Hi, I really enjoyed your first couple chapters of your story! I just have a few critiques to make your book potentially better (but use them as you please).
Read the story now
- I feel like the introduction of your 'bad boy, love, interest' could be a bit less "I'm going to literally destroy you" if you know what I mean. Leaving out the bold letters and blending them in as the character thoughts might help it flow better with italicized print. Maybe something like:
"I licked my lips as I eyed the pair up and down, they looked so happy, so, so, happy. And I despised them for that, that they could walk about happily while my life was a disaster. The taller female caught my eye immediately. . . . (later in)* **** I felt the urge creep up and into my throat, the monster was speaking to me again- telling me things I knew I shouldn't do. , , to kill, to murder, to hurt these women just as my mom had hurt me all these years. . . "
Just as an example. Also, you noted that the character's eyes changed colors but I wasn't sure if this book was fiction or if it was rooted to normal day. Most people's eyes don't go terribly wacky that fast if they're off their meds.
Another thing to you might want to insert in the beginning might be a flashback scene before your love interest is introduced potentially in a psych ward so the readers can be introduced to him before the main character is.
Otherwise good read- I'm excited to see how this story progresses and I hope these comments find you well.
Let me know if you have any questions!