To start off, I couldn't really find much of a plot yet, but that could be because there were only three chapters. At first I was also put off a bit by the way the story was written, meaning I did not enjoy how there was only talking with little description. everything that happened was literally told by the characters it felt like. I couldn't really get into the story because of this. But, when I came to the third chapter I was relieved to see that the author had added more description.
Read the story now
I found it difficult to really get into the story, like I mentioned before, and really get to know the characters and connect with them. The element were there. The characters seemed to have, even early on in the story, a clear personality. Meaning, they aren't flat. they have goals, morals, conflict, which the author created very nicely. I liked that, there are elements the reader can bond with throughout the story. Why I didn't feel like that happened for me, though, was because how these elements were presented was... too fast? I'm not sure how I should describe it but I'll try. Whenever there was a moment, like the fight Jake and Boris, it was again too much focus on the dialogue like in the first 2 chapters. Because of this the scene just went by in the blink of an eye.
What I'm trying to say is that description is key to truly getting the character across to the reader. Jack was angry, we could tell because he started yelling and left. But what else? Why exactly did he raise his voice, knowing fully well those men were still looking for them. What was the exact point that broke where he didn't care anymore. What was the trigger? This could have been described by saying how his fists clenched, yes, but when did his nails start to dig into his palms? Was his jaw clenching, trying to remain some sense until he broke? When he left, were his shoulders tense, was he stomping, did he slam the door?
And Boris? Did he sigh, sitting back as he rubbed his temples because of his brother's foolish behavior, though knowing Jake would turn back around eventually when he cooled down? Did his eyes widen when he realized he was caught? Did his heart beat pick up?
These are the details that separate one story from the other. To make the reader feel what the character is feeling you have to describe what it is they are feeling.
Also, slow down time when things get intense, like in the fight scene. Apparently, Boris was half dead laying on the ground? Yet a second later he is running to find his brother like nothing happened. Try slowing down in moments like this. Take the time to figure out what is actually happening. fight scenes should be fast or you'll lose the pace, but right after the fight, or once he was thrown to the ground, those could be key elements where we can get another glimpse of who exactly the character is.
Like Boris, form what I read I gather he is a harsh fighter, giving his everything, but that should also take a great toll on him once beaten down. When he was thrown to the ground I don't really care as a reader if he lays there dying. For me, it read like "he was thrown to the ground. Oh! and he was dying, yes he is dying, not because of a wound or anything, he's just dying right there because of the hit." Sometimes literally saying what is happening isn't the best way to describe a scene.
I'll try to give you an example:
In the story:
Suddenly, everyone left as Boris was laying on the floor, dying.
As Boris' shoulders ache and his blood staining his pale yellow skin, he got up determent to escape as he sheathed his dagger, waiting for what comes next.
What I (personally) would have written instead (note, I have a habit of writing in the past tense):
Groaning, Boris lay on the cold, wooden floor. The people around him started to move away, frightened by the scene. Boris coughed, the foul taste of iron on his tongue as blood tainted the pale, yellow skin on his hand. Trying to get up he flinched, his hand going to his side. He bust have broken a rib.
His eyes lifted to the ugly green orc, the tension in his jaw visible. Determent, he pushed himself up, spitting the last bit of blood from his mouth. Though in pain, he stood strong, his dagger in his hand, his gaze on his targets every move.
This is my personal opinion on how I would have written the scene, and how I think it might could have been improved. Whether you think so too or you decide to do something with it is entirely up to you.
I hope I have helped you with the knowledge I have gathered over the last 3 years, and I wish you luck on your journey as a writer. You got the right mindset, great ideas, and of course the will to write and improve. Only by practice will you improve, famous publishing authors aren't born over night. It is a difficult path but daring to share your mind with the world is the first step in becoming the next JK Rowling. Never give up, don't let anyone get you down. I wish you the best of luck, my friend, I truly think your imagination will get you a long way, you definitely have a talent for story writing, don't let it go to waste. ♥