R. Vincent Fontes

Just another Writer here, but hey, post on my wall for a review swap! I'll check em out!

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A biased opinion.

Well, I am not a fan of that warning chapter, new, yes. But lazy. You can show us your world and surprise us with multiple books. Just saying you are gonna make multiple books kinda spoils the fact that this stories ending will end in a way for a new story to come. Instead, trick us with a cliffhanger or just the end and don't say anything. Then surprise us with the new story! But I would've rated plot higher and overall. But it's only the first chapter. And you are telling us than showing us what this story is about. I like the blurb and Its cryptic message. but the warning ruined it, you can have a warning as a comedic joke but overall it ruins the expectation. And try to describe more, like the setting, had a hard time to figure out where she was. But overall it's alright for a 1st chapter. To be honest and not to be mean, I am not really looking for more.

~Yours Truly, Ruenigami

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Tally hoe!

Great job, I like this so far, but I am reading from the phone stead of my laptop. I usually write and read on there. So try to make the chapters shorter. So they aren't getting on my nerves or me having to check when it's over. Try splitting em up and keep them short and snappy! It gains more attention from the readers. Like mine! Other than that good job!

~Yours Truly, Ruenigami.

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Well, lots of work needs to be done young one!

Well, the chapters are too long so I stopped at chapter 7 since I only have 7 chapters. But a huge mistake is that synopsis chapter. I don't like it and neither anyone else will. What the chapter says is just lazy writing, it's just a huge info dump on us saying what the world is. And its too much information to take in. So that's why the story is confusing. So the way to fix that is to not info dump us. But make the prologue be an event about the world's condition today. That is showing and not telling us. You need to rewrite it I believe because there is a lot of tell don't show instead show don't tell. Don't worry I used tell don't show. But yeah shorten chapters like me, if you want to publish it, of course, make em longer. Anyway, heed my warnings!

~Yours truly, Ruenigami.

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Ruenigami Here.

You need lots of Tlc, but that is fine, my first draft for Priestess and Slave was horrible, but a little (I mean a lot!) Fixing helped. So you do have lots of mistakes so read through it. Just think of this as a class assignment, you gotta reread! Also, just a suggestion, you don't need Aisha's P.O.V. Just put Aisha in italicized. Don't underestimate the intelligence of the reader, I've done it before and I never got anywhere till I stopped doing it. But overall the plot is good, a little cliche but in a good way. Hoping for more, but I would have rated plot more since I don't know how it will unfold, so it may be biased right now.

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A little biased

I would rate this story more, but this is only the prologue, and I don't want to write a biased opinion. So good so far, just get rid of the "Jeep Cherokee" and the "Shoes" bit, Its just telling us how they look instead of showing us. And the pros of showing us is that you can even sneak a little foreshadowing, like this.

Tom's shoes trambled over the grass, cracking and crunching noises of the autumn leaves below invaded his mind and kept his head blank.

Can turn into!

Tom stood still, his hands shaking. He then quickly ran over the floor, the cracking and crunching of human remains made noises below his feet as he fell to the ground, gagging.

Well, that's it, I guess, can't wait for more.

P.S, even when describing the jeep can have some foreshadowing, as the color could even foreshadow the time of day, you could describe the jeep going fast, symbolizing how fast the day went for Korey!

~Yours Truly, Ruenigami

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I enjoyed it.

Sorry, I am quite late, but yes I did enjoy it very well, but some actions did feel rushed. Some dialogue felt the same and there was a lot, well... not a lot of grammatical error's. But there is potential to improve! So good luck and thanks btw. I like Haythor, he's my favorite character because he is shy like me!

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I enjoed it

If only there is more, or am I blind? but overall, this story delivers greatness

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Poetry, nice!

Short, snappy and good. I somehow related to them, well not most of them. But I did feel for them and liked them, it inspired me to finish a poem I am currently making a girl in my class. wish me luck.

P.S, I am reviewing this instead, so you can fix your little mistake on Hospital Grace.

~Yours Truly, Ruenigami.

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Needs some TLC!

Well, I think Elena almost falls into the Mary Sue format, she's beautiful, she somehow learned how to fight in a split second, She is destined to be the new queen or leader of whatever it is. and everyone loves her and is devoted to protecting her with their lives. Yeah, Mary Sue much. You need to rewrite her character a bit and put some flaws there. The only flaw she seems to have is that she does not have much knowledge. But she needs more.

Like a disability, or anger issues or depression. (Depression might be a good one since her parents died) But overall, the plot is ok and I would rate more, but I don't want to write a biased review since its barely getting to its climbing point. Also, really make her not knowledgeable, have her ask questions that are not related to the story, like "What's that?" or "What's this?", have her space out or ignore people cause she's enjoying the scenery. Make her a little naive, not too much, this could spark some trust issues with some people. And could cause her to have some conflict with her and David since he's not telling her anything. And she'll think he's lying about him knowing everything or just plain up lying to her in general so she could shut up.

Other than that, make sure she is no longer a Mary Sue (The people who read your manuscript at the contest obviously weren't real with you, that's not a good thing.). They failed to tell you about your Mary Sue problem, But I am telling you now, so fix it! And you should start new paragraphs or split some paragraphs, cause you're story is kinda blocky.

Yours Truly~ Ruenigami.

P.S, It's your turn.

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Time will tell....

I would have given this whole story a 4 star, but this is only the prologue, so this may be biased right now, But overall, you did a pretty good job setting who the characters are. But not enough information though (NOT A BAD THING!). But I do look forward for more, try to fix the problem that inkitt as with us, ya know, making it seem that we didn't start a new paragraph even though we did. Try breaking that guideline, it won't do any harm after you publish more chapters. Now for your end of the bargain

~Yours Truly, Ruenigami.

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Well, you want a review that is being realistic here bud.

Well, it is a bit blocky, and sorry but you need to probably hear this again. But you need to SHOW AND DON"T TELL! Sorry, but that is the real world, the plot is intriguing though and I give you that! Just need to fix some things and yeah. See you on the flip side!

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well spoken

I cant wait to see how this wonderful story unfolds into the most beutiful, tear jerker and funny bone tickler. Keep up the good work, Maybe i could learn the way you write. Thanks again, I shall keep in touch of this story, just slow the pace a bit. Thats all

Your friend~Rueingami! Have a nice one.

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EEEEEEHHHHHH? Cliche?

Its like my story, has a lot of errors, but still is good, I like the clicheness and other stuff, but I think you can do better than some geeky romance, I think your style is more better than off with something else than romance, but you dont need to take something from a probably 300 pound man that lives in his moms basement, and name is probably CHUCK. if you wanna do romance, go ahead, this is some suggestion, other than that, its altright.

Your Faithful Friend~Ruenigami

P.s: Good job, I am not into romance, but I know the premise and stuff cause believe it or not, I used to write romance and read/watch it too! I know how hard it was to make some plot and conlflict!

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Something different, and quite the same?!

I like this little romance here, its okay, but If you want to try out my suggestion, go ahead, no need to credit me, but I look forward to see what comes next!!

Your faithful friend~Ruenigami~~

P.s, for real, its okay, just need to work on somethings, but i see you growing and getting better.

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Well, tis a start. but I like it

Your story kind drags me in, but not alot, you gotta learn how to write dialougue, example:

"Hey Jack, Pass me that pencil over there" Boris said as he held his hand out

You gotta use the colon signs ""like this""

Since your first person(Not my thing, lemme try something)writer, you go with I and me, I am in her , you still have to follow that rule, 1 more before I go, make sure your paragraphs arent blocky, like its just text after text, make it text, maybe dialogue, then text or description. flesh out your story and spread everything out, dont reveal everything like

example:as detective maury walks in, the 4 suspects stand clear, staring at him,

"Well, johns the murder, arrest him" Maury said

THE END

Try to spereate them, try to understand what jcharmein was trying to say!!

alright, see you later.
Your faithful friend~Ruenigami
P.s, hope you make more!!!

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