SunflowerBlerd

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Strong start

Excellent writing skills. Alot of visual detail which is important in any sci-fi story. You have a good sense of the attention that must be given to small details, like Bobbi realizing mid-nod that she had to verbalize a ‘yes’ as the aliens she was with didn’t have that gesture. Those kinds of little things sprinkled throughout the story are simple enough for the reader to digest, but they go a long way in drawing the reader in.

The characterizations already seem distinct and memorable. Already the reader can distinguish the differences between Ezer, Qeb, and Paolo. We get a little of Bobbi, but given that the story seems like it will focus on her perspective, it seems reasonable her character will be further revealed as the story progresses.

The only suggestion I have is just that--a suggestion; I think the story is going perfectly well so far. It looks like the perspectives of several characters will be presented in the story. In a format like this, it’s easy for the main character to get lost in all the other voices. My advice would be to remember to shift the focus back to the main character, and give her (or her and Sonja) more attention than the other characters. If your intention is to have ALL characters get equal attention, just be wary of not switching between perspectives too much. The reader may need some anchors in that kind of story. The different characters must be very distinct so the reader doesn’t mix them up while reading. It seems you’ve got a good start with the distinction (i.e: can already see the difference between Ezer and Qeb’s personalities), so just keep that up.
Very strong, clean, start though.

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Moving Story, Important Social Commentary

From the start we are presented with an interesting story that pulls the reader in. However, you don’t need the lengthy outline of the story at the beginning. Give the reader just enough to interest them. Mention Ash and Bijay and the class and wealth differences between them. Mention what will keep them apart. But let the reader find out the rest on their own.
It would also help to end the chapters with a bit more finality. Chapters should end almost like a book does, with a sense of completeness. Either that or they can end with a cliffhanger; stop them right when something shocking or surprising happens, prompting the reader to want to read more.

It did seem a bit inconsistent that Bijay gave in to his parents so easily when he claimed to love Ash so much. I would be more invested in their relationship if he had put up some kind of fight. Let us see him be angry and at least make some attempt to get his way, then give up in despair.

Lastly, the story could do with more dialogue. It’s more effective to use the words of the characters to reveal information than to simply state it. For example, when David and Renu are talking after the movie in chapter 10, write out the conversation they had (or part of it) about the norms of society. Give this information through what they say. Then you wont have to explain it to the reader at all, and it will seem more real to them, because it will be as if they heard it from an actual person.

Other than that, it’s a moving story that ties in societal and family expectations, forbidden love, and class divisions. It works well for social commentary, something I always appreciate that s also usually appealing to readers.

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Dig Deeper

It checks off all the boxes that most readers like--we've got a rich, hot male interest; a spirited female main character, the jealous ex who hates Lauren... and there's Lauren's family drama that adds a layer of mystery.

However, i would still have liked more from this story.
Why does Lauren fall for him? If their connection end up extending past his money and good looks--how does this happen? Strip away the money and good looks--who is Mason? What makes him worthy of Lauren's affection? Also, Lauren could be built upon. Who is she? If you separate her from Mason; from his feelings towards her, what is left? What does she want out of life? What does she believe in?
I would have liked to see more of this throughout the story. The female main character doesn't need to be defined solely by the male main character.

I liked that we did get to see their relationship develop with time. I'd suggest building on this, show them doing more things together. They start off hating each other--what needs to happen to make the hate change into love? Dig deeper; get to know the characters and help us, the readers, get to know them.

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Show, don't tell

What I love about fantasy is discovering new worlds, experiencing magical things we don't find in real life. The characters in the story provide a connection to that world. Even if they live in a universe of dragons or elves, they experience love, anger, joy..all things that people do.
That's what makes fantasy writing tricky; you have to strike a balance of revealing the magic in the world to the reader, but also developing the relatable aspect of the characters.
It seems like the fantasy world of this story is based on a type of commonly known mythology; so it is possible the reader would be familiar with the world the story is in and wouldn't need much explanation. I think it's still best to work on the exposition. Include details of what the characters surroundings are--What are they wearing? Do they live in a castle? what does that look like? Show snippets of everyday life in this setting--a description of someone pulling along a cart full of hay as the main character walks through a crowded market place. Tell us the sounds and sights of the forest as the main character sneaks off to practice archery.
It would also be more effective to let the reader learn about the characters through the reading. Don't simply tell us that one character is mean to Freya. Have that character enter the room and say something hurtful--but maybe it was disguised as a compliment. Show, don't tell. SHOW the characters being mean, friendly, or strict. Show us when and how it happens.
Lastly, include more of the fantasy element. You are working with a completely different universe, so have fun with that. What interesting things happen in this world that are out-of-the-ordinary? Are there wizards? Is there magic? Give the reader what they came for, give the spectacle, give us the amazing. But while showing the things that are extraordinary, remember to include the ordinary. Show the characters behaving as people in our own world would.

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What does your story say?

What does your story say? What message does it give to the reader that no other story could? How can we distinguish your characters from other characters?
Bianca is insecure and scared. Yet she seems to have a strong passion for writing. I like this contrast; there's alot you can do with this. show us why she likes writing so much. What does it do for her? how did she get into it? why is it she can release the fires of her soul on paper but not out into the real world? Give her more to feel other than how hot Kegan or Cyrus are. She has a soul--let us see it.

In terms of characters, we've got the mean girl character, the hot best friend, and the hot crush. There's nothing wrong with these characters, but you should give them some motivations. Why is Melissa particularly mean to Bianca? Is she threatened by her? Why? Is it because of Kegan? Kegan doesn't care about Melissa--why is she obsessed with him? Is it something to do with her psychology? Does Melissa think less of herself if any guy doesn't desire her? Does she see Bianca as the obstacle between herself and Kegan finally noticing her? Where did Melissa get this skewed view of reality?

You can take the same path for the other characters. Why is Kegan in love with Bianca? Bianca isn't shown doing anything for him. Is he in love with her out of some warped sense of pity? Or have they been friends forever and they understand each other, therefore, he's in love with her?

Bianca repeatedly acknowledges a physical attraction to Kegan. Why is it then that she is in love with Cyrus and not Kegan? IS there some other reason she loves Cyrus other than his looks? They don't seem to be close friends, so she can't know him personally and be attracted to who he is as a person. She only seems to be going off of his looks. If his looks are all she is attracted to, she should be equally attracted to Kegan.

Each character presents an opportunity for a world of exploration. I encourage you to dig deep and find out who each of these people are , and show this to your audience.

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Captivating writing style

Since it's just one chapter, it's hard to gauge how well the story is written. The low plot and overall rating is because of this. But i do notice a distinct writing style. The characters are introduced well, with their introductions being woven into the action of the story rather than just inserted. I feel that as the story progresses. we'll get clear, distinct impressions of each of the people.
Clearly there is tension between the MC and the Gwen/Roger characters. Curious to know what that is about; a good motivator to keep readers wanting more. It's obviously not the same old story of poor, abusive foster parents. They may be abusive, but since the writer indicated they were wealthy (shopping bags reference) we the readers are left wondering why. Why did these people choose to foster if they didn't need the money? Or are they fostering only for some kind of financial benefit which they are spending on extravagant purchases? What does that mean for the kids they foster--what kind of environment do people that selfish create for their foster kids? Most importantly, how has this shaped the MC?
My own personal recommendation is not to make it such that the main character's tragedies are the only thing that defines her. Misfortunes aside, who is the MC? Have some moments when you bring out her personality without it being in relation to the bad things happening around her. This could apply to all the characters moving forward as well. Make them people who happen to have bad things happening in their lives, not just people who have bad things happening to them. Show how their personalities affect how they respond to their circumstances.
Good luck writing.

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