Alice of Sherwood

Nottingham, UK

I love to write strong and striking characters from all over the LGBTQ+ Spectrum. 'The Red Slayer' is just the beginning.

Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

There's a lot to go through

You have an interesting story. There's nothing I love more than a woman on the hunt for revenge. Almost all my female characters have had that motive at some point. I think it could do with a little revision however. You could get a lot from delving into the mind of your protagonist by writing from their perspective. First person is used a lot, yes, but if you want to go for that psychologically complex character, it will take your readers on a rollercoaster.
I rated your punctuation low because there are a lot of easy mistakes in here. Keep an eye on how many ellipses you have. It can seem effective, but it can disrupt the flow for those reading. Also, when someone is shouting, you need only use one exclamation mark, if at all.
Also, the character introductions need redoing. I don't know anything about Lola by just seeing her reflection. It's usually a cliche to introduce a character starting their day or looking in a mirror. I'm guessing Lola is meant to be a femme fatale, so a good way to introduce her is what she's choosing to wear. What is her favourite lipstick? Has she spent her life dressing the way she thinks people want her to?
Overall, this is a good effort. There's definitely a complex story in there. Keep at it. Look at some more literature to do with this subject.

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