The plot was good, from what I could understand.
Read the story now
Emphasis on 'from what I could understand'. The grammar, punctuation, and such were awful, no offense. I couldn't really understand the main character's thought process, which most don't really care about. I noticed that you were putting onomatopoeia(s) in here, too (Bang, splat, boom, etc.) It wasn't necessary. Sure, it made me pay more attention to the parts where it was mentioned and or said, but sometimes you did this (Bang*25). Instead of doing that, you could've described the physical pain he was going through. Even if you couldn't, you could've made something up, because, as I said, no offense, that chapter was a hot mess. Despite all the problems about it though, the book is very eye-catching.