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Persephone

I think that this story has a lot of potential, but right now I'm still searching for its voice. I completely understand that with there only being one chapter up, it may be hard to get a handle on the characters so quickly. However, I feel just a little bit detached from the main character and the world she lives in. We seem to enter in media res, which adds to my confusion a little bit.

The writing is good, but I got distracted by the censorship of the cursing. One of the things that you will discover is that it is either better to go full out and use the word, or to not use it at all. There are ways to imply that the character says some curse word, but we as the readers never know what it is. You might like this one for some of your dialogue if you want to keep the censorship.

Overall, you're off to an amazing start! I'm certainly not the one to look to for constructive criticism, as I'm still learning, but I hope that you aren't offended by anything that I have said (whenever someone makes a correction on my work I spend the next five minutes hiding under my desk in shame, so I completely get it). Good luck on your writing journey!

-E

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