Chaoscaller

Male who loves to write fantasy, magical-realism style. All constructive feedback is welcome.

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Really nice book! But...

First off, I want to say you have put together a monumental effort in this finished book. Very good job! I enjoyed it immensily. You wrote in present tense for the most part, which is not my cup of tea persoanlly. But I did enjoy your story, so well done!

That being said, if I may add a small point of critique... You seem to have the tendency to stop your plot for the sake of descriptions. On its own, its nothing much. But it does stop the prgress of your plot and slowly the events while your reader needs to slog through a a paragrpahs of two of mere descriptions. My tip is to describe while people act within the environment. Like a character that sinks into an old creaking chair behind a classic, mahogany desk. Instead of first telling the surroundings and then telling the actions.

One last tip, if I may: You seem fond of using 'buried speech' . As in spoken text buried between two normal sentences. It's better to move such dialogue to the front of the paragraph. Otherwise, people could look over it.

Last but not least: excellent job! Please keep up the good work!

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Nice plot with just minor faults.

Quite a nice plot you have here! Nice characters as well and nice use of first-person perspective. It is not my personal cup of tea, but I more than appreicate your choice and you make it work.

That being said, I have some slight recommendations for the future of your story. Have you ever heard the principle of 'show, don't tell'? You seem to have a habit of just telling your readers what is going on and what your characters are thinking, which may come over as insulting to your readers. Don't be afraid to leave some room for imagination.

Another point, if I may. Sometimes, you relapse into something what I'd like to call an exposition dump. Where one character explains something for an entire paragraph, or more. Which isn't necessary. It is better to reveal that information gradually throughout several scenes (if at all). That makes it easier for your reader and leaves some room for mystery.

Aside from a few minor grammatical errors (comma's that shouldn't be there and such), a very nice book. Keep up the good work!

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Very nice yet gory!

Not for the faint of heart, this one. The author did hold true to their promise of writing a dark and gritty story. Even I, who can handle a bit of gore and horror, had to swallow sometimes.

Anyhoo, on with the story in general. It is a dark and gritty story with the first few paragraphs setting the tone of darkness, death , trauma and a whole slew of other gory things. But it presented in a good way, without leaving parts out of it. You have a pretty direct way of writing things and while that is very good, I'd advice against using too graphical descriptions. I would opt for a lighter approach to describing things, to give your readers' mind the option of making the whole scene even grizzlier as they read on.

Your writing style is also very nice. Quite eloquent, in fact. I didn't spot many writing mistakes and your punctuation is... Well, on point. However, if I may give you a slight tip... Don't use words that are linked with speaking after a spoken sentence. Like ("It was just a dream." She said.). Your readers know that someone speaks just by seeing the double quotation marks. I'd advise using that small part after spoken sentences for descriptions and/or actions. Like this: ("It was just a dream." She wiped his brow with a damp cloth, her eyes filled with worry and care.)

As for the rest, keep going! You are doing brilliantly!

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Very interesting and well-written!

The author has a very expert-like writing style. Their descriptions are quite nice as well. The use of dialogue is also very nice and not too much. However, some parts are like ping-pong: Bouncing dialogue between two sides with no real advancement in the plot. Which is perfectly fine for a short bit (like four lines) but not for a long amount.

While the writing style and punctuation are very nice, I found some sentences a bit... Obsolete? Like this: "My name is..." He said. If someone sees quotation marks, they will know someone says something. My advice would be to make the characters do something or put a small description about the speaker after (or in front of) the spoken sentence.

Aside from that, excellent story so far!

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