Emmz889

Great characters

I am liking this story so far! I feel involved with the main characters and understand the plot. I think you have a strong plot to work with! When I read the story description I felt very intrigued! Like someone pour the tea please, what has gotten Chloe into trouble?

I feel very wary of Carter and Lila, don't know if you intended that, but those two just popping back into her life after the pain they have caused, and all of a sudden when she is becoming famous is very suspicious! And I like this tentative not knowing whether to trust them or not.

Moving forward into Chloe's story, it would be great to be revealed to us the readers more flashbacks so we can really appreciate what Chloe went through and what drove her to make the lyrics. Don't be afraid to get dark with her flashbacks and lyrics either if that is what you intended thinking of this story...

The only other thing that I noticed is needing a little more description of your character's surroundings. Your dialogue is great! and I can picture them talking and it feels real however a little more description would just seal the deal.

Finally, my only other point is a few spelling and grammatical errors but they are not huge, they can be fixed with Grammarly or getting someone else to edit your work with another set of eyes. Sometimes when you have been writing for a long period of time, you get tired and so it's easy to miss.

Overall, I feel connected to Chloe and I want to see what happens next so well done :)

First story I read right through

I was skimming over the stories that were recently entered into the spooky contest. I went through the first page without being that interested until I came to yours.

Firstly, your cover is eye-catching, so that was the first thing that made me stop to read the description.

Secondly, your description of a thin twelve-year-old boy being afraid of an elevator was intriguing and I felt instantly it would be scary, so I decided to click on your story to read it.

Thirdly, your writing is spell-checked and you use proper grammar so well done for that! There have been so many stories that I passed by simply because their grammar is terrible in the description and that gives a very offputting feeling to wanting to read their actual story.

Now when it comes to the story, I love the simplistic Hemingway style of your writing, your third-person narrative is easy to read and you don't try to take over too much but let the reader fill in the gaps in the description of the scene. For example, the fat lady with pudgy hands, a piggy face and a coat that ballooned around her was well done and I had a very clear image of what I think this insidious lady looked like.

Ways to improve, perhaps reveal a little more about your protagonist so we can become more emotionally involved with them. Maybe a little flashback or memory was mentioned by the protagonist about their father and explains more about why the father is by himself. Where is his mother?

Maybe reveal a little more about what has happened in the past and explain in more detail the strained relationship between the boy and his father.

But overall, an interesting story that was easy for me to picture the eeriness and then terror at the end.