Oscar Hinlevitch

Excellent story...needs editing

This story was a wonderful tale. I thoroughly enjoyed the tapestry painted by the author. It definitely needs editing, though. There were a lot of grammatical errors, but what was most disrupting to the flow was change of tense early on. That did get better further into the story.

There are a few places where things ideas are glossed over a little too quickly. In addition, there are concepts that are almost unbelievable. Most people wouldn't accept the idea of vampires being real. There's simply no way. Even Elisabeth accepted it too quickly, and I'm not even going to talk about Gigi. Great character there, by the way. Her parents quick acceptance should have set off alarms for Elisabeth. Sure, they argued that vampires weren't real, but they didn't really seem phased by the idea. As a reader, that bothered me. You should always try to avoid anything that makes the reader pause. When they pause, you're in danger of losing them, and if the pause too many times, you will.

Before you publish, you should have a few select readers go over it and tell you what's wrong with it. They can be friends or family, but make sure they're honest with you and be willing to accept the feedback. You can't improve without that criticism, so long as it's constructive.

Overall, it was a great story and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Good work! Now, clean it up.