A Well Intentioned Attempt
First, I want to commend the author for attempting to write a more comprehensive story that isn’t just dialogue with bits of description. I appreciate that because I don’t like this style of writing myself.
Read the story now
The problem is that there are too many grammatical errors, which makes it difficult to follow the story. One of the biggest grammar mistakes are run-on sentences. They are everywhere. Fixing this will go a long way in improving the story.
Also, you use too much direct exposition and not indirect exposition. I do want some natural dialogue between characters. This will help establish their personalities and relationships.
I suggest recruiting a friend to help. Good Luck - EDJ