Well, tis a start. but I like it
Your story kind drags me in, but not alot, you gotta learn how to write dialougue, example:
Read the story now
"Hey Jack, Pass me that pencil over there" Boris said as he held his hand out
You gotta use the colon signs ""like this""
Since your first person(Not my thing, lemme try something)writer, you go with I and me, I am in her , you still have to follow that rule, 1 more before I go, make sure your paragraphs arent blocky, like its just text after text, make it text, maybe dialogue, then text or description. flesh out your story and spread everything out, dont reveal everything like
example:as detective maury walks in, the 4 suspects stand clear, staring at him,
"Well, johns the murder, arrest him" Maury said
Try to spereate them, try to understand what jcharmein was trying to say!!
alright, see you later.
Your faithful friend~Ruenigami
P.s, hope you make more!!!