The Buddhist Devils
Archangel Michael was struggling to keep up with his black-winged enemy. However strong he was, at the end, his powers seemed void in front of the leader of the fallen Angels. The person who was the arch nemesis of God was definitely too strong for Michael. He raised his holy sword and charged at his enemy, but his momentum was obstructed midway by a dark gust of wind. Michael’s golden wings took full impact and he was thrown hundreds of meters away.
‘You are strong.’ Michael mumbled as he flapped his wings to stop his momentum.
‘What do expect from me, Archangel Michael?’ Satan smiled. His face was almost as radiant and handsome as Michaels’ but the murderous aura in it completely washed away the good-guy feeling. He was wielding a black broadsword with ancient inscriptions on it. Bare-chested, Satan stood six foot tall in the red-shaded dusk sky. It was the time for the realm of Satan. The part of the day, when he is the strongest.
‘How can you catch up with me dear?’ Satan sheathed his sword ‘You could hardly touch me during the day. I think you shouldn’t even try in the night.’
‘Shut up, you ungrateful beast!’ Michael’s eyes glittered with anger. He stood up and leveled his sword. This was going to be his last effort. After that he would not be able to stand up anymore. He would fail his mission. The least he would want is for Satan to kill him, but he won’t. Rather he can’t. Michael was as much immortal as Satan. Moreover, Satan’s only objective is to see the Almighty and His follows struggle. He surely wouldn’t kill Michael and miss his entertainment.
At the corner of his eye, Michael saw Great Archangel Gabriel falling from the sky. Lucifer committed his job and defeated Gabriel with his high spec technology. Lucifer was the God of science. And in this 21st century, where people couldn’t see beyond their smartphone, there was absolutely no way, anyone could defeat Lucifer. People’s faith in God was disappearing. The Almighty was at his weakest with very few followers. But Lucifer was enlightened with the followers of science. He was at the pinnacle of his strength. Probably even stronger than Satan.
‘Gabriel…!’ Michael cried as he saw his comrade fall.
‘Don’t worry,’ Lucifer’s voice echoed through the polluted air. He stood beside his six brothers, the guardians of Hell- Satan, Leviathan, Beelzebub, Asmodeus, Behemoth and Belphegor. The seven of them stood shoulder to shoulder, smiling upon the unnerved Michael. The seven deadly sins of mankind- Lust, Pride, Gluttony, Wrath, Sloth, Greed and Envy; standing against Archangel Michael. All his brothers were defeated. Was it the end? The angels were defeated by the seven princes of Hell. They were the God’s final lines of defense. Now the only one who could stop them was the Lord.
Without a second thought, Michael launched himself towards the seven. Their forms flickered, as if trying to merge together to form the seven headed tyrant- the real Sathanus. But Michael didn’t stop. He kept on charging forward, until Leviathan’s body erupted into flames. A giant Python shot out of his blazing chest and tangled itself around Michael. His wings were still free, so he managed to levitate over the giant the metropolitan named New York.
Leviathan’s original body melted and fell down.
‘God have ruled too long.’ Satan smiled as he proceeded towards the struggling reptilian mummified body of Michael. ‘It is time for his heir to take over.’
Satan scratched Michael’s beard. ‘Oh look how miserable you appeal! Let me make an offer- why don’t you join us brother. We would need more guardians, since the tiers of purgatory are going to increase thirteen-folds tonight.’
‘And why do you think, I won’t betray you?’ Michael’s eyes radiated pure anger.
‘Your loyalty is something of example, dear Michael. Your principles would stop your betrayal. That is why, we don’t engage with morals and principles.’
‘So what makes you think, that I will betray MY GOD!’ Michael’s enraged words echoed through the sky.
‘Oh my Me! Don’t tell me, that you want to take my sin? The way your wrath is controlling your emotions, it won’t be long before the Almighty turns you a fallen angel. Try to maintain your composure! Anyways there won’t be any God after tonight, so I thought; I might as well give you a shelter.’
Michael spat onto Satan’s face. The reptilian Leviathan’s eyes bulged out in anticipation. As good as dead! He thought and then glared at Satan with sparkling eyes.
Satan stood there for a second, and then took a deep breath. Even though his hands exploded with the Blue flames, he kept his sarcastic smile.
‘If only, I wasn’t happy today, you would’ve been BBQ Michael by now.’ Satan wiped his face and then looked at his watch. It was covered in flames, so he had to extinguish them first. The watch wasn’t even charred. ‘I personally ordered Rolex to manufacture a fire-proof watch for me. You know I am a bit hot.’
Saying that, Satan turned his back towards Michael. Michael saw an enormous tattoo at Satan’s muscular back. It was a three-headed beast with dark leathery bat-like wing and gigantic horns. Each head was eating a different person. The art so horrifyingly good, that Michael felt the chills from the drawing.
‘W-what is this?’
Satan turned a little and eyed at Michael.
‘Oh this? Botticelli made it for me, while he was in Inferno. I don’t know what that guy committed, but at the end he received Hell. On my gratitude, I reduced his punishment and made him my personal artisan. At least I saved such a great genius from being deep-fried thrice a day!’
‘Brother,’ Lucifer interfered. ‘Aren’t we getting late?’
‘Oh sorry. My bad! Come let’s go Michael.’
Satan grabbed Leviathan’s tail and dragged Michael like he was his dog on leash. The others followed, chatting with each other in murmuring voices.
The band of evil-doers with their angelic pet ascended higher into the air, until they reached the stratosphere. Everyone was getting a little out of breath, trying to keep pace with Satan.
‘Can you slow down a bit? Unlike you, we have never flown this high. With this lack of Oxygen and air density, it is really hard to keep fluttering our wings.’
‘Sorry, got a bit excited!’
They kept flying higher and higher, until they penetrated the final cloud to reach the completely empty sky.
‘We are here.’ Satan announced. ‘Lucifer.’
‘Hmm.’ Lucifer nodded and snapped his finger. A laptop appeared midair and he caught it.
‘Let’s see,’ he muttered as he tapped his fingers into the keyboard, as Asmodeus held the laptop. He hacked into the mainframe server and started disabling the infrared shield.
‘What is he doing?’ Michael asked, a bit confused.
‘He is hacking into Heaven’s server to disable the invisibility barrier;’ Belphegor answered ‘don’t you know about it?’
‘It is the first time, I am hearing such blasphemy. Why would there be a technolo…’
‘Well, the growing support of science isn’t the only thing that made us so confident into attacking the
Heaven after a long time. With technological advancements in humans, they launched satellites into the Earth’s orbit. We figured that your God was aware of the fact that the satellites might spot the Eden’s cloud. So he ordered infrared barriers to be built around the Heaven’s gate.’
‘You see, God’s miracle is only limited to humans and the environment, but He has absolutely no control over technology.’ Lucifer meddled in, still trying to crack the code ‘Thus he asked the resting spirits of great scientists to create the barrier. He had no option other than to fight tech with tech. apparently, he didn’t tell the angels about it, because he thought, it might affect your loyalty.’
‘And because of this mechanical barrier, Lucifer has an upper hand at the Heaven.’ Belphegor completed.
The god of science. The angel of light- Lucifer. The holder of the sin of Pride.
Satan smiled with self-satisfaction. ‘That’s not all. After we researched on why we lost every time, we came to know of two of our major flaws- we all committed some kinds of sin or the other, with led to our ultimate weakness and the other was, we all acted in separation. We never fought in unison. But Lucifer built a machine, to separate each of my incarnations into different persons. After that, we went to Asia, where we learnt discipline and coordination while learning martial arts. We also learnt how to control our sins by becoming Buddhist monks. However painful the process was for our pride, we finished our course with satisfying results. That is the most important reason for our confidence. We are much more composed, learned and educated, unlike you orthodox angels.’
‘Voila!’ Lucifer’s smile stretched from ear to ears ‘behold, the Heaven’s Gate.’
A blinding course of light flashed onto the black-winged angels. Lucifer nullified it, before it cleansed the darkened souls of the devils. When everyone recovered from the nausea, they saw two ginormous gates, separating them from the stairway to Heaven. The top of the staircase was invisible from the point below.
‘But we have only a few minutes to get in, before the backup software engages and reboots the barrier.’ ‘Leave that to me,’ Behemoth smiled, as he landed on the soft cloudy terrain.
He looked almost weak and demure with his humble attire of a middleclass white-collared salary man (with wings of course). But as he settled his hands on the gate, his white formal shirt was ripped apart from his body. Each of his muscles grew almost ten times in size, until he was a green goliath. With his enormous strength, he ripped the giant doors off its stands and rested them at the foot of the stairs.
Michael’s jaw was hanging meters down from his face. Satan looked at his comical situation and added a pun.
‘Behemoth went inside Stan Lee’s dreams to suggest him the so-called superhero “Hulk”, you see, it was his dream to become a superhero, after he started watching superman.’
Behemoth returned to his ordinary size. Miraculously, his clothes returned back in complete piece and there he stood, a complete gentleman.
‘Did I overdo it?’
‘No-no! It was great. I am proud of you Behemoth.’ Lucifer was the first one to landed, followed by Satan and Michael and then the rest arrived.
‘That was one rough flight!’ Beelzebub rubbed his sweat with a handkerchief and offered it to Lucifer. ‘Let’s ascend the stairs first.’ Satan smiled.
‘We are seriously going to climb that?’ Asmodeus’ smile vanished. Beelzebub turned back and started heading out.
‘Let’s call it a day then. I believe I understand why God made all these stairs. They are a perfect way to keep demons away.’
‘So we should just give up and head back home.’ Asmodeus heaved a sigh ‘I mean my Air Conditioner is broken and it is like a million degrees down there.’
‘We are at New York anyways,’ Beelzebub suggested ‘Why not stay in some 5-star hotel for the night?’
‘You dare to even state that you fear these puny stairs?’ Belphegor chimed in. ‘Are you not brave enough to climb them? I mean be active people!’
Michael stared and the strange conversation. He always believed that Satan and his brothers were all sinister souls who have no other desire than to destroy the Almighty for their insults. But now that he witnessed them with his own eyes, he realized one thing- they are all stupid. Mindless fools, who dared to enter the God’s realm forcefully. But was perplexed as well. He never thought that Satan actually said the truth, when he said that they went through extensive training to improve themselves. Belphegor, the demon of Sloth and laziness, suddenly becomes work-hungry. The Wrathful Satan just smiled, when he spat on his face. The Proud Lucifer accepted a drenched handkerchief to wipe his sweat… What was going on?
Just as Beelzebub tried to set his foot out, the barrier reactivated, and they were all trapped inside.
‘Now that I think about it people,’ Beelzebub made 360 degree turn and gave his best possible forgive-me-for-screwing-up smile ‘flying back down would be more of a hassle.’
The group of devils, climbed the stairs with everything they got. Belphegor didn’t look much tired, nor was Michael, who was used to it. Leviathan got a free ride from Michael, other than that, everyone was drained. Beelzebub was breathing like an asthma patient. Satan was on his knees and panting like a dog. Lucifer was chomping down some Sneakers. Asmodeus was yet far behind and commando-crawling the stairs with the last drop of his energy.
‘Look people!’ Belphegor cried out ‘It is the Garden of Eden!’
Lying in front of them was a vast stretch of land full of flowers and orchards of all kind. There were butterflies roaming over the flowers and many deer and antelopes were moving around. As the animals saw their visitors, they slowly approached them with caution.
‘It is been too long since I have had venison,’ Satan smiled greedily. The herbivores ran for their lives as they heard the Devil.
‘You fools!’ Michael cried ‘They are holy animals, if you dare touch them; God is bound to punish you!’
‘Yeah.’ Lucifer said ‘Like we aren’t getting the worst punishment already.’
Michael shut his mouth. He was nothing compared to them in strength or words. They were devils of course. What less could he expect from the rulers of the Underworld.
‘Are we seriously going to cross this land as well?’ Beelzebub spoke.
‘I can’t bear it anymore!’ Lucifer waved his arms and his Laptop remodeled itself into a four-wheeler
SUV. ‘Everyone get in.’
Within minutes of their departure, they reached the Hall of Judgment. Michael had almost two –three near heart attacks, when Lucifer ran over a gang of geese. But somehow they reached the Hall without any Godly electricity of judgment falling upon them.
The Hall of Judgment seemed relatively under-budget compared to the golden gated and stairs. It was a giant size Cathedral, almost as big as the St. Peter’s basilica in Vatican City. In front of it was a rectangular patio, which covered with concrete and artificial grass. Playing on it were a few peacocks. At the center of the patio, was a miniature fountain, which looked like a highly uncensored version of sexual interaction between an Archangel and a human.
‘Aren’t that you Mike?’ Satan smiled as he pointed towards the statue.
‘It is a long story.’ Michael looked down, almost embarrassed.
‘I’ll have a lot of time after tonight’s victory.’
The lot of eight entered into the mega-structure. The entrance was like a narrow tunnel, lighted by tiny statues of naked she-angels holding fire torches.
‘I never knew God had fetish among these stuff.’ Asmodeus spoke, breaking the silence.
‘Says the demon of Lust.’ Michael couldn’t hold his tongue.
‘I got over my naked-statue-fetish. Your God has a long way to go.’
After walking, what almost seemed like eternity, the group finally saw the opening of the entrance.
‘Seriously, not a good way to welcome guests.’ Lucifer commented.
The room beyond the entrance was a tiny pre-entrance room. Lying at the door of the Hall of Judgment were two low-ranked angel, probably drunk. Michael wanted to face-palm, but his hands were captured by Leviathan.
‘Let me.’ Satan raised his right arm and pointed towards the guards. At first they budged a little, then they slowly crept near each other and hugged themselves. Then they started shivering, until they finally woke up and started hitting each other like crazy.
‘What did you…?’
‘Nightmares. My specialty.’
The angels notice the group after settling their fight. It looked like a draw. They were about to take their spears and chase away the group, but then they noticed the constricted Michael and stopped in their tracks.
‘Archangel M-Michael?’ one of them managed ‘Why are you all t-tied up?’
‘Oh,’ Satan answered ‘We were playing tag. Your Archangel lost. Can’t you see?! He is our hostage! Go and inform your Almighty loather that the Seven Princes of Hell have arrived with a home delivery.’ ‘How dare you insul…’
Before the angel could finish his sentence, he was vaporized in a flash. What was left of him were a few floating feathers. The other angel’s eyes bulged out in horror. His partner, who stood right beside him, was completely vanished in a matter of milliseconds. He turned towards Satan with his comical expression.
‘Oops! I guess I missed by a little,’ he smiled ‘anyhow, before I rectify my mistake, bring that Coot out here!’
The puny angel pushed the doors with his skinny body but the door didn’t budge. He expectantly looked at the gang for some help.
‘Oh come on!’ Satan sounded pissed ‘We might go in there as well, that Oldie might as well be bedridden with back-pain. Let’s move in people!’
‘The door looks like it opens with hydraulics.’ Lucifer said ‘it can be only opened from the inside.’ ‘Shouldn’t the Hall of Judgment be a bit more spirit-friendly?’ Asmodeus sounded puzzled. ‘S-sorry to say,’ the guard muttered ‘it is not the Hall of Judgment. That is a little far from here.’ Everyone glared at Michael.
‘What?’ Michael protested ‘I never said it was! Plus I don’t exactly live here so I don’t know much.’
‘Don’t tell me you guys sleep in the garden?’
‘No-no, we have our own quarters on the second tier of Garden of Eden. It is kind of like a staff only area, that’s why no one ever wrote about it or something.’
‘It wasn’t there when I was an Archangel! I used to sleep at the foot of the God’s throne or something…’
‘It was there from even before we were created, so I guess no one informed you…’
‘What the… anyhow, what exactly is this place?’
The guard answered:
‘It is God’s personal mansion. He spends his entire time here.’
Satan looked at Michael.
‘Modesty.’
The inside of the mansion even fancier than its exteriors. There was a dome like structure at the top. A replica of “The last supper” was beautifully crafted in the dome. At the furthest corner of the painting which was still incomplete, an old man was drawing something. He was sitting on a chair, which was elevated by clouds.
‘Don’t tell me he is…’ Lucifer couldn’t believe his eyes.
‘It is Michelangelo. Or at least his spirit you could say.’ The guard answered ‘He was creating a nuisance by drawing worthless graffiti on the walls of the Land of Old Geezer, so God asked him to draw something on the dome which was empty for ages. He looked quite happy after that.’
‘Excuse me,’ Satan spurted out ‘but we are not middle-scholars here on a field trip. Do you mind continuing to escort us to God’s bedroom?’
‘You guys can proceed,’ Lucifer interrupted ‘but I am kind of’ his fan, so I’ll catch up with you guys later.’
Everyone continued, while Lucifer stretched his wings and flew toward the genius artist.
After walking for a little while, climbing a few million stairs and then taking few re-tours, the group finally reached the God’s bedroom. It looked pretty regular from the outside. It was sliding door with a “welcome” mat laid in front.
‘Damn! I wonder how the Old-man remembers this hell of a route.’ Even Belphegor sounded tired. Beelzebub was completely drained to even talk. Asmodeus was giving him piggy-back ride.
‘You can go and grab us a coffee now,’ Satan ordered the angel. He ran for his life. ‘Now it is time for us to go in! Guys, remember to greet your condolences if He is sick or something. Whatever happens, don’t forget the manners. Even though He is a loon by now, he is still the Almighty. He can very well turn us into pigs if we misbehave. It is His territory, and our power is much lower that His’ right now. Got that?’
Everyone nodded.
‘On the count of three then.’ Satan settled his firm hand on the doorknob.
‘One.’
‘Two.’
‘Three!’
The group couldn’t have been surprised anymore. What they expected was a tiny cellar like room with jail-bed at the furthest corner. Lying on it would have been the God, staring at the ceiling with oblivion in his eyes.
The reality was-
A gigantic room with a glass roof, allowing ample of sunlight. There was a huge swimming pool at the center, which was filled with beauties of all nationalities. Engaged in a water volleyball tournament was a guy in his twenties. With sharp feature and a six pack body, he played liked like a pro, with his blonde hairs dangling in a rhythm, which could very well be enlightenment. All the NPC girls were cheering for the blonde, who occasionally turned and threw flying kisses the women.
The group had their jaw almost touching the pits of purgatory. Their eyes were almost about to pop out.
‘WHAT THE FU*#ING HEAVEN!’
With Satan shouting the top of his voice, the Blonde finally looked at us. Unfortunately, that was enough for him to miss the ball. As the ball landed on the water, the water nymphs somehow started looking more devilish than usual. They glared at the intruders, which being Satan and his party and honestly, they were kind of intimidated. Before the nymphs crawled out of the water, the referee attracted their attention.
‘Infinity-1.’
‘Let’s take a little break, I am kind of tired.’ The blonde gave wavering smile. Before the opponents or the nymphs could protest, the blonde snapped his fingers and the swimming pool cleared. No one except the blonde remained. He slowly climbed up the stair, taking full time to show off his rather dashing muscles and then proceeded towards his ex-attendant.
‘Oh, Stan! It is been such a long time. Where have you been?’
He picked up the towel and started rubbing his body in a seductive manner.
‘I guess he is talking to you, Stan.’ Satan pointed towards Michael.
‘Oh is that you Michael?’ the blonde winked and in milliseconds, he was draped in a purple pinstriped suit. ‘You shouldn’t be playing BDSM with strangers you know.’
Leviathan loosened from Michael’s body and regained his human-like form. He was rather astounded on his actions. As far as he knew, he never willed to get down from his position, and yet he was there, standing in front of the God.
‘By the way,’ Satan asked matter-of-fact-ly ‘Who are you? Michael, do you know this guy?’
Michael nodded with disapproval. It was centuries, since he entered the Garden of Eden, much less meet with God. But from his old days, he didn’t seem to remember anyone familiar.
‘What, seriously? The blonde sighed ‘Fine, this might help.’ He snapped his fingers.
His blond long hair turned white and rough. His clean shaved and manly face grew a giant white beard. His muscular and structural from turned lanky and stoop. Instead of his six packs, there was a wrinkled belly with ribs showing up. Basically, an old man in swimming trunks.
‘D-don’t tell me you are-’ Michael stumbled, almost in disbelief.
‘R-rip Van Winkle!’ Satan cried in excitement. ‘You are the fairy tale guy, right?’
The others muttered in agreement.
‘I AM GOD! The omnipotent almighty at your service! Remember me?’
‘Indeed you are, with that cranky and senile tone of yours, you indeed are the Old-man. Anyways, what have you been doing all these days in paradise? Protesting with Gandhi or something? You didn’t seem so out of health, the last time I saw you. And what was with that blonde volleyball player cosplay?’
‘You know, I am not really an old guy. I just portray myself like that to look wise and full of memories. That was my real form you could say.’
Satan burst out laughing. He almost fell on the floor in his hysterics. In due time Belphegor caught him, otherwise, it would’ve looked like was falling the God’s feet.
‘Sorry…’ Satan was still yet to recover ‘do you really think, people think that you look wise and intelligent in that get up. Well let me tell you, you only look like a cranky pantaloon to me!’
‘ENOUGH.’ God’s voice boomed throughout the room ‘Enough with my insults. Why are you here, I may ask, Satan?’
‘Oh yeah…’ he waited for a while with a proud smile in his face. He waited little more. His smile became uneasy and finally he turned back ‘Where is Lucifer? It is his role to explain stuff!’
‘Probably with Michelangelo.’ Beelzebub suggested.
Satan walked out of the room. His hands pumped. The five princes followed, along with Michael and God. They kept silent until they could see Michelangelo working on his painting. Lucifer was standing on the floor, typing vigorously in his phone.
‘It isn’t the time to chat with your girlfriend!’ Satan demanded ‘Explain why we all are here!’
‘Oh yes.’ Lucifer kept typing something. Without even looking up, he started ‘The obvious reason is that, we are here to claim the God’s throne from you. That’s like our eternal goal. Other than that, we are here to show off how strong we have become.’
‘Something is bothering me…’ Michael asked ‘How can you keep so calm and talk sarcastically with the
Lord? I mean, don’t you feel the strange destined fear you God, you demons are born with?’
‘We have Talisman.’ Lucifer took out a piece of paper with something scribbled on it and showed it to the crowd. ‘While you were sitting your throne and protecting the world, we were training in the depths of Himalaya. We were practicing Buddhism. We are qualified Shinto and Bodhisattva monks, after a severe training of twenty-two years and seven months. We even shaved our heads. Even now we are wearing wigs!’
Lucifer put down his phone.
‘We are the Buddhist Devils! Calm and composed like the Buddha himself! Evil and apocalyptic like the Satan himself.’
‘Buddham Sharanam gaccha ami.’ Satan chanted.
‘Buddham Sharanam gaccha ami.’ The others recited.
God rubbed his eyes in disbelief. Then he covered his mouth. He was not able to stop his laughter. Even though the others saw it, they didn’t bother. They were in the state of enlightenment. The complete cycle of Moksha.
‘To think that you devils would take such a measure just to fight against me is just hilarious.’ God was still laughing. It looked like he might burst his lungs, the way he was laughing. ‘But I am sorry to disappoint to. I am stronger than you think.’
‘My Lord!’ Michael raised his voice, and then after he realized whom he talking to, he lowered his voice almost to an apology. ‘Please don’t underestimate their determination. They worked so hard just for this.
I know, that you are all powerful, but consider giving them an easier and less humiliating defeat.’
There were tears in Satan’s eyes. But he couldn’t understand that whether they were of happiness that his brother, Archangel Michael was taking their stance or angry for the fact that he was deliberately underestimating their power and then speaking sarcastically.
‘But there is another motive of us that our leader, the fallen angel Satan doesn’t know of.’ ‘Is there?’
‘Apart from stealing your throne, we also want to get rid of our bloody leader!’ before Satan could react, Lucifer pointed his smartphone towards the trio of Satan, Michael and God. As he swiped his hand over the screen, a beam of blue light emerged from the flash of the smartphone and fell on the trio.
‘PICTURE PERFECT!’ Lucifer had a hungry smile on his face ‘That is what I call it!’
The three of them stood like a statue in their position of surprise and anger. They were stuck there, as if in a photo. The other surrounded them with grim smiles on their.
Why? Satan’s mind was completely destroyed by the betrayal. Why did you do this to me? I have always been a good friend and a leader to you. Where did I go wrong?
‘Satan,’ the weak and meekly Behemoth spoke up with his enormous voice ‘or I may say Shaitan? You have always said us one thing- the Gods ruled for too long. That is why we must take over. But unfortunately, we must say- it is too long for you too brother!’
‘Even if the Almighty has always viewed over the mankind, you have always ruled over the carnal and desires of someone in their heart.’ Beelzebub cursed ‘We were either portrayed as your incarnation or a mere tool to your job. But, we are more than that.’
‘We even went through that horrible training for twenty years!’ Lucifer’s eyes were filled with filth ‘It hurt my pride like barbed wires, but I endured it. Because I had my plans. I had my desires that could easily destroy that experience like a bad nightmare.’
‘We knew,’ Belphegor chimed in ‘that you cannot be easily captured if you were in your old apocalyptic form. So slowly, we influenced your mind. That is what we do, right? Influence people’s minds that travel through purgatory. At the end you were also a resident of purgatory. It was easy for us to influence you that if we are calm and enlightened, we would win.’
‘While you did your training with utmost patience,’ Asmodeus was next ‘we slacked off. He influenced the monks to train you harder and allow us to flunk, without you know. That is how we maintained our evil. And however hurt we may be to say this, but at the end, you became good!’
‘The words of encouragement you said to us, to enrage us, sounded more and more like you were worried about the old God over-working himself. That’s all remained of you. A Satan without Shaitan is meaningless.’
Satan’s eyes watered. He was about to break down. Was I really becoming good? He didn’t realize that his mind was yet again influenced. He was made to believe that, he, indeed became good.
‘Since now you three are stuck in my Picture Perfect,’ Lucifer continued ‘Beel, move the oldie a little away. I am going to obliterate these two for thousands of years. But since you are immortal, you would eventually take birth again. But we will kill you again. We promise, leader. As for the God, we still have a few questions for him.’
Lucifer raised his right arm. A ball of blinding light accumulated there. It got compressed, until it radiated the power similar to that of nuclear bomb. Probably thousands times more. Without further hesitation, he threw the ball at Michael and Satan. A wave of light exploded the room with blinding light.
‘Goodbye!’ everyone scream, as they bid farewell to their leader. ‘Sleep for thousand years before taking birth again.’
It was a dark room. Completely dark. Completely free of Lucifer’s light. Sitting at the middle of the darkness was a black winged man. He had no cloths, only clouds of darkness to cover his body that occasionally shifted, to reveal his beautifully tattooed back. The tattoo was that of a three headed tyrant, who popularly called the Black Death around the sixteenth century. It represented the widespread plague that spread all over Europe, killing thousands of people. The Catholics made the common people believe that it was the work of Satan, but in reality, Satan had no hand in it. It was completely the work of Beelzebub. Even though people confuse between them, in reality they were not similar. They were each other’s companions, friends, rather partner in crimes. They were somewhat a picture of each other, like all other Princes of Hell. But they were completely different.
Yes. Satan thought. We were different. Each one of us was different. Probably, that is why they betrayed me. At the end we all were separate from each other.
Don’t fret over it. An angelic voice filled the dark room. They were just young bastards, who thought, they could take over the power of the older forces. They are nothing but delinquents, who deserve an ass-wrecking thrashing. That’s all.
These words of hatred don’t suit you Michael. Satan looked up. A ray of light descended from the top and fell on Satan.
Take my hand. Michael spoke again. Let’s beat the hell out of them. But before that, let’s have breakfast.
Satan raised his hand. The light enveloped around his hand and sucked him towards the origin of the light. I am hungry.
‘Then let’s eat.’
Michael was sitting beside Satan, who was lying flat on a queen sized bed. By the looks of it, the room belonged to a middle school girl. It had pink wall papers and stuffed toys all around. But there was a huge poster of Satan on the wall. It said- ‘‘Let there be darkness.’’
‘Where are we?’ Satan sounded confused and a little dazed.
‘New York. Downtown, Manhattan.’ Michael replied. Satan noticed that Michael was missing his wings. Satan touched his back and sure enough, he was also missing his wigs. He got up and stretched a little.
‘Where are our wings?’
‘I used a sealing magic to mask our tremendous flow of power. It was safety measure.’
‘How many years have passed? Wasn’t the world supposed to be destroyed in a couple of hundred years or so?’
‘2099. 84 years have passed in a flash.’
‘Just 84? I believe, Lucifer’s beam was strong enough to knock us for thousands of years.’
‘I thought so as well. But I have a possible explanation. But before that, let’s get down and have our breakfast. I am hungry like a glutton!’
The two opened the door. Right after it, was a staircase. The second they set foot onto it, it started moving like an escalator and took them down. After passing tidy toilet and few unoccupied rooms, they reached the dining area. A young girl (around 17) was sitting there and enjoying a cup of coffee. She had blonde locks and was wearing a pink night suit.
‘You’re alive?’ she asked without any fluctuation of emotion.
‘Alive and kicking!’ Satan answered enthusiastically. ‘Who is this girl?’
‘Apparently, our savior. She said, she picked us up, while taking out trash.’
‘You two were lying flat on the backdoor of our kitchen.’ She sipped at the cup ‘I thought, you two needed some help, so I took you in.’
Satan scratched his head. At least he tried to; until he found out that his head was utterly bare. In horror, he patted his head and then checked his pockets. ‘It is gone?’
‘What?’ Michael tried to hide his grin.
‘M-my wig! It is gone! Girl, did you find any piece of head-dress material from where you picked us up?’
‘No wig.’ The girl promised ‘I promise you. I found you somewhat bald.’
‘You wore a wig?’ Michael finally burst out. ‘I thought you guys were kidding about the head-shave stuff!’
‘Those monks had some kind of anti-ever-hair-growing razor. After one harvest, my jungle never grew back. It is been three years since.’
‘Anyways who are you people? When I asked this handsome, he said he would only reveal it, after you wake up. It is been two days now, and I am starting to hesitate on my decision to take in two strangers. Shouldn’t we get to know each other?’
‘I am Sata…’
‘He is Stan and I am Mike. We, um… got a little lost. Who are you my dear?’
‘Call me Kill. I am Killian McDonalds.’
‘That’s a surprisingly pretty name! Kill. I love the sound of it.’ Satan’s eyes sparked with youthful aura. From a lot while back, he had a fetish on berserk-ish names. That probably being the reason, he named his only love, a pug- Plague. His heart started beating faster on hearing Kill’s devilishly pretty name. Apart from the name part, Kill also had a well maintained and proportionate body, with the face of an angel. Just the type. If Satan had a tail now, it could’ve destroyed all the upholstery by now.
I love to torture angels! Satan’s thoughts were racing. I am the greatest sadist after all!
‘It is been bothering me, but can I ask you something Kill?’
‘Sure.’
‘Are you single?’ Satan jutted in. He smiled weirdly.
‘Never in your life, Baldie!’ Kill showed him the Finger. ‘You were asking something, Mr. Mike?’
‘Call me Mike. Yes, I noticed, your parents are not here. I mean, you are hardly seventeen or something, aren’t you too young to live alone?’
‘I don’t live alone. My father is a mill-worker. He works seventeen hours a day, so he hardly comes home.’
‘Your mother?’
‘She is at the Satan’s harem.’
Satan nearly spat out his coffee. ‘The what?’
‘Satan’s harem. It is a national club, which recruits women of 18-35, for highly employed jobs. You don’t know about it? I’ll be joining that club this march.’
‘What kind of job?’ Michael’s eyes were turning red.
‘I don’t know. The recruits are meant to serve the employer, God Inc. till the day they die. Occasionally, they are given leaves but are not allowed to talk about their profession.’
‘It sounds as suspicious as the name.’ Satan glanced at Michael. They had the same thought- That son of a bitch Lucifer! ‘What exactly is this God Inc.?’
‘I don’t know, but it is supposedly some multibillionaire MNC or something. I mean all that matters it is money right? It has high wages, and it is kind of hard to accommodate without that kind of payment. All I know is that they organize yearly polls to recruit new employees to replace the deceases ones.’
Kill’s ignorant expression towards such a harsh life sounded more of a common day gossip. She put no expression, no sympathy, nothing in her words. They just came out.
Satan took a sigh. He finished his cup and went to the wash basin.
‘Kill, would you mind excusing us. We need a little smoke to recharge our minds.’
‘Yeah, sure.’ She went and handed her cup to Satan. Without another word, she went upstairs without another word.
Michael went up and joined Satan to wash his cup. At that moment he noticed something, he thought he would see. Satan was crying. His teardrops fell on the basin and turned stark white, like some kind of chemical reaction. Michael couldn’t say anything. He was too perplexed to talk. He kept quiet.
‘You know Michael,’ Satan wiped his tears. ‘Satan’s tears are some kind of strong elixir. I believe, it can even bring back the dead. But no one knows about it. Do you know why?’
‘Nobody ever saw you cry before.’
‘Yes. Nobody saw me cry before. Even if did, they would’ve never written anything good about the villain, right? But being the ruler of Underworld, I saw much more sorrow and pain than you heavenlydwellers did. I understand humanity, much more than you people do. Did you see the pain in Kill’s eyes? It was disguised, yet obvious. She was almost in tears but couldn’t cry. This forced suppression of feeling is eating her from the inside.’
‘And why does it bother the Devil of wrath, who lived his entire life struggling for revenge, driven by anger?’
‘She is my reflection. The same thing happened to me, when God separated me from you and Gabriel. I cried on the inside, but I put up a harsher front to comply with my demand of revenge. It ate me until I was so nullified that nothing but anger and darkness drove me. But she has a chance to regain her happiness. I can feel somewhere inside of her, a ray of flickering hope.’
‘And do you know why it is happening?’
‘Lucifer.’
‘Let’s take a smoke.’ Michael smiled.
‘I am Buddhist.’
‘Nope. You are the Buddhist Devil. I guess you have some perks of your own, right?’ ‘Guess so.’ Satan smiled.
The outside was cold. Colder for an average New York summer night. The two walked on an alley beside the McDonalds’ residence. Neither of the two was smoking. They were too busy to witness the wrath of Lucifer. The average Manhattan district was almost like it was 84 years ago. But there was no one on the street. Leave alone human, there wasn’t even a single animal.
Every house was enveloped by darkness. In a street, which never used to sleep, there was complete sense of slumber and laziness reeking. Even though the windows of the houses were lit by electrical appliance, none of them was touched by the candlelight of faith. Even in the pollution-filled atmosphere, every drop of carbon was radiating negative vibes. People were suffering. But they had no one to pray to. Their God was displaced from his throne.
‘I understand now.’ Satan looked at the opaque clouds as the two of them sat on the middle of the once-busy road. ‘I understand why people needed Him, more than they needed me. I understand why you protect the omnipotent Old-man with all of your life.’
‘It is hard to imagine a spiritual journey faced by Lord Satan.’ Michael mocked.
‘It is sad. Sad without Him. Even I can I feel the lurking sorrow. This world… it is not as I imagined it would be, when the Devil would rule. Apart from revenge, the Devil’s true motive was to escape from the depressive environment of purgatory.’
‘And this place has become one, right? I wonder what might be the condition down there now.’
‘It is good. Mother Hell is in peace. Since there is no faith in this world, people are obliged to be influenced by fear. And this fear brings the greatest discipline in mankind. As no one is committing any crime, no one is going to hell. It fact it is much more peaceful than this chaotic environment.’
Satan sat up and started walking towards the direction of one of the most magnificent buildings made by humans. The Empire State Building. As he reached the foot of the gigantic structure, he opened his T-shirt and concentrated until a pair of black wings rested upon his back. Flapping his wingspan, a black angel floated towards the top and sat on the surmounted pole-like structure.
Michael followed and sat at the edge of the building. He saw, what Satan was seeing. What used be the Statue of Liberty, was now nothing but a pair of bipedal legs on the middle of New York, surmounted by a giant castle. The castle radiated Lucifer’s pride. The part around the legs, which was supposed to be a cheerful area, was now a dark colony with millions of burning chimneys and thousands of tiny housing complexes. The clouds of carbon monoxide released from the chimneys were forming a somewhat translucent barrier across the castle.
‘Everyone’s faith…’ Satan spoke ‘it is burning like those millions of chimneys.’ He looked at Michael, ‘I understand why you fight against us. You don’t do this to protect Him; you do this to protect that. You do that to protect the faith of humanity. However strong and omnipotent the god is, he is nothing in front of the faith of the billions of living beings in this world. This fragile and easily manipulative faith is the sole power to the Almighty. Without this faith, He would be as weak as Mohammad Ali in front of Goku.’
‘It is good to hear that you understand. But the last line, kind of, umm… ruined the epicness. But don’t underestimate God even without faith. He would still stand somewhere near Vegeta.’
‘See,’ Satan smiled ‘you accepted that you watched Dragon Ball.’
‘Yeah, yeah… anyhow, let’s go back. Kill might think we got lost again.’
Michael and Satan flew together, debating over a hot topic about who defeated Cell. They landed just outside Kill’s backdoor and retracted their wings. Before they could put on their shirt, the backdoor opened.
For the rest of the night, the duo kept up to clarify Kill, about what exactly they were doing with their shirts off in her backyard.
It was morning already. Michael and Satan were damn tired. While they tried to clear out their name from a homosexual act, Kill created a façade and slept peacefully in her room. By the time Michael realized that they were talking to a giant teddy bear draped in blankets along with an antique tape-recorded, it was already half-past seven. Exhausted, the duo tried to get a good-morning sleep, Kill waked them up and made them do random chores.
‘And I was crying last night for that ungratefully sexy bitch!’ Satan complained while vacuumed the entire kitchen area.
‘At least make your insults a little less complimentary.’ Michael looked pissed off as well. Being an angel, he was good at anger-management, but seriously, he never met a woman on par with Kill. By the way, he was washing Kill’s dirty laundry.
They continued their work in silence for a while. Kill was out for her morning walk. As Michael rinsed the last piece of cloth, Satan enthusiastically asked him-
‘Any lingerie in there?’
‘A few, but I put them in the washing machine first.’
Satan made a facial expression similar to someone, who survived the Ice-bucked challenge for an entire day. It was somewhat a hybrid between a bulldog and orangutan.
‘Someday,’ Satan finally regained his cool ‘I will kill you.’
‘Yeah sure. First have the guts to propose to her.’
‘Damn! You owned this conversation, but don’t worry, I’ll get back with something more insulting.’ ‘Best of luck.’
Around that afternoon, the three assembled at the dining table. Kill was wearing her regular- a hot pant with a loose T-shirt. Satan and Michael were in their boxers. The days were sub-Saharan hot and the nights were Arctic cold. These extreme weather patterns were a result of almost unbreathable air pollution, clogging up the atmospheric layers.
‘It is so hot…’ Satan slammed his head into the table ‘how can you people survive this climate?’
‘You could say, we have adapted to it.’ Kill answered.
‘Kill, I have something to ask you.’ Michael managed.
‘Before that, you washed my undergarments properly?’ Kill asked with a straight face.
Satan’s death glare immobilized Michael. But he instantaneously recovered.
‘Yes ma’am…’
‘Good. You were asking something Mike?’
‘Yeah. What happened to the statue of liberty?’
‘The what?’
‘That crowned she-statue with the fiery ice-cream cone.’ Satan replied, trying to act cool.
‘We are ignoring this bug, right?’ Kill stared at Michael.
Satan suddenly had suicide tendencies. But his spurt suddenly changed into homicidal one. He picked up the knife and tried to throw it at Michael, who promptly dodged it. Satan gritted his teeth and banged his head on the table again.
‘That statue was mechanically lifted and relocated a few years before my birth. The head of God Inc. did some minor adjustments and his Liberty Palace was erected on it. Some say he is there. Some say, he is in the Japan HQ.’
‘There is a miniature city around it…’
‘That’s called the Mynecraft. All workers do all kinds of construction or demolition job there. My father is one of them. The Satan’s Harem is somewhere inside there as well.’
Michael was shocked for the moment. But it wasn’t because of the information he was receiving. He punched Satan in the arm. When he arose from his depression, his expression changed as well.
‘Anything wrong?’ Kill demanded ‘I put the lipstick wrong?’
‘Just keep calm cupcake… ’ Satan made a weird smile, as he slowly sat up.
‘Who are you calling a cupcake?’ Kill sounded pissed, though her expression remained calm ‘Go kiss your cupcake mother.’
‘It is Leviathan.’ Satan managed. ‘Killian, try not to move.’
‘Who is that motherfu*#er?’ Kill stood. ‘And don’t talk to me you bug! Your mere existence is making me crap in my pants. Why shouldn’t I move? Am I your bitch-machine, you thumb-sucking bastard?’
‘She got quite some guts to talk to you like that, Satan.’
Kill froze solid. The voice came from her back. Not from behind her, but from her back. She felt something move inside her shirt. Slowly a tentacle like object approached her chest, but before it could make contact, Kill snapped from her fear and grabbed hold of Leviathan’s neck, which was partially showing itself from the neck-hole of the loose fitting T-shirt.
‘You dared to touch me, reptilian bastard!’
She dragged the snake out of her shirt and whipped it on the table. It cracked into two. Leviathan turned to his real form. A six foot three blonde, who looked just like one of those age old heavy-metal singers with strange piercings and a raised eyebrow.
‘Let me handle that!’ Michael tried to control the situation, before Kill made Leviathan poop in his pants.
‘Stan, can you take her upstairs?’
‘Come with me honey.’ Satan looked somewhat amazed at Kill’s sense of bad language. He was giving a meeky smile. Another one of his fetishes. The girl gets better and better. ‘Don’t touch me, you piece of raped gasoline! You will give me measles.’
‘I am sorry, but please come upstairs, it is something that you can’t solve.’ ‘I’ll stay here!’
‘GO UPSTAIRS!’ Satan unexpectedly raised his voice.
There was a little pause. Kill looked towards her feet. ‘If you are going to be pushy…’
She disappeared upstairs. Satan looked Martian with his crimson red embarrassed face. But inside he was boiling with hormones. All the twenty two years he studied to gain the path of enlightenment vanished in an instant. His Buddhist guru Gin-san always said him one thing- to reach the light of enlightenment isn’t easy, but to maintain it is much harder.
Well Gin-san, Satan thought go to hell! I have already fell in love. A sadist on the outside. A masochist on the inside… I am loving this!
‘Why are you here Leviathan?’ Michael promptly asked.
‘Brother!’ Leviathan cried out before clinging onto Satan. ‘I am sorry! I wasn’t informed of the plan. If I knew, I would’ve stopped Lucifer by all means.’
Satan was a bit surprised. ‘Why are you here?’
‘I tracked you down from the smell in your wig, I found a few days ago.’
‘Why did you attack Kill?’ Michael questioned.
‘I didn’t attack her, I just used her to reach to you. She was practically reeking with your smell when I saw her today morning. She probably slept with you or something right?’
‘Slept with me?’ Satan looked a bit confused.
‘While you were unconscious, you slept in her room, while she slept down here. Probably yesterday, when she slept in her bed, your odor intermixed with hers.’
‘Shit, you are talking disgusting man!’ Leviathan argued, but somehow Satan looked turned on. ‘What happened to you?’ Michael pointed at a huge scar, running across Leviathan’s face.
‘Lucifer did this to me, 84 years ago, when I got in a fight with him because he didn’t inform me beforehand. From that time, I have been in an exile. Running as a renegade. I have seen what kind of destruction Lucifer has caused in all these years. He even revealed the existence of God and claimed himself to be one. The world army tried to stop him, but he single-handedly wiped them out. You are our only hope left.’
‘He revealed the existence of Gods?’ Michael looked shocked.
‘Yes. That caused a lot of ecological and psychological disorder, among the followers of God. People whose wishes or revival prayers weren’t granted, tried to put the blame on Lucifer. So around 80 years ago, he launched a troop led by Beelzebub to demolish anyone who opposed Lucifer. So, when faith turned into fear, the Catholics learnt it the hard way and millions died. Vatican City was completely eradicated from this world. There is no believer left in this world.’
‘That’s terrible.’ Satan stroke his chin. ‘How strong has he become?’
‘Very strong. As people started fearing him, the number of Satanists increased. With their belief, he is almost invincible.’
‘Don’t they worship Satan?’ Michael interrupted. ‘I mean then Satan should be empowered, and not
Lucifer.’
‘It doesn’t work that way with us devils,’ Satan mumbled ‘since we all are somehow related to each other’s powers or existence, if I am worshipped, Lucifer would be empowered. So would be Leviathan, Beelzebub or any other. But most of the energy would come to me, since I am the real Satan and I am the strongest. But since I learnt Buddhism, my consciousness is blocked by my chakra that is sealing away any influence from the devil. But it is good in one way. Lucifer cannot detect me unless I remove my barrier and absorb my true share of power.’
‘So would you …’
‘Wait a second!’ Michael interrupted ‘How can we believe in you? You weren’t betrayed like we were.
Probably you are following some kind of plan to help us get captured.’ ‘He is saying the truth.’ Satan assured the truth.
‘How can you be so sure? He has tricked you once. He can trick again.’
‘I never tricked anyone!’ Leviathan cried.
‘Being Satan doesn’t only ensure me with job of deep frying all the sinners,’ Satan stopped Leviathan, who was about to punch Michael. ‘I am a determiner, whether the person really repents his crime or is just trying to get away depends on me. I have been entrusted with the power that if anyone lies in my presence, he will burn to ashes and reformed to be burnt again. Since I send people through eternal punishment until they really repent their crime, I am Satan. The devil. What everyone can’t see is how I discipline all the lowest of the bugs in the world. He is saying the truth.’
‘Then how are we supposed to kick Lucifer’s ass?’
‘I will have to break my boundaries created under the presence of Lord Buddha.’
‘And how are you supposed to do that?’
‘By breaking lose my internal concealed desires. Kill, I think you have heard enough, right?’
Kill emerged from the shadows of the staircase. She was looking down towards the ground.
‘Tell me something Kill,’ Satan asked.
‘W-what do you want bug?’ she sounded somewhat embarrassed.
‘Do you want to go Satan’s Harem?’
‘I will meet my mother there…’
‘Do you want to go?’
‘No… I don’t want to go there please save me!’
‘I got this.’
Satan softly held Kill’s chin and raised it to see Kill’s pretty face. She had blue dazzling eyes. Before she could react, Satan kissed him. Tears rolled down his cheek. Kill’s eyes bulged out in surprise. She tried to, but she couldn’t push him away. When Satan removed his lips, a pair of dark wingspan stretched all across the room. Kill backed away in surprise.
‘W-what are you doing, Satanic bug?’
‘I am going to get your parents and give you a normal life.’ Satan said. ‘I will make the wrong, right. I will change my mistakes and bring you back your youth. Then I would come again and propose my love to you. I know, you would change. Probably not as masochist as now, but will still remain my beautiful
Kill, right? Would you wait for me?’
‘Get lost, asshole… and I am not a masochist.’
Michael stretched his wing, along with Leviathan. Three of them went outside and flapped their wings to rise into the polluted sky. Satan waved back at Kill, who returned with the Finger.
‘Let’s make a grand entry in Lucifer’s castle!’
‘Yeah!’
‘I am sorry to remind you sir,’ Leviathan pointed towards Satan’s hairy legs ‘but, making a grand entry in shorts is kind of impossible even for you, sir.’
‘Grand entry isn’t measured by the pants one wears. It is measured by the wearer of the pants.’ ‘That’s one of the weirdest thought I have ever heard.’ Michael declared.
The saviors of the day flew across the carbon-blocked sky to vanish in the polluted horizon. Kill sat down on her knees. Tears fell from her eyes and hit the grass. I will make you pay for making me cry! Then she smiled with her tears of joy. After you kick the ass of that Lucifer!
‘Oh you don’t need to wait that long.’ A voice spoke from behind. Kill turned in horror.
Satan’s body was whizzing with a miraculous strength. He almost turned hyperactive enough to control it. He flew in circles around his flying party and spanked Michael before retaking his position. Michael tried to maintain his distance from Satan. The dark aura radiating from him was too much to for that poor angel. Satan himself looked like we would pop any minute.
‘What’s this energy?’ Satan’s head buzzed, misaligning him from his path, but he got back on his trail. ‘I can’t control it.’
‘It’s the power of your share that was getting divided among us all this time.’ Leviathan answered. ‘It won’t be long before Lucifer realizes that someone has stolen a significant amount of his energy.’
‘It’s the power of fear, eh?’ Satan grinned ‘That’s why I love terrorizing people.’
‘Dude,’ Michael rested his hand on Satan’s shoulders.
‘S..sorry… this enormous amount of power is distracting my morale. I’m getting a little drawn to my darker side, since I’m not a Buddhist anymore; Lord Buddha’s composure is lifting from me.’
‘So you are turning evil again?’
‘Being Satan, I can never give on being evil, right? When I chose the path of non-violence, my ulterior motive still was to overthrow God. I never meant to become good. Satan the redeemer doesn’t really suit right? But don’t worry, it’s something like an adrenalin rush to me. Once I take care of Lucifer, I’d once again become a monk. This time, for good.’
‘You can’t.’ Leviathan interrupted ‘You can’t leave us in that burning place, while you chill at the Himalayas. We need you more than anyone. You can understand what happened to Lucifer back then, don’t you? He was just like what you are now. Overflowing with power and acknowledgement, when science became the new religion of mankind, his mind was effect by the Evil, just like yours now. As a fellow destroyer and under-worldly minion, I think you know what he might feel.’
‘I would still become a Buddhist. And this time I’d convert you all with me. I’d personally keep my watch so that you cannot flunk the classes and reach enlightenment for sure.’
‘What about the underworld duties?’
‘We would leave that to the other folks. Hades out there is suffering from acute trauma because the Greek population has drastically reduced, along with its fu*#ed up economy. I would send him the mail for handling double duty. He would be happy like hell. And then are other gods of death as well. Osiris is literally an old drunkard now. We will burden him some employment and he would flourish once again. Plus the dead and deceased souls would get to see something more interesting than severe deep-frying in their afterlife. It would be good change. So my plan benefits all, right?’
Michael and Leviathan nodded, though they still looked confused about it.
‘Land ho!’ Michael cried as he saw a giant pillar of fire hovering towards them with miraculous speed. Beyond that, he could see a gigantic castle, as large as ten times the White House, except in black. On its walls were all kinds of ballistic weapons.
‘Let me handle that. I need to waste some power, or else by brain would pop.’
Satan raised his hand. A giant bolt of dark lightning intercepted the flame pillar and vaporized it. The bolt split into several branched streams and landed on most of the ballistae, before it could launch a full-scale attack.
‘Impressive.’ Michael showed a thumbs up.
‘It’s not over yet.’ Leviathan declared. ‘A large robotic aerial fleet would soon be engaged to captivate us. I would suggest you two to break into the castle, while I take care of the robots.
‘Rest in pieces my brother.’ Satan prayed to Leviathan before he and Michael dived towards the castle.
‘Hey! At least wish me luck asshole!’ Leviathan shrieked, but the duo was already at optimum velocity to hear to any of Leviathan’s crap.
Satan launched another bolt of dark lightning, which created a large hole into the southern wall of the castle. The two of them landed with safety as they heard Leviathan fighting high up into the sky. The two looked at each other and nodded, before dashing through the dark hallway.
‘What kind of Fu*#end up maze is this man?’ Michael couldn’t hold his godly patience and spoke out unholy words.
‘It seems like we are running on Daedalus’ Nutsack.’ Satan considered.
‘That sounded horribly offensive.’
‘No-no! It’s the name of Daedulus’ greatest invented maze- the Nutsack. According to satanic folk tales, this one was even more confusing than the one he built for King Minos.’
‘Why the name?’
‘I don’t know. Apparently it has some connection to its exit. The satanic folktales say nothing…’
‘Satanic folk tales? Are you kidding me? What the hell is that?! Moreover this entire shit is Greek fiction! It’s got nothing to do with Catholics or Satanists!’
‘It does! The satanic folk tales are fan-fiction written as a parody of something that happened in real! I even read a digest which stated that King Alfred’s homicidal weapon was actually a whore assassin called Excalibur!’
‘You mean to say, that Lucifer based this entire castle on some crazy fan-fiction posted on the net?’
‘It is sometimes published in magazines as well.’
‘Screw you!’ Michael dashed forward, where the road split into two. He chose the left path and Satan followed. He was having hard times, keeping up with the hormone-flushed angel.
‘You know what,’ Satan took a pause for some breath ‘I’m not queer, so technically you can’t screw me.’
Michael abruptly stopped. Satan crashed onto his muscular back and bounced back.
‘Hey!’ Satan shouted ‘Now don’t think about raping me! I will kill you!’
‘Shut up virgin.’ Michael said in a hushed voice. Satan’s mind completely shattered into pieces. If there was a word that could really upset Satan that was what exactly Michael said. Being the guardian of the last layer of hell, he never really enjoyed and good time with women. He could’ve very well banged the female spirit, but most of the females that go to hell were so badly pierced or tattoo-ed that Satan had nightmares about them, much less sleep with them. Intercourse, which was considered a heavenly pleasure, was never the league for Satan. But in the gang of the seven prices, only he and Beelzebub were virgins and that also because women consider Beelzebub under-age.
‘If you are going to call me that and tease me, then I may very well give you the opportunity to be my first…’ Satan’s inner masochist captured his larynx and made him say that.
‘Can’t you shut up?’ Michael stared in front ‘And bro, that was seriously mind-destroying shit that you just said.’
Satan kept quiet and stared to where Michael was staring at. In front of them stood three giant, gilded doors. Each had a statue engraved into it with slight differences. The middle one was a giant replica of the famous Heracles lifting a huge globe, but instead of the face of a handsome it had the face of a mask which was divided from two- a happy side and a sad side.
‘That is a mask of Janus.’ Michael whispered.
‘It probably indicated a trapped crossroad. If we chose the correct door, then only we will get out of the maze correctly, or we would just end up in the beginning.’
‘Or probably worse…?’
‘Or probably worse.’
The two of them instantly notice the correct door. The Hera-nus in extreme left had a nutsack hanging out of its gilded tunic.
‘That’s the correct one.’
‘Yep.’
The two of them applied every force they got and open that door. Ahead of them lay a pitch black path that couldn’t even be lit. Without further thoughts, the duo dashed into the darkness. Only seconds after that, they realized that what they ran into was actually an abyss. Without any air to spare, they fell headfirst in the abyss. Both of them were too scared to even remember that they were angels with a natural pair of wings. They just fell and fell and fell and fell and fell, until Satan realized that they had already stopped falling. Apparently the abyss was only a few meters long and the duo hallucinated it its superfied length. They realized they were sitting on pillows.
‘It really is the correct way.’
‘Yeah. Last time I checked, Doom didn’t really keep a pillow for anyone to fall into.’
‘Oh hello there!’ A suspicious looking fat boy sat on the floor with a Game Boy in his hand. He was sitting on a heap of junk food wrappings. Scattered all around him were scraps of random and rotten foods, starting from moldy pizza to a certain-kind-of-pizza-which-was-growing-a-plant-from-the-tomatoes-in-it. The fat boy was wearing something similar to a sumo loincloth with tattoos covering his entire body except his tiny head.
‘Who are you my over-sized friend, playing a lame-boy advance?’ Satan greeted.
‘You never forget your hyper-insulting sarcasm do you?’
‘How can I not, Juicy-fer?’ (BTW it’s a pun on Lucifer’s name.)
‘He is Lucifer?!’ Michael’s hear nearly stopped beating. ‘What happened to you?’
‘R-radiation.’ Lucifer’s blushing face definitely revealed his trial to protect his self-respect. ‘This place is too damn polluted.’
‘Don’t tell me you went to Hiroshima?’ Satan sarcastically smiled ‘The Fat-man had devastating effects there. Pun not intended.’
‘HOW IS THE PUN NOT INTENTED?’ Lucifer demanded, before he choked in his own words while swallowing a waffle. He showed a time-out and then coughed for about five minutes. Satan and Michael looked at each other and chuckled. ‘SHUT UP! Dare you insult me? I will eat you alive!’
This time Satan and Michael went hysterics and rolled on the floor laughing.
‘What more can you do, blob?’ Satan cried ‘Pan fry and then eat us?’
‘Or would you rather want us barbequed?’ Michael interfered.
‘Shut up both of you!’ Lucifer shouted. He tried to do something similar to belly dancing followed by a failed head-spin.
‘What are you trying to do?’ Satan sat up.
‘Can’t you see?’ Lucifer cried ‘I am trying to stand up! A little help anyone?’
Satan went and helped Lucifer up. He waved his hand and a hovering chair flew out of nowhere. With Satan’s help he sat there.
‘No seriously.’ Satan asked ‘What happened to you?’
‘He started over eating after his girlfriend dumped him.’ A voice spoke from above. The trio looked up. From above, descended a black-winged devil.
‘Beelzebub!’ Satan cried.
‘Hello brother,’ Beelzebub waved ‘and you Lucifer get your ass off the ground.’
‘What’s that?’ Lucifer scowled ‘Just because I am a bit immobile currently, doesn’t mean you can talk over me. Don’t forget that I can still freeze you.’
‘First get up on your feet,’ Beelzebub turned towards Michael and Satan ‘and then talk.’
Lucifer did some belly dance and then the head spin.
‘Anyways,’ he changed the topic ‘how did you wake up so early?’
Beelzebub snapped his fingers. A sofa set appeared out of nowhere and rested behind Michael and Satan. They sat down and sighed comfortably.
‘Yeah,’ Satan looked at Michael ‘You told me you had some kind of explanation. What is it?’
‘I think, we never died in the first place,’ Michael pointed and Lucifer ‘He is the angel of light, so his attack generally focuses on the element of light. Have you guys ever heard of the theory that if an object moves faster than the speed of light, it can skip time lines? In short it is the only possible hypothesis for time travel.’
‘You mean to say you time-travelled 84 years forward?’ Beelzebub sat near Lucifer on the floor.
‘Well it is scientifically possible.’ Lucifer considered ‘My Hyper Flush might’ve pushed you along with it, instead of burning you to smithereens. It’s kinda’ possible… yeah. Yes it is! Of course! My Hyper Flushed first hit Michael. He is kind of immune to light elemental moves and he pushed Satan along with it. Yes obviously it is possible! So that is how you escaped! Quite clever I must say!’
‘Well… it was your fault.’ Satan washed away all his crimes in one go.
‘Ok fine!’ Lucifer waved his hands and the sofa disappeared. Michael and Satan fell flat on the floor.
‘Sorry. Wrong spell!’
He once again waved his hand and this time a wall of fire engulfed him. It burned until it became blue.
The flame finally vanished revealing a dark scorched humanoid figure standing amidst a pile of burnt chips wrappers and gaming consoles. The burnt outer skin slowly fell apart revealing a newly born and in hidden chuckle.
‘Dude,’ Satan covered his smile ‘your bird is tiny!’
‘Hey!’ Lucifer covered his groin ‘You weren’t that abusive 84 years before!’
‘Sorry…’ Satan removed his vision ‘I’m sorry for your loss…’
Beelzebub snapped his fingers and a streak of wild cloth draped around Lucifer, turning into a biker jacket and faded jeans. His chest laid bare.
‘Anyways,’ Lucifer opened his arms like Christ the redeemer ‘weren’t you supposed to fight me and restore world order or something?’
‘How do you know?’ Michael raised his fist, it started glowing hot. ‘You weren’t supposed to know that!’
‘I was on a sting operation to look after Leviathan’s actions.’ Beelzebub barged in ‘But recently I noticed strange patterns in his movements when he suddenly found an unidentified object. I followed him henceforth, knowing his incredible sense of smell was on full loose. After tracking him for two days, I found him assaulting a woman. I followed him, until he led me to a tiny house, which was your hideout for the past two days. There I heard your “spiritual journey” crap.’
‘Where is Kill?’ Satan glared at Beelzebub. Somehow he felt that the glare through his fears. ‘Where is the woman?’
‘Oh, she is right here with us!’ Lucifer waved his hand and a platform rose from the ground. The upper part of the platform slowly turning until it came to halt with a sound similar to THUD! and a woman groaning with pain. Lucifer turned back to check the hydraulics.
‘What the…’
‘It appears the platform was too small for that lady. It banged on the woman’s head.’ Beelzebub informed. Satan stared blankly at Lucifer and Beelzebub. Michael controlled his grin. There was a distant muffled voice heard. Slowly, it was heard louder and clearer.
‘You sons of motherfu*#er! I’ll live roast your Lilliputian dicks and feed them to you…’
Lucifer stared at Satan. The words from his mouth were stolen. He pointed at the half-turned dais and then pointed at Satan. His expression was like she is your girl?
Satan faced away. Beelzebub ran and ripped open the terminal, increasing its size. The platform started to move properly. Within seconds, the entire frame of Kill was revealed. She was wearing her attire from the morning- loose T-shirt and hot pants.
‘T-there she is,’ Lucifer announced with very little enthusiasm. ‘Our secret weapon.’
Without any warning Kill kicked in Lucifer’s groin and he sat down on the floor, clutching his precious.
‘Beel, where is her leg restraint?’
‘I’m sorry sir, I could not find it.’
‘Then hold her god damn legs!’
Beelzebub approached and grabbed her legs.
‘Don’t you harass me!’ Kill shouted with rage ‘I will find your mother and dig her grave with your own filthy hands!’
Satan stared with astonishment. Apparently he was trying to form a thought. Michael snapped him from his semi-conscious slumber.
‘So where was I?’ Lucifer smiled and settled his jacket.
‘On your grandma’s grave, you mot…’
‘Beel, please can you shut her up?’
Beelzebub snapped his fingers and a white tape surrounded Kill’s mouth.
‘It’s a punishment,’ he smiled ‘when you will go home and try to remove it, you will have the worst possible waxing without wax.’
Kill’s eyes bulged out in horror and she tried to speak some highly disgrace slangs, but it was muffled under the tape. Satan tried to act heroic and save Kill, but Lucifer snapped his fingers and the result was a duct tape mummified Satan and Michael.
‘I love mummies! Moreover, I love duct tape!’ Lucifer walked near the fallen Satan and his comrade. Satan tried to say something, but only muffled voices came out. Lucifer ripped off the duct tape near him mouth.
‘Your fly is down idiot!’
Lucifer zipped his pants. Without hesitating he slapped Satan.
‘You know brother, the last time I killed you, I couldn’t do proper torture. But now I have plans. Plans formed over decades of playing anti-Satan games. I’ll clip your teeth, manicure you, and wax your wings and what not!’
‘What is the last game you played?’
‘Barbie: Make-up Satina.’
Beelzebub let out a muffled grin.
‘So let’s start with your torture… let’s see, what should we do first?’
‘Let’s play the psychological disturbia!’ Beelzebub suggested.
‘What’s that?’ Satan psyched.
‘Mental torture.’
Lucifer went and ripped off Kill’s loose shirt. Right in the center of her well maintain belly, there was a huge tattoo: I LOVE SATAN!
‘Ok… that was unexpected.’ Lucifer mumbled.
Kill tried to say something, but Lucifer slapped her across the face.
‘So, what would happen, if I try to disgrace her?’
Lucifer put his filthy hands on Kill’s body. He rubbed it hungrily across Kill’s stomach.
‘LUCIFER.’
Satan’s voice pieced through Lucifer’s mind. He blinked his eyes and flinched for a moment.
‘What was that?’ Lucifer asked, a little dizzy.
‘I call it FILTHY WORD. You know the opposite of Divine Words.’
In anger Lucifer stripped off Kill’s bra and slid his hand into it.
Satan duct tape erupted in smithereens.
‘Yes!’ Lucifer grinned ‘I want it! I want to see more of your mind-blowing power!’
‘Lucifer,’ Satan’s voice had a metallic double tone in it ‘do you know what torture is? Do you know what torture is?’
‘…’
‘It is an art. The art of creating so much terror in someone’s mind that, he begs for a quick death! It is the art to immobilize someone’s heart. That is how it is similar to love. It creates a burning feeling and then eats you from the inside until you have nothing similar to your previous self-left. And however it may hurt me to tell you, but I must, that you don’t know how to torture. What you did, the act of disgrace that you presented, in can only bring forward the feeling of anger. And now, I am angry.’
Satan slowly walked forward. Everything, including the ground that was in a radius to an inch to Satan’s body started melting.
‘You want to witness my power? You want to see how much I can torture someone? Very well. I will show you. One ticket to Lord Lucifer for a ride to hell.’
‘Beelzebub!’ Lucifer screamed. There was madness in his eyes. ‘Go and catch his bastard!’
After a little hesitation, Beelzebub proceeded towards Satan. It was his biggest mistake. Kill, using her acrobatic skill locked Beelzebub’s throat with her legs and dragged him down to the ground. Beelzebub couldn’t do anything, because Satan’s flames corrupted his minds and disabled him from doing anything. Lucifer fretted a little. Slowly Beelzebub’s wriggling stopped and he fell on the floor, unconscious.
‘You have an incredibly weak minion, my friend.’ Satan growled in a soft tone.
‘Don’t give me that crap, I can still destroy you!’ Lucifer cried out, though he was himself not sure of it. ‘I can defeat you as long as you are a Buddhist.’
‘Who said I am? Didn’t I break free from the hands of Lord Buddha, when I kissed Kill?’
‘You just kissed her! That in no way is lust or any other sin! You are still a Buddhist at the core!’
‘I committed a grave sin. Extremely grave. The sin of love. According to satanic online codebook, it is one of the greatest modern sins of mankind. Millions of people have gone to even a level of killing themselves, because they found it easier to die than live. Moreover, your charmspeak won’t work on me. If you are doing it alone I am too strong for you.’
‘That’s just random crap posted by death metal fans on some random satanic page, how can you just assume that love is a crime?!’
‘Because I believe in that, Motherfu*#er!’
Satan punched Lucifer straight on the face. His body erupted into flames and flew meters away.
‘All that is left of you is your mindless passion. I never expected you to overthrow the Almighty and create such a mess of this world. We are not devils, remember that. We are God’s enemies. Our ulterior motive isn’t to destroy humanity. We just want to show Him that we are capable of running this world better than Him. But you completely destroyed my ideals brother. For that I will show you that horror you. I will lead you to your path of damnation!’
Satan walked towards Lucifer, who desperately tried to run away.
‘Where are you? My brothers where are you? Come help me!’ Lucifer tried to run away only to realize he was trapped in his own fortress.
‘Don’t you see, none will come to your aid. They have their own carnal desires to fulfill. As far as I can tell, they are probably having a good time at Satan’s Harem. As for you, you are getting your ass kicked. If you can’t care about your family, how can you even care about each other? Look at the world you have created- there is a not a drop of love in there. There is only hunger. Hunger for more. But the hunger doesn’t ask for variety. It loves to take in the same kind of shit it has been taking in for years. Parents don’t love their children, men don’t love their wives. You have made them so hungry yet suppressed for love, that even when Satan himself proposed to a girl, she begged for his love! I never thought of any similar results of what you have done to this world Lucifer.’
‘Hey! Who fell for you Baldie? I’d rather drink toilet shit than kiss you!’ Kill commented.
‘Shut up babe, I already kissed and you and admit it, it wasn’t that bad. And BTW, how did you remove that tape from your mouth?’
‘Yeah! It was worse! Tasted like bullshit sushi! Yuck. How dare you kiss me while I was mentally weak you rapist?’
‘FYI, I’m still virgin.’
‘Hah! Like any girl would lose hers’ with you.’
‘Come on! I was giving some epic level of heroic dialogues. Don’t disturb me. So where was I? Yes. This world you have created, you completely turned it into hell. You are the angel of light, the god of science, I thought you would turn this world into more advanced, but look at what you have done. There is not a single shit of advanced equipment in this world. Everything is like as it was. Lame and classic. It turns out you have turned out to be an impressively shit of a ruler.’
‘Shut up you…’
Lucifer charged with a ball of light in his hand. Satan breathed out and the entire area got drowned into fire. The floor melted into magma. Along with Satan’s blue burning body, a pair of burning wings appeared. He looked like a phoenix. With tremendous speed, he soared high into the sky and dived to retrieve Kill and Michael. Lucifer drowned further down into the puddle of magma. He screamed and raised his hand for help. Satan clutched Kill and Michael’s body tighter and soared even higher until he reached the ceiling. Even if he was burning, somehow the flames seemed harmless to the hostages in his hand.
‘Don’t get too close to my chest…’ Kill protested.
‘I’m not interested in your tiny tits.’
‘What the…’
Satan looked down and snapped his fingers. The burning swirl of lava stopped and seeped into the ground. Only a scorched Lucifer was sitting there. Satan dived towards Lucifer, ready to kick him on the face, but before he could do so, Lucifer scream:
‘Brother, stop!’
Satan did likewise and stood mid-air with two overweight babies in his hand.
‘Give me one reason,’ Satan growled ‘that I should not send you to the darkest depths of hell.’
‘I’m immortal so I will return back in some time.’
‘…any…anything other than that?’
‘I can send you back in time, so that you can change the world like what it was before.’
‘Sounds fair enough. Do you even know how to do that?’
‘Somewhat. But I cannot guarantee that you would land in exactly the same time you want to. I mean it can be any time in future or long back in history. That, you must take as your own risk.
‘Fine. I agree to your risks but believe me, if you fuck up and the next time I see you, I will kill you for good.’
Lucifer gulped. ‘I think you need Michael for time travelling.’
‘Yeah.’ Satan started ripping out Michael’s duct tapes. It hurt like hell when Satan tried to remove the ones on his chest.
Without further delay Lucifer set them up. Michael and Satan were facing their backs towards Lucifer. At first there was an evil grin on his face. He thought that he will freeze them again and capture him with the God. But then his grin turned to a bored look. He looked at his wall clock and yawned. Too much evil for one day. He thought and made a ball of light in his palm. It concentrated until it was the size of a baseball and he readied it for fire.
‘Kiss your goodbyes or whatever.’ Lucifer announced.
‘Miss Killian,’ Michael started ‘you have been an excellent support for restoring world or…’
Before he could finish Satan went and kissed Killian. But somehow she did not hesitate.
‘I will kill you…’ Kill said shyly as Satan took his position for launch.
‘…and Satan can kiss you as a sign of gratitude.’ Michael sighed.
‘All ready?’ Lucifer asked.
‘Make sure you stay like this Kill. Never change yourself no matter what. I promise I will be there to wish you birthday on the day you would be born and protect you from everyone.’
‘Yeah, yeah, go kiss your neighbor’s wife for that. I can protect myself.’
Satan nodded.
‘Will you be ok?’ Kill confirmed.
‘You forgot you are talking to Satan, bitch.’
A flush of white light enveloped the duo and they were pushed away in time. Only God… no Satan will know what turned out of their under-calculated time travelling. Best of luck to you Satan and Michael!
