elarsson

Happy to critique, but I'm no pro. While my work isn't on here, I'll gladly share it with anyone interested in providing feedback.

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Up till 4am reading...

I did not plan to start this one immediately after finishing the last, but that's precisely what happened and I was up till 4am finishing it (probably the greatest compliment a writer can receive). All my comments from my last review of part 1 are echoed here,

I love where this is going and look forward to reading more as it is ready (this review is written around the posting of chapter 30). The dynamic between your protagonists is one of the most compelling for me, Just like book 1, this seems a highly-polished piece (thank you, again, for uploading something that has clearly taken time to craft and refine). There are minimal typos and errors and again the prose is brilliant.

Anyone who isn't sure whether this would be for you, I invite you to start skimming the first few pages- of book 1 if you've not read it yet- and you will get sucked in straight away (as that is how I started).

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Best thing I've read by far on here

I joined recently, tempted by the chance of publication and with no real intention of reading other works (I have a finished MS, briefly posted the first 3 chapters for two days, and then removed them because I cannot bear the thought of putting it online when agents are looking at it separately). The few works I have dabbled in and out of make me weep, and not in a good way. This was literally a breath of fresh air right before I was about to close my account.

I did not intend to read much, I more saw it somewhere on the site and skimmed it a bit before being completely sucked in (I'll admit, I skipped a couple chapters once or twice so far, so maybe there is an issue with pacing? I had a similar problem with my own manuscript and didn't know until a professional critique pointed it out).. Please tell me you have actually submitted to agents? This is definitely something I think they would be interested in. This isn't even my kind of story and I am thoroughly enjoying it. You write WELL with almost minimal typos/grammar problems (which is different from everything else I've seen so far on this site which looks like the author didn't read through their own writing even once), the story is complete and compelling and doesn't have glaring holes or contradictions, and the characters are brilliant.

And KUDOS for writing steamy, exciting moments that were not a) cringe-worthy, b) needlessly explicit (less is more, my imagination is DEFINITELY good enough to be allowed to run rampant), or c) contrived or unrealistic. The scenes and buildup to those interactions felt so natural and genuine it made it so easy to be sucked in.

I didn't think I would be into it being told from your protagonists point of view, however she is so witty and clever I ENJOY being in her mind. That being said, I love the genuine, fun dynamic between her and Hadrian. It isn't cringey or with one managing too much of an upper hand over the other- they both are like roller coasters going up and down winning and losing in their struggle to achieve their own separate goals.

I'm about 3/4ths of the way through and plan to finish. I notice there is a sequel so will probably look at that too. Excellent work, this stands out from the rest in a big way. While my manuscript isn't on the site, if you're ever interested in reading it I'd love your thoughts (your prose makes mine feel like the work of a novice- but to be fair it is).

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A solid start but keep at it

I'll start by saying this isn't normally the kind of fiction I read, so I won't comment too much on the plot as we are all subjective in our tastes and someone who likes to read this type of story will be better placed to comment on it. As a result I only read the first few chapters and that is what I am basing my review.

The world that was built was engaging and the characters intriguing. You are good at imagining scenes and scenarios and including the right information in a succinct way to get the reader engaged (lighting, mood, description of the surroundings without getting bogged down in the nitty gritty)- this is vital so good job.

Few points to improve (from my personal opinion bearing in mind I am no professional):

Avoid cliches. The bit he compares his penis to a serpent could easily be replaced with something more subtle and original while still giving a clear indication of what is going on. I personally found the sex and orgasms a bit too blunt to appreciate them, the same content could be conveyed in a more teasing and enticing way for the reader if you played with the words a little.

I won't comment on grammar and punctuation as I see other reviews already have, but it was one of the things that held me back from reading more; it needs a lot of editing (if a paragraph or sentence has to be read multiple times to understand it- due to lack of proper punctuation and grammar- it is difficult to imagine reading hundreds of similar paragraphs).

Lastly I think too much backstory is given up-front in the first chapter, leave some to the imagination. The long bit of dialogue of your protagonist explaining his backstory is unnecessary, I think your protagonist and his new companion would be more interesting if some of that was left as a mystery (and giving him a more alluring mystery to him in general)- maybe reveal his demon part and that he'd killed someone (don't give the specifics), but leave it at that. Then let the rest come out later in the story, it would be a more moving plot structure that keeps the reader hooked.

I hope this helps, I definitely think there is an audience who like this kind of adventure-demons-sex combo so if you can fix it up and work on your technical skills you will be able to really deliver what is in your imagination.

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