The_Dragon

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When Are We? A David Wilcox Adventure

I would think about either removing chapter one or completely rewriting it. It didn't touch me and seemed out of place, as if it was ripped from another part of your story and randomly placed in the front.

Your second chapter is much better. I feel a connection with David, though there are moments I am taken out of the story as well. For example: his mother who asks him if he wants to take his calming excercises again? He is seventeen: I understand an overprotective mother, but this is something you say to a ten year old, not a teen who is only a few months away of turning into an adult.

Also, when he tells his professor what he really wants to do, it's obvious to the reader he knows more than he shows (good, this will keep us reading). David obviously sees this too (why else tell us) but he then wonders why his professor becomes more distant? I would think he already knew that. At least I as a reader suspect it.

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