Akila Athen

An Amazing Story

This is a wonderful story that just reminds me of the Saint's Row which I loved! The main character is very well written. You do have a few grammar and punctuation errors here and there but other than that, this is an amazing story. You definitely have talent to be a Fanfic author! To be truthful, fanfics are not my thing. At all. I have multiple reasons as to not like them but your story is probably the only fanfic I have ever liked. You can just ask my boyfriend to find out how much I don't like fanfics so the fact that I love your story is saying something. You should definitely keep writing more stories. I can't wait to see how this one ends.

-Akila Athen

Wonderful Story!

Your story is wonderful and I really like it. However, you are not using enough punctuation. For example, "I look around the room for my spot to sit at until I lock eyes with her mom wasn't lying when she said she changed a lot over the years." This sentence has a couple of errors. Instead, it should be, "I look around the room to find a spot to sit at until I lock eyes with her, mom wasn't lying when she said she changed a lot over the years." There are more sentences such as these. You are able to portray stuff other authors aren't able to, like emotions and etc. But I feel like you lack in writing style and I agree with @GrantAyers that you tell rather than show. But other than that it is a great book.

-Akila Athen

A Wonderful Story That Could Use A Bit Of Work

This story as I mention in the title, is wonderful and I feel it has more potential if you change it a bit. The plot sounds very interesting to me, as I had never read a book with this type of theme. So I was happily surprised, and had a bit of a higher expectation than other books I read. And let me just tell you, those expectations were fulfilled. But they started getting higher and higher, and your story was so close to fulfilling them. Which is why I am giving you a total of 2 five stars and 2 four stars. There are many positive things I see in your story, the first one is Character Growth. Toby has experienced losses and because of this he is growing. A negative point in this book is the grammar/punctuation mistakes. I am not saying nobody makes mistakes like those, I just hope that you find some time to go back and correct them. A positive note, this concept is very creative. And you expressed some of the scenes so wonderfully that it felt like a movie playing inside my head. I feel like that is all there is to my review.
Though, one thing for sure, you are a very talented and amazing author. I could have never came up with an idea as creative as this story's idea is. You have a very bright future as an author and no matter what setbacks you encounter, I want you to face it head on and never give up.

Thank you for giving me the pleasure of reading your story,

Akila Athen