Beneath The Skin
I make notes as I read the stories that I review. I will add more feedback to this review as I read more of the story, so keep checking back!
Read the story now
- The first line is a little awkwardly phrased.
- 'Excrement of a jackal' sounds too wordy, which takes away the effect of the insult. If you don't mind being a bit profane, I would use 'you piece of jackal shit' perhaps?
- Start a new paragraph with the line 'Shakti O'Malley went to the girl looking her over'.
- I love Shakti as a character. She sounds so strong and fearless, and is definitely a character I could emotionally invest in. :)
- 'The street was heaving with life' - nice!
- 'He watched and viewed and collected with his irises' - I would just use one of these descriptions, you don't need to say the same thing three times with different wording.
- Lovely, very vivid, multisensory descriptions.
- 'His eyes were fixed, his sense blinkered to everything but the girl'- this seems contradictory compared to the vivid descriptions before.
- 'He was a monochrome man' - ooh, I like this!
- The ending to the chapter is brilliant!
- 'Everything that is cloth, white, everything that is wood is painted white' - I'd cut straight to the point and say 'Everything is white' .
- Typo: 'bran new'
- 'the harsh light spangs off it' - I don't think 'spangs' is a real word?
- 'The flick of a switch sends light screaming its whiteness into every crack, crevice and corner' - nice!
- 'She liked Dalit' - could you try showing us this rather than telling us, even if it's just in one sentence?
- 'snipped the shiny-headed man' - I'm not sure this really works as a dialogue tag.
- 'He killed Pierre because Pierre was stupid, a nuisance, he got in the way' - expand more on why Pierre is such a nuisance, and in more serious terms than 'he was stupid'. I'd understand if he were an obstacle that needs to be removed, but how?
- I'd refer to Pierre as 'the body' or rather than by his name once he's been killed; it seems weird and over-personal otherwise.
- The sections in Paris get quite hard to follow because it's all in one big paragraph. I don't know if this has been done for effect, but I'd prefer to have them broken up a bit.
- 'His brown stare unyielding' - I don't think this works in a one-line paragraph.
- 'his clothes were rent' - I'm not sure this makes sense.
- 'Stalls selling milk sweets wafted their sugary aroma' - I'm not sure this makes sense either :/
- Tense error: 'he rent at his hair'
- 'faint tang of iron' - nice!
- 'This man was a chauvinist' - I'd really drive this home by adding more sexist comments before you say this.
- 'The air was like glass' - nice!
- 'Dew sparkled like tears on his coat' - I love this!
- 'Patrick O' Malley, was he your father?' I'd rephrase this so it's more concise and direct.
- I like your use of an Indian related metaphor to echo Shakti's culture.
- The Paris scenes, by this point, are getting a little repetitive. Being more sparing with them may give each murder more impact.
- I'd join together the first two sentences of the paragraph beginning 'Shakti tended her mother's garden' as the second one doesn't make sense on its own.
- Same thing for the second and third sentences in the following paragraphs.
- The descriptions in the paragraph beginning 'She smiled at her daughter' are lovely.
- Both Shakti and her mother sound strangely childish when they speak and she tells Shakti that she is part god. This could probably be an area to edit.
- 'exposing raw flesh with gaps like a peach with bites taken from it' - oooh! So creepy, but so original. :P
- 'If patience is a virtue, then he must be the most righteous being' - nice!
- 'She tasted like rain, like spring time, like clouds' - nice!
- 'Everyone ceased immediately, their talking and their actions' - this sounds a little strange and doesn't make sense. I would say 'Everyone froze' instead.
- 'Lifted her again and headed off' - I'd join this sentence onto the end of the one before as it doesn't make grammatical sense in isolation and sounds a little isolation.
- It might work better for you to include Lakshana's speech as dialogue rather than reported speech to fully showcase how captivating her words are.
- 'Shakti made as if to pull away' - I'm not sure this makes sense.
- Missing word : 'it snapped off immediately she thought it'
- "I believe Paris is lovely this time of year' - a nice link to the Paris sections of the story! Now we're going places! And it completely covers up the sinister side you've written about before... good one :P
- I love the contrast between the joy of a party and a sudden arrest.
- Have the questions in the paragraph beginning 'There was uproar' as spoken dialogue to add more realism.
- Lovely opening lines.
- 'She moved like oiled silk over a blade' - nice!
- Typo: 'soft base thrumming' - do you mean 'soft bass thrumming'?
- 'His hands and forearms a network of tiny scars' - I'd join this onto the end of the sentence before as it doesn't really work on its own.
- I'd go into more detail about the two events causing the injuries to Torben and Deepak.
- I like the phrase 'andpissingandshittingandbreathingandlivingandlivingandliving'
- 'Mr Punch, who smiled down at him, inciting' - 'inciting' doesn't make sense here, and I'm not sure this word means what you think it means if you used it there.
- Typo: 'bran new'
- I liked the twist at the end of the chapter! This is the variety in the second half of your chapters I wanted to see!
- Typo: 'Capitain'
- 'She felt all the colours had drained from her world' - nice!
- 'Butterflies from a foreign place in a land of blues and greys' - I like this image, but I'd say 'Brightly coloured butterflies' so it makes more sense.
- 'Ma cher' - I think 'ma cherie' is used more commonly in France
- 'His favourite time. The cusp of what was and what was to come' - nice!
- 'drawing him like the proverbial moth' - this is a little cliched.
- The paragraph beginning 'Shakti felt a huge swell' is brilliant!
- I'm a little confused regarding Shakti's relationship status. I initially thought she was with someone... and who was giving her a crazy orgasm ten chapters ago?
- Join together the first two sentences of the paragraph beginning 'They walked in silence' as the second one's beginning doesn't make sense on its own.
- I like Shakti's observations about the smell of the air at the end of that paragraph.
- Typo: 'a faint light'