Scott McCamish

Melbourne

I'm a sci-fi writer from Melbourne, Australia. I love anything esoteric, and those sorts of things influence my writing.

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Nice work!

The premise is good, and futuristic sch-fi stories are always worth reading. I found some of the scenes hard to visualise as there weren't a lot of physical descriptions of the rooms or of what the characters looked like. Thus, it was hard to get too immersed in each scene. There were formatting errors, such as variable spacing between paragraphs from chapter to chapter. I'm also not sure why Ben and Jennifer have to hide from the "authorities" in this future time. I'm hoping this gets explained in later chapters. I will read on, and hope this all gets cleared up. Nice work so far, and it reads very easily.

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Lovely story!

This is a memorable story that draws you into it's characters and keeps the reader interest from the start. It follows the travails of an Indonesian girl finding her feet overseas and then eventually the love of her life. Yohana writes with emotion and vividness, drawing the reader into the emotions felt, both good and bad. Although the subject matter is different to what I am used to personally, I still enjoyed reading it. A credit to the author. I recommend this book to everyone!

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Review!

Hi Gryphonstar,

Sci-fi is my "thing" so I was drawn to read your first chapter, and I really like your writing style! The imagery is very good and there's a good deal of action and strong characters in that first chapter.

I didn't rate the plot highly just yet because it's impossible to determine from one chapter however the action had me wanting to read more.

In terms of criticism, please take what follows as positive and constructive, designed to help you.

There are some typos and some phrasing that needs to be fixed. For example:

"The place was almost quiet saved from the whispers of the cloaked figures." The meaning is clear, but I think the correct wording should be something like: "The place was quiet save for the whispers of cloaked figures." Meaning that if the whispers of the cloaked figures were not present, it *would* be quiet. Additionally, it's *save for* rather than *saved from*.

Also I noticed quite a few typos in the one sentence starting with "The Athantos Citadel": 'hieght', 'lowred' and 'broughtfade'. A simple spellchecker or a program like Hemingway (free spell-checker online, if you Google it.)

Also, I found that I was not visualising all of the different races (cainesc, katzenartig, etc) very well. In future chapters I hope these races/species will be explained a bit more in future chapters.

There is a lot of intrigue and action in this, more than enough to keep the reader interested, and that's the most important part of any fiction, I believe. I will be following this story and best of luck with it :-)

Regards,
Scott

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Extremely readable!

A very engaging storyline worth strong and distinct characters. I'm enjoying reading it, and you have built the suspense quite nicely. It's reminded me how much I enjoy ghost stories. I'd forgotten until now! You've woven in schizophrenia and karma quite well too, without overdoing it. Looking forward to seeing how this one turns out!

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Nice start but needs some work

The intrigue is good and there is enough action here to keep the reader interested. There are some things that need fixing though. This is all intended as constructive (and hopefully helpful!) criticism:

1. Who is the narrator? It is being told from someone's perspective, but I don't know who that person is. In ch. 3 there are the words "I bet your wondering" but I don't know who's telling the story. By the way, it should be "you're" and not "your"
2. I'm not sure why the park is so great. Obviously Lizze and Tory love it, but why? Also it might be nice to know where this is all happening: a small town, a big city, time of day, season, etc.
3. The chapters are really short, even for Inkitt. This is okay but you might consider rolling all three into one, largely because all the action is contained within the nightmare.
4. There are some typos and misspellings that can be fixed with a quick read and edit.

You write well, and with and urgency that compels the reader. Keep it up, and I'm interested to read more! :-)

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Action and intrigue!

In real life, there is clearly something going on in Antarctica, judging by the flurry of international activity down there in recent times. Ben vividly imagines what might be behind all of it and as far as I am concerned, he's not far off the truth! Lots of action, right from the start, and plenty of mystery as to what (and who!) the international teams have discovered and what capabilities they have. Ben's writing style is easily accessible, and the technical details lend depth to the plot, providing plenty of plausibility. Definitely want to read future chapters as they are published. Nice work!

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