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"pitiable thing, much like the Native American"
Blatant racism doesn't deserve a single star. Wow, what a turn off. I read the first chapter and found it to be affected and forced, much like the opening analogy.
Yesterday was unpleasant.
The attacks here have been removed along with all comments. You can still find some on facebook, though most parties deleted their comments.
I stand by my original sediment that if you set out to open a story with deliberately shocking hook, then you should be able to handle negative feedback. And the best response to a negative review is to read it to see if it has merit and then ignore it.
All that said;
I read the new Chapters 1 and 2.
The story is a bit disjointed, the writing seems forced, I was able to hold the thread of the story as it meandered forward, and the premise seems original and has promise. There are a lot of things missing from the page, character reasons, backstory, and settings and it was at time difficult to follow.
The writer shows some depth and I hope he continues moving forward. The grammar and punctuation would be fixed by a copyeditor or a run through grammarly, same as the passive voice issues could stand to be "hemmingway'd" a bit. The dystopian setting and characters are ready to be fleshed out in a second draft.
Overall, the new Chapter 1 is significantly better than the first version, I may check back later to see if it has grown further.
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