VeliaJMatthews

Maine

I'm a twenty-four year old girl with a big dream! Thank you all so much for your love and support on this journey, and don't forget to follow me for more updates ;D

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VJM

Just a quick disclaimer, I am not a professional, and anything I say in any review is strictly based on my own opinion. I try to give advice and be polite as possible, but I know my tone can come off blunt.

Plot- I think the plot is original, at first when I read Assasin I thought of Assasin's creed and realized this was not what was happening, haha, so my mistake on that. But, it is a fresh idea much different than I have seen on Inkitt.

I do think it can be a little confusing at times though. Reading the first chapter, the intro indicated that this was a present-tense scene, but everything was spoken as past tense. Even the way you describe the character's appearances, it is written in "had or were" both past tense.

When it came to the second chapter, I didn't realize it had changed characters until you started describing the new character. Which took me out of the story because I had to figure out who was actually speaking. I also didn't care for the parentheses used. I know you used them to translate the language, but they are personally just a pet peeve of mine when it comes to writing. I think a better way to deal with the usage of another language, maybe have one sentence showcasing the language, telling the reading "As both men spoke in their native tongue, Arabic," etc. that way you can still flow with the English language, and the readers will know that they are actually speaking their native language.

Also, there were times when you didn't separate your paragraphs so it was like reading one long paragraph instead of multiple. It made it very hard on the eyes and difficult to know when a scene was ending.

Overall, I did like the story, and I loved that it was an original idea. I think with some simple editing, this short story could really do well! I hope I wasn't too harsh in my critique like I said before, these are just my opinions, you can ignore them if you disagree.

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VJM

A quick disclaimer, I try to be helpful and give advice when I give reviews, but I don't sugarcoat things. I have a very blunt way of speaking, but I don't ever mean to come off harsh or insensitive.

Plot- As far as the plot goes, I wasn't very interested because, to me, it's just another werewolf novel based upon abuse. I wish there were more to it that made it unique, but I couldn't help comparing it to previous books I have read that have the same premise. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just that werewolf stuff isn't my cup of tea.

Characters- I think it's relatively apparent Luke and her father are assholes. I would like to see more character growth from Hayley so that she isn't pitied as much! Character growth is significant, and I'd hate to see her just stay this person who lets her abuse consume her instead of moving past it and becoming a more influential person due to it.

There were a lot of grammatical and spelling errors. Commas are extremely helpful because you had some sections that had severe run-on sentences that I could just hear my English teachers chastising me over.

I also have this HUGE pet peeve of people using the actual number (4) instead of typing it out (four). For me, it just pulls me out of the story, I also see it as lazy, your hands are already on the keys to write the number, don't take the extra step to reach an index finger upwards to press on the number four.

I also noticed you use parentheses in your sentences. Don't. Do. That. Instead of brackets, this is where commas come in handy. So instead of saying, "My mother (Ava)-" just write "My mother, Ava,)
"I never got to meet her-We never met" repetitive of the same sentence. You wrote in two different ways that Hayley never met her mother, right after the other. That's unneeded and very tedious to read. The only time something such as that should be repeated is if it's later in the story and is necessary to explain.

I also didn't find every area believable. My example of this is that you stated due to her father, Hayley's wolf has disappeared. So that means, as you said, she can no longer heal. At least, not as quickly as she used to. So when you explain that her head was smashed open, I find it very difficult to believe she was awake or even alive after this happened. A head wound that extreme would cause some SERIOUS blood loss. It would be far more believable if you mentioned after that she passed out due to blood loss and awoke to Luke doing the nasty thing he does to her. It's still not entirely accurate, but it is much more realistic.

Overall, I think this book has potential, but it does need some revamping and editing. None of this is me saying you are a terrible writer because it's not the case! All this means is you're learning. Everyone is continuously growing as writers and continue to grow the more they write. I don't want any of this to dishearten you. I am hoping it will help you notice these things and grow as a writer. I'm sorry if anything I said was harsh, and I hope you continue to write.

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VJM

I honestly really enjoyed reading this, admittedly once I found out she was going to Vegas I kind of guess what was about to happen! You know what they say, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, at least it’s supposed to! That said, I love the book so far, it’s charming, elegant, believable, and funny! I can’t wait to read more, you definitely have talent and it’s a breath of fresh air to read something this wonderful!

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VJM

So, I never say this lightly, I'm honestly an extremely harsh critic. But, I love this. You're writing ability surpasses so many people, it's honestly insane! The way you paint the world and the emotions of your characters, I honestly have no words for how incredible it truly is. It's truly art how you string your words together, your metaphors, word usage, even the way you describe their appearances. Truly masterful work.
That being said, there were very few spelling errors, but those were easily overlooked. It goes without saying, that I am very impressed and without a doubt, addicted to this story!

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Hooked!

I honestly love that the “bad boy” isn’t as bad as he first appears, he’s just clearly someone still mourning the loss of someone he loved dearly! I’m so excited to see where their story goes!!!

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Interesting

I honestly found it quite difficult at times to really know what was happening, there was a lot of dialogue and not much for surrounding descriptions. What do things look like through her eyes versus another’s? What are the smells, good and bad? Taste, and the way things feel, is the air cold or warm, does the sun beat down or is it hidden away? Those minor details will really help paint a picture of what your character is going through and seeing/feeling. I will say I was a little worried when I read about Tiara’s interview with a rich bachelor, kind of gave me “Fifty Shades of Grey” vibes, nothing wrong with that but just be careful not to make things too similar otherwise that’s all people will see instead of your visual. Aside from that I really enjoyed the plot and the mystery surrounding Tiara, I’m looking forward to reading more from you.

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VJM

I loved this, the way you write is very fluid and really paints a picture for the reader, which isn’t always an easy feat. I’m looking forward to reading more from you and I hope others see how much potential this story (hopefully many more of your stories) has. I’m short, I’m looking forward to reading the next chapter!!

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Has great potential

I think the plot line of the story has wonderful potential and I’m very intrigued. Although there are some pretty major grammatical errors. For example you wrote “he wouldn’t gave up any information” when the proper word usage would be “give”. I’m not sure if English is your first language or not, but if it’s not, then either way you are doing a great job at captivating your audience. Simple commas, periods, and such will also do wonders! Either way I’m excited to see you write more! Write on fellow writer!

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Wow!

Okay! So, I usually steer clear of anything werewolf related, but I actually loved this! You definitely paint a wonderful picture and I’m so excited to read more. If I did have one critique, it was a little hard to follow when her and Greg were trying to run from the rogues. At first I thought they were in human form and if they transitioned I just didn’t catch it, but aside from that I honestly loved it and the way you introduced the characters.

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VJM

So, right away, I could tell this isn't an average story. This felt so...real. I think that's why I loved it so much, it was raw and you didn't hold back. You brought things to light that most people would shy from and that is not only bold but admirable. That being said, the only severe issue I found was that sometimes your paragraphs would be so long that it would take up my entire screen. I would just count your periods. If there are three to five, then it may be time just to indent that out and make a new paragraph.

Your writing style was a little jarring at times, but you broke the "fourth wall" in a sense by talking directly to the reader, I felt as if I was listening to my best friend talk about their childhood, and I loved that. It's not often you find a writer who so easily and fluidly, connects with their readers on that kind of level. I think you are truly someone whose creativity knows no bounds, and that's a very special gift. I hope you continue writing in the future, and never give up!

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VJM

I felt like this was an interesting read, there was plenty of mystery and thrill. But I did notice you went back and forth between tenses, which can be pretty jarring and distracting on the reader. There were also a few spelling mistakes, but those are overall easy fixes. All in all, I think this is a great start to your story and I'm eager to see where it will lead. Write on fellow writer.

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VJM

Alright, so I don't feel compelled to leave a disclaimer about how I do my reviews. But I would like to start by saying, this is the first time I've put five-stars in each category.

Plot- I thought the plot of Jack and Diane was one that has been used before, but you've definitely made it your own and have done well in straying from the typical cliche's. I found myself continually analyzing the characters and not fully trusting the ones that seemed to be the main character, Jacks, ally. This is also the first book I have picked up on Inkitt that I've started reading and finished it in one sitting. I thoroughly enjoyed each chapter. There were times when Jack's temperament annoyed me a bit, but that just seems to be a flaw of his character, I don't think it's an issue whatsoever.

Writing Style- I enjoyed your writing style a lot, and due to a previous review you've left on my book, I have learned much from it. The only thing I felt it lacked was the tone usage. Though I'm sure that is just personal preferences, even without it, I still think the tones came across the way you intended them to be without the added words.

You mentioned how you didn't want the review to be focused on grammar, and honestly, you'd be correct to want to bypass that part because it was practically perfect.

Overall, I was/am completely hooked on this story. I think everything to beginning to the current stages, is absolutely a work of art. I find myself so invested that I keep thinking of how the book is going to end, or if there is something between Mark and Judith that hasn't been explained. It's so hard to predict what happens next, and I LOVE that about this story. There are honestly times when I'll start a book and put it down immediately due to bad grammar, spelling, and even over cliche. You've done well all in all, and I'm shocked this story hasn't gotten more attention. You are an author to look out for, and I'm excited to see where this story goes.

I don't mean to be overly optimistic in my review, and it's not to butter you up in any way. I honestly found no issues in your book, and I think it is masterful. You are an excellent writer, and I hope your books go far, whether it's on Inkitt or directly published. You deserve recognition.

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VJM

I enjoyed reading this story a lot, I think it's a great way to not only showcase what exactly we as people truly are doing to our world but also, the troubles of starting a new world trying to fix past mistakes. This is such a creative and unique idea. I'm not someone who usually enjoys Sci-Fi related things, books, or movies, but this is definitely an exception to that!

If I were to have once critique, I really dislike it when people use parentheses in writing, it just looks very unappealing to me, but that's just my personal opinion. All in all, I can't wait to read more! Keep it up.

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VJM

So a quick disclaimer*** When I write reviews, I do so in hopes to point out things you may not notice because as writers we have read and re-read pages multiple times, so we tend to miss things. I also try to be as polite as possible, but I do tend to have a blunt way of speaking, so I apologize in advance if anything I say sounds harsh, I promise it's not meant to!****

As far as the overall plot goes, I really enjoy it, it's original and I like the way you have the dialogue flow between each character. Where you lost me a bit was when you kind of "broke the fourth wall" in a sense when discussing the anxiety medication. It makes me think either this is a story she, Astrid, is personally telling, meaning this should all be past tense. If that's not what you're trying to do, I would switch the wording up by saying something like- "Even though I know others would tell me up and down that medication doesn't work, I found that in higher dosage it does." or however you choose to word that.

I also have a HUGE pet peeve for when people type out the number instead of writing out the number example "I am 24." it should be "I am twenty-four." To me typing out the number itself is a bit lazy, and amateur. It personally pulls me out of the story just by annoyance. I'm not saying you have to change it based on my opinion, but if you were to ever properly publish this story, it is something they would request you fix.

All in all. I think this was a wonderful story, and I'm excited to read more, The things I have listed above are, in the long run of quality, minor. I hope you continue writing and I'll be keeping tabs on this story.

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VJM

Hi there! So just a disclaimer- When I do reviews, I do them as politely as possible and always look to give tips and advice. I never mean to sound harsh, mean, or insensitive. I'm admittedly a harsh critic, so I apologize in advance if I sound rude. I don't mean to, I just have a really blunt way of speaking when I review things XD That said, let's get on to this review :)

The Plot- The overall plot I do like, the stalker, heroine side of it. It keeps you guessing and on the edge, and leaves you craving more.

Characters- Rosie is an interesting character, I like that she's not a Mary Sue, and she's relatable. Henry reminds me a lot of Dexter from the show, which isn't a bad thing, it makes him likable, in a weird way, I liked seeing his point of view "See through the eyes of the killer" in a sense.

What I didn't like:

I felt like there were spots where there was unnecessary detail, such as what she had for breakfast, or the number of things she sold. They could easily be simplified. For example, instead of naming off the thing she sold one by one, maybe say "unaware that I was reading the items I sold aloud, a familiar voice piped in-" queing Ellie's comment of her doing a good job that day.

I really didn't like the multiple usages of the word "unexpected" the title itself says "The Unexpected" instead maybe use the words "strange, unusual, werid-etc" it's less tedious and doesn't pull the reader out of the story

The parenthesis also bothered me a bit, I don't think parenthesis should ever be used in a novel, it kind of pulled me out of the story and I felt you could still explain what you wanted without them. For example, instead of saying "My boss (Benson)" you could have said "My boss, Benson, etc etc" it is much smoother and keeps the story flowing without interruption.

I did see some grammatical errors, such as where there should have been commas where there were periods and simple stuff such as "Me and Ellie" ---> should be "Ellie and I" but those are pretty minor compared to other stories.

I would say to break apart your paragraphs, there were times when a paragraph is so long it takes up the whole page. I know it's difficult to gauge something like that on the app, trust me, haha. But a simple way to help that a little is just constantly previewing your chapter before submitting it, that way you can see the layout of the paragraphs.

I was also extremely confused on if Ellie was British or not. She notes that Henry has a British accent, but she herself previously calls her apartment a "flat" so I'm not sure if they live in the UK or USA, or if she moved to the UK and just picked up the dialect.

"But my hand froze when I felt a hand take it out." I didn't really care for this sentence mostly because it was repetitive with the word "hand". I think what would make it a little better is if you used a description of the hand. Example: "But my hand froze my ice-cold fingers grazed against a warm hand." just little descriptions can really make a sentence that much better!

I'm very sorry for the long review, but I try to be as thorough as I can, and I hope you don't hate me for my critiques. I did love the plot and thought it had great potential and I loved how all the characters interacted with each other, Henry made for a perfect psycho stalker just craving love and Rosie the damsel was super relatable. I wish you luck in your future writings fellow write! Dream big and never let your passion die!

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VJM

This is honestly one of the BEST writing abilities I have read on this site. The way the author creates such a vivid world is truly magical. I felt like I was right there with the characters the whole time. I have zero cons for this story and I am truly eager to read what is to come! I hope the author never stops writing and realizes what a gift they truly have!

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VJM

I like the plot of this story, the immediate mystery about Accalia and her past. I think the story is heading in a great direction. Though, it did have some grammatical errors. For example, when Accalia introduced herself she said "Accalia white..." without capitalizing the last name, it's minor but it does make a difference. As while as Mr Knight
I'm sorry if anything sounds like I'm being a jerk, I try to be as nice as possible when I give my reviews and advice. We're all learning as we go and I am, by no means, a perfect writer. If I was, I hope I would be famous by now, haha, all jokes aside though, I do like your book so far, and I'm enjoying the read. The great thing about writing, is even without knowing, we're constantly improving!

Write on fellow writer!

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VJM

I like where you're going with this story, definitely one I will be keeping an eye on for certain. If I were to give cons, I think it's a little fast-paced with Derek coming straight out and telling Laura she's his mate, but I'm sure it can be stretched out more. It's hard to really gauge how well I like this book so for with so little chapters, but I am definitely intrigued!

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VJM

I don’t know if this would classify as a novel, I mean no offense. But, it seems more like a screenplay. When the characters have dialogue, sometimes it’s hard to know who is talking. I got a bit lost throughout the story the way you have it laid out with bold and italics. I think this story has potential, and I hope you continue writing

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VJM

There were some grammatical errors and simple past/present tense mistakes. But, my biggest issue was I felt like things were fast paced, I mean you explain this woman plays hard to get and then she suddenly is confiding in him and revealing her sexual links. Seems kind of easy to me, I would have liked to see you play out a scene where she does really brush off his advances to really set it in there. Also, in my opinion, men who are wealthy, and even not, try to show a woman on the first date how well they can provide for them. Whether it be food, clothes, transportation, and home life. So to me, him offering them a nice dinner out with pizza kind of took me out of the story. Not to bash on pizza, but if a million dollar bachelor asked me out on a date, especially a first date, I’d expect something more lavish. All in all, I do think it a an excellent start, you do have a great way of painting a picture and really expressing these characters personalities which I love. I hope you continue writing!

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VJM

So, I haven’t completed the book yet. But just by reading the first three chapters I am completely and utterly hooked. The author has such a beautiful, eloquent way with her words and paints a beautiful picture for her readers. I’m not going to lie, I have started stories and stopped reading after only a few paragraphs because they werent that great. But this is a GEM and I recommend anyone to read this.

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VJM

I liked the plot of this story a lot because it held a strong sense of mystery with both characters. A couple of things that I did find issues with are:

1. You're writing in the third person, and when the girl with amnesia meets Deliah, you instantly wrote Deliah's name even though the character and the readers hadn't been properly introduced, and then you introduce her.
2. A bit confused why Deliah sees the amnesia girl and instantly recognizes her as her daughter and then acts like she didn't know who she was just because the girl didn't know her. If the girl has amnesia and Deliah does believe it's her daughter, I feel like she, Deliah, would try harder to get the girl with amnesia to recognize her.
3. The book kind of jumps. Such as when Deliah asks the girl to follow her to her home, you don't describe where they went, how long it took, or if they were still in the wild.
4. Punctuation and grammar could use some work

I feel like if you worked on these things, then this book would really pop. As it is, you have a good solid plot that isn't full of cliche's, and that's half the battle. I am looking forward to seeing you grow as a writer. Write on fellow writer, write on.

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Good!

I did enjoy the plot a lot but I felt like the main character was a bit Mary Sue. Making her just a little unrelatable, however I do love the mafia plot and that’s she’s kind of a bad ass who can take care of herself, I look forward to reading more.

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Pretty good!

This isn’t my usual cup of tea, but I liked your description use and the descriptions you give. Definitely can see the picture you paint and I enjoy your word usage! I can’t wait to read more!

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VJM

To be honest, I had a difficult time reading this. Not because it was "that terrible" it mostly wasn't my favored genre. I think the story has great potential, and I love the little brother Ollie. But I think you should work around more detail of the characters. Not just their tones, but for example, when Ollie is initially upset by his parents, you mention he is angry, and sad. But, I'd love to "see" he is, like, his fists being bawled up, angry tears streaming down his chubby cheeks. It gives the reader more visual. It's always difficult to find the middle ground of too little detail and too much. That being said, I will be keeping an eye on this story. The wonderful thing about writing, is we are always improving.

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