DanOAuthor

Chandler

The man known as Dan O'Mahony was raised in a library by a pack of wild fantasy novels who accepted him as one of their own.

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So far, so good

The title and the Commandments section are giving me a Haidmaiden's Tale sort of vibe -- and that's a good thing. I like the protagonist, and there's definitely a strong voice in the writing. I like how you're taking your time and not rushing things.

I would like to experience the world of the story through the protagonist's eyes though. More show vs. tell. I want to know what happened to the parents. Were they around before the disasters? Did they ever tell the protagonist what the world was like before that? Maybe she read books.

I want to know more about the brother too. What was he like before all this? He'll have the potential to be a rich, complex character if he started out a good guy. He could also possibly get redeemed.

Keep going. Take your time, but don't forget to drop key information here and there. I usually try to go for one key detail per chapter.

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A Blueprint for a Fascinating Tale

So far, this reads like an outline that includes some detailed world-building and interesting character sketches. I would like to meet these characters and learn about the world in a more organic manner.

A fine beginning might be introducing and maintaining focus on the main character and how he fits in or doesn't fit in with his surroundings and his search for his origins.

I really want to experience this story through the Protagonist's POV and learn more about the Commune and the larger world that it is a part.

You have sparked my interest. I hope you run with it.

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A Diamond in the Rough

I liked the action scenes. They were swift and brutal. I'm also intrigued by the main characters and would love to know more about their backstories and relationships. Aurora is definitely the protagonist, and I would like more of the story to be told through her perspective and experience the story through her POV.

The style is very cinematic, which worked in places. However, overall, I would love more world-building and get a sense of the setting and locale.

Overall, it could use some polish. There are scattered shifts in verb tense and some POV trouble in the beginning which includes an omniscient narrator that seems to quickly disappear.

Please keep it up. Focus on the relationships and character development, and hopefully the "war" will have something to do with tearing those relationships apart.

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Off to a good start.

I'm intrigued and would like to read more. I do not think you need the prologue though and could build up to the conflict in chapter one -- speaking of chapter one, I found a huge chunk of text that had been repeated -- like you maybe cut and pasted a section twice, I don't know.

I think the protagonist should have some mementos of his former life. Holding on to those can help him remember the good times -- They could also be taken away by his master. I would also like to see more psychological abuse from the master. That could be a way to work in some backstory -- The master could remind the protagonist of what his life was like before this, and the master could tell him how ungrateful and unappreciative he is for that he has done for him.

I think the master should have some sort of ulterior motive for keeping him a slave too. If the protagonist is
really that worthless as a slave, I'd imagine he'd have just gotten rid of him.

Keep up the good work!

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