ChrisFBrandt

Bangkok

17. INTJ. Surreal memes.

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Do people actually do drugs in high school?

I binged every chapter from start to end. Though the fantasy part took me some time to adjust, I find myself curious about these supernatural systems and kept reading for more. The plot overall is also easy to understand. Hats off to that!
Some sentences are confusing due to possible gaps, while some are actually two seperate sentences, and should be divided with a period instead. Spelling errors, though evident, can be fixed in a snap of a finger.
Good job and Happy Writing!

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This is an intense ride.

I sense a Murakami-esque style with an original touch of French culture (which isn't bad; in fact, I love it), and I love how you end things with hope rather than complete despair. Perhaps you can contemplate a little more on Rosie's 'multiple lives' metaphor and weave it right to the end. That would be fantastic.
Grammatical errors and word confusion, though still present, can be fixed in a blink of an eye.
Wonderful job! Happy Writing!

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Everyone Hates King John, For Some Reason

Sorry it took quite some time; I read this story twice and did some reseach on the Magna Carta in order to give you a proper review.
The characterisation and setting is well-written and fleshed out. I like how you modify the dialogue from the more historically accurate Old English to a modern style that is easier to understand. Brilliant!
The plot is vivid, to the point, and enjoyable with a touch of humour (curse the apple that hit William's face!). However, I can't seem to fully grasp the mystery aspect of the story. Perhaps it needs a little elaboration.
On style, it is simple and well-written; although some adverbs or adjectives (especially in dialogue tags) can be removed. Some of them needn't an adverb at all, such as this one:
'Good to see you, Arthur!' Robert replied.
The reader can already imagine Robert's voice to be enthusiastic. Cutting 'enthusiastically' out will make your writing more concise.
Other than that, I look forward to read more of your stories! Happy Writing!

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K-Pop Choreography is Fun to Dance To

Pardon the review name; I'm out of ideas XD. Somehow, the simplicity of this whole story (especially the romance) makes me incredibly anxious on what's going to happen next. The whole time I was like, 'No. This is too perfect. Let me take note of the chocolate chip pancakes in case it becomes useful.' You've managed to get me to engage this story with a relatable protagonist, vivid descriptions, and
There are some grammar and punctuation mistakes (missing periods or capital letters), as well as switching tenses between past to present. But that can be quickly edited.
I'm keeping an eye on future chapters. Thank you for sharing this story and Happy Writing!

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'Porn videos, like Rome, don't start in a day.'

You just won the entirety of Inkitt.

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Hmm

Pacing a little too slow for me. Though the plot is definitely intriguing, and the mystery of the main character lures me to turn more and more of these pages. Keep going and Happy Writing!

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Okay. So!

This is surprisingly nice. May not be the poetry I expected, but it conveys unfiltered emotions nonetheless. Happy Writing!

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Wholesome Overall

It's just...I don't know. It's like a breath of fresh, open air under a perfect breeze. You've coloured the story well while leaving some white space. Very few grammar and punctuation mistakes, though there are some mix-ups on verb tenses.
Great job and Happy Writing!

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Two tips here.

1. I don't think the prologue is necessary.
2. You don't need dialogue tags for every single line. Cut some of them out and see if it flows more smoothly.

Other than that, the descriptions here are quite vivid and on-point. And hey: a coming-of-age story! That's my kind of stuff! :D I look forward to see how the story goes, and Happy Writing!

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A big yes!

The mist of mystery lingers throughout the story. Though the plot is simple, the poetic prose keeps me going till the end. Though questions remain, it's the beauty of this story, and I think it's best to keep this as a one-shot altogether. Great job!

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:)

Off to a great start. I like the narrative disruption in that one part, although I do recommend toning the ellipsis down to just...well, three dots.

Looking forward to the next chapters! Happy writing!

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Atmospheric with Witty Humour

I don't see much plot, but the setting and dialogue makes me enjoy it a lot. Perhaps proofread your story a little, as some sentences are incomplete when it should be. Also, there's one of which where Shovel Face is 'Shovel face'.

Also, the oddly specific analogies. It's exactly my kind of humour. I left a laugh in the middle of my office and my boss almost questioned me. You did a great job on that!

Keep it up and happy writing!

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Pronounced Characters and Narrative Voice

I'm not into romance at all, so I can't comment much about the plot. What I notice, however, is your characters are fully fleshed out, with some little quirks as cherries on the top.

The flow of each sentence speaks well to the character as a romance protagonist. But it is balanced by descriptions which get to the point and don't waste time on purple prose. What I recommend, though, is to revise some sentences again and see which ones should have a full stop instead of a comma. It's a common writing mistake, resulting in long sentences without white space.

A great website is Hemingwayapp.com. It lets you know whether your sentences are too long or confusing.

Happy writing!

(P.S. You just taught me how normal people have small talk. I'm terrible at it XD)

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Yeezus Fuq

I was expecting the narrator to be more elaborate on the reasons she and her love broke up.
But yeezus, the emotional outlet. It's as if you're writing this to a lost love, with a slice of despair no matter how much hope you have. Most of us have experienced heartbreak; betrayal; loss. You deliver those messages in a natural yet artisic way.

I believe we humans are all artists. Your writing is the epitome of that.

Keep going! Happy writing!

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Purple prose that actually works

The opening line is one of the best I've ever seen. It engages the reader to think about the message the writer is trying to deliver. Mesmerising.

So far it's too early to comment on the plot, but I see a direction, so that's a win for both the readers and the writers. Surprisingly, your purple prose works in a mystical way which ties one sentence to another, paragraph to paragraph. Few writers can pull it off. The only time when it gets disctractive is dialogue. Reducing it to just the speaking and crucial body language will let it flow much more smoothly. There's no need to describe every line.

Good luck and happy writing!

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Wow.

Just wow. Strong characterisation, atmospheric plot, and vivid narrative voice. In style and plot, I love all of it. High five!

The only thing to work on here is dialogue punctuation.
"This is proper dialogue punctuation," I say. "Notice that commas and periods are before the end of the quotation mark. The only times we do otherwise are when we want to point out 'singular words'."

From there, I continued, 'In case you see singular quotation marks for dialogue in other stories, that's okay too. Just remember⁠—' I stopped to cough a little. "The uses are swapped and make sure your punctuation stays consistent."'

Happy writing!

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Innovative and Blissful

The immediate and powerful actions in the first paragraph hooks me to the next, then one after the other. Overall a refreshing read with a powerful summary. The ending has left me emotional with Draco himself.

Now, onto the nit-picky stuff:
I think the title works better without the 'Shh'. Just 'Don't cry' works, if not better.

Noticeable grammatical mistakes, and needs a little revision. The first sentence works better as a whole sentence, so:
'Their glares penetrated Draco's soul, and the cheers compressed against his heated ears.'

Notice I've cut the adjectives out. The word 'penetrate' is already piercing, and the word 'compress' is enough to tell that it's deafening. Another way to change around is:
'Their glares pierced Draco's soul, and the cheers deafened his heated ears.'
Experiment around and see which words work best.

Your pacing and variation of sentence length is excellent. Although, the adverbs can be a little bit much. Some of them even contradict each other. Cut the adverbs out and see if it still makes sense. For example:
'His footsteps gradually halted' to either:
'His footsteps halted.'
or
'His footsteps slowed down.'

Lastly, the 'And' and 'But'. There's nothing wrong with starting a sentence with it, but like adverbs, it can be a bit much. Cut them out, especially the 'And' s. Only if it interrupts the flow of the story do we add them back.

Happy reading and happy writing!

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Much Better

Grammar and style is much better. The plot made me think about what message the author is trying to convey; and though not much is written about the characters, there's a sense of connection flowing between them and the reader. At some poimt, we've probably gotten in their shoes before. Good Job and Happy Writing!

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Okay, hear me out.

I'm aware I'm being harsh, but without criticism like this there will be no improvement. Proper language is fundamental for writing anything, and even with good plot (your plot is actually quite decent) readers will quit if you don't write with it.

• Where is the punctuation? Research on where to put periods and where to put commas. Break your sentences down.
• If there's swearing, DO NOT censor. Otherwise just remove them altogether.
• Do you use American or British English? The story keeps switching between 'mom' and 'mum'.
• It's nice to see you use first person for Everleigh (her character just fits more to that); just make sure to go back and edit the first chapter too, okay?

Anyway, I hope to see your writing grow in your future pieces. Happy Writing!

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Waking up with a hot guy? Heck yeah, why not?!

I don't want to dwell too much on the plot. It's like...GODDAMN some tropes are so cliche I love it (please don't take it as an insult ;-;). Waking up with a random hot guy next to you? I've seen that a million times (and it's kind of creepy if you think about it). But ADMIT IT: WE'VE PROBABLY WANTED THAT AT LEAST ONCE! Heck yeah to a hot guy beside you!
Good style, excellent pacing; neither too fast nor too slow. Tick, tick, tick...punctuations can be fixed with a quick edit. I blame Inkitt for this (sometimes they modify your punctuation without warning).
For some reason, I love Scarlett/Stacy Macaroni. I found myself rooting for her the whole time. Looking forward to see what happens next and Happy Writing!

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Much room for improvement

Normally I can sense directions and connections in a story, and I do see a faint one between friendship and the new teacher. However, if someone else were to read this, they will be incredibly confused.
Some commas should be periods. Try using an editing website like Grammarly or ProWritingAid. A lot of words are repetitive and can be replaced with synonym (such as 'inausipicious' to 'ominous', 'ill-omened' or you can even rewrite and put 'a disgrace' into it).
I apologise for being harsh. But with genuine criticism, you can better your writing and make great short stories. I look forward to see you improve. Thank you for asking me to review this and Happy Writing!

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Big room for improvement

First of all, there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with short chapters. You don't need to apologise about that, m'kay? It's perfectly fine to have short chapters as long as it doesn't disrupt the flow of the story.
However, there are two major things I'm bothered by this:
1. You don't want to info-dump straight at the beginning. No one introduces yourself with personal problems. Perhaps when you revise this, make sure to send out snippets of information or show it indirectly; for instance, through parallel memories, through dialogue, etc.
2. Grammar and punctuation are crucial. Trust me. Even with bad plot, it will improve its apprearance and lure your readers a million times more.

It's your first book, so it's going to be bad. I'm pretty sure everyone's first book is going to be bad. But wherever you can improve or edit, please do so without hesitation. Don't overlook mistakes, especially simple ones.

That's my two cents. Good night from Thailand and Happy Writing!

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Aye.

By the first chapter, you're able to conjour an atmospheric imagine inside the reader's head, as well as introduce the system of Irregulars in a simple, understandable way. Most fantasy books struggle to do that. There are few grammatical mistakes which can be easily fixed (such as plural nouns with aprostophies), and some descriptions can be moved to before or after dialogue instead of disrupting in the middle.
Overall, I see a direction of where the plot is going, and I found myself caring for the characters with how you present them in the plot. Keep going and Happy Writing!

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Two minuses make a plus

Your characters really are something else. They are flawed and far from perfect, but the fact that they do well together is what makes this story brilliant. The visuals and senses are well-described (the smell of coffee--oh, the smell of coffee), the plot is wholesome, and it's perfect with a cup of hot mocha on a rainy, foggy evening. Keep going, Author, and Happy Writing!

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Simple plot which keeps you going

It's a nice read when you don't want to think too much, and just let the characters and plot flow. Minor punctuation errors which can be easily edited. Also, yes to the erotica.

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:D

This is...wow. This story will play with your emotions in a familiar yet fresh way. A small tip, however, is to either have a single POV in a single chapter, or write in the third person altogether. Otherwise, the character and plot development here is noticeable throughout the story. Happy Writing!

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It's alright.

It's your first book. I understand. But please sort what is important for the plot and what isn't. Also, check your grammar.

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Yee haw!

I'm looking forward to the next chapters to see how things will unfold. Just be sure to edit your punctuation as you upload your next chapter, m'kay? Happy Writing!

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I see potential

I like where this is going. With grammatic and spelling fixes, it could blossom into a fine-tuned novel. Happy Writing!

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Goodness.

I haven't read the solutions yet (Hey! No cheating!), but the first mystery got me thinking for a good while. I'm not sure on my own theory, and I won't read any answers until you tell me otherwise XD. Anyway, I'm looking forward for more updates and have another round of mind-messing. Happy Writing!

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Took me off-guard

Okay, normally I have a strong dislike for roleplays (thanks to rude, sexual ones), but I...surprisingly...enjoyed it??? If you're able to get someone who hates roleplays to like one of these, that means you have a serious talent. The narrative style is quick, witty, and truly unique, and while I was a little taken aback at first (because of how different it is), I quickly find myself glued on the audience chair and 'watch the show' till the very end.
Thank you for sharing this story with us and Happy Writing!

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Hit me like a truck.

At first I was about to review this the day before tomorrow, but in the middle of Chapter 2 I put the book down, took some time to contemplate, before reading again and having to do the same for Chapter 3. I've been through this before; and reading this is like reading through an autobiography of your own, embarrassing life. You've put your heart and soul into this book, and the words you wrote reflected my own memories.
When you're finished, please please please: NEVER delete this! Ever! It'll be a great service for those who are going through the same. And when you grow up and take a look back, you'll see how far you've come and have a surge to look forward to tomorrow.
Thank you for sharing this with us, and Happy Writing!

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Mosaic Art

While it's hard to grasp the element of poetry, I think it's what makes it even better. It's like pieces of broken glass coloured and put together into a creative piece of mosaic art. Well done!

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Perfection.

This is one of the best original stories I've ever found on the internet. Each sentence is crafted to match with...well, the erotica genre. If you don't know what I mean, it means that your style flows like a wisp of sweet, musky perfume, luring your reader to one sentence to the next, paragraph to paragraph. Well done!

I also like how realistic yet romantic the sex scene is. No over-the-top descriptions; just the simple bliss of lovemaking. And Taara's sermon...how long have you planned this? It gave me chills XD

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find success here on Inkitt! Happy Writing!

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A Head Nod

Will do great for a young adult or preteen target audience. Chapter division seems a little disruptive, and the Latin parts will do better without translation on the bottom (it'll keep the mysterious element on). On a positive note, the writing style is straightforward and doesn't waste time on descriptons. I like that. The only thing to say on that aspect is to recheck your punctuation and grammar. Also, I recommend using Inkitt's line break instead of three asterisks.

Good luck and Happy Writing!

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Looks promising.

The plot seems quite blocky and highly structured, but perhaps it's because of the writing style that gives its impression. However, the tiny snippets of Annie's experience is a great tool for descriptions, like in the snake bite scene. So far, I'm intrigued on why the story is called 'Something Borrowed', and I look forward to see it completed.

Happy writing!

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This is the shit I'm into.

If you don't mind a little swearing from a review, that is.

I like the bizarre humour here. It's like a cigarette without the nicotine. You either like it and become addicted, or it leaves you dazed on the spot for a minute trying to process how in the world people like it. (I know: the analogy sounds absurd coming from a 16-year-old, but it's true in a way.)

Please continue, even when quarantine is over.

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A refreshing read

I love how you format your story. Singular poetics lines take me into a trance of thought. As someone who gets easily bored, your straightforward and concise writing gets to the point and in turn becomes a refreshing read.

It's okay if you're writing on mobile, but on desktop there's an elegant line break you can use (in case you don't know). Proofread the last chapter again and check for missed spaces or punctuation marks which are out of place. Check the grammar on the last line on the latest chapter. Other than that, check, check, check.

On a serious note, however, I suggest you put the author's notes in a separate section altogether. Being friendly and engaging is good, but having them at the end of a chapter disrupts the flow of the story. Also, there's nothing wrong with having short chapters as long as the story flows together. Quality over quantity.

Good luck and happy writing!

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:D

I normally don't read fantasy, but today I decided to give this a go. I'll just say...I love the characters. I love flustered Kyle. And the plot caught me off-guard, too. In short, I didn't expect to love it!

Just be sure to check your grammar and punctuation, m'kay? Grammarly would do half the bid for you, and the other half would be some research.

Happy writing!

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Great portrayal of character

Thee plot strongly reminds me of Fahrenheit 451 and The Giver, but what makes it interesting is Jesse's rebellious and hot-headed character shown straight in the beginning. I like how it gets to the point instead of paragraphs of prose.

However, the paragraphs in Chapter 2 are too long. I almost skipped those altogether. Break ot down for easier reading.

Grammar and punctuation is excellent, although the quotation marks inside another set of quotation marks must be singular. For example,
"You see, Monsieur Religious, I don't believe in this 'Lord the Almighty', and I suggest neither should you."

Other than that, I look forward to the next chapters and the end! Happy writing!

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Major editing needed

I have problems correlating bits and pieces of the story together (like the funeral, the priest, the concept of immortality, etc.). How come did she diagnose herself as a psychopath? What exactly are her motives? More chapters would be needed to understand the plot; but for now, I'm intrigued.

On language, your prose and vivid imagery allows me to delve into the mind of the protagonist/narrator. But now, it's like an unpolished gem whose potential was hidden. First, I notice a plethora of padding/weak words, like 'I guess', 'I mean', or 'Ah, well'. Also, adverbs. Having them is fine, but I suggest cutting some out ('some', as in 50-70% of them). Your writing will strengthen. I promise.

Grammar. Most are correct, though the title of the first chapter...it's 'No Weddings'. Also, take a moment to revise some sentences, which look like sentences but aren't. Take a look at this one:
'The woman looked up, scanned the treeline.'
Now, I'm sure it's supposed to be a full sentence, so let's edit that.
'The woman looked up and scanned the treeline.'
Take some time to scan and edit. A rule of thumb is to use incomplete sentences ONLY if nothing is happening to the subject, or you're trying to break lengthy sentences.

On character, at first I thought the narrator was an emo-wannabe from r/im14andthisisdeep. That was until I read it a second time. Now, what I understand is that she is bored from immortality, and therefore pretends to be a psycho. If that were the case, it's acceptable. Living for 300 years would bore me to death too. But if not, write less about her personality (like 'I'm a pathological liar.' or something like that), and more about her actions. The one part where she ridicules the little girl in the funeral is a great example.

Breaking the fourth wall is amusing (I love the 'unreliable narrator those English literature teachers warned you about' part), but there are still limits. At some point, it became annoying. But perhaps it's just me, as I hate going off topic. Unless it's directly connected to the previous paragraph, either move those abrupt paragraphs somewhere else, break it into a new scene, or cut it off.

As always, I'm a sucker for dark psychology. The art of it is getting the reader to analyse the character while answering the promises you've given to them. I look forward to see your writing evolve and polished into a beautiful piece!

Good luck and happy writing!

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