DollyDove

Dove// 21// She/Her// College student// Author// Thank you for reading my stories! I'm grateful for any and all support I receive.

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Quite a shock

(Reviewed at Chapter 10)

This story starts out feeling something like a children's book. The first few chapters have that sense of wonder and excitement that I'd expect from similar works in the "dragon rider" genre. However, in Chapter 8, that.... changes. There's a sudden DROP in mood and tone, with the story going from that "wonder and excitement" to something much darker. And while I'm not at all against darkness in stories, the change (including the assumed death of a major character) feels quite sudden. It was a bit of an "emotional whiplash" moment, honestly.

Overall, the plot is a mix of expected and not. There are quite a few tropes present throughout the story, which add to it in places and detract in others, but there are just as many places where some very original takes are present. The portrayal of dragons so far is surprising. It's not what I would have expected of a "dragon rider" story. I don't think I've ever seen one where the dragons are quite so cruel and violent. I like where it's going in that regard, and I enjoy the darker and more unique aspects of the story quite a bit. That said, in line with the tropes I mentioned earlier, the plot can be a little weak in places. There are a number of occasions where the story feels very /done/.

Worth mentioning, though, is the sort of "telepathy" system that the story employs. It's a fairly original idea, with a lot of aspects to it that I haven't seen done before for that kind of concept. I do feel like it could use better explanation and more clearly defined rules, but considering that the story is told from the point of view of a relatively young character, it does make sense that she wouldn't quite understand her power, either. I like what's being done with it so far!

As for technical skills, the author does just fine. There are a few grammar issues and places of awkward wording, but I don't have distinct issues. The style suits the subject matter well. The writing style isn't as polished as it could be, but in a way, that works well with what's being written.

As a whole, I enjoyed this story a fair amount! It's not exactly my taste, but it was a fun read as I was getting through it, and I hope that the author keeps going and gets through it well! :D

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Angel gonna learn some manners~

(Reviewed at Chapter 4)

To start off, I'm loving the concept here! "Angel" themes in stories are something that I'm generally not a fan of, but Ariel's personality is doing it for me. So much. He's amazing. XD And by that I mean that I can't wait to see him figure out how much of a jerk he's being and get the messaged that oh yeah, soft lil' human is gonna take care of his sorry butt. The concept is really selling me, and the plot has been enjoyable so far. It reminds me of the kinds of things I'd write... so I might be a /little/ biased~

As for any problems with the story, it's mostly just writing style and minor grammar issues. There's nothing outright or massively /wrong/ with either, but there are just enough hiccups that I can't give a full five-star rating. Some general proofreading would be GREAT for minor errors (such as "padded her cheeks" versus "patted her cheeks"), and as for the style issues... that might be more of a preference thing? I feel like more practice (in a general sense) is really all the author needs to get that style flowing great!

Overall, I'm enjoying this! Keep writing, and make Ariel suffer, please~ >:3c

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Three Tails?

(Reviewed at Chapter 4)

Alright, so I've got a lot of thoughts here. First of all, the author is definitely onto something! There are a lot of good ideas that I'm seeing, and I can. /feel/ that there's a big, overreaching plot that just hasn't fallen into place yet. However, I will say that the way the author's getting to that plot isn't ideal. There's too much that isn't explained properly, and it makes the story confusing. I can understand wanting to leave mysteries to be explored and understood later, but there's a problem here with not giving /enough/ information to make the story easy to read.

I think that the biggest issue is just moving too fast. A lot of the scenes, while detailed and well thought out, feel rushed. Too much happens too quickly, with not enough time for the characters to think and respond. There's plenty of action and things happening, but not enough introspection and time to process it. I feel like the story should be about twice as long as it is now to have reached where the plot is currently at.

However, there's a LOT here that I like. The mysteries are exciting and it makes me want to see what happens next! Malisa, who seems to be the main character(?) is very sweet. She comes across as a moral and /good/ person whose doing her best to adapt to a world that's changing quickly around her. Her snap decisions and quick thinking are appealing traits for a protagonist to have. Her brother is also fascinating, even with as little as we've seen of him. I get the feeling that he's a real sweetheart! From what I get of the story so far, I think that these characters are going to see tons of development too.

And as for the technical writing, there are a few issues. First of all, a lot of commas are missing. Segments like "a large blue overstuffed armchair" are missing necessary commas, which for me, made reading a bit awkward. There's also the problem of HUGE paragraphs without breaks, which again, gets in the way somewhat. A couple of misspelled words are present too, which could easily be fixed with a quick proofreading. However, the writing style remains fluid and carries the story well.

Overall, the author is doing good so far! Some simple edits would do wonders to fix up the readability, and other than that, my main suggestion would be to slow down and give the readers more time to experience what's happening. No need to jump from action to action too fast~

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I'm... confused

Honestly, I have no idea what's going on in this story. I can't follow the plot at all. The story bounces all over the place without explaining any of its time or place changes, and I can't keep up. It feels like the author expects their readers to fill in far too many gaps with far too little information. Between the angelic dream sequence and the Russian mafia (I think?), there's just WAY too much to take in with nowhere near enough explanation of what's happening or why.

Additionally, the grammar is all over the place. The paragraphs are massive and don't break properly for dialogue changes, there are numerous punctuation errors, and the formatting is just... off. I had a very hard time reading it.

The relationships depicted in the story are also very bizarre. There's a lot of sexual tension without much explanation as to /why/. The main character seems to have relationships all over the place, but again, how they formed and the actual dynamics of them don't make a lot of sense. There are some strange, vaguely misogynistic attitudes through the story as well, such as in the prologue, where it says "in no way am I whore, slut, sex worker, or anything like that". The way that's worded doesn't sit well with me.

Overall, I'm just very, very confused by what I read. ;w;

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Lily

(Reviewed at Chapter 12)

So first of all, I'm liking what's going on here. The plot of the story is compelling and one that I wound up quite invested in. Lily's suffering is both heartbreaking and entertaining to read, and I feel like the author did a good job of setting her up to be a sympathetic character. The abuse she goes through at the hands of her "family" can be a bit overdone at times (and a bit too extreme to be realistic), but it definitely paints a picture of how miserable her life is. I feel bad for the poor girl. :(

The part about the werewolves wasn't exactly a surprise thanks to the cover, but in-story, it came as a bit of a shock. I'm guessing that the werewolf bit was what the author was intending to get to all along, but I think that it could have been worked into the story in a way that makes more sense. That said, I'm looking forward to where the author takes it— and seeing how well they elaborate on what's going on.

I'll also note that the sex scenes were... interesting. I kind of have mixed feelings about them. On one hand, the author captures the violating atmosphere of rape wonderfully, but a lot of the writing is quite awkward. Censoring "intimate" words also takes away from the immersion.

My main issue with the story is the grammar and writing style. While I am giving the author some credit for not having English as their first language, the way this story is written does make it quite hard to read. The paragraphs need more frequent breaks (as it is, I was looking at walls of text), there are incorrect words all over, and the grammar and punctuation are frequently lacking. General proofreading and editing would fix a lot of this, and I'd suggest that, for maximum quality, the author find a beta-reader who's a native English speaker to help go over it.

All of that said, I like the story! A fun tale of abuse and misery is always appreciated, and I'm enjoying what Lily's been through so far! Good job, and keep writing, please!

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Fairly Typical

(Reviewed at Chapter 1)

So... this story, so far, feels like the typical "vampire romance" kind of thing. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the author will need to add their own touch to make it compelling and unique. And so far... that isn't exactly happening. There are a lot of tropes in the first chapter alone, and I'd highly recommend that the author work to avoid making the work quite so cliche in the future. Tropes can be fun, but they need to be balanced with twists and originality to keep from being boring.

The characters are about the same. They don't lack potential, but what we've seen so far is definitely a little stereotypical. Alistair, in particular, is fitting a few too many cliches for my liking at this point. The overall plot suffers the same issue. It's not that it's /bad/, it just definitely needs some.... spice, I could say, in the future.

Lastly, for technical aspects. From the author's profile, it seems that English isn't their first language, so I am giving some room for that. That said, the style and grammar very much need work. While the story is formatted properly, there's a lot of awkward language and general grammar errors. The biggest issue is that it doesn't flow well and feels somewhat choppy. However, the author does depict some beautiful scenarios (such as the inside of the council room) and clearly has strong images in mind while writing.

Overall, the story needs improvement, but could definitely be worked into something better. Keep writing, please!

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Aunt Amelia ;A;

(Reviewed at Chapter 4)

Alright! First of all, I /like/ how this story is starting. The author clearly has an idea of where they're going and how they're going to get there. While the story is just starting, I'm enjoying it! The pace is good, the chapters aren't too long or too short, and there's some solid characterization already. I like how the author has done character descriptions. With Astra's aunt and uncle, particularly, they came across very vividly. And of course, the story leaves me curious about what's next!

As always, mentioning the technical aspects, there are a few errors here and there. They're minor enough not to get in the way of reading, but still should probably be checked for. Other than that, the author's style is plenty good. Their writing conveys the mood of the story well!

Overall, I'm liking the start. I'm very pleased with how this story is going,

...and I'm very, very worried about Aunt Amelia. ;A;

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Consequences...

(Reviewed at Chapter 3)

The plot is a little hard to place right now, but that seems to be because of how early on we are in the story. Since there are only three chapters so far, and I get the feeling there will be plenty more, I'm giving it some room for that. That said, what's here so far is solid. There's definitely something happening, and the only issue is that the readers don't know what that "something" is yet. I'm very curious as to where the author will take it!

My biggest issue with the story is the writing style. I'm giving the story a break because, according to the author's bio, English doesn't appear to be their first language, which explains the somewhat choppy style and the parts that are slightly... off. There's a lot of room for improvement there, and it did interfere with reading for me, but the fact that this is likely a work in a second (or even beyond that) language does excuse the problem quite a bit.

Next, I think it's worth mentioning that there seem to be some unfortunate stereotypes used in the story. Things such as "There are so many sports that women can do" come off as rather sexist.

However, the /good/ in this story is the characterization, for sure. There are clearly defined relationships between the characters that make sense. They're simple enough to be understandable, but still have layers and complexity that prevent them from being bland. The dynamic between Khali and Brady especially appeals to me. I can see a lot of strong sibling connections there, which greatly contributes to the story's themes as a whole. Additionally, and the part that I find most appealing, Khali's powers have /consequences/. That's good writing! I love that her abilities have drawbacks and hurt her instead of just being a benefit. I really appreciate the "realism" there.

Overall, this story is off to a good start! It has a strong beginning with a lot of things to like, and I think it'll grow into something impressive.

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A lot to take in

(Reviewed at Chapter 1)

Alright... there’s definitely a lot to take in here. I guess that my biggest issue with the story is that a lot of information is presented without much explanation. It’s very, very hard to tell what’s going on. The whole “his angel” and “his demon” thing REALLY needs to be explained, preferably as close to the beginning of the story as the author can put it, since it seems to be such a key concept.

Next comes the issue of the sheer amount of characters. It’s not a problem to have lots of characters, but they need to be introduced in a way where the reader can understand who they are and why they matter. The character descriptions are very clear and sound cool, but without having any idea who anyone is, it’s hard to keep up with all of them. The same issue is there with the plot and a lot of the terminology. While the writing is just fine, I have /no idea/ what’s going on.

In terms of technical aspects, it’s pretty good! There are a couple of grammar/spelling mistakes, but not enough to be an active hindrance when reading. I’d still recommend double-checking for mistakes, though.

Overall, I think that the main thing the author needs to do in the future is explain the story better. They’re playing with some fun concepts, but it needs to be written in a way where readers can understand them. I like the action of the story, the clear depth put into the world, and the entertaining interactions between the characters, and I think that this story can go good places!

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A good start

There isn't a whole lot of this story posted yet, so I don't know what direction the author is going in. That said, there's a lot of interesting ideas already! I love the creepy atmosphere and the feeling of wrongness. The moment with the "bunnies" letter was chilling, and the entire mood of the story is eerie. Everything is still normal, in a sense, but the reader can really feel that there's something very wrong. It's an excellent set-up for a horror story, and I believe the author will do well as it continues.

That said, there are heavy grammar errors throughout the story, mainly relating to punctuation and formatting. They interfere with the reading and make the flow somewhat awkward. The story would be much improved with some thorough proofreading.

I do like the story, though! There's a lot of fun things to be found here already, and if the technical issues are fixed, I think that the result will appear far more polished and read much better.

Keep writing, please! :D

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Incredibly Ableist

I read the CONCEPT of this story and had issues. "Mentally ill, obsessed, and bloodthirsty." Really? REALLY!? Does the author not realize how ableist it is to have their villain's DEFINING TRAIT be "mentally ill"? This is the kind of thing that adds to the stigma around mental health issues and perpetuates awful, cruel stereotypes. It's plenty possible to have a villain with mental illness. There are lots of ways to write them where the WHOLE REASON why they're evil isn't that illness. And that's not what's happening here. From what I read, this story is full of countless stereotypes and misconceptions and operates around the idea that there's something "wrong" with people who are mentally ill. Treating them like freaks instead of people with illnesses. This is pure ableist nonsense and I'm disgusted to see it on the site.

I'm going to suggest to the author to SERIOUSLY do some research next time, and don't fall into the trap of using nothing but stereotypes as a crutch for your story. You can do better. Your ideas aren't bad, but using mental illness as the root and cause of all of your characters' problems and all of the evil in the story isn't okay.

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