Cynthia Monica

I'm a Mystery writer with a guilty pleasure for Romance. Beside writing I also draw a lot, both traditional and digitally. Follow me on Instagram for story related content: @cynthia_monica_writing

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Just.... Wow

I am totally in love with the setting of this story. I love the way it's written, how you really feel like one of the people in the crowd, staring up at the three men who stood there with such power. I'm also already in love with Demeter, his heart is in the right place, I have no doubts about that. I don't like Odium tho, just saying. He seemed to have a stick up his ass the entire time. I really like how you've made these characters and how you showed so much of them in such a interesting way, and that in the first chapter! Amazing.

I've only noticed a few errors that a quick read through could easily fix, nothing too mayor that disturbed my reading experience ;) also, don't be afraid to use 'said' often. It might seem like a word that can easily be overwelmingly used, but this is an exception. Using 'said' or 'say' when someone speaks is obvious, and most of the time I personally (and I think others do too) read over it but it's not like I'm annoyed by the overuse. This way, when something is, for example; yelled, whispered, mumbled, etc. it has a bigger impact on the story, and can be used to give a cleared image of what a character is feeling while saying certain lines. I hope it's clear what I'm trying to say... I'm so bad at explaining sometimes. it all made sense in my head...

Overall I love the beginning of this story. I can already see it has great potential and a definite chance of success. You have all the elements to pull the reader in already set out in the first chapter, I can't imagen how great the second chapter could be, or the next, or the one after that. This story has so much potential, so much room to grow into an epic fantasy novel. Just the way that it is written, the way the story flows, the way the scene is described, how can you not fall in love with a story like this at first sight?

Keep writing, keep being amazing! Good luck on this journey!

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Really amazing!

So I just finished this story and I have to say I'm amazed. I really like the story, it's really good. I like the characters and that it doesn't have only a black and white view of point. like the queen, she wasn't all evil, even if she may appear that way. she loves her own children and raised them with love. it doesn't excuse her terrible behavior towards Deanna but I like how there is a different side to her even it is a bit hard to see at times. I also really liked how it showed how strong fear could be. How anyone, even the sweetest soul, could sometimes do horrible things just out of fear. But also how a kind hard can see through corruption and can stand strong even when faced with pain.

Aeon was also pretty interesting. It was fun to read their relationship develop and how well they got along with somewhat of this blind trust. Aeon was really charming and Max wasn't too bad either, I really liked them both. (Poor Max tho)

One thing I noticed was that (mostly in the beginning) some scenes were written a bit too fast. at points I got a bit confused as one scene suddenly turned into another without a clear break between them. other than that there weren't many things that caught my attention that I disliked. not even the small mistakes that a quick read through could fix were very noticeable.

I LOVE the way you describe the surroundings! At time I could really feel like I was standing right next to the characters. I really have to applause you on that, it was very well executed and it really added to the story. So, most importantly, I really liked this short story and hope that perhaps one day a sequel will be released. the characters are very interesting and certainly worth your time. I'm also very curious to what else this author has written as I see a lot of potential for a great story teller.

All in all, lovely short story for those who love a soft burning romance with a twist of angst and the slightest bit of mystery ;)

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Overall an Amazing Story!

This story is simply said amazing. The characters are very thought through and fleshed out very well, the story is suspenseful, captivating and very professionally written. One can clearly see that much thought and passion has gone into this story, a story definitely worth publishing. I really enjoyed reading this, even if it took me forever cause I'm such a slow reader (sorry).

I love how the story starts off slow. We get to know the characters very well and sorta start in a different kind of story before getting into the deeper stuff. Kinda like the calm before the storm. During this slow and steady beginning, we get a clear picture of what everyone's relationship with one another is and how this all came to be. I really enjoyed that, and the flashbacks to when they were young, how they discovered things together and how they support each other were just heartwarming to read.

A few other things I'd like to mention, though. For one I felt like a lot of the story was told. Now, there were a lot of beautiful and very well done descriptions, but still, for some parts, I felt like I was reading a bit of an info dump. What I mean by this, is that when we read the flashback, yes, of course it is more told than shown since it speeds a bit through moments, and I'm completely fine with that. It was the parts in the present that felt a little too rushed or plain. It was like the present was written exactly like the flashbacks, but because the present didn't move as fast a lot of scenes felt rushed.

An example of this that I come across at times when a story feels more told than shown is when a lot of dialogue is literally told. What I mean with this is that instead of the '"He was so handsome," she said' it is told to us as 'She told her friend he was handsome." this is of course allowed, like when a lot of information is repeated to a new character, but I came across these kinds of sentences a lot in this story. And again, in the flashback, it wasn't as bothersome since most of it has to be told in order to get the story moving along, but at the moments in the present when their conversation and smallest reactions to each other drive the story it could be a bit frustrating. It was just something I noticed and personally don't like as much. In my opinion, it disturbs the flow in a way, pulling me just a little too much from the story rather than sucking me into the conversation.

Other than that, I truly enjoyed the story. Again, I loved the slow suspenseful pace it had and the nostalgic feel. All of it was brilliantly done and of every detail is thought and carefully placed into a perfect position to complement the story and keep it going. The plot overall is just genius and very well executed. Twists and turns that keep you guessing. Anyone who knows me well knows how much I love a good mystery that keeps me guessing.

Can't say more than I love this story and I wish you the best of luck with it! Keep writing for sure, you got a real talent for it! :)

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Intriguing Start

Although there isn't much with only one chapter I can see that it is a promising start. The story starts by diving right into the action, which is a good way of hooking the readers. There is just enough information to have you want to continue reading but also leave you wondering what is going to happen or what is happening. Therefore, I believe this story can become something really good.

Something that I noticed was the lack of description, however. There is mostly dialogue and a tiny bit of explaining what the characters are doing while saying these things. Although the characters come across well and the base of their relationships come across mostly, there is just this little bit that keeps you from getting emerged into the story. Something you have to keep in mind is that storytelling in the form of writing needs description. The readers can't see what is going on around them, nor what the characters are doing exactly. We rely on our imagination, and many authors forget that when you're writing your story and see the whole thing play in front of you, that is not how the reader will see it if you don't show them. You can't leave the reader guessing what is going on around the dialogue cause it will lead to misunderstanding the setting, ambiance and overall the story you want to get across. A trick that could help you with adding description is to first get down the basic dialogue, like with this first chapter. then, you go back to the start of the chapter and you start to really focus on everything that's going on in the scene. Ask yourself questions like these:

What are the emotions?
What do I want my audience to feel?
Where is this taking place exactly?
How does the character react to the other character's action?

Try to keep these in mind while describing what is going on and things would start to make more sense for the reader. This will make the chapter longer, for one, but also make it possible for the reader to get really sucked into the story and feel like they are in the same room as the characters.

I really think you're on the right track here. The dialogue that you've written was clear and the story did come across and was very intriguing. I'm personally not so much into the whole werewolf/alpha thing if I'm being honest, but this one seems promising. It is far from being cliche from what I've read in the first chapter, which is always a plus on my part. (Don't get me wrong, cliche can be fun at times) But overall, I think this is a story worth reading, especially once it has some more chapters out and the story is set into motion.

Thank you for the time you took to write it. I wish you the best of luck on your journey with this story ;)

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I'll be Damned

This story really is something else. It starts out in the middle of action and you're sucked right into the battle between these aliens and the humans. I found it surprising and interesting how this story was written. I usually don't read much of this genre but was still very much intrigued with this story. It's very well written and although a bit out of my comfort zone very enjoyable. I do still have a few questions when it comes to the plot, but that is simply because the story is only a few chapters in.

One thing that bothered me was that some dialogue was written in full caps. This was done when a person or puwandese was shouting. Using all caps is rather distracting since it disturbs the flow of the story. I would advise you to use only exclamation marks to make clear the person is shouting.

Also, I noticed that there were switches made from first the human ship, then the alien ship, and then back to the human ship. I found this a bit confusing as there wasn't a clear break between text that implied a change in settings. Perhaps you could think about adding these since it would make the switch clearer and better to follow.

Other than that the story is really a great one and deserves loads of love. I really like how the puwandese had their own way of talking which was still somewhat English and therefore could be followed even when written strangely. It is a very good use of the fact that our brains tries to match existing words to what seems hard to read. Even if the text was written in numbers one would still be able to read it because our brains are smart enough the connect these two things. sure, it takes a little more time but it's no rocket science. I thought that was very clever and well thought of.

So, overall, I really like this story. Even if it is not something I would usually read I enjoyed the few chapters I read. It's a promising concept which much potential. Although the story isn't all that clear to me, I'm curious to see what will become of the Captain and her crew. Keep up the good work!

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Unique Concept

I really liked the concept of the story, the blurb had me hooked and interested in where this story would go. Story wise it has a lot of potential and can certainly turn into a very unique novel if written with much passion, which I do believe the author has.

There were some issues that I came across that made me lose the interest soon on. Please take this as constructive criticism as I truly want to help you improve. The way it was written was rushed, there were some tense switches throughout the chapter (which I am also guilty of by mistake sometimes, it's a tricky thing) and I had serious issues with the lack of description.

Lack of description and having the feeling of a story being rushed can go together, so let's start with that. There were many one sentence actions. It was like reading, "then this happened, then that, now this, now that..." which doesn't read comfortably. This can be helped if more description is added and actual emotion is added to the scenes. The first chapter starts with Grace waking up, how do we know? Because we are told this. What we aren't told (or rather, shown) is where Grace's parents are in this scene. We see them talk, but where are their voices coming from? are they already downstairs? are they in her room? there is no way we can know unless we are told/shown.

Example:
"Happy Birthday sweetheart!!" "Thank Mom!" "Your dad and I got you something...."

What I (personally) would have written:
"Happy Birthday, sweetheart," my mom said gently as she sat down next to me on my bed, her weight causing the mattress to sink.

Sleepily, I rubbed by eyes, blinking at her with a soft smile. "Thanks Mom."

Mom patted my shoulder. "Your dad and I got something for you." She winked, standing again with an excited look in her eyes, the barely visible wrinkles around her eyes deepening as she smiled.

The smallest amount of description can help with getting the feeling of the scene across, the feeling of the characters, a bit about their surroundings, an idea of their relationships and their person in general. Things can very easily feel unrelatable when there isn't much to relate to, which can lead to losing interest. The feeling I got from what you wrote was that Grace was wide awake and very excited, while a few sentences later it says she just woke up. I don't believe anyone is that excited if they were just woken up by their parents, but I could be wrong?

Then with the tenses, once you start writing a story you have to be clear if you want to use past or present. If you switch throughout the story it can be distracting and lose the readers mid-sentence. I know it is hard and I still struggle with it if I don't pay attention to what I write. But the best way is to set for yourself the tense, then once the chapter or parts you've written is done you go over it to check whether you've made any tense mistakes.

I think that's all I have to say. I wish you the best of luck with writing. Being a perfect writer doesn't come naturally, you have to practice and learn. I've been writing for almost 3 years now and I am still improving every day. As long as you have patience and practice a lot, ask feedback and try your best you will get there eventually. I can see you really want to improve as you already improved the prologue once you got some feedback on it, which is very good.

I hope I helped you with this on your journey to better your skill. Again, I wish you the best of luck. You certainly have the imagination to come up with the right kind of stories, so don't worry about that. If my first story was as creative and unique as this one I would have been just as excited as you seem to be to write it. Keep on writing, never give up and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are a special gem, be strong and shine your light brightly. You're worth to be seen.

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Fun read

I found the story very enjoyable. I liked the concept of the story very much and how were left in as much mystery as the characters themselves. Which I am a big fan of :D The story certainly has a lot of potential.

Some things that bothered me though, were that the story's pace was rather fast. One scene had barely ended and another would already start with a whole different air and feeling to it. it was hard to keep up with these switch sometimes.

Some moments were very well described and very detailed while others lacked such description. A noticeable example of which is at the beginning of chapter 5 where Mae wakes up in a bed in an unfamiliar room . The room is described very detailed which makes you believe it has some importance or we'll come here more often while in reality she leaves and never comes back there, which makes the description rather unneeded. At moment like those the author could have said "The room was large, filled with furniture more expensive looking than my house. There was even a chandelier hanging from the ceiling." This would have gotten the point across that the room was fancy and expensive without losing too much of the story.

That kind of description could have been added throughout the meeting, explosion, in the woods and when Mae was brought to her home. I found these very lacking of any description, and although it is true that not too much is needed here either, it just went by too fast to make much of an impact. One moment she was talking with Rolan, the next he was agree and walked away and just within a second someone approached her to take her home. How could Rolan have done this so fast? With that whole explosion going on how could that even be arranged that fast? And I don't really believe Rolan would have time to play with Mae as much if he was the Alpha and suddenly there was an explosion in that building/home(?)

Rolan's expressions also change rather fast? like one moment he as an 'arrogant asshole' and the next he is suddenly very worried about her, too worried. Sure, he can be worried but if at first he is teasing her and shielding his emotions from her that wouldn't change that fast. he would try to hide it, as Alpha he should know how his emotions can be used against him and how to hide them properly. It just doesn't add up in my opinion.

(Also, never use all caps to show that a character is shouting, a simple exclamation point should be enough.)

Anyways, I did enjoy the plot of the story and again, I do belief it has great potential, the base for a great story and unique twists is there, it's only the layout that needs work, but that is alright, we all start somewhere and we all learn on the way ;) I'm looking forward to see where the author takes this story. All of the above is my personal opinion which I only mean to share in a ways to help the author better themselves :)

Take care and keep up writing, you're doing great so far.

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Very enjoyable

I really enjoy this story. The characters are thought out and relatable. It starts out nice and slow, giving you a good look into the life of the main character, who she is and who the people around her are. What is important to her and what her dreams are, it's nice to get a clear view of the independent main character on its own before the whole romance part is introduced. I really enjoyed that about this story, how it wasn't just like 'oh romance! oh let's give it some drama! oh here come angst!' the story had real depth and meaning and is really thought through.

My only advise to the author is related to the style the story is written in. The story seemed to flow a little too fast at certain moments. I had some difficulty in getting into the mood of the story at times because of the fast flow. emotional scenes seemed to just skip by which is a real shame. In the style that the story is written there is a lot of talking without much description between the conversations. this is a factor that I noticed that will make it seem like emotional moment skip by too easily. Body language is one of the most important parts of a conversation. It shows what the character feel throughout the scene. Is she uncomfortable? is she just shrugging it off? does it hurt her to think about it? to tell it? what kind of impact does her words have on herself and the person she is telling it to? Those were the things I personally missed.

If the author would like for me to give an example of how this can be done I would be happy to help, I would love to see this story rise and become one of the best. It has such a different approach and so much potential. Please do know that the criticism I give is to help you (the author) grow in your writing as I do believe this story deserves a chance to shine and become a hit.

Keep up the amazing writing! Love the story, love the idea of the story, love the characters, their struggles and their realness. I definitely recommend this book to anyone! Thank you for taking the time to write this story and sharing it with us!!

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Extraordinary

I really love the slow pace of this story and the story line in general. Most stories rush through the beginning and get to the romance part as that is the part they are most excited to write. There is nothing wrong with that, it's just nice to see a story that takes it's time to get to know the main character, to understand her and her troubles and really feel what she is going through. It gives the story so much more depth.

The writing and description is also perfect. You really get the feeling as if you're looking through her eyes. You feel her pain, see her struggles, and most importantly, you can admire her strength. The story has only two chapters, yet you're hooked at the first paragraph. This story is so well written it comes to life before your eyes. Not a single moment can be considered dull.

Overall, this story has great potential and I cant wait to see where the author is going to take it. So yes, I highly recommend this story to anyone who loves not only romance but also deep going characters and a story that is more than just the boy and girl falling in love.

And to the author, keep it up, you're amazing!

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Very Interesting, definitely worth it

I really like this, the story is very original and has loads of mystery which I am a big fan of. I don't believe I've ever come across a story like this, and it's really interesting and makes me curious to read on.

There is only one thing that bothers me a bit while reading. The chapters are quite long and the switch from one scene to the other is sometimes confusing. There is enough content to be put into multiple chapters and enough scenes. It could be just me but I'd rather read chapters that are around 2k - 3k words, this is because I am not a fast reader and if I come across a story with very long chapters I'd rather not read it (though the blurb got me hooked to this one and I couldn't refuse) as halfway through the first chapter it might have lost the intensity, if that makes sense?

Part of the point of having chapters is to end it with perhaps a cliffhanger (which you did, very well done I must say) or an intense end that makes you eager to read on and not being able to wait for the next chapter. Halfway through the first chapter I had noticed points where this could have been done, and if this were the case, the step to the next scene/situation may not have been as confusing. Achilles could have easily been introduced in chapter 2 or even 3 as I had the idea the first chapter was mainly to introduce Victoria and her powers and her relationships. But that is just my personal opinion.

Overall, I really like the story and where it is going, it's definitely worth a shot if you're looking for something mysterious and new. The story is really thought through and I can tell the author has put a lot of time into this story so far and I applause them for it as the details are what differs one story from the other.

So, keep up the good work, I'm looking forward to seeing more!

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My Perfect Idiot

To be fair, I was warned beforehand that this story would be cliché, and because it is meant to be a cliché romance I'll let some things slide. I like the idea of the story, and like I said before, the cover. a good cover is really important. I see what you wanted to achieve with the main character, a girl who isn't weak and won't back down, and that is something I appreciate in any kind of novel.

Though cliché, I got a few problems with this story. This could be just something personal for me, but I'd still like to share my opinion on certain things. As I said, I really like the idea of the strong female protagonist, but I feel like you went a little overboard with it. Rather than coming across as strong, sassy and her own person, Rachel comes across as pretentious, full of herself and arrogant.

Believe me, no one cares if there is a new girl. Not even in a rich kid school. There might be a few people who look up on the first day, but that's it. No one cares that much, no matter what high-school-based books or movies tell you. Because this is so over-exaggerated in the story it comes across as if Rachel is thinking higher of herself then she is. This might not be the case if the story was in third person, but since it is in first person we see everything from her perspective, meaning that if she constantly comments on how people are looking at her, it means she is constantly paying attention to the people around her to see what they think or what they do.

The few parts that were meant to show that she is humble despite being brought up in a rich family is what makes her come across pretentious. She can't be coming across one way through her thoughts and actions and then throw in a line like 'but really I'm not anything like that' to make her relatable. She either is one way or another. Of course, you can have a girl with a tough exterior and a softer, insecure inside, but you gotta write it like that. Her thoughts are the most important part of her character. If she is only talking about how other people do this or other people do that, how can we truly get to know her? It also makes her pretty judgemental.

I get what you're trying to do, but this isn't how it's done. Maybe some people will think otherwise, the ones who enjoy these kinds of characters, but if you want to attract a more serious audience then considering fleshing out your characters a bit more is a good start. Characters drive the story, and if I'm already annoyed by the main character in the first chapter I'm not going to enjoy the book.

You wanted to know what I thought of the characters and if I felt a connection with any, and if I'm being truly honest, I felt a connection with none. They felt typical to me, and especially how Rachel described them kept me distant.

I also had a hard time getting into the story in general. I couldn't see the drive that the story was meant to have. There was no clear plot or conflict for a bigger part of the beginning that kept me turning the page. Keeping your readers invested means that every chapter should end with something that makes them turn the page, and that is what I missed. Especially at the beginning where it is essential to hook the reader.

Try asking yourself:

Why should my readers care about these characters?

Why should they care about what is happening?

Even in cliché, there has to be something interesting that keeps the reader, well, reading. I'm not sure if you have written/read fanfiction before, but that is what this story felt like to me. That isn't necessarily bad, but you got to consider that fanfiction is based off a plot/loved characters. The reason someone would want to read fanfiction, even if nothing really happens, is because they want to see more of the characters they have already fallen in love with. In this case, we don't know the characters, and if we are given no clear reason on why we should fall in love with them then interest will waver rather fast.

I really don't mean to discourage you with this review. I just hope that my insight and my 4 years of writing experience can help you better your own. You're on the right path when it comes to writing a story. You gotta start, and you gotta put yourself out there. You have to have the determination to write a story from beginning till the end, and I can see you have that. That is more than many authors have these days, so I have no doubt that you'll make it if you truly wish to.

All I've said in this review is simply my opinion and what I've learned to work better. Whether you do anything with it is your choice, but I hope you at least keep it in mind while writing more. Not in a way that discourages you to write, but perhaps some sort of guideline. Something that will help you look more critically at your own writing and help you produce the best you can.

Anyways, I wish you the best of luck in your writing journey. You got the will and determination that a writer needs to get better and become one of the best, don't forget that. Keep on writing and don't let anyone keep you from creating what you love. :)

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Mysteriously Amazing Story

I really enjoyed reading this story, and although it wasn't on my reviewing list I felt like I had to leave a review either way. As a big fan of mystery and romance, this was an absolute delight to read. I truly enjoyed reading this story and that little creepiness that was added in between the mystery. Just a bit more unsettling than you would expect. Really, a great piece of writing and I can't wait for the next update.

However, as amazing as this story is so far, I'd like to explain why I rated the writing style 3 stars instead of 5. Though I loved the story, there was a bit of storytelling that seemed to lack. The description was well done and immersive, the characters were interesting and understandable, yet I couldn't fully get into the story whenever I read it.

Now, let me explain why I personally believe this is the case. Although the story doesn't lack well-done descriptions, what it does are the elements that show a story rather than tell. In my experience, the story was mostly told. It was as if someone was narrating what was going on. The constant switch in point of view didn't help much either (I'll get to that later).

For example, whenever Sarah's full name was used instead of just her name or 'she' or 'her'. In sentences like 'And that is when Sarah Evers realized...' it sounds really distant. A lot of descriptions that would usually allow for the reader to walk along the character was also written in a narrative voice. Many times when talking about feelings or emotions I couldn't feel them, couldn't connect with them. I felt like I was told what to feel because the character was feeling it, and I'd prefer to feel it because I'm too immersed to think otherwise.

What also kept me from really getting into the story was that there was no clear POV, and when there was, there would be a little paragraph of someone else's thoughts and the spell would be broken. Even in third person, you still got to keep to one person at a time. If we are following Sarah and her thoughts, we don't know what Edward is thinking, we can't possibly know because Sarah doesn't know. If you want to switch to Edward's POV that is of course allowed, with either the start of a new chapter or chapter break, but that means we do NOT know what Sarah is thinking at that exact same time unless the scene is repeated in her POV, but again, after either a chapter break or at the start of a new chapter.

Think of it like this; everyone is their own person, and unless they have the ability to read someone else's mind, they can't possibly know or hear the other's thoughts. In the little paragraph where we get a small glimpse of what Edward is thinking, while really we are following Sarah's experience, we get information that Sarah doesn't know and doesn't act upon. So what does it really add at that moment? It only gets more confusing than clear. Rather than putting in that little paragraph, you could have given Edward his own POV, explaining what he thought when he saw her, his excitement when she was all he remembered, and we get to know him in a much more personal way than that a single slipped-in-between-paragraph could ever explain.

I hope this is helpful to you, and I mean in no way to discourage you. These are the things that I noticed while reading and what I think you could improve on. The story overall is amazing and I really like the plot, characters and everything else about it. I was just a little sad that I couldn't really get into it as much as I wanted, and I hope this helps you grow as a writer. Whether you do something with it or not is up to you, but in any case, I hope you continue on writing. This story can become so great, I truly believe that, and I wish you all the luck in the world with it.

Keep up the writing and never stop being amazing!
Can't wait for the next update!

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Great base with potential

First off, I'm sorry it took me so long to review, but here I am! From the few chapters that are up, you get a pretty clear picture of what the story is about and what it promises. I like the concept of the story a lot, I've actually been thinking of writing a story for a similar idea, with a contest to decide the next ruler and such. (tho that story won't be coming anytime soon, not until I finish one of my current stories) It's really interesting to see how someone with a similar concept can still turn it into something so different. So yeah, it was an interesting read for sure.

Now, there are a few things I personally think you could improve on. From what I've read of other reviews they mention the pacing often, and although it has already been said, I'd still like to give my thoughts on it. The pacing is rather fast, but I know a few tricks that might help you out showing it. Whenever you write a scene, don't try to tell what is going on as if it was depicted in a movie or tv show. Instead, try really picturing the entire scene you are writing at that moment before moving on to the next scene. What is happening? Where are the characters? What is important? What does this scene accomplish? Why is this scene being told? If you got that down and really focus on the individual scenes instead of the bigger picture of the chapter, you'll find yourself writing more about that scene and therefore making it less rushed.

As for how to know which scenes are separate from each other, that's easy too once you understand it. The obvious ones you already know: whenever there is a large time jump, location jump and/or POV switch. However, scene changes can take place within the same location, time and/or POV. For example, in the first chapter, all the candidates are brought to the castle. Even if the castle is close by, even if we are still in the same POV, even if we're only 5 minutes separated from the previous event, it is still a scene change. The way it is written handles it as if it's not, which is the reason it feels rushed. The first scene, with all the people gathered and the names being called out, it should be focussed on more intently.

For example; William zones out as the King talks, but not a few seconds later he explains everything again but this time William does listen. For someone who believes he is about to die it isn't likely he would zone out while the king explains what exactly will be happening. What would be more logical is for the king to explain everything in the first scene. William gets nervous, the crowd feels too tight, his hands start to sweat and the realization starts to dawn on him with each passing moment. He's praying that it's all a dream when he hears his name being called out. This scene could be a very good way to deepen the connection with the character. You could really get into the emotions of the character, what do they value most on life? Why is he so sure he was going to die? Why is he so afraid to die in the first place? This scene has a totally different meaning and importance than when they are brought to the castle. The chapter could end just there when his name was called out and it all is just over in his mind.

Then, when the next chapter and scene start we are in the castle. Although pretty, William can't admire it fully with the lump that remained in his throat. The king repeats once again what this Quest is, though this time with more detail and they continue from there.

I hope this explains clear enough what I mean with focussing on scenes.

Something else I wasn't too fond of what Eleanor. What I think you wanted to achieve with her was a strong, confident and sassy girl, but if I'm being honest all I saw was a bratty, spoiled princess who thinks she's better than everyone. If that's what you were going for then great, but I really disliked her from the start. A character like her is hard to write, and if done wrong, easy to dislike. Her thoughts sounded a little arrogant, too, in my opinion. There is a difference between a strong sassy girl and a witty young woman with strength. What I personally would do, if I were to write a character like her, is keep her quieter, more observing and not jumping at every occasion to make herself look better or special. When William runs to the kitchen, have her let him, and when he figures out it is the wrong way and accusing her of not stopping him sooner, have her say something along the lines of "You looked so sure, I wasn't about to shatter your ego from the beginning." Though, don't have her say it with a smug grin or tone, make it as if she was seriously concerned she would hurt him like that when she says it, only to grin mischievously afterward. Personally, I believe that would make her a bit more interesting. She doesn't care if they win, so why wouldn't she play him a bit, have some fun herself? Those were only my thoughts on Eleanor, do whatever you want with it, it's still your story ;)

Little side note; I was a bit confused at the beginning. So, William and all the other people are poor and food is scarce and so is money. And yet, William had enough to buy an extra third whole bread he gives to strangers, his mom (by the sound of it) occasionally bakes cookies and gives some of them to the neighbor without hesitation, but he still has to become king if he were to keep his family from starving. If you ask me, his family is pretty well off, and if his family was still starving, perhaps they should stop feeding strangers (as crude as it may sound). Just saying.

So yeah, those are most of the things I've noticed while reading this story. Do whatever you want with this review, but I sincerely hope you can find use in my commentary. The story certainly is an interesting concept to watch unfold, and I truly believe in the Author to make that happen. The base is there, the ideas and the imagination, it's all there. All the Author needs now is a bit more practice to make perfect, but honestly, don't we all? I'm sure this author will make it someday if they were dedicated enough and kept on practicing and writing. Writing is a skill of time and patience, practice and killing your darlings. If you keep that up I have no doubt in my mind you'll make it ;)

So keep writing and never give up!

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The Monk

Okay, so although the story is only one chapter long it took me a while to finally do this review. I wasn't sure what to say in the review, but I think I got it now. The story is interesting and the concept certainly unique. The fact that it is a short story is intriguing, something you can just read in one sitting when you don't feel like starting a whole new book but still want to take your mind of things. Short stories have become underrated recently, so I'm glad to see there are still some out there.

In all honesty, I didn't enjoy reading this story. It wasn't because the story was bad or boring or I didn't like the plot, cause I do believe this story has all the elements it needs to be great. The real reason why I didn't enjoy the reading experience was because it was hard to get through. Most of the sentences and just whole paragraphs were hard to follow and right from the start it didn't feel like I was reading the story I was promised. Short stories are meant to hook the person from the beginning till the end, they have to tell a complete story in a single chapter, which is hard. You have to introduce the world, characters, give the reader reasons why they should care about these people without really knowing who they are, and I just wasn't able to get into it with how it was told here.

The dialogue was pretty forced and seemed unrealistic to me, it was just done so over the top that it felt awkward to read, for me personally. When you write dialogue, try saying it out loud for yourself and you'll see for yourself if it feels natural or not. As for the writing style, I too fond of that. Like I said before, it was hard to follow with many long sentences that at the end lost their point. Try using a mixture of short and long sentences to get the point across better.

All in all, I do believe this story has potential, but I suggest it to be rewritten or heavily edited. There are a lot of mistakes that break the flow and therefor need to be looked at. Something I learned recently was that stories or chapters that start in a moment of action often have a better way of hooking the reader. So what I would suggest is that the author skips the intro for the most part and just dives straight into the important parts of the story. Having a info dump in the beginning of a short story is for the most part unnecessary since it is information that can easily be given within the story in certain events, making it less of an info dump and more part of the actual story. Characters should be introduced through their actions, showing who they are by describing what they do and value in certain scenes. Telling us head on who who is and what they do and why takes away most of the mystery until there isn't much reason left for the reader to keep on reading. They know everything already, making it easy to predict what is going to happen, while in reality you want them to be in constant wonder of what and how and why.

The base is there and so is the plot and characters, all that it's need is a different approach. Spelling mistakes can be overlooked, the occasional misused word as well, but having the story be written as an info dump will scare away readers. Of course, this is just my opinion on it and what you do with it is completely up to you. I am in no way trying to discourage you from writing, instead I'm trying to encourage you to keep on trying and experimenting with the options you have and become better. I wish you the best on this path and I hope keep on writing :)

(PS. just a personal pet peeve, I hate it when people overuse exclamation points. I felt like mentioning it, but didn't want to include it within the review itself since it is a personal pet peeve and most people probably wouldn't be bothered by it.)

Good luck!

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Absolutely Amazing

When I first started reading this story I knew that this was different from what I've read before. It was a bit slow-paced at the beginning with no clear plot beside Sunny and Richie dancing around each other. Then, the first bomb hits and we are suddenly introduced to the dangers. It only gets intenser from there. I enjoyed the slow-paced plot. It gave you the time to get what was going on, who the characters were and why they were important. It also showed how there were peaceful and 'normal' moments, and what those moments looked like. it gave the hectic events that follow that much intenser and understandable why even in that environment what was to come was in no way easy to handle.

It did feel like there was no bigger plot in the whole story, I personally thought the story mostly consisted of smaller plots which added up nicely to each other, but I was missing a bigger picture. These events could have been portrayed as just her life. We could have started when Sunny was younger and explored the trauma that was left by her sister dying and her mother leaving and it would have been just as enjoyable. What I'm trying to say is that, yes, the story is very interesting and fun to read, but the character(s) aren't working towards a goal or to defeat the (for example) big evil. It's almost as 'a day in a life' story. It's just something I felt was missing. Like, the ending wouldn't be satisfying cause technically the story could still be going on.

But like I said, besides missing the bigger plot, the story is still very interesting and the events that happen sure are twists that are not what you expect. They all add up very nicely to each other and it all makes sense. The writing style is very easy to read and follow. I personally didn't like that 'babe' and 'baby' was used a lot, but that is a personal pet peeve and very understandable why people in that environment would use those pet names often. Just felt like mentioning it, don't have to do anything with that information besides be proud of yourself for getting me to the last chapter despite it ;)

Honestly, I was shocked by Tommy's actions, though I expected it after the first time he said she was his 'property'. That is a big red flag and I was surprised Tommy thought like that. I immediately disliked him after that moment. Before he was an interesting addition to Sunny's life, having him come back right when things started to develop with Richie. However, somehow, before he did what he did to her (trying not to spoiler too much for those who read the reviews before the story) I couldn't hate him. There was something about him, I can't really put my finger on it, but I can't help but be in denial of how it ended with him. I can understand Sunny and her feelings towards him even after everything.

As for Sunny and Richie, I loved Richie the moment he was introduced, and Sunny is simply said amazing. She is strong and during her journey, you can really feel with her. You feel her pain, her struggle. you know you would probably have done the same or broken even sooner. I can't help but respect her for how she handles her shit. Truly an amazing character. The poor thing deserves a break, but I'm sure she will overcome this next struggle and will do amazing. I believe in my strong girl.

I usually don't go that much into depth when it comes to characters, but yours have really left an impact on me. they were simply that well written. Overall, the story is a piece of art, definitely worth reading. It's full of twists and turns and couldn't be done better by anyone but this very author. Keep on writing!

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Interesting

To start off, this story has an interesting concept, though I'm not quite sure what the plot is about. The pacing was very fast and there wasn't much context. The first chapter was a bit of a pain to read through because of the grammatical errors and spaces between punctuations. However, this was mostly resolved in the second chapter, which immediately made it a much smoother read, but I still didn't have the feeling of an easy read. The sentences didn't flow nicely after one another and the dialogue seemed rushed. Most of the story was told instead of show, which also resolved into rather short chapters where a lot happens but without much context.

The story does have only two chapters, therefore it could still go in any direction. Though, I found that the beginning wasn't very gripping. This could be because of the rush in both chapters or the lack of description and context. The most important part about storytelling is taking a hold of the reader's thoughts and not letting go. As a writer you need to be aware of what you write and how gripping it is.

To give an example, this story had description and moments where more context is given, but it is done in a way where it doesn't add much to the story. One can not write a story by starting right in the middle and moment of action. There has to be a build up, a moment where we learn where we are, what is going on and who the main character we are following is and what is important to them. We don't learn this by having it told right to our faces, we learn this by subtle moments, encounters with others, conversations and train of thoughts throughout the entire story. There needs to be a balance between what we learn about this new word and the story itself. A story can't excist without context, but neither can context be of any worth without a story.

The main character of this story narrates her own story and she literally tells what is happening, this usually doesn't go well. There is a reason why a story is written by an author and not by the main character. If it were to be a narrated story with pictures or film there would be no problem, but we have no pictures or video to help us picture what is going on. That's where the author comes in with showing the readers what is happening, that's where the magic happens. It's all about description, buildup, suspence, questions and answers. Show the world through the words you've written. After writing, try stepping away for a second and re-read what you've written as a reader. Try to imagine the scenes you've written in a different way from what you've previously imagined them. If you can with the help of just your text then so will your readers, if not, nor will your readers.

Writing is a hard and difficult practice that can not be mastered in one night. It takes time, practice, patience and research. You learn by trying and readig what others have written. Asking for feedback and using it to improve is also an important part. I'd like to say to the author that they have still a long way to go, but they are on the right path. Keep going and learn as much as you can. Write your story as best as you can and over time you will see yourself improve. Never stop writing, never stop trying and never stop reading.

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In love with this world

So, to begin, I loved the world and the setting the story was set in. I loved the way it was depicted and the overall ambiance of it.

The prologue is very captivating and makes you curious for more. I really liked that about it. The first chapter is very interesting as well, showing a bit of the world and Khyber's role in it. It explains a bit of what is going on but just not enough to satisfy your curiosity, which makes you read on and on and on until you finally get the answer you seek for.

Though, I thought that the flow of the story wasn't that pleasant to read at times. The missing commas plus how the sentences were formulated didn't appeal to me much. I had to think too much about what exactly was happening to really get into the story. Many words were also overused, like 'highway' and 'green plants'. This also caused for the story to lose its flow. Reading it through should solve this mistakes, tho.

Overall I can see potential in this story. it certainly had its attractive and unique qualities that each success novel needs. Now it's all up to the author how they want it to turn out. I wish you the best of luck, keep writing this excellent story of yours and show the world that there is no boundaries when it comes to the human mind!

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Very Interesting and Different!

This is such an interesting one-shot. I really liked it! I really like how it is written, the overall feeling of the story was very nice. I really felt like I was in that time with them, I could see Belfrontes shift from hero to madman, how he lost his morals over time, how the thrill of killing overwhelmed him until it became him. Very, very well done.

Like with the other story I read of you I have to say that I really like your style of storytelling. The way you tell your story is intriguing and fresh, not many authors write in such a style anymore. I personally really like it and I definitely encourage you to continue with this style and practice it more and more. It really suits the settings you write and the whole theme and atmosphere that you try to set. Totally love it.

There were a few things that didn't sit well with me, though. I found that some parts went by rather rushed. They went by with a blink of the eye, perhaps you could take a look at that?

There were some mistakes in the spelling too, but it are just those a quick read through could fix, nothing too major. Oh, and a few sentences weren't complete, just so you know.

Also, when Belfrontes enters the cave the maiden immediately starts to cry at his feet. She isn't shocked to see him, she doesn't question him first, get's angry, takes a defensive stand before the dragon, she just... throws herself in front of him and begs and cries. Then without much of a fight she just says 'okay but at least let me take his blood.' Idk, it bothers me a bit how quickly she gives in.

Anyways, that is just my personal opinion. I did like how she got her revenge, how she finally freed herself and her kids in the end. It definitely has potential and it's a great storyline. If you finetune it you can perhaps enter it in a few short story writing contest.

You seriously have so much talent and I just love the stories you come up with and the style you write them in. It just all seems to fit together perfectly, from start to finish it keeps your interest and keeps you wanting only more.

I hope you never stop writing! Keep it up and share your passion, it is a wonderful gift you have!

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Interesting read

Overall I thought the story was very interesting. The plot is very different from most reads and has its own unique twists throughout the story. It is very compelling and has you at the edge of your seat at the end of each chapter, wanting only to find out what will happen next to this unusual family. The characters are very well developed and thought through, though I have to admit I never have and never will like Ann and Jack.

What I've noticed about the author's writing style that bothered me for most of the story was how it was written very monotonous. Most of the time we were told what was happening, with which I mean that we weren't shown what was being said, nor certain in between scenes. There are huge skips when it comes to the character moving from place to place, which isn't always a problem, but here it was happening so often in one paragraph that it was like the story was speeding by. It would feel like: "then this happened, and then that, then this and that," which in my opinion is not very pleasant to read. I also found the parts where people were described telling things to the characters instead of having them exactly tell what they were saying (if that makes sense?) rather annoying. At those moments I couldn't fully connect with the characters as they were all just one sum of what was happening. How did Dylan feel exactly at that moment? How did Ann really react? things like that. Did they flinch? Did they take a step back? Did they take a sharp intake of air? I wouldn't know, nor should I be left guessing. Body language is just as important as saying someone is angry or sad or saying something. Emotions are in more control of our body than most people think. Try to use that to your advantage.

The flow of the story wasn't too pleasant either, like I said before, some scenes seemed to be speeding way too much. Also, as someone who's native language isn't English, I thought that it was a bit of a hard read as many word used were too difficult and long, not to mention unneeded, and didn't fit the scene nor the tone of the story. Big words are great, sure, it can up the level of your readers, but don't overuse them. Where a simple word can be used to form a better sentence than do so, it won't make you look any less of a great writer if you write simplistic. At the end of the day it is about the story, not how many big words that are in it.

However, the story is definitely worth checking out. It's very different from what I usually read and will surely surprise you with its twists and turns, not to mention the intriguing characters. I'd recommend this story to anyone looking for some drama, suspense and a story with depth. To the author I say; keep going, keep writing and don't let anyone stop you from doing what you love. Tell the stories you desperately want to be told, and write the desires of your heart out.

I hope you found this helpful. :)

Good luck!

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Great Story

So, first off, I really like the concept of this story. The idea of a game where a hot guy dares you to make him fall for you before you do yourself is intriguing and quite unique. It was what attracted me to the story. The beginning looked promising, with the character being introduced and their settings, so great job on that.

What was quite a turn off for me was the constant switch between tenses in the story. Yes, tenses are difficult, I still struggle with them myself, but it is helpful if you know in which tense you want to write the story, and than stick to that. These switches make it sometimes difficult to read and take away the smoothness that should flow with each sentence. It's okay to be struggling with this, taking the time to look it over once or twice should help as well, or let someone else look it over. Most noticeable mistakes will be taken out this way and the sentences will flow smoother which makes the story easier to read.

Something else I had trouble with were the characters. Yes, they were all different, but there wasn't a direct depth to them that caught my attention. I couldn't really find a connection with them. I know this is difficult but it's worth to keep in the back of your mind when writing. Things that make characters more relatable are the little quirks and the way they react to certain situations. Just because she isn't like most girls and doesn't understand why they act that way doesn't immediately make her special. Tell me why she loves the sea, how the soothing waves calm her heated skin from the sun, tell me how Drew's posture is on the rather attractive side, even tho she would never admit it to him or herself, and makes her cheeks heat slightly when he is close, tell me how his skin is soft or rough against her own. tell me how the alcohol brings her back to her previous life, how her head feels heavy at the mere thought, her hands slightly begin to shake as the overwhelming rush passes through her, tell me how his skin is warm under her fingertips, how there is more to that handsome face and body, because I couldn't find a spark of attractiveness other than he was described that way. It's all about the details that add to the character; what is he/she feeling? How would he/she react?

I hope this will help you in developing this story. I truly believe it's a great story you've got going, there is just some more work that needs to go into it. These are all things you will learn the more you start writing and achieve with practice. I'm pointing it out since this used to be something I struggled with too, and from time to time still do. I think it's easier to improve if you know what you should work on.

So, all in all, this story had great potential, definitely original and something worth checking out. Good luck on this story, I know this will turn out perfect one day!

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Really something else!

For what I've read so far I've found the story really interesting. I really like how the story is being told, as if it was written in a journal or a collection of letters. It's a nice way of changing things up as most stories are written in a more well known style, it's quite a risk as not many stories are written like this (compared to what I've read so far that is), so yeah I really like the originality of the story and its style. It definitely adds a certain feel to it.

A thing that I also noticed is that the story seemed to be written in a rush. In overall this is not too much of a bother while reading but might take away some of the impact. What it also tells me is that the author is really excited and has many ideas when it comes to this and wants to share it as soon as it's written down., which is not a bad thing. I love to see authors who are excited about their ideas :) A tip that might help the author is to write either slower, make sure to get the sentence right, or if your head is just too full and you need it down in one go to proof read it at least once before posting it.

In general I'm really curious to see where this story is going and what Fiona's goal is; does she really only want to help others while also satisfying her slight killing addiction or does it has a deeper meaning? Is there a certain trauma that caused her to start thinking about killing in the first place or....? I have so many questions and I'm excited to discover the answers as the story grows!

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