A story with potential
I rated this story overall with four stars out of five because there are many things you can improve. As your first book -is very good, but try not to rush it and be careful with the flow of the actions and events.
Read the story now
The writing style can be improved as well, try to reduce the "-ing" and some repetition, like the v neck line, which appears too much.
You could add a better description of the characters' internal struggles, so the reader could understand them better..
Remember always that i can understand only what you write, not what you picture. Gestures are important, many times a simple one can tell a lot about a character.
I hope this helps, as we learn and grow as writers- our fictional worlds grow with us.
Nevertheless, I would recommend your story and I enjoyed reading it.
Keep up the good work !