it got repetitive after awhile, having it always lead back to sexual innuendos between the two.

The plot wasn't as good as I anticipated, mostly because I felt certain things were lacking. We never hear from Chloe's mom even though she is away on a business trip for three months. Most parents would try to stay in pretty frequent contact with their child, especially one who is a teenager in high school. Yet, as soon as the mom leaves, it felt as if she never existed in the first place. You should elaborate more on their relationship. The same goes for this car accident that Chloe was in. We get hints of it earlier on, but for us to only know that she lost a sister until the very end didn't sit well. Losing a sibling has got to be painful for Chloe and Tate, so I would suggest adding more on that as well. As some of the characters are now, I didn't feel I could relate to them very well.

Speaking of the plot, it seemed that every time there was a romantic moment - either between Chloe and Asher, Chloe and Hayden or just anyone - it was always interrupted by a phone call. That definitely got tedious after a while. Cell phones are very modern, but try to switch it up a bit. Also, Olivia didn't seem as much of an antagonist and I expected, so much so that I couldn't share Chloe's outrage of Asher going on a date with her (even though that didn't happen). That leads me to another thing, a lot of their fights just seemed to be lacking any emotion or common sense. I get that they are hormone raging teenagers but for Chloe and Asher to fight about the same thing over and over got old after a while as well. They like each other but can't be together but get immensely jealous when one of them is on a date with someone else. Try switching it up a bit more.

Your writing style in partcular was a little tricky to follow. I just couldn't get into it like I hoped. One thing I recall is every time Chloe got hit on by someone, you called them a man. That, to me, makes it sound like she is being hit on by a full-grown adult, only to find out that the kid is their same age or something similar. That I would definitely fix. Also, with the POV changes - I know I mentioned this in several of my comments, but books really flow better when each chapter is a different perspective instead of jumping back and forth frequently throughout the chapter. Especially towards the end, it would be Chloe's perspective for literally one paragraph and then switch to Asher's. I got dizzy just reading it sometimes. And because of the frequent changes, when starting a new chapter, it wasn't always apparent whose POV it was, so it took me a minute to figure it out sometimes.

The back and forth Chloe feels for Hayden and Asher could have been executed better but we didn't get many chances to really delve into Chloe's thoughts more. Spend a moment to have her reflect on the pros and cons of each choice. Not everything has to be revealed with dialogue.

I feel like I had more to add, but at the moment, they are escaping me. If I think of anything else, I'll definitely add to this review.

Overall, this wasn't a bad read, but just needs a lot of revision and editing. Good luck with everything and I am curious to read the sequel!

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Not sure yet

This is still a work in progressive, so I am not quite sure what to make of this, but at the same time I know my review is long overdue. The biggest thing I noticed was the changes between past and present tense that need fo be adjusted. I'm also not quite feeling a hook with these chapters yet which is definitely important if you want to keep a reader interested.

I'll keep reading as the chapters get updated and edit my review accordingly. Good luck!

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Has potential

This definitely has potential but things are just too perfect in this world. She shouldn't know how to fight after being stuck inside all her life, unless you want to say her parents were training her maybe? Same with learning how to fly after just getting her wings. Make her struggle a little, it helps her be relatable to your readers. I'll definitely continue reading since it is a work in progress.

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Nicely done

This was definitely more interesting than I thought it would have been. The beginning started off with such a hook that it kept me interested but then some chapters seemed to be slower than others. I wish there had been more scenes with Neal and Sophia like the one in the painting room. That, to me, was the first sign of romance, really. Otherwise it seemed a little like his feelings came out of nowhere. The twists were well placed, leaving me thinking one way and having it wind up the other way. The ending was vague enough to definitely warrant a sequel, which I will be more than happy to read also.

All in all this was a pleasant read.

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Interesting

For my first time reading a Christian book, this wasn't half bad. I grew up Catholic myself and even had times where I didn't go to church as often, so I found it easy to relate to some of the characters. That being said, I felt like the plot was a little anticlimactic. While the visions changed over throughout the novel, it seemed like that was the only part that made it seem like a thriller. To be honest, it got a little boring after awhile. The grammar, spelling, and punctuation need a touch-up. And, while I get that this is a Christian novel, it does seem odd that Tyler would assume everyone goes to church and try to get people to go all the time. I feel like it would be better to try a different approach first, instead of just diving right into the Bible.

Stiill, that's just my opinion. Overall, this wasn't a bad read.

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Not bad

For a work in progress, this isn't half bad. The chapters are short and easy to follow. The grammar needs a big touch up. There wasn't much of a hook in the first chapter but that can easily be fixed. I would definitely recommend describing things more--the characters, the scenery, we don't know what anything looks like. Also, based on the blurb, I would recommend changing one of the twins's names. Having Xander and Zander seems a little confusing since they are pronounced the same.

I look forward to seeing how this story progresses!

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This is great!

This is a very interesting novel so far and I definitely can't wait to see the development with your unique characters. You do a very nice job with giving each of them different personalities and backstories. The only thing that threw me off a little was that this story takes place in the distant future, which makes me wonder just how far off in the future it is. The characters and setting seem like they are more in a medieval style of living with Kings and little technology, but then they jump ahead to having a dash on their forearms. It makes it a little difficult to keep up with exactly what technology they have or don't have, despite this being in the distant future.

Aside from that--and again, that's just my opinion--this is an awesome story and I am definitely going to keep reading. Great job!

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Swap for The Fire Seal

Well, this has an interesting start, but it needs a lot of work. To start, the first chapter was written mostly in present tense, with a few mix ups here and there. However, the following chapters were written in past tense. It's imperative you pick one style of writing and stick with it so it doesn't come off as lazy or sloppy. After that, you need to work on having things flow smoothly. A lot of the dialogue seems jumbled and jumps from one thing to the next. There is not a lot of transition or reaction really. For example, when Micah and Summer break up, even if she was hoping for it, nothing else happens. He just says one sentence and then she just runs off and it ends abruptly. That seems to be a common issue is that things are so abrupt and jumping from one thing to the next.

Best of luck with everything!

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Chapter 1

It's not a bad start but there's a lot of room for growth and development. For one thing, there's no real description of anything. Not the characters or the scenery. I can't picture what anything look like, so it makes it difficult to get involved in the story. Also, with everything happening to Mike, he's not nearly as puzzled and reactive as I expected. One big thing that stuck out was when he barreled outside the school bus while it was still driving. That thing isn't normal by any means but rather than showing any reactions, say like, from the bus driver, it skips ahead to a different scene. It's best to make things as realistic as possible. Also, even if Mike is a fan of scifi and other supernatural events, the fact that he just believes everything like that is a little unrealistic.

Again, it's not a bad start but it has some work to do. Good luck with everything!

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