Camilla Barber

Cambridge, UK

I am a medical student at Cambridge University, but I love writing and I do so whenever I get the chance. I have been writing stories (all of which are on fanfiction.net) for almost ten years.

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Nice read!

Hi there, May said you were worried about your story but I enjoyed reading it! I like Lily's devotion to Sirius as her brother, it's really sweet, but also how she's still friendly towards Severus. As to ways you could improve, I think maybe characterisation. I expect that with Lily growing up in a Pureblood house she would have slightly different views to those she had in canon being a muggleborn, and I would have thought that she would've tried to persuade Sirius to leave James (after he had been mean to Severus) and to join her and Severus as she usually got on so well with Sirius. I was also a little surprised that being with Severus didn't cross her mind when waiting to see where she would be Sorted, as she chose to spend the journey with him rather than the brother she adored, which indicated that she really liked him. - it's just little things like that. Try to imagine what each character wants from their perspective and to be consistent. But it's a nice start and I hope you continue :-)

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