Chy Clayton

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Overall Rating
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Grammar Punctuation


"pitiable thing, much like the Native American"
Blatant racism doesn't deserve a single star. Wow, what a turn off. I read the first chapter and found it to be affected and forced, much like the opening analogy.
----edited 5/1/15------
Yesterday was unpleasant.
The attacks here have been removed along with all comments. You can still find some on facebook, though most parties deleted their comments.
I stand by my original sediment that if you set out to open a story with deliberately shocking hook, then you should be able to handle negative feedback. And the best response to a negative review is to read it to see if it has merit and then ignore it.
All that said;
I read the new Chapters 1 and 2.
The story is a bit disjointed, the writing seems forced, I was able to hold the thread of the story as it meandered forward, and the premise seems original and has promise. There are a lot of things missing from the page, character reasons, backstory, and settings and it was at time difficult to follow.

The writer shows some depth and I hope he continues moving forward. The grammar and punctuation would be fixed by a copyeditor or a run through grammarly, same as the passive voice issues could stand to be "hemmingway'd" a bit. The dystopian setting and characters are ready to be fleshed out in a second draft.

Overall, the new Chapter 1 is significantly better than the first version, I may check back later to see if it has grown further.

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