MasterofCoordination

Manchester

Just another wannabe writer. If "intelligent rambling" sounds appealing to you, give my stuff a try. (Also, keep ads off my wall please).

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A Review (written by a patronising dipshit)

This book was a strange one for me. I usually have a pretty clear idea of if I enjoyed a story or not by the end, but this, this has really stumped me. Whilst there are elements I enjoyed up to where I've read, there are also parts I'm not really a fan of. A chapter for me was a kind of roller coaster with many ups and downs. Some sections would intrigue me greatly and then others would leave me bored or confused.

The world itself, for example, the Demon's Domain, is very unique and I like how much it differs from our own. It shows a lot of creativity to be sure, though how it's presented is less so. Rather than showing the world in an interesting way, like showing us its elements first hand. Damien will frequently halt the story in order to explain the world's mechanics to us. It's the classic issue of show and tell I see many writers fall into. And I believe you could grab the readers attention more by utilising the former.

Another issue I want to bring up is something that I haven't seen many others talk about, but I still felt I should bring it up regardless. Certain members of the world, more specifically lower class and elder demons. Have names that I believe could be changed. I just believe there must be better ways to refer to elders other than disabled. Or for the lower class to be called the ningers, which is way to close to a racial slur for my liking. Now, I don't think you've done this on purpose by any means. But I still think it might be an idea to look at these terms again and give them a little rethink.

Apart from that though, there are a few spelling errors and grammar mistakes in the chapters. Nothing too bad, but I did also notice that you misuse some words occasionally. That and there's a little bit of repetition on the side as well. "Anyway" is used to open many sentences, usually after an exposition dump for example.

Now, my next issue is based on something that occurred quite a lot whilst I was reading. But I've chosen to pick out a specific moment, as this review is already long enough as it is. The issue I'm talking about happens midway through the fifth chapter and involves Damien's cat/companion Yehain. Throughout this chapter, she begins to call out to him telepathically and when he eventually reaches her. And also after running around manically, which somehow doesn't grab anyone's attention. Which is an issue in of itself. He finds her and it's revealed her eyes have been "sewn". This caught me off guard and was genuinely shocking. But later she is said to open her eyes and I was left confused as to how that was possible. I even went back to check if I'd read it correctly and when I did so, it just left me feeling more confused than before.

So, from what you've read of this review. I imagine you'd think I hated this story and honestly, I didn't. But for me, whilst I find some concepts as well as some of the imagery you conjure up, to be very interesting. I can't look past the issues I've mentioned without feeling disingenuous. But I hope you do carry on writing this story. Writing is a harder task than most assume and I commend you for what you've created. And I hope that this review can potentially help you grow and improve your craft. I wish you luck and happy writing!

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Blood, Guts and Night Terrors

Well, this should be interesting, because after reading the chapters currently released at the moment. I haven't spotted anything to really critique.

Your spelling and grammar seem to be flawless from what I've read and the style isn't too shabby either. These first three chapters are really well done and definitely pulled me in. The characters all have excellent introductions and I can't think of a part that really dragged.

An issue I could bring up is the length of some chapters. But then again, it works in favour of the story, as I personally enjoy the pace it is currently moving.

But yeah. Really that's it. I usually ramble for ages in my reviews but this has definitely stumped me. So, well done. I can't wait to read more and happy writing!

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One in a Hundred +

The popularity of this story is very telling of its quality. It’s very polished from a style perspective, with only a few typos that slip by every once in a while. And with a story that centres around a topic that everyone can relate to, loss. It’s easy to see why it’s garnered a sizeable amount of praise as well. But I can’t say that I enjoyed it as much as these other people did sadly. And I just want to point out why.

Firstly, the main character was presented in a way that confused me. It left me wondering if she was supposed to be a self-insert for the reader. For them to inhabit the world through her eyes, or if her character was just lacking in, well, character. Cause apart from her tragic past, which the majority of the first chapter is spent vaguely describing (which I understand is done for dramatic purposes). There’s little more to her apart from blushing and the occasional dip in the sea.

My next issue is with Cole, and how quickly he seems to get attached to the main character. It’s one of these creepy things which I find gets romanticised a lot in fiction. And I believe he could grow attached to her in a much more diegetic way. Perhaps by having them share more conversations beforehand. Though I will admit. I liked when he handed the pen back.

Now, I’m aware that you could just write me off as one bitter reviewer in a sea of praise and shining stars. But, I just wanted to say that the reason my review is harsh, is honestly because this story just wasn’t really for me. But even though this story didn’t speak to me necessarily, I don’t just want to throw my critiques at you and run for the hills. This story is obviously written by someone with a passion for the medium and even through my cynical lense, I can see that crystal clear. So, I’m going to end this review on a lighter note because of this. And also so your fans don’t eat me.

So to summarise. Girl in Pain is an enjoyable read for fans of teen dramas and the like. And whilst I didn’t experience it, I’m sure a few of you might get some use out of your tear ducts whilst reading.

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A Spark

Hi, so I've read through the first four chapters to this story and so far, I see a spark. But I feel like you are very much in the same boat as me, so I'm going to do my best to give you some advice and hopefully, you can grow and make this story even better.

So, I like the exchanges between Chantel and Tristen when they first meet. I would've seen their fast track to them being friends as a bit off, that is if they didn't show so much chemistry in their first encounter.

Chantel is by far the most developed character too and I both loved and, hated her at the same time. Which I think is a great feat and something you don't see in many other stories on the site. The other characters, however, they don't seem as distinct at this point. Mainly cause most scenes with secondary characters are dedicated to talking about how great Chantel is, which robs them of the limelight. I hope in future chapters that you give these characters some much-needed attention. Especially Natalie.

Other than that you made some typos, which are no biggie really and I'm sure you can fix after a quick look through the chapters again. But honestly, I can see you're a very inspired writer and I hope you keep it up. No one is perfect and we can all learn a little more. Me especially. So, I hope to you see more from you. Maybe this spark can become a flame.

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Short but Powerful

I'm not going to go on one of my massive, tangent filled reviews for once. But the amount you expressed with just sixty-two words is powerful honestly. This is a touchy topic, but one that needs to be talked about.

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Well then...

This is one of the most, if not the most polished, borderline professionally written stories I've read on this site.

The main character is an interesting specimen. One out of touch with elements of the world (especially with technology). And his observations of the world, as well as the people that inhabit it are interesting and bitingly witty.

As for the story. With three chapters out at the time this review is being written. I'm intrigued and rather clueless. Which is a good thing considering this is a mystery.

Now, for the obligatory complaints/critiques. Other than two repeated lines in the second chapter which I'll add below. This story is squeaky fucking clean as far as I'm concerned.

"She said in a voice so husky, it should've been pulling a sled."

"She had freckles on her nose of the kind that were cute on a young girl, melanoma on a middle-aged one."

I know this is definitely one of my shorter reviews. But honestly, I can't really think of much more to critique, neither do I feel qualified to. That and I think I've done enough ass-kissing for one day.

So, in conclusion, I would recommend this story to anyone who dabbles in thievery, as reading a story this quality for free should be classed as stealing. Not that that's gonna stop me pushing on anyway, as I'm certainly gonna dive back in when new chapters are released. Basically, what I'm trying to say is. Read it.

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Pour me some Vodka and Tequila

Cursed is a story that grabbed my attention from the start. I was taken aback with its gritty opening depicting torture on our main character, as well as the mentions of her "abilities". This is a good scene which builds some decent tension to boot, However, when a simple lie convinces the torturer to release her, therefore giving her a chance to escape, it was safe to say this tension was quickly dashed away.

This seems to be a recurring theme with this story. With some genuinely intriguing concepts and characters being presented to the reader, before shortly being undercut by something.

Another example is the scene at the beginning of chapter four. The scene ends with a characters death. One that still haunts the main character in the present day. This scene does indeed stumble in some areas beforehand, but I could still ignore the slip-ups enough to read the emotion this scene was going for. But this changed with one line of dialogue.

"Oooh! Is that a water pistol?"

This line of dialogue completely took me out of the scene. And whilst I understand this is to show the innocence of the character. It came across as comical to me. Especially when the character is shot in the face immediately in the next paragraph.

Other than that though. I've said how I enjoyed the characters introductions in the second chapter. They seem diverse and pretty identifiable in regards to their personality. This, however you spin it, is an achievement. I just wish that you could describe them with as much personality. You've made a mistake I see many writers make. And that's that you seem to stick with hair and eyes when it comes to describing characters. It's not bad by any means. I would just like to see more diversity when it comes to the descriptions of the characters. Ones that do their personalities justice.

Another note is grammar and spelling. Whilst it's alright in the first chapter, I noticed that they get worse as the story goes on, so a clean up would do some good. Another thing as well. When a character speaks at the beginning of a sentence. Unless it ends with an exclamation mark or explanation mark, you must use a comma rather than a full stop. I'll give you a quick example below. Hopefully, it'll help.

"Just imagine they're rabbits. Three bloodthirsty rabbits," he whispered to himself.

Okay, gonna bring this to a close now, but before I do. I'm aware this review is maybe a bit harsh, but do know that I do see some talent here. And with some refining, I really do believe you could improve this story and make it something I would gladly return to.

I wish you well and happy writing!

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I'm getting a train to Innermost

(This review was written after chapter six. I plan to update it at a later date but, after seeing that this only has one review at the moment. I had to tell people about this hidden gem as fast as I could).

This is by far one of the most intriguing worlds I’ve ever read about. The artificial rain, the wars that tore the world apart. It’s all so unique and makes me want to learn more. The characters are also interesting and complement the quality world-building present in each chapter.

But I can’t gush forever. I do need to point out some flaws, one said flaw being the number of typos present. This is something I’d usually add as a little ending note, as everyone will slip up from time to time. But with this story, it’s by far the biggest issue and sadly took me out of the moment at times.

My next issue is more personal to me as I find the language used, whilst being good apart from the typos. To be quite pedestrian, as in its lacking the unique elements seen in the world it’s trying to describe. As I said though, this is an issue that is very opinionated and at the end of the day, I imagine a lot of people won’t feel the same. But it was something I felt I needed to bring up, regardless.

In conclusion though, the rest of what’s here is great. Apart from some typos, this is looking to be an interesting story and I’ll definitely be returning to find out more of this engrossing world.

For those of you who haven’t read this. And believe me, I know the page count looks scary. I reckon you should give it a shot cause I doubt you’ll find a story with such an interesting premise on this site.

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Wait. They have powers now?

So, this story isn’t the type I’d usually go for. But, then again, it’s hard to say I didn’t have fun reading it. I liked how distinct the characters were. Even the secondary characters had much more personality than in a lot of other stories I’ve read on this site. Marco is definitely a favourite of mine.

The way the story is written is also very similar to a lot of published books out there today. This, however, is both a strength and a weakness in my opinion. There are some quality moments which are borderline professional. But then there are times where the delivery feels slightly off. There is a moment where Destiny falls down some stairs for example. And whilst I get that time is supposed to slow down to a halt. I couldn’t help that it went on for far too long and robbed the scene of its impact a little.

Also, maybe I’m being a dumbass (which is definitely a possibility). But I had to do a double-take when supernatural abilities were introduced. Like it genuinely took me off guard when it was mentioned. I’m not saying that you have to explicitly state it., but I imagine that making some more hints toward it earlier on might alleviate this.

Okay, those are my complaints hashed out. In other news, I liked the opening. It’s one hell of a hook and one that definitely grabs the reader’s attention. Yet again, violence draws me into a story. Starting to see a pattern there.

Anyway, this book is a good read with some colourful secondary characters. As for the story, I’m interested as to where it will end up, as there’ are a lot of directions it could head at the point I’ve read up to. Some final notes include there being some typos spread out across the chapters. Nothing too bad, but maybe a quick look through would do the earlier chapters some good. Other than that though, I wish you luck and look forward to what you produce in the future.

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Kye = Marty Stu

Reading this was quite interesting. Your writing style, more specifically the way you describe some things, is incredible. I genuinely envy your ability to write such captivating descriptions at times.

The world you’re setting up is also interesting and with the rate in which you give us information, you hit a steady rhythm past the opening prologue, keeping us informed to the mechanics of this world as the story goes on. I just hope you don’t fall down the same trap as many other writers, as this book, like with many others, is inspired by the Hunger Games/Divergent series. The last thing we need is a copy and hopefully, you’ll use your unique ideas to create something different from the pack.

Another issue I have is with Kye. He’s a character I can’t quite pin down. I feel bad for him and how he’s treated due to him being Driveless. But on the other hand, he comes across as quite unlikable in some parts. I think this might actually stem from his lack of weakness. At this point in the story, Kye has shown no flaws. He is cocky and always thinks he’s right. And, well, he is. It’s a common mistake I see a lot of writers make. I just hope you can make Kye a bit more human in future chapters. Therefore, he’ll come across as more relatable.

Okay, I’m aware most of this review is complaints up to this point. But this story is fun and most importantly, I can tell the writer is enjoying it himself, which is something I can’t knock. This story does have shortcomings, but it also very well presented and the writing has some really great moments. Ones that caused me to stop and write sections again just to experience them again.

So in conclusion, Driveless is an interesting story so far. One I’d recommend to anyone who enjoys the Divergent/Hunger Games books, or just dystopian teen stories in general. Behind some issues and occasional typos, is a lot of passion and I hope this writer will grow along with Kye as the story unfolds.

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Not What I Was Expecting...

This story definitely took me by surprise. I was expecting another run of the mill, happy couple kind of story. But you surprised me, using a twist on the norm as well as adding elements from your own culture into it, therefore giving a unique perspective we rarely see in most stories.

As for some cons. Obviously, it's quite short, so I'm not expecting to know too much about the characters yet. Although I hope we'll get a better idea of who these people are in future chapters.

Your writing also seems to be quite clean and no typos really stood out to me. I would, however, like to see more creative use of language. At the moment, the writing isn't very distinctive and I'd love to see you splice in some elements of your personality.

But, other than that. It's a pretty good premise. I'm interested where you'll take it.

Oh, another thing. I noticed your cover is slightly off. Don't worry, I had the exact same issue originally. If you upload your cover using the app it'll be fine. Doing it through the browser tends to just fuck it up for some reason. Hope this helps.

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I didn’t sign up for this...

This story is one of the most polished I’ve seen from an aspiring writer, it almost feels like a con that my mess of a story shares the same platform as yours. You can see how much work you’ve put into not only writing, but editing your story afterwards and believe me, it was worth it.

I’m a notoriously picky person when it comes to books, that’s without mentioning my general inability to concentrate on a singular thing. But this story managed to hold me almost completely, only faltering when my dog decided that it was dinner time.

Now, I can’t kiss your arse for a whole review. I do need to bring forward some kind of issues. Warning, I’m going to be incredibly nick-picky.

There’s some typos in the chapters, nothing too bad. But compared to the rest of the writing, they definitely stuck out. Other than that, description wise, you make the same issue I see lot of writers do, honing in on the characters hair colour and rarely describing any other features. I’d just like to get a more vivid image of the characters other than their hair colour or hair cut.

Other than that though, this is a great start. One that I struggled to find any glaring issues with. Obviously your time has been well spent with refining this story and I’ll definitely follow its progress in the future.

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A Bit Late...

So, apologies for being a bit late. I've been surprisingly busy in lockdown. But now that I've had the time to read through it, I thought I'd continue my honest style of reviewing. Just a disclaimer beforehand though, all of my points, even my negative ones, are done to hopefully improve your future work, they're not done to belittle you or anything like that, no one's perfect when It comes to writing.

Firstly, I like the character dynamics, especially the rivalry between Leon and Louise. Their constant back and forth throughout the story so far is very entertaining, I can't wait to see how that develops.

An issue I have, however, is there's a lot of moments where we are told something, rather than shown. The science professor, for example, is described in detail before we meet him. When he is introduced, I could tell he was robotic and generally kinda emotionless from the way you wrote him in the scene.

There's also some typos and some lack of punctuation in places there probably should be too, but that's a relatively easy fix. In fact, I was recommended a site that I imagine will help, so just follow this link and sign up. I'm sure it'll really help out with your next chapter. It certainly helped me.
https://prowritingaid.com

Finally, I do love where this story is going. The first person perspective is great, I love the little comments Leon makes from time to time, they really show off his personality, if anything, lean on that element more. But anyway, I did enjoy your story so far and I hope to see more of it.

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Listen, I Can Explain!

Firstly, I'm not gonna lie my review might come off a little harsh. I've noticed that people tend to give five stars and be done with it, but I wanted to try and give you some genuine feedback in hopes that it'll help you out in the long run.

So, this isn't the kinda book I'd usually read, despite that though, I've quite enjoyed it so far. The story itself definitely shows promise. The prologue is great and left me with a lot of questions that left me intrigued to find out what was happening. I also liked the opening to the first chapter and how I was questioning who was speaking, it was a clever pull of rug when it wasn't actually Alia and shows the writer knows how to keep the reader on their toes.

On another note though, there are a few typos, but that's not anything too big, they're only human, a few things are bound to slip by. Other than that though, I felt like some sentences in the second chapter seemed a little generic, but for the most part, the writing is good and carries the story along.

Now, in conclusion, I find this book to be enjoyable and that the story setup, has a pretty decent amount of potential. I hope to see more from you and I can't wait to find out the truth behind Alia and why she's so important. I'll read through this at a later date and review it again.

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