Chapter One:
After
Liam died on a Monday.
At school. Along with five others. On October 5, 2015.
I wish I could remember the exact time. Know the exact moment, the exact second it happened. But I don’t. And I never will. Another thing added to the infinite list of things I don’t know and understand about that day. The worst day.
Sitting at my desk, I have my calendar out in front of me as I write down my schedule for the week. Making sure to fill my days with pointless nothings to keep me busy. To keep my mind from obsessing. When I have nothing to do, I think about Liam, and I miss him so much that it physically hurts. Like I have a fresh, gaping wound on my body that feels like it’s just getting bigger and bigger with each passing day and the only way to ignore the pain is by distracting myself.
I’m trying to fool myself. And I’m getting incredibly good at it.
I find it so much easier pretending to care about homework or cleaning my room or writing in my calendar then thinking about my dead boyfriend. And thinking about how he died. How I’ll never see him again. That his body lays cold and rotting away in the ground among hundreds of other dead corpses.
Nope. This is so much easier.
I pop the cap off my pink highlighter and drag it over the interview my mom is making me do later in the week that I have no desire to do.
My door creeks open and I look over to see my mom step inside my room. Her purse on her arm. She’s dressed in one of her fancy work suits. Her hair curled perfectly with red lipstick painting her lips. She always looks put together. Even when she’s just at the house. Always ready. Image to her means everything. We all have to look the part.
Never show any cracks. Our exterior always porcelain. Smooth, with no damages. The perfect family. The perfect daughter.
Nothing is ever good enough for my mom. I can never meet her standards, no matter what I do. Neither can my dad.
Our house is empty and lonely and fake. It’s all a mirage.
“I’m heading out to work; I won’t be home until late tonight. Same with your father.” She says. My family is a long line of well known, qualified doctors and surgeons. It’s like everyone on both my mom and dad’s side were born with it in their blood. It’s everyone’s destinies whether they like it or not. Including me, and I don’t like it. Nothing about the medical field interests me. The sight of blood makes me queasy.
On the worst day, my instincts weren’t to save anyone, like it was for Liam. My instincts were to freeze. To completely shut down. Every organ in my body collapsed and everything stood still. I didn’t save Liam or help him or help anyone. I couldn’t even help myself. How the hell am I supposed to be a doctor when I couldn’t do any of that?
I nod simply, then look back at my calendar. My arm smudged one of the words. Black ink stretches across the Wednesday box. Smearing my plans for the day. I put the cap back on my highlighter before reaching for the white out.
“I left some money on the counter for you so you can order food.” My mom opens the door wider; it creaks loudly. An issue that my mom has been bugging my dad about for a while now. So many of the doors in this house squeak and it drives her insane. “What are your plans for today?”
“Lots. Busy day.” I lie.
“Great, happy to hear. How are you feeling today?”
She always asks me this, ever since that day, but I don’t think she actually wants to know the answer. “Fine.” I lie again. I’ve said this since it first happened. Fine. Fine. Fine. I’m fine. Everything is fine. I’ll be fine. It’s fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.
I’m far from it.
It’s hard pleasing my mother but when I introduced her to Liam, I got pretty close. She loved him and was obsessed with our relationship. We were the perfect couple in her eyes. The all-star pitcher and the supportive girlfriend. We were the “it” couple. The one that everyone envied. Everyone knew about us. They talked about us and gushed over us. We got voted cutest couple in the yearbook every year since freshman year. We were the couple that was going to make it after high school. I knew it. Everyone knew it. He was my person. My better half.
And now I don’t have him, and it feels like half of me is missing.
Now I’m all alone.
“Okay, good. If you need anything, just give me a call. Love you.” She puts her hand on her mouth and blows me a quick kiss before leaving my room without shutting my door.
I hear her heels on the stairs. All the way downstairs on the tile to the front door until the front door opens and closes.
I exhale heavily. I look at the empty slot for today. Nothing planned.
It’s not like I’ve talked to my friends in months. Not since the worst day. They’ve tried reaching out to me. But everything feels different now. Even the air feels different. Every single thing. I don’t know how to talk to them anymore. I can barely look at them much less anyone else.
I’m not the supportive girlfriend to a baseball player anymore. Now I’m the sad girlfriend of a dead boyfriend.
I could go for a walk or go to the mall to get an outfit for the interview. Or clean my room. Do some laundry. Clean my bathroom.
I don’t feel like doing anything.
My hands shake as I slide my phone in front of me, unlocking the screen and pulling up Instagram. I scroll through the pictures. Photos of Liam and the others. People who knew Liam and people who didn’t but are acting like they did. Couple photos of me and him together. So many comments on my pictures of people apologizing. Saying how sad and awful it all is. How they can’t begin to imagine what I’m going through.
I pull up Liam’s best friend River’s page.
Nothing.
He hasn’t posted since last year. A photo of him and some of the baseball player’s doing a back flip into the pool.
Nothing about Liam.
I go back to scrolling through posts. My eyes getting blurry with tears as I look at Liam’s face. He was perfect. With these dazzling, sky-blue eyes and charming smile. He had this beachy blonde hair and summer tan skin. He was tall and so gorgeous to look at. Girls loved him. They wanted him, yet for some reason, he chose me. Even after being together for a year, I would look at him in awe, amazed that he was my boyfriend. That I got to kiss him and spend my time with him. He was everything I had ever wanted.
Tears escape my eyes and I swipe at them hastily before locking my phone and standing from my desk chair. I should just delete all my social media. There’s no point in having it. It only makes me cry. I see him everywhere and I’m reminded of what I’ve lost.
Moving into my closet, I grab my laundry basket and move it into the laundry room where I begin loading my clothes in, trying to distract my mind. But it’s too late. All I see is him.
