Cynthia Monica

I'm a Mystery writer with a guilty pleasure for Romance. Beside writing I also draw a lot, both traditional and digitally. Follow me on Instagram for story related content: @cynthiamonicawriting

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Just.... Wow

I am totally in love with the setting of this story. I love the way it's written, how you really feel like one of the people in the crowd, staring up at the three men who stood there with such power. I'm also already in love with Demeter, his heart is in the right place, I have no doubts about that. I don't like Odium tho, just saying. He seemed to have a stick up his ass the entire time. I really like how you've made these characters and how you showed so much of them in such a interesting way, and that in the first chapter! Amazing.

I've only noticed a few errors that a quick read through could easily fix, nothing too mayor that disturbed my reading experience ;) also, don't be afraid to use 'said' often. It might seem like a word that can easily be overwelmingly used, but this is an exception. Using 'said' or 'say' when someone speaks is obvious, and most of the time I personally (and I think others do too) read over it but it's not like I'm annoyed by the overuse. This way, when something is, for example; yelled, whispered, mumbled, etc. it has a bigger impact on the story, and can be used to give a cleared image of what a character is feeling while saying certain lines. I hope it's clear what I'm trying to say... I'm so bad at explaining sometimes. it all made sense in my head...

Overall I love the beginning of this story. I can already see it has great potential and a definite chance of success. You have all the elements to pull the reader in already set out in the first chapter, I can't imagen how great the second chapter could be, or the next, or the one after that. This story has so much potential, so much room to grow into an epic fantasy novel. Just the way that it is written, the way the story flows, the way the scene is described, how can you not fall in love with a story like this at first sight?

Keep writing, keep being amazing! Good luck on this journey!

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I'll be Damned

This story really is something else. It starts out in the middle of action and you're sucked right into the battle between these aliens and the humans. I found it surprising and interesting how this story was written. I usually don't read much of this genre but was still very much intrigued with this story. It's very well written and although a bit out of my comfort zone very enjoyable. I do still have a few questions when it comes to the plot, but that is simply because the story is only a few chapters in.

One thing that bothered me was that some dialogue was written in full caps. This was done when a person or puwandese was shouting. Using all caps is rather distracting since it disturbs the flow of the story. I would advise you to use only exclamation marks to make clear the person is shouting.

Also, I noticed that there were switches made from first the human ship, then the alien ship, and then back to the human ship. I found this a bit confusing as there wasn't a clear break between text that implied a change in settings. Perhaps you could think about adding these since it would make the switch clearer and better to follow.

Other than that the story is really a great one and deserves loads of love. I really like how the puwandese had their own way of talking which was still somewhat English and therefore could be followed even when written strangely. It is a very good use of the fact that our brains tries to match existing words to what seems hard to read. Even if the text was written in numbers one would still be able to read it because our brains are smart enough the connect these two things. sure, it takes a little more time but it's no rocket science. I thought that was very clever and well thought of.

So, overall, I really like this story. Even if it is not something I would usually read I enjoyed the few chapters I read. It's a promising concept which much potential. Although the story isn't all that clear to me, I'm curious to see what will become of the Captain and her crew. Keep up the good work!

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Can't recommend this enough

Okay, so, to keep it simple, I'm in love. The concept already intrigued me and the more I read the better it got. The story is realistic, while reading you truly feel like you're in an after apocalyptic environment. Every aspect of it is believable and I just love it. (I even dreamt about this story, can you understand that this story truly sparked my interest?)

So, the story. I really like the past and present parts of each chapter. it gives you a better idea of who Halley is and why she makes certain decisions, how her perspective of the world was formed, and what her motives really are. It helps you connect with the character, I really think that it helps the story get across much stronger than if this was all left out. Of course, as a mystery writer, I do see the possibility of suspense, drama and knowing as much as the protagonist, but that is simply the only thing my mystery writing brain can think of doing differently. seeing how you've written this story that wasn't the case for you, and I think that is what separates one author from the other. In other words, I really enjoy how you've written this story so far (I still have to finish it but I just couldn't wait to write you a review, I'm too slow of a reader) and I really love seeing how differently your style is and how that makes the story unique and perfect.

Honestly, your characters are so well built and have real depth which really helps with bonding with them along the way. It feels like you go through that difficult time with them and truly gets to understand how hard and painful such a virus and wipe out can really be. You never think about it, but what if? You've told this story so vividly, it really is inspiring, and it actually inspired me to a better twist in one of my stories (I hope you don't mind, it isn't like I'm stealing your idea, I just thought it would work better than what I had come up with and make more sense. again, I won't rip off your story, if you feel like I did just let me know and I'll change it or credit you for the idea in the comments, it's in my story "Glass and Gold")

Anyways, I have to admit I've never been this invested in an Inkitt story until now. Thank you for sharing your beautiful work with us and I wish you the best of luck and hope you'll one day get published, I'd buy that book in a heartbeat.

♥♥♥♥

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Nice

To start off, I couldn't really find much of a plot yet, but that could be because there were only three chapters. At first I was also put off a bit by the way the story was written, meaning I did not enjoy how there was only talking with little description. everything that happened was literally told by the characters it felt like. I couldn't really get into the story because of this. But, when I came to the third chapter I was relieved to see that the author had added more description.

I found it difficult to really get into the story, like I mentioned before, and really get to know the characters and connect with them. The element were there. The characters seemed to have, even early on in the story, a clear personality. Meaning, they aren't flat. they have goals, morals, conflict, which the author created very nicely. I liked that, there are elements the reader can bond with throughout the story. Why I didn't feel like that happened for me, though, was because how these elements were presented was... too fast? I'm not sure how I should describe it but I'll try. Whenever there was a moment, like the fight Jake and Boris, it was again too much focus on the dialogue like in the first 2 chapters. Because of this the scene just went by in the blink of an eye.

What I'm trying to say is that description is key to truly getting the character across to the reader. Jack was angry, we could tell because he started yelling and left. But what else? Why exactly did he raise his voice, knowing fully well those men were still looking for them. What was the exact point that broke where he didn't care anymore. What was the trigger? This could have been described by saying how his fists clenched, yes, but when did his nails start to dig into his palms? Was his jaw clenching, trying to remain some sense until he broke? When he left, were his shoulders tense, was he stomping, did he slam the door?

And Boris? Did he sigh, sitting back as he rubbed his temples because of his brother's foolish behavior, though knowing Jake would turn back around eventually when he cooled down? Did his eyes widen when he realized he was caught? Did his heart beat pick up?

These are the details that separate one story from the other. To make the reader feel what the character is feeling you have to describe what it is they are feeling.

Also, slow down time when things get intense, like in the fight scene. Apparently, Boris was half dead laying on the ground? Yet a second later he is running to find his brother like nothing happened. Try slowing down in moments like this. Take the time to figure out what is actually happening. fight scenes should be fast or you'll lose the pace, but right after the fight, or once he was thrown to the ground, those could be key elements where we can get another glimpse of who exactly the character is.

Like Boris, form what I read I gather he is a harsh fighter, giving his everything, but that should also take a great toll on him once beaten down. When he was thrown to the ground I don't really care as a reader if he lays there dying. For me, it read like "he was thrown to the ground. Oh! and he was dying, yes he is dying, not because of a wound or anything, he's just dying right there because of the hit." Sometimes literally saying what is happening isn't the best way to describe a scene.

I'll try to give you an example:
In the story:
Suddenly, everyone left as Boris was laying on the floor, dying.

As Boris' shoulders ache and his blood staining his pale yellow skin, he got up determent to escape as he sheathed his dagger, waiting for what comes next.

What I (personally) would have written instead (note, I have a habit of writing in the past tense):
Groaning, Boris lay on the cold, wooden floor. The people around him started to move away, frightened by the scene. Boris coughed, the foul taste of iron on his tongue as blood tainted the pale, yellow skin on his hand. Trying to get up he flinched, his hand going to his side. He bust have broken a rib.

His eyes lifted to the ugly green orc, the tension in his jaw visible. Determent, he pushed himself up, spitting the last bit of blood from his mouth. Though in pain, he stood strong, his dagger in his hand, his gaze on his targets every move.

This is my personal opinion on how I would have written the scene, and how I think it might could have been improved. Whether you think so too or you decide to do something with it is entirely up to you.

I hope I have helped you with the knowledge I have gathered over the last 3 years, and I wish you luck on your journey as a writer. You got the right mindset, great ideas, and of course the will to write and improve. Only by practice will you improve, famous publishing authors aren't born over night. It is a difficult path but daring to share your mind with the world is the first step in becoming the next JK Rowling. Never give up, don't let anyone get you down. I wish you the best of luck, my friend, I truly think your imagination will get you a long way, you definitely have a talent for story writing, don't let it go to waste. ♥

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Unique Concept

I really liked the concept of the story, the blurb had me hooked and interested in where this story would go. Story wise it has a lot of potential and can certainly turn into a very unique novel if written with much passion, which I do believe the author has.

There were some issues that I came across that made me lose the interest soon on. Please take this as constructive criticism as I truly want to help you improve. The way it was written was rushed, there were some tense switches throughout the chapter (which I am also guilty of by mistake sometimes, it's a tricky thing) and I had serious issues with the lack of description.

Lack of description and having the feeling of a story being rushed can go together, so let's start with that. There were many one sentence actions. It was like reading, "then this happened, then that, now this, now that..." which doesn't read comfortably. This can be helped if more description is added and actual emotion is added to the scenes. The first chapter starts with Grace waking up, how do we know? Because we are told this. What we aren't told (or rather, shown) is where Grace's parents are in this scene. We see them talk, but where are their voices coming from? are they already downstairs? are they in her room? there is no way we can know unless we are told/shown.

Example:
"Happy Birthday sweetheart!!" "Thank Mom!" "Your dad and I got you something...."

What I (personally) would have written:
"Happy Birthday, sweetheart," my mom said gently as she sat down next to me on my bed, her weight causing the mattress to sink.

Sleepily, I rubbed by eyes, blinking at her with a soft smile. "Thanks Mom."

Mom patted my shoulder. "Your dad and I got something for you." She winked, standing again with an excited look in her eyes, the barely visible wrinkles around her eyes deepening as she smiled.

The smallest amount of description can help with getting the feeling of the scene across, the feeling of the characters, a bit about their surroundings, an idea of their relationships and their person in general. Things can very easily feel unrelatable when there isn't much to relate to, which can lead to losing interest. The feeling I got from what you wrote was that Grace was wide awake and very excited, while a few sentences later it says she just woke up. I don't believe anyone is that excited if they were just woken up by their parents, but I could be wrong?

Then with the tenses, once you start writing a story you have to be clear if you want to use past or present. If you switch throughout the story it can be distracting and lose the readers mid-sentence. I know it is hard and I still struggle with it if I don't pay attention to what I write. But the best way is to set for yourself the tense, then once the chapter or parts you've written is done you go over it to check whether you've made any tense mistakes.

I think that's all I have to say. I wish you the best of luck with writing. Being a perfect writer doesn't come naturally, you have to practice and learn. I've been writing for almost 3 years now and I am still improving every day. As long as you have patience and practice a lot, ask feedback and try your best you will get there eventually. I can see you really want to improve as you already improved the prologue once you got some feedback on it, which is very good.

I hope I helped you with this on your journey to better your skill. Again, I wish you the best of luck. You certainly have the imagination to come up with the right kind of stories, so don't worry about that. If my first story was as creative and unique as this one I would have been just as excited as you seem to be to write it. Keep on writing, never give up and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are a special gem, be strong and shine your light brightly. You're worth to be seen.

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Fun read

I found the story very enjoyable. I liked the concept of the story very much and how were left in as much mystery as the characters themselves. Which I am a big fan of :D The story certainly has a lot of potential.

Some things that bothered me though, were that the story's pace was rather fast. One scene had barely ended and another would already start with a whole different air and feeling to it. it was hard to keep up with these switch sometimes.

Some moments were very well described and very detailed while others lacked such description. A noticeable example of which is at the beginning of chapter 5 where Mae wakes up in a bed in an unfamiliar room . The room is described very detailed which makes you believe it has some importance or we'll come here more often while in reality she leaves and never comes back there, which makes the description rather unneeded. At moment like those the author could have said "The room was large, filled with furniture more expensive looking than my house. There was even a chandelier hanging from the ceiling." This would have gotten the point across that the room was fancy and expensive without losing too much of the story.

That kind of description could have been added throughout the meeting, explosion, in the woods and when Mae was brought to her home. I found these very lacking of any description, and although it is true that not too much is needed here either, it just went by too fast to make much of an impact. One moment she was talking with Rolan, the next he was agree and walked away and just within a second someone approached her to take her home. How could Rolan have done this so fast? With that whole explosion going on how could that even be arranged that fast? And I don't really believe Rolan would have time to play with Mae as much if he was the Alpha and suddenly there was an explosion in that building/home(?)

Rolan's expressions also change rather fast? like one moment he as an 'arrogant asshole' and the next he is suddenly very worried about her, too worried. Sure, he can be worried but if at first he is teasing her and shielding his emotions from her that wouldn't change that fast. he would try to hide it, as Alpha he should know how his emotions can be used against him and how to hide them properly. It just doesn't add up in my opinion.

(Also, never use all caps to show that a character is shouting, a simple exclamation point should be enough.)

Anyways, I did enjoy the plot of the story and again, I do belief it has great potential, the base for a great story and unique twists is there, it's only the layout that needs work, but that is alright, we all start somewhere and we all learn on the way ;) I'm looking forward to see where the author takes this story. All of the above is my personal opinion which I only mean to share in a ways to help the author better themselves :)

Take care and keep up writing, you're doing great so far.

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Very enjoyable

I really enjoy this story. The characters are thought out and relatable. It starts out nice and slow, giving you a good look into the life of the main character, who she is and who the people around her are. What is important to her and what her dreams are, it's nice to get a clear view of the independent main character on its own before the whole romance part is introduced. I really enjoyed that about this story, how it wasn't just like 'oh romance! oh let's give it some drama! oh here come angst!' the story had real depth and meaning and is really thought through.

My only advise to the author is related to the style the story is written in. The story seemed to flow a little too fast at certain moments. I had some difficulty in getting into the mood of the story at times because of the fast flow. emotional scenes seemed to just skip by which is a real shame. In the style that the story is written there is a lot of talking without much description between the conversations. this is a factor that I noticed that will make it seem like emotional moment skip by too easily. Body language is one of the most important parts of a conversation. It shows what the character feel throughout the scene. Is she uncomfortable? is she just shrugging it off? does it hurt her to think about it? to tell it? what kind of impact does her words have on herself and the person she is telling it to? Those were the things I personally missed.

If the author would like for me to give an example of how this can be done I would be happy to help, I would love to see this story rise and become one of the best. It has such a different approach and so much potential. Please do know that the criticism I give is to help you (the author) grow in your writing as I do believe this story deserves a chance to shine and become a hit.

Keep up the amazing writing! Love the story, love the idea of the story, love the characters, their struggles and their realness. I definitely recommend this book to anyone! Thank you for taking the time to write this story and sharing it with us!!

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Really amazing!

So I just finished this story and I have to say I'm amazed. I really like the story, it's really good. I like the characters and that it doesn't have only a black and white view of point. like the queen, she wasn't all evil, even if she may appear that way. she loves her own children and raised them with love. it doesn't excuse her terrible behavior towards Deanna but I like how there is a different side to her even it is a bit hard to see at times. I also really liked how it showed how strong fear could be. How anyone, even the sweetest soul, could sometimes do horrible things just out of fear. But also how a kind hard can see through corruption and can stand strong even when faced with pain.

Aeon was also pretty interesting. It was fun to read their relationship develop and how well they got along with somewhat of this blind trust. Aeon was really charming and Max wasn't too bad either, I really liked them both. (Poor Max tho)

One thing I noticed was that (mostly in the beginning) some scenes were written a bit too fast. at points I got a bit confused as one scene suddenly turned into another without a clear break between them. other than that there weren't many things that caught my attention that I disliked. not even the small mistakes that a quick read through could fix were very noticeable.

I LOVE the way you describe the surroundings! At time I could really feel like I was standing right next to the characters. I really have to applause you on that, it was very well executed and it really added to the story. So, most importantly, I really liked this short story and hope that perhaps one day a sequel will be released. the characters are very interesting and certainly worth your time. I'm also very curious to what else this author has written as I see a lot of potential for a great story teller.

All in all, lovely short story for those who love a soft burning romance with a twist of angst and the slightest bit of mystery ;)

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Extraordinary

I really love the slow pace of this story and the story line in general. Most stories rush through the beginning and get to the romance part as that is the part they are most excited to write. There is nothing wrong with that, it's just nice to see a story that takes it's time to get to know the main character, to understand her and her troubles and really feel what she is going through. It gives the story so much more depth.

The writing and description is also perfect. You really get the feeling as if you're looking through her eyes. You feel her pain, see her struggles, and most importantly, you can admire her strength. The story has only two chapters, yet you're hooked at the first paragraph. This story is so well written it comes to life before your eyes. Not a single moment can be considered dull.

Overall, this story has great potential and I cant wait to see where the author is going to take it. So yes, I highly recommend this story to anyone who loves not only romance but also deep going characters and a story that is more than just the boy and girl falling in love.

And to the author, keep it up, you're amazing!

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Very Interesting, definitely worth it

I really like this, the story is very original and has loads of mystery which I am a big fan of. I don't believe I've ever come across a story like this, and it's really interesting and makes me curious to read on.

There is only one thing that bothers me a bit while reading. The chapters are quite long and the switch from one scene to the other is sometimes confusing. There is enough content to be put into multiple chapters and enough scenes. It could be just me but I'd rather read chapters that are around 2k - 3k words, this is because I am not a fast reader and if I come across a story with very long chapters I'd rather not read it (though the blurb got me hooked to this one and I couldn't refuse) as halfway through the first chapter it might have lost the intensity, if that makes sense?

Part of the point of having chapters is to end it with perhaps a cliffhanger (which you did, very well done I must say) or an intense end that makes you eager to read on and not being able to wait for the next chapter. Halfway through the first chapter I had noticed points where this could have been done, and if this were the case, the step to the next scene/situation may not have been as confusing. Achilles could have easily been introduced in chapter 2 or even 3 as I had the idea the first chapter was mainly to introduce Victoria and her powers and her relationships. But that is just my personal opinion.

Overall, I really like the story and where it is going, it's definitely worth a shot if you're looking for something mysterious and new. The story is really thought through and I can tell the author has put a lot of time into this story so far and I applause them for it as the details are what differs one story from the other.

So, keep up the good work, I'm looking forward to seeing more!

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Interesting

To start off, this story has an interesting concept, though I'm not quite sure what the plot is about. The pacing was very fast and there wasn't much context. The first chapter was a bit of a pain to read through because of the grammatical errors and spaces between punctuations. However, this was mostly resolved in the second chapter, which immediately made it a much smoother read, but I still didn't have the feeling of an easy read. The sentences didn't flow nicely after one another and the dialogue seemed rushed. Most of the story was told instead of show, which also resolved into rather short chapters where a lot happens but without much context.

The story does have only two chapters, therefore it could still go in any direction. Though, I found that the beginning wasn't very gripping. This could be because of the rush in both chapters or the lack of description and context. The most important part about storytelling is taking a hold of the reader's thoughts and not letting go. As a writer you need to be aware of what you write and how gripping it is.

To give an example, this story had description and moments where more context is given, but it is done in a way where it doesn't add much to the story. One can not write a story by starting right in the middle and moment of action. There has to be a build up, a moment where we learn where we are, what is going on and who the main character we are following is and what is important to them. We don't learn this by having it told right to our faces, we learn this by subtle moments, encounters with others, conversations and train of thoughts throughout the entire story. There needs to be a balance between what we learn about this new word and the story itself. A story can't excist without context, but neither can context be of any worth without a story.

The main character of this story narrates her own story and she literally tells what is happening, this usually doesn't go well. There is a reason why a story is written by an author and not by the main character. If it were to be a narrated story with pictures or film there would be no problem, but we have no pictures or video to help us picture what is going on. That's where the author comes in with showing the readers what is happening, that's where the magic happens. It's all about description, buildup, suspence, questions and answers. Show the world through the words you've written. After writing, try stepping away for a second and re-read what you've written as a reader. Try to imagine the scenes you've written in a different way from what you've previously imagined them. If you can with the help of just your text then so will your readers, if not, nor will your readers.

Writing is a hard and difficult practice that can not be mastered in one night. It takes time, practice, patience and research. You learn by trying and readig what others have written. Asking for feedback and using it to improve is also an important part. I'd like to say to the author that they have still a long way to go, but they are on the right path. Keep going and learn as much as you can. Write your story as best as you can and over time you will see yourself improve. Never stop writing, never stop trying and never stop reading.

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In love with this world

So, to begin, I loved the world and the setting the story was set in. I loved the way it was depicted and the overall ambiance of it.

The prologue is very captivating and makes you curious for more. I really liked that about it. The first chapter is very interesting as well, showing a bit of the world and Khyber's role in it. It explains a bit of what is going on but just not enough to satisfy your curiosity, which makes you read on and on and on until you finally get the answer you seek for.

Though, I thought that the flow of the story wasn't that pleasant to read at times. The missing commas plus how the sentences were formulated didn't appeal to me much. I had to think too much about what exactly was happening to really get into the story. Many words were also overused, like 'highway' and 'green plants'. This also caused for the story to lose its flow. Reading it through should solve this mistakes, tho.

Overall I can see potential in this story. it certainly had its attractive and unique qualities that each success novel needs. Now it's all up to the author how they want it to turn out. I wish you the best of luck, keep writing this excellent story of yours and show the world that there is no boundaries when it comes to the human mind!

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Very Interesting and Different!

This is such an interesting one-shot. I really liked it! I really like how it is written, the overall feeling of the story was very nice. I really felt like I was in that time with them, I could see Belfrontes shift from hero to madman, how he lost his morals over time, how the thrill of killing overwhelmed him until it became him. Very, very well done.

Like with the other story I read of you I have to say that I really like your style of storytelling. The way you tell your story is intriguing and fresh, not many authors write in such a style anymore. I personally really like it and I definitely encourage you to continue with this style and practice it more and more. It really suits the settings you write and the whole theme and atmosphere that you try to set. Totally love it.

There were a few things that didn't sit well with me, though. I found that some parts went by rather rushed. They went by with a blink of the eye, perhaps you could take a look at that?

There were some mistakes in the spelling too, but it are just those a quick read through could fix, nothing too major. Oh, and a few sentences weren't complete, just so you know.

Also, when Belfrontes enters the cave the maiden immediately starts to cry at his feet. She isn't shocked to see him, she doesn't question him first, get's angry, takes a defensive stand before the dragon, she just... throws herself in front of him and begs and cries. Then without much of a fight she just says 'okay but at least let me take his blood.' Idk, it bothers me a bit how quickly she gives in.

Anyways, that is just my personal opinion. I did like how she got her revenge, how she finally freed herself and her kids in the end. It definitely has potential and it's a great storyline. If you finetune it you can perhaps enter it in a few short story writing contest.

You seriously have so much talent and I just love the stories you come up with and the style you write them in. It just all seems to fit together perfectly, from start to finish it keeps your interest and keeps you wanting only more.

I hope you never stop writing! Keep it up and share your passion, it is a wonderful gift you have!

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Interesting read

Overall I thought the story was very interesting. The plot is very different from most reads and has its own unique twists throughout the story. It is very compelling and has you at the edge of your seat at the end of each chapter, wanting only to find out what will happen next to this unusual family. The characters are very well developed and thought through, though I have to admit I never have and never will like Ann and Jack.

What I've noticed about the author's writing style that bothered me for most of the story was how it was written very monotonous. Most of the time we were told what was happening, with which I mean that we weren't shown what was being said, nor certain in between scenes. There are huge skips when it comes to the character moving from place to place, which isn't always a problem, but here it was happening so often in one paragraph that it was like the story was speeding by. It would feel like: "then this happened, and then that, then this and that," which in my opinion is not very pleasant to read. I also found the parts where people were described telling things to the characters instead of having them exactly tell what they were saying (if that makes sense?) rather annoying. At those moments I couldn't fully connect with the characters as they were all just one sum of what was happening. How did Dylan feel exactly at that moment? How did Ann really react? things like that. Did they flinch? Did they take a step back? Did they take a sharp intake of air? I wouldn't know, nor should I be left guessing. Body language is just as important as saying someone is angry or sad or saying something. Emotions are in more control of our body than most people think. Try to use that to your advantage.

The flow of the story wasn't too pleasant either, like I said before, some scenes seemed to be speeding way too much. Also, as someone who's native language isn't English, I thought that it was a bit of a hard read as many word used were too difficult and long, not to mention unneeded, and didn't fit the scene nor the tone of the story. Big words are great, sure, it can up the level of your readers, but don't overuse them. Where a simple word can be used to form a better sentence than do so, it won't make you look any less of a great writer if you write simplistic. At the end of the day it is about the story, not how many big words that are in it.

However, the story is definitely worth checking out. It's very different from what I usually read and will surely surprise you with its twists and turns, not to mention the intriguing characters. I'd recommend this story to anyone looking for some drama, suspense and a story with depth. To the author I say; keep going, keep writing and don't let anyone stop you from doing what you love. Tell the stories you desperately want to be told, and write the desires of your heart out.

I hope you found this helpful. :)

Good luck!

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Great Story

So, first off, I really like the concept of this story. The idea of a game where a hot guy dares you to make him fall for you before you do yourself is intriguing and quite unique. It was what attracted me to the story. The beginning looked promising, with the character being introduced and their settings, so great job on that.

What was quite a turn off for me was the constant switch between tenses in the story. Yes, tenses are difficult, I still struggle with them myself, but it is helpful if you know in which tense you want to write the story, and than stick to that. These switches make it sometimes difficult to read and take away the smoothness that should flow with each sentence. It's okay to be struggling with this, taking the time to look it over once or twice should help as well, or let someone else look it over. Most noticeable mistakes will be taken out this way and the sentences will flow smoother which makes the story easier to read.

Something else I had trouble with were the characters. Yes, they were all different, but there wasn't a direct depth to them that caught my attention. I couldn't really find a connection with them. I know this is difficult but it's worth to keep in the back of your mind when writing. Things that make characters more relatable are the little quirks and the way they react to certain situations. Just because she isn't like most girls and doesn't understand why they act that way doesn't immediately make her special. Tell me why she loves the sea, how the soothing waves calm her heated skin from the sun, tell me how Drew's posture is on the rather attractive side, even tho she would never admit it to him or herself, and makes her cheeks heat slightly when he is close, tell me how his skin is soft or rough against her own. tell me how the alcohol brings her back to her previous life, how her head feels heavy at the mere thought, her hands slightly begin to shake as the overwhelming rush passes through her, tell me how his skin is warm under her fingertips, how there is more to that handsome face and body, because I couldn't find a spark of attractiveness other than he was described that way. It's all about the details that add to the character; what is he/she feeling? How would he/she react?

I hope this will help you in developing this story. I truly believe it's a great story you've got going, there is just some more work that needs to go into it. These are all things you will learn the more you start writing and achieve with practice. I'm pointing it out since this used to be something I struggled with too, and from time to time still do. I think it's easier to improve if you know what you should work on.

So, all in all, this story had great potential, definitely original and something worth checking out. Good luck on this story, I know this will turn out perfect one day!

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Really something else!

For what I've read so far I've found the story really interesting. I really like how the story is being told, as if it was written in a journal or a collection of letters. It's a nice way of changing things up as most stories are written in a more well known style, it's quite a risk as not many stories are written like this (compared to what I've read so far that is), so yeah I really like the originality of the story and its style. It definitely adds a certain feel to it.

A thing that I also noticed is that the story seemed to be written in a rush. In overall this is not too much of a bother while reading but might take away some of the impact. What it also tells me is that the author is really excited and has many ideas when it comes to this and wants to share it as soon as it's written down., which is not a bad thing. I love to see authors who are excited about their ideas :) A tip that might help the author is to write either slower, make sure to get the sentence right, or if your head is just too full and you need it down in one go to proof read it at least once before posting it.

In general I'm really curious to see where this story is going and what Fiona's goal is; does she really only want to help others while also satisfying her slight killing addiction or does it has a deeper meaning? Is there a certain trauma that caused her to start thinking about killing in the first place or....? I have so many questions and I'm excited to discover the answers as the story grows!

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