A Good Start
First, the summary seems incomplete, like there's a word missing. Else than that, it's good.
This is a good start. I'm curious as to how Nites will play a part in the future, among other things. I find the introductions and relationships interesting, but some of them are told to us rather than shown. For example, the narrator, Jay, tells us about Damien and Gabriel being close, when we could see that more through their own actions. Not to say Jay can't make a comment about it, but just something to think about.
Some parts are repetitive, so take another look over it to keep the pace flowing well.
Cops and Robbers Take a Turn
I've hardly come across stories about cops and robbers, especially in a Horror setting, so the plot was interesting. However, it came across more as an Action-Comedy with a Bad End. Not to say the story was badly written, quite the opposite. I liked reading it and was never bored at any point.
I guess when I think of Horror/Humour, or Dark Comedy, I've read them as long jokes about serious themes with a punchline that would give an uncomfortable chuckle (or a maniacal laughter) from the reader. This felt like a reversal, swaying between lighthearted to seriousness, with the last paragraph placing it in the latter. If the ending had a better punchline to it, it could be counted as a Dark Comedy, if that's the route this story wants to take.
What Was The Point?
The first part of the story was predictable, as it was obvious who the killer was the moment a dead body turned up in chapter 2. Some could say by the end of chapter 1, as it was unnecessarly stated that bad things would happen and that Clara should have stopped Bessie. By the title alone, the audience could guess that something bad will happen, and even what will happen to Bessie. We didn't need that last sentence.
I like the descriptions of the world and story, but Clara doesn't get much of that. Sometimes I would imagine her as a kid, not a 16-year-old. Why would Clara know about pickpocketing if she stated to have never left the Orphanage? Where would she practice?
She also does some stupid things, as well. In chapter 7, She could have just ran out of the house when the murderer chased her, but instead ran to the living room. Her character was not unlikeable, but bland, and I didn't mind if the story ended with her death. It actually would have made more sense, considering how much blood she lost by the time she was found. Most of the choices she made either didn't matter to the overall story or hurt her.
Sometimes, the first paragraph of the next chapter would give the same information as the last paragraph of the previous chapter, making it repetitive. The story flows for the most part, so it's not too annoying.
In chapter 6, it was unclear whether the man was outside or inside the house. One sentence said that he was outside, then the next one said he was inside. For the rest of the story, it's hard to tell where everyone is.
I start noticing by chapter 7 that the dialogue isn't separated as it should be.
The ending was unsatisfying. Everything was wrapped up too quickly! The little bit of horror that was presented dropped to nothing. The essence of actual Horror, from my experience, is leaving the audience with a sense of fear long after the story ends. This didn't leave me with anything. Maybe if she had nightmares or suffered other symptoms of PTSD after she was rescued, that would make more sense and give more terror to the story!
My recommendation for this story is an overview of its logic and a reorganization of structure. Why would they let the man adopt another girl? How was he not found guilty the first AND second time? What was the point of those files, when they didn't serve the story in any way (he only murdered 1 girl)? Why did the characters make the choices they made?
Road Rage Horror
This review is vague because I wish not to spoil it.
I like the beginning and how we're introduced to our main character. The descriptions and metaphors are good and give the story a wit that pulled me along.
The main character, Brian, is very interesting. Of course, I had no sympathy for him, as the story presented it, when he got that comeuppance. I loved the twist at the end, it gave a sense of hilarious irony, but not a position I would be happy to participate in.
The spelling occasionally confused me. Because I don't know a lot about cars, some of the sentences didn't make sense to me and I had to read them over.. I also found that it could get repetitive at times, particularly when it would mention that Brian was a pain in the arse.
At first, I was intimidated by the length of the story, but when I started reading, I was transfixed!
All the characters were strong and unique, especially Raquel. Her actions and attitude were believable in the situation and the ending was very satisfying without coming across as too rushed.
If there's any critique I would give this, it would be to see where there could be more foreshadowing, because some things, like the tunnel, did seem to just pop out of nowhere.
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