I stumbled across this by tapping the 'surprise' story and I am so glad I did. You've woven a wonderful story here and I've read much of it, bookmarking it for a more in depth read over Xmas. I'm truly engrossed in your writing and I hope this may well spin out to a fully fledged novel some day. Well done!
First impressions, I love the story and characterisation! You have them down pat and there isn't anything that I can say that needs work in that area. Grammar and punctuation is very good, far better than mine. Though the only reason at this stage I gave just three stars in that category Brenda was simply because of the difficulty I had reading it (first chapter so far). It needs more paragraph breaks, that is about the only qualm I had with it. Overall, fabulous and I love the story so far.
Oh, one small thing, unless I missed it, since it deals with Hammond, a date timeline hint would be great.
Finally! My browser is being friendly to me and I can write this.
Dryger I cannot fault it, for me this has been an exciting and intriguing read and that is only the first chapter. I've bookmarked the story and as soon as I can I will be reading it through. I love the concept and the overall plot. Its got me in.
Hearted! (though I am sure I already did that)
Shared on FB and Twitterer
All of my magic lore has been deeply rooted in my love of Terry Brooks Shanara series, I had been reading that since I was about 8. This puts an entirely new spin on magic for me (Not a HP fan) so I will be reading more. Great work Jacky. 'Hearted" and shared on FB and Twitter
Its HP what's not to like! Seriously I loved it to bits, I can't fault much at all really. Just a nice writing style that flows easily and gives me the impression its a chapter out of JKR's books. You did great and I will be following you on this.Read the story now
Phoenix what can I say but well done. Even though short ( I do hope there is more) it was a very enjoyable read. It flowed and moved in the right directions, at least for me it did. The entire concept was both intriguing and at the same time mind twisting, you could visualise something actually taking place in the not too distant future.
Congratulations on a job well done.
Finally I now can write a review.
I found this enthralling, exciting and gripping. So far two chapters down and I've added to my lists for further reading. I will definitely be going to the end of it. The style and concept reminds me of something I've wanted to write myself so I am attune to the character and the way the story unfolds. Brilliant work!
A wonderful start to what I think is and can be a beautiful story Ben. Keep the faith and focus on what you want the readers to feel. It will all fall into place as each chapter unfolds. Most importantly, keep reviewing and make edits when you can see your own errors :)
Kim I was sure I wrote this before. But since both my computer and my internet connection has been futzing around so much, I'm surprised that I'm able to write this even now.
basically you know I adore this story, I've told you as much before. I cannot fault it in any way at all, except that I want more. And for my money, you should be winning first place both in Fandom and Skybound.
From the beginning of the story I didnt want to stop reading. I was hooked. With every line there was something that drew me more into it to keep going wondering what was going to happen. Immediately I could felt like I was actually there witnessing what you were describing and I could feel my heart beating faster. Being someone who loves the thrill of scary stories I tried to read as fast as I could to know what was next. This is an amazing story and very well written! I would absolutely read this book! I hope there is more to come! Please??Read the story now
I'll start slowly, then work up to the hard parts.
In the first instance, I love the story so far, having read the first chapter thoroughly. Conceptually its great, the characters have a realistic feel and I can tell by your writing your military background. Its woven very well and sets the scene for a great deal of dramatic impulse.
Now the hard part.
Paragraphs are far too long, all jammed together so that its difficult to see the changes in character.. Just in the starter, there are four or five characters speaking, yet all of them are retained in the same paragraph with no spaces.. If you can sort that out, definitely its going to be a great read.