Alex Rushmer

Stereotypical but enjoyable

I read to chapter 25 and enjoyed your story very much. It had a good draw, and I liked the obvious time and love that you put into it. However, I do think that it needs some work. The characters came across as rather cliched and 2D to me. You had the quiet, beautiful, forgiving female protagonist with the sacrificial attitude and the dark, brooding, angry male protagonist with lots of money. It was very predictable because of this. I could always guess what the characters were going to do and how they were going to react to each other because they only had that one layer. They didn't act in complex ways. Often times, their dialogue was unnatural because they just said exactly what they thought or kept silent. I liked Angela okay, but she seemed kind of helpless to me. I couldn't really bring myself to like Xavier. He had the beginnings of an interesting character, but - like Angela - he was 2D. I enjoyed what you wrote from her point of view, but I didn't really like the POV written in first person from his perspective. It made him seem kind of whiny and immature. If you want to do scenes from his perspective, I would try third person. I also wasn't sure what I thought about their reconciliation after the plane crash. I liked the idea of it, but I didn't find it believable that he didn't know it was his wife at first. Maybe he's never looked her directly in the face, but he's surely caught glimpses of her profile and would at least recognize her by her hair, clothes, and build. Plus, it seems like he only changes his mind about her due to her physical appearance, which kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. I liked that he went back and apologized later on when he found out why she married him, but it seemed a little late coming. As far as plot goes, I found it enjoyable but predictable. The plane crash was the only thing that really caught me off guard here. I would have liked it better if there had been more setting. I had an okay feel of the Knights house, but I wanted way more description when it came to the Island. Because you didn't evoke the setting in the reader's mind, the plane crash felt kind of cheesy. Most of the description seemed to be centered around Angela's outfits, which weren't nearly as pertinent as the actual setting, in my mind. The writing really needs cleaned up in this story. It was filled with grammatical errors and typos, and I found it hard to read. In places, I skimmed for meaning because I couldn't really get through the sentences themselves. It just really needs to be cleaned up. Please do not be discouraged by this. It's a great start, and I truly enjoyed what I read, I just think that it needs some work. I hope this helps. If you have any questions about any of this, please let me know. I would love to help you out in any way I can. Great work so far!

It has potential

I read the first bit of your story and decided to review it now. I think that you've got something good started here, and I think that it has a lot of potential. I'm intrigued and want to know what the story is about. There was just so much clunky wording and typoes that it was a little difficult to read. I think that if you read through it out loud and made some adjustments, it would bring the writing itself forward leaps and bounds. There were also places where you switched randomly between past and present tense. If you choose one and stick to it except in certain situations, I think it would help. Keep it up! This story has good bones, just give it prettier skin. ;-) I hope that you do well in the contest.

This is great!

I really love your writing style in this story. Usually the whole narration from a journal sort of thing doesn't work for me, but you really pull it off here. I like the main character's blatant way of putting things. I think that it lends a lot to his character and to the story. You tell it like it is. I read the first chapter and hope to read more. The idea of the Event seems pretty stereotypical, but you've already put a brand new twist on it, so it keeps the story lively. I am excited to see what happens next. The only thing I didn't like about this story was the amount of swearing in it, but that's just personal preference (and I still thought that the ways you used it made the story more humorous). Really well done! I hope that you get more votes, because this is great!

Emotionally charged

I read the prologue and was almost in tears. I have an infant baby sister, so it really hit me hard. I thought it was well done, with an intriguing plot and interesting characters. However, I think that you need to go over this again because there were a lot of grammatical errors and places where you switched tenses. It distracted from what could have been a really great story. However, even with those errors there, I think this story has real potential. Keep writing!

Unravel

You've got a really nice start to an interesting story. I was drawn in right away and left with many questions circulating in my head. Why the tests? Why the dreams? Why does she have such extreme reactions to stress? I eagerly await the next chapter so I can find out more. We don't know much about the characters or where the plot is going to go, but the chapter has a nice hook. I will say that you could try to do more showing and less telling in this chapter. I think it would help it to be more evocative and draw in the reader even more. There were also numerous formatting and grammatical errors that distract from the story. All in all, this is a good start! It just needs a bit of work. Good job!

The story of an overcomer

This story was absolutely incredible. It tells such an important story and deals with such painful, difficult issues. I loved every single chapter and all the horror and bittersweet that it brought. It takes gall to delve into some of these subjects, and you did it with tact and frankness. The plot kept me engaged the entire time, with just enough tension to keep up the pace. Your characters were interesting and unique, and they felt very real to me, flaws and all. The only one that I didn't feel I understood was the father - I would have liked to have known why he was such a scumbag. As someone who has had to deal with them for years, I can tell you that your panic attack scenes are pretty much spot on. I also really liked that you began to restore Ashley's relationship with James and that he's showing her what a man can be. That ending was really sweet and heart-felt. The writing style was well-done. It was honest about the situation and gave the reader lots of vivid details, making it feel real. There were a lot of typos in here, but that could easily be fixed with a read-through and a red pen. All in all, this is a really great read! I love reading stories about overcomers, and I think that Ashley is a bit of a quiet hero. Great work! I hope you get more reads on this!

A thought-provoking read

I'm honestly not really sure how to review this because I'm not sure whether to think of it as a story or as a statement, so I'll just try and lay out my impressions of the work. It was very interesting. I haven't learned a whole lot about the historical subject matter in this work, so now I'm very curious to look into it. You do a great job of showing the horror of the time while not making it over-dramatic. I liked the characters that you put into it and their interactions. I thought the final chapter was especially well-written in the area of character. Some scenes I had a hard time reading because they were so vivid and gritty. I did struggle a bit in this work. I hadn't the slightest idea what was going on until chapter four and was still pretty lost. In places, the writing was very vague and left me confused as to what was happening (this was especially the case in some of the first chapters and in the chapters where there were depictions of battles). I think it would help if you clarified this a little because I spent a lot of the time muddling through and not understanding what was happening. There were some typos in here as well. All in all, it was definitely thought-provoking and left me extremely curious about the subject matter of your work, but I think it needs a bit of polishing.. Good work!

Wonderfully enthralling!

I sat down with the intention of reading one chapter before I started my homework and ended up binge-reading the whole thing. This story was extremely enjoyable, and I'm eager to see where it goes. Everything about it was enthralling, from the plot, to the cast of characters. The world that you've created for this story is dark and beautiful, and I'm curious to see where things will go next. I liked the idea of there being so many dangerous creatures outside the villages and towns. It added a really fun, fantastical element. I was surprised by the turn of events that led to Alex fleeing from the Sanctuary, and it was handled very well. The assassins remind me of a group called the Dark Brotherhood from a game called Skyrm. I'm curious if you've played this, because lots of the elements, from the assassins group and the college to the cast of characters remind me of Skyrim. I think my favorite part of this story was the characters. I loved the interaction between Alex and Conner (I ship it). And I also liked the characters that you developed in the Sanctuary. I'm really curious about the one mysterious guy (I saw him called both Micha and Micah in there, so I'm confused about his name). I was amazed at the way you gave each character a different voice. That is EXTREMELY hard to do, and it makes it so much more real. My only complaint is that I went through the first half of this story not knowing if Alex was a girl or a boy. I'm still not certain, although I assume by Alex's relationship with Conner that she's a girl. I would appreciate some clarity on that because I like to have a picture of the protagonist I'm following from chapter one. Other than that, it was great! The writing was very clean and enjoyable, and I like Alex's voice. I only noticed a few typos here and there. All in all, it's a great start! I can't wait to see where it goes!

Raw but beautiful

I'm going to admit right now that I didn't make it very far into the story. This subject is very very difficult for me, and I had to stop after chapter one. However, I thought I would leave a review with my thoughts on what I read. I think it's amazing that you were able to overcome this sort of abuse and that you had the courage to project your memories into a narrative. It must have been very hard to put all this on paper, and I can't imagine how vulnerable that must feel. You are incredibly brave, and I hope that this work gets a lot of recognition for that. As for the writing itself, it was very real and very clean, and I didn't notice any grammatical issues or typos. I like your up-front writing style and your ability to state things as they are. Really well done. I hope you get good feedback from people who have more of a stomach than me. :-)

Detailed and enjoyable

This book is definitely a must-read for anyone who likes dark stories with 3D characters, a wealth of research, and a glimmer of hope. The plot kept me hooked from the beginning to the end. It was always fascinating to see what William would do next. I love the detail that went into each assassination he performed, whether they were done up-close and personal or from a distance. The characters felt very real to me throughout the story. I loved the dynamic between Victoria and William. Their interactions from the first time he saw her to everything he does for her later on are extremely powerful and affecting. You also have a knack for creating very hateable characters, making the conflict between William and his aggressors even more intense. The writing style was entertaining. I like that you really just state outright what happens rather than beating about the bush. It adds more to William's character as well as making the narration downright funny at times. The only issue I ran into during this read through were issues with the punctuation. In a few cases, it was typos, but other times it was issues with sentence structure (run-on sentences that needed to be divided up, missing periods and commas, etc.) I could try and point out specifics with the Inkitt feedback system or on a google doc if you wanted. All in all, this was a really fun read and quite the emotional roller coaster, and I have no doubt that it will eventually be published. Great work!

Very intriguing

This was very interesting. After reading your preface, I decided that I wasn't going to read a whole lot of this story, but I wanted to try to give you some feedback on the first chapters. I really liked what I read. First of all, the quote that you put in the first chapter was really good! It was ominous and fitting for the story. Then, I really enjoyed the scene in the desert with the man and his family. You did a great job of setting the situation, and I was so sad when I realized that his kids had died. And then realizing that he was chained up...that was a good moment. I kind of wish that you would have expanded that part. I was curious to know what the place he was being kept in looked like, how he felt after the ordeal, if he wondered what had happened to his wife. That sort of thing. You could have poured some more emotion into that scene. After that, it was a little slow moving. I liked that you took the time to real flesh out your setting. You might have been able to do that through the eyes of a character to make it more interesting. I don't know exactly where the plot is going yet, but I'm thinking that maybe you could have worked that information in elsewhere? Like you could have interlaced it into the scene with Neil and into later scenes? I also really liked the scene with Neil. It was really well written and you did an amazing job of showing rather than telling. You do a great job of sinking your hooks into the reader and making them want to know more! This was really good so far. I like that you chose to use shorter chapters. It's very refreshing and gives the story a nice, snappy pace. The writing was simple yet descriptive. Great work! I would definitely read more by this author!

Interesting look at a serial killer

Okay, I thought this was really cool. I love being put into the head of a murderer, and I feel like you really do that in this story. From the writing style to the plot to the POV, it all seems directed toward that one goal of showing us the inside of this man. I read the first nine chapters and am anxious to see how things turn out. I'm very glad that you decided to post this. The killer strikes me as smart and a little prideful, and that makes for an interesting character. I'd like to know more about him and his motives for killing. I feel like you could dive even more into his psychology without boring the reader. I want to see more into him -- his past, what he does beyond killing, his hobbies, his hopes, his dreams or nightmares, his fears. In stories like this where the reader is mostly cooped up in the head of the character, I think that you can really dive down into who they are. That just makes it all the more fun, in my opinion. I also really like how you convey the characters around him. He sees them from a birds-eye sort of view, and that kind of gives the reader a quick and concise description of who they are. It makes it feel more real. The chapter length is great. I personally love short chapters because you feel like you're actually getting somewhere.

I think that there are some things you could improve on the more technical end. The writing style was good, and I thought that your POV was very interesting, but it needs some polishing. There were places where sentences just didn't make sense or where things were clunky. Since it's following his thoughts, I think it needs a bit more flow. Also -- and this is just my opinion -- I would like more description in this. It's so good so far, but I feel like coloring the settings and the characters would give so much more. I want to know what the killer looks like and how he interacts with people on a more specific level -- dialogue, etc. More details would give this story even more of its own unique flavor. It makes me think of another story on this site -- I think it was called Perfect.

Anyway, this is a great story so far, and I'm glad that you chose to share it on here. It's going onto my list, and I'm going to try to get back on it soon. Great work so far! I hope that you do well in the contest!

Really good beginning

I read the first bit of this story and have REALLY enjoyed it thus far. The writing is smooth and has good flow, and I love the interaction between the characters. It is unexpected, but also very natural. I really like the way that you are building Harrington's character so far, with his cocky attitude and desire for thrill. Not much is handed to us in the way of plot, but I like what I see happening so far, with the rivalry between Harrington and that other fighter and the disappearance of Anne's brother. I would like to know more, so I'll definitely be keeping this on my reading list. The one thing that confused me about this story was the gender of the main character. I actually thought that Harrington was a last name, so I wasn't sure whether he was a girl or a guy, and the name "Lovely" threw me off, because I've heard that used as a nickname. I thought he was a girl until I looked back at the blurb. Maybe that's just me, but I thought that it needed more clarification, or maybe just some more physical description. Anyway, I really like where this is going so far, and I'm excited to see what happens next. Great work! I hope that this does well in the contest!

Great characterization

I have read the first few chapters so far, and I really like where this story is going. It had me intrigued from the very beginning with the sheer mystery of the superpowers, but there was also an element of it that touched me at a personal level. The Kyra character I'm enjoying so far, with her fun-loving and yet responsible nature, but I really like Noah. He had my sympathy from the get go. A lot of times, the bullied character doesn't really work for me because its just an exercise in self-pity, but the combination of his desire to take care of his mother and to overcome the "cowardice" that he sees in himself. The characterization in this, from the dialogue to the conveyed personalities, was very natural. I look forward to seeing where this is going. The plotline isn't super clear at this point, but I think that you give the reader enough to keep them wanting more. The writing itself was simple and evocative. I like the way that the description is kind of sprinkled throughout the story rather than just dumped on us right away. The one thing I noticed that felt a little odd was when the girl was flying around in her room. It seems like that's a pretty small space (or at least in my case) to be actually building up speed and at risk of slamming into things. It doesn't seem like there'd be enough room. Just a thought. Other than that, I thought this was great so far! Awesome work! I hope that you do well in the contest!

Intriguing

I read the first couple chapters, and I'd like to read more, because this is a very interesting story. I really like the prose and the way you painted Kat's personality. Everything felt very smooth and vibrant in the story without you dancing around more sensitive subjects. I only marked it down because I ran into frequent grammatical errors. It was a very good beginning. Really well done!

Incredible voice!

I just want to say that the writing in this is amazing! I read the first couple chapters and was absolutely drawn in by it, The way you use first person in this story is extremely engaging and does wonders with your character development. I immediately had a picture of the characters and plotline in mind. It is clever, humorous, and blatant at times. Normally I don't like a plot that is completely centered on revenge, but you pull it off very well and make it easy to root for your nasty yet witty main character. I am interested to see how "Dog-tags" plays out in this, and I was really loving the scene with the lamp post. I found myself giggling reading through this, and most "humor" stories don't do that for me. This is a really great story, and I hope to read more soon! This, in my humble opinion, is masterful work! Keep it up!

Enjoyable

This was not what I expected, but I enjoyed it a lot Malfoy was always one of the characters that I liked a lot, so I like that a lot of this happens between him and Colette. I read the first couple chapters, and I enjoyed your writing style and am excited to see where you take this story. My complaint is with the first chapter. You kind of do an information dump. It works, but I think that it would be better if you just mixed it in with the rest of the story, and this is why. I read the first chapter and got a picture of the main character. Then I read the second chapter and got a totally different picture. The two seemed to clash. I would almost say that you could cut the first chapter and start with the second one, because the characterization in the second chapter is really great.

So you are fourteen? That's awesome. I started writing around that age too, and I'm really glad that you had the courage to put your writing out there. You're very good, and this story is too. I just think that if you made a few adjustments, it could go from good to great. I hope this helps. Good luck in the contest!

Neat story!

This really drew me from beginning to end. The characterization was great, and the plot kept me engaged. I felt like a lot of this was making fun of the typical horror story thing (her deciding the best time to go was at midnight, etc.), and I had to laugh. Your writing was simple and evocative. Reading the last paragraph, I was feeling disappointed until I got to the very end. I thought that she was going to end up being a star, and I felt like it was a cheat that a magic violin was going to get her there. Then I got to the last sentence and went YES! It was a very unexpected and chilling ending. Very well done! I would have liked to know more about what the violin did to her and what the deal was with the specter, but it made sense as it was anyway. Great work!

A quiet and heroic story

The forgiveness that is displayed in the story is amazing. I really loved the ending. It's amazing, again, how much you manage to fit into these short stories, and I feel like each one has something important to say. You did a great job of setting the scene and building up to things so that I was never quite sure what was going to happen. I wondered what position the man who taught the girl the dark arts was in before he ended up in prison though. Some sort of teacher or official? Or was he a prisoner when he taught her? I would have liked to know more about what when down in that relationship. Other than that, it was amazing! Great work!

Super creepy!

I loved this. The bad guy never really knows that he is the bad guy. In fact, he thinks that he is doing the right thing. This story is a perfect portrayal of that concept. I loved the character that you created through this. It kept me engaged throughout the entire story, and the writing style was simple and evocative. I really enjoyed it! I didn't really understand the ending though. I wasn't sure if he killed the wrong man or if his wife had already moved on to another one. That just needs a little clarification, I think. Well done! Good luck in the contest!

So creative!

You packed so much into such a short story, and I just love that! I assumed, since it was from the POV of a houseplant, that this was going to be boring, but it definitely wasn't! The scattered descriptions were very well done, and I liked the style of your writing. I thought it was interesting that the man died because he killed the very thing that was keeping him alive. And I like that the man from the rescue ship took a piece of the plant back with him. Great story!

YIKES!

I think this is the scariest story that I have read on here! It was great! I can totally see this happening with all the virtual reality technology in this society, and, having tried it before, I'm pretty creeped out. The characters were interesting, and I liked your descriptions. They were clear and evocative. I think the only thing that needs work is that every once in a while you switched tenses. Great work! Good luck in the contest!

Great story!

I have only read the first bit, and I like this story a lot. The characters are strong, and this author has a very interesting and unique take on what the future may hold. I hope to read more as soon as I have time. I wish you good luck in the Beyond Time contest!

Mind-bending

In all honesty, when I read the first chapter I wasn't sure that this would be my type of story. It seemed very hard-core sci-fi, and prologues usually bore the life out of me. However, once I got to chapter one my mind was absolutely blown! For some reason, it didn't connect with me that people would be speaking telepathically rather than out loud, and I've NEVER seen a story attempt that before. At first I wondered why you weren't using quotation marks, but then it clicked. I absolutely love it when stories are able to bend reality in a way that is believable. I have so many questions right now...why did they never learn to speak, why does the moon affect them in that way, who are the rebels, etc. This is a great start as far as leaving the reader wanting more. The characters are very interesting to me, and I feel that I can support them already. The writing style was clear and articulate. I noticed some typos here and there, but other than that it was great! The only thing I would change would be to take out the prologue. Chapter one has much more draw, and you give a lot of the information in the following chapters, making the prologue kind of redundant. Just throw the readers straight in! All in all, this is a fascinating start, and I am eager to know what will happen next. Great work!

Prominent Pleasure (No spoilers)

Erotica usually isn't my first choice for reading, but I was intrigued by your plot and characters. The first chapter has a good amount of draw to it. I was eager to find out what going on but it was a bit difficult to read and get into because of the writing style and frequent grammatical issues. The tense switched between past and present numerous times within the same scene, making it a little disorienting, and I think that using paragraphs in here would really benefit the story. Paragraphs create pacing and help to guide the reader along. If you fix the formatting errors and grammatical issues, I think you will really have a story with a lot of potential. It's hard work cleaning up your writing, but it's always worth it. I hope this helps. Good job, and keep writing!

Serenity Rising

I don't usually read erotica, so I might not exactly be the target audience for this story, but I did find it enjoyable. I was intrigued by the character and wanted to find out what would happen next. The plot itself drew me in, but the narrative, telling style was a little dull to me. This may just be personal preference, but I usually find stories that show more specific personal scenes rather than an overview much more affecting. Gliding from event to event feels like telling rather than showing to me, and that left me feeling kind of disconnected from the characters and what was going on. I think that if you brought the reader closer to what was going on it would make it much more evocative and affecting. This is really hard to do sometimes but definitely worth the trouble. As far as the technical end of the writing goes, I think you did a great job cleaning it up and getting rid of typos. All in all, this story has a lot of potential, I just think it needs some work in the "show, don't tell" department. Great work! Hope this helps. :-)

Unexpected

I am the sort of person that doesn't usually read vampire books because they are not really my thing, but I think this story takes a nice, unexpected twist on the genre. I was drawn in from the beginning (I especially liked the quote that you used in the first chapter). The writing was decent but needs a bit of polishing. This is a good start, and I believe it has a lot of potential. Good work!

Dark Mountain - a fantastic beginning!

I think this is a really good start to something that has a lot of potential. When I was younger, I read tons of the Warriors books by Erin Hunter, so this is right up my alley. I liked that you used wolves in this. Wolves are very cool. Even though this is a short chapter, you give the reader a lot of information about the world the wolves' live in, and you instantly grab the reader's attention. Your setting and imagery was spot-on. I immediately had a picture of where the characters were and what they were doing. I also really liked the names in this story. I'm very curious as to where this story will go and what will happen next! This has a lot of potential. I know this is an early draft, but I must mention that I found a lot of typos and grammatical errors (this, of course, is to be expected at this point). I also thought that the ending was really rushed. The part where the she-wolf died felt very rushed and glazed-over. I wanted this to be more emotional for the other wolf. Even just giving a description of what she looks like while she's laying there would help with this. But, all in all, this is a great start! I can't wait to see what will happen next!

Lights in the Night

This was a very enjoyable story to read! I enjoyed following its twists and turns. It had exceptional character development, and I felt like the characters really took on a life of their own on the page. I could picture them all in my mind's eye - both their physical appearance and their inner environment. This made the story especially enjoyable to me. The plot was intriguing and kept me engaged. I loved the writing style you employed. It was very clever and witty. I marked it down for some typos, but other than that it was really good. Great work!

The S Girl (NO SPOILERS)

This was a really fun story to read! I am always looking for a good spy story to read on here, so I was very happy to find this! I will try not to spoil anything in this review. I thought that this was good as a story, but I also thought it would work very well as a screenplay. The characters in this were very interesting. I liked Saravi's angst. She always did the unexpected and kept me on my toes. I liked to see how she reacted in different situations. I also like her relationship with the new boss ( I just forgot his name ). The plot was intriguing and kept me hooked from the very beginning. This followed a lot of typical action/thriller/spy tropes, but that in itself made the story kind of fun. The issue that I found with this story was the technical end of the writing itself. There were a lot of issues with clunky language, and I sometimes wasn't sure what you were trying to communicate. There were also a lot of typos and grammatical errors that threw me off a bit. If this was corrected, it would improve the story by leaps and bounds. As it was, the errors kind of took away from the story. All in all, this is a good start! It has good bones, it just needs some better wrapping. Great work! I hope you get lots of reads on this!

Very intriguing beginning!

I really enjoyed this! I've never watched Dexter, so I didn't really know what to expect, but I like what you have here so far. Exploring the mind of a psychopath is so interesting to me, and I love seeing the different approaches that authors take. I especially liked the voice that you employed here to show the attitude and personality of your protagonist. You seem to really fight against cliches in this story, which is really cool! It really gave the story its own unique flavor. I'm very curious as to where the plot will go and to where the protagonist's dark urges will take her. I am looking forward to exploring her disturbed psyche, and I'm also quite interested in the other characters you've introduced so far. You have a really good way of showing who a character is instantly, which is REALLY hard to do! That being said, I think I would have enjoyed more setting in this story. I was actually really confused during the chase scene at the first part of the chapter just because I wasn't sure if he was in a car or what was going on. More setting in the scenes would clarify a few things, I think. The grammar also needed a bit of work throughout the story. I liked the way you phrased things, it's just that the mechanics were a bit off. All in all, this is a great start, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes! Great work!

Great serial killer story! (SPOILER ALERT)

It took me a while to get around to reading this, but once i did it drew me in right away. I find Jack the Ripper quite fascinating - which is part of what drew me to this story - and it didn't disappoint. It feels like a lot of research went into this, and I loved the meticulous details. Your characters were extremely interesting. I could usually guess what the twists were going to be, but I still enjoyed them. Jack was a very interesting character, and I liked your fresh take on his personality and background. John was also very interesting, a naive and kind man contrasted with the nasty J.W. Cannibal. Their interaction with one another was probably one of my favorite things about this story. Their friendship was very endearing. The dialogue was a little stilted at times, but I liked that they were so open and honest with each other. The plot itself was enjoyable, with a nice balance of predictability and surprises. I have to say, the end REALLY took me off guard. I was hoping for a happy ending, or at least a little more resolution. At least I'd like to know whether Jack lived or died. However, the ending seems appropriate to the story, so I think I can be satisfied with that. The main problem i had with this story was the writing itself. It is in desperate need of tightening. There is a lot of fluff (extra words), and many of the phrases are very clunky. I also noticed numerous typos throughout the story, and plus there was a formatting issue that made all the paragraphs run together. If you solve these problems, I think you'll really have something here. I could hardly put it down as it was. All in all, good work! This was a pleasure to read!

Intriguing beginning

i have to say, this concept kind of has a special place in my heart because my sister and I always used to make believe that we were going to "princess school" rather than regular school and stuff like that. It's an interesting concept, and I like the start. I was intrigued, and I enjoyed the interaction between the characters. It does need some work on the technical aspect of the writing. There were a lot of grammatical issues with the writing that make it a bit confusing at times. If this was cleaned up then things would be a lot clearer and more professional looking. I would read this again if you tidied it a bit. All in all, this has a lot of potential! It just needs a bit of work. Good job!

This story has potential

This was an interesting read. I liked the descriptions that you put in here and the time that you took to flesh out character. I was also glad that Pam didn't run off with the other guy in the end (it seems like most stories of this genre would have had that happen for one reason or another). This story definitely has a lot of potential, but I think there are some issues that need to be smoothed out. There is way to much telling in this story. I think that if you use more telling it will draw the reader into the story more. For example, in the first chapter, you talk about Bob and you say, "Bob is this and this and this," basically listing out his attributes. This is exceedingly boring. You could make this so much more affecting if you showed this through his words and actions rather than giving us a list. Maybe instead of doing this, give us a scene in the kitchen or at the breakfast table with her and Bob interacting so that we can see how he treats her, how he talks, how he dresses. Instead of telling us how they have raised Joey, show it to us through the way they interact. Of course, you will need SOME telling, but showing empowers your writing, and you should try to do that as much as possible. It might also help if you made the meeting with the young man more significant by providing specific dialogue and a description of him. He must be a pretty significant person to throw her into conflict so fast. Show us him oozing sex appeal through his actions, words, and bearing. Then maybe try to cement her decision at the end to stay with her husband. Or, if that's not what you're going for, show us her desire to do the right thing but also sneak in that trickle of doubt. If you do this, I think it will vastly improve the story. Besides that, there were also some formatting issues with there being big spaces in between the lines, and the formatting of the dialogue was a bit clunky. If you smooth these out, I would definitely be interested in reading it again. I hope that this helps. This story has a lot of potential, it just needs some tweaks to REALLY make it shine. Great work, and happy writing!

An enjoyable start

So I usually don't read vampire stories because they're not really my thing, but I did enjoy this start. It had me interested from the beginning and kept me engaged the entire time. I like this world that you've created - contemporary with the fantastical, inter-dimensional twist. I also thought that having your protagonist (a witch) be a Hunter. It was a very interesting conflict of interests. I also liked the idea of the hunters turning on her so that Isaac has to save her. The end of the last chapter was a sad twist (poor Justin). I enjoyed the story, but I found the characters to be rather bland and generic. I really don't have much of a feel for any of them. I think that if you built on them a little more (showing personality through words, actions, and their interpretations of the world), it would make this story more compelling. There were also frequent typos in here, and there's a bit of a formatting issue. Inkitt does this thing where it smashes the paragraphs together, so you may want to go through and add spaces in between the paragraphs. Other than that, it was an interesting start! I can tell that this has a lot of potential. Great work! I hope you get lots of reads!

OH MY GOSH!!!!

This story is absolutely incredible. I don't know if I've ever been so involved in a story on Inkitt. I wasn't sure if it was going to be my type of story at first, but it immediately drew me in and didn't let go to the very end. I read this thing in two days and stayed up way too late trying to finish it. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!! I can't wait for your next one to come out! On a more objective note, your story was very interesting. I like that you had a nice pace with time in between the action. It was well-balanced. The story plays with the reader's emotions as we see Shy and Michael in their struggles between their emotions and their situations. The characters were really great. Your protagonists were well-developed and likable. I liked that you showed us how they responded differently to different situations. Your side characters were also incredibly well-developed, and by the time I was done I cared about every single one of them. I have never really been a person that "ships" characters, but I really want Shy and Michael to get back together. I would have liked to know more backstory about the two of them, but I assume that's probably coming in later installments. You do a good job balancing their dark sides with their lighter, more likable sides, which is extremely hard to do. The writing itself was tight and evocative. I did notice typos in there but not enough to really distract me from the story. There were a few times when I didn't really think that you needed both points of view (when you tell the story from Shy's perspective and then show the same thing from Michael's perspective). In some places, it works, but in others it seems very repetitive. Another problem I noticed was that you give the reader little warning when you transition, mid-scene. One minute, Shy is doing something in one place, the next it's weeks later and she's doing something else. When you have these big changes where it's still one character's perspective but there's been a big time gap, I would use asterisks or the swirly symbol that Inkitt has made available. Other than that, the writing was really solid. I'm kind of foaming at the mouth right now wanting to know what will happen next, so you've done your job. Incredible work! This should really be published. I can't wait for the next book!!!

Unique and fascinating

I have seen a lot of people try to pull off the concept of heart-reading and such, but I think this is the first story I've encountered that was actually successful at it. I was fascinated from the very beginning, and it didn't lose me the whole way through. I read the whole thing in one sitting. I loved the politics that you poured into this. The way you explained the development of this strange and yet not-so-strange world gave me an immediate feel of why things were the way they were. I haven't yet figured out what the main theme of this story is, but I think it could go in a lot of directions. The plot-line was very intriguing, with the boy that could not be read and the huge, disastrous trial. The despair of the children as they faced a world that demanded perfection was very touching. My favorite scenes were the ones where the courtroom exploded into chaos and the ending scene where Lee first encountered Nara. I liked the characters that you used. Lee and Eri were very enjoyable and relatable. I also liked the boy that couldn't be read Nara, although I am seriously curious as to WHY he couldn't be read. Is this the whole story, or is there to come later on? I loved it all the way through, but I found the ending a bit dissatisfying because there were so many answered questions. Then again, I'm not sure if this is the whole book, so I'm not marking you down for it. There were a few issues that I encountered in the story. In many of the chapters, especially the ones earlier on, the scene would start with simple "he" "she" dialogue tags when I had no idea what "he" and "she" you were referring to. This led to a lot of confusion on my end as I tried to figure out who you were talking about. A little more clarification in some of those areas might be a good idea. :-) I also noticed a lot of grammatical errors and typos in here. The writing really needs to be polished. I could usually follow your train of thought, but there were glaring mistakes in many places. This could probably be fixed with a read-through with a red pen, so no panic. Aside from that, I just had a few areas where I was confused. Why are the people wearing masks? Are they trying to avoid having their hearts read? Or is it something else? I was also very curious as to the purpose of the school. Did the kids live there? What do they study? And then, of course, why couldn't they read Nara? I am very very intrigued by this world you've created and eager to figure out what happens next. I feel like this can't be the end of the story. All in all, this is a great start! The story is fresh and unique, and you've got great characters! There are a few areas that need work, but I would definitely read the rest of this if there is more to come. Great work!

Great potential but needs some work

This story was very interesting and unexpected. I don't think I've ever read a story quite like this, where the younger sister is searching for the older sister's kidnapped daughter. That's a really interesting storyline, and it's got a lot of potential. Good for you for trying something unique! The writing itself needs some work. There was a great deal of grammatical issues and typos. From the first three chapters, I don't get much of a feel for character, so I think I'll focus on that this review. Chapter one is SUPER important because it sets up your premise and introduces your characters. It is super important (as well as super difficult) to draw your reader in within that first chapter. While I was curious as I was reading, there was a real problem with the pacing (this goes for the three chapters, but I'm focusing on the first chapter). There was so much inner dialogue that it kind of clogged up the chapter and made it a slow read. Most of it was also repetitive and seemingly unnecessary. I would try to shift the focus away from her inner world toward Scarlet's outer world. Rather than TELLING us her thought process, SHOW us how she feels through her words, actions, and dialogue. I would take a red pen to a great deal of that inner monologue and let the reader focus on her interactions with other people. That scene with her sister (and later the other characters) is very interesting, so I think it would help if you focused on that more. Let the dialogue and action carry the story. All in all, it's a good start, and it's got a lot of potential. Great work! I hope this helps!

Enjoyable but needs to be fleshed out

I'd never really read one-shots before, so I wasn't sure what to expect, but I enjoyed both of them. I like the idea of just capturing and delivering a single moment to the reader and leaving the rest to their imagination. That must be very hard to do, packing so much into something so small. I was a little confused by the first one. At first, I thought that Eric was on the train with her, but then I realized that those were just flash-backs. It has a lot of potential, but I think that it needs to be fleshed out a little. The second one was clearer to me. I liked that it was very up-front and brief. I liked the emotions that you packed into it -- you could bring even more in if you wanted to! And I liked the argument that Sammie made to keep him from jumping. I would say that you might improve these by including more physical description. Since this is so short, it's hard to get a feel for character. I think that you might help the reader along by telling us what the characters look like, especially in the case of the boy that's preparing to jump. By showing us how broken and haggard he is, you can really show us how much agony the poor thing is in. These are really good, and they have a lot of potential! I would just try to flesh them out a little more. If you did this, I would be glad to read them again. Short fiction is really fun for me, and these are quite enjoyable. Great work!

Dark, ugly, and incredible

I'm not sure what this says about me as a person, but I absolutely loved this story in all its rawness and ugliness. The idea of following such a sick, twisted mind through his struggles in mundane everyday life is so unique and intriguing. You sunk your hooks into me in the first chapter and didn't let go since them. Plot-wise, I'm very curious where this is going...if it will be a story of a madman finding his way back to power or if it will be a story of redemption. I think I would follow it to the end either way. I loved seeing Damon's disconnected interaction with his family and his girlfriend, and I'm very curious as to what Eric is planning and what his true motives are. The characters in this are probably my favorite element. They are deeply developed and three-dimensional. I love seeing things through Damon's eyes and following his depraved struggles. His reactions to different situations are so unexpected, and yet his love for his brother gives him a more tender, sensitive side. Eric and Rick are also very interesting characters with quirks that set them apart. I'm interested in seeing how they fit into the story. The writing style itself is amazing. I love Damon's voice and the way that you vividly depict his emotional struggles. I hope that one day I will be able to write like this. There were a few typos in there, but not enough to distract from the story. The only part that I would criticize was in the second chapter. The first chapter hooked me, but the beginning of the second chapter lulled a little too much. Don't get me wrong, I really like the way that you take the time to explore Damon's psyche, but I think that you should try to bring on the action with his girlfriend a little quicker so that you don't lose the reader. Fight to keep them in your grasp. It was lulling for the first half of the chapter, but seeing his reaction to the drunk man drew me in SO quickly. It was really a brilliant scene. All in all, this is really incredible. I can't wait to see where the story goes! Great work!

Thought-provoking and enjoyable

I have to say, this isn't the type of story that I usually pick up, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Once I started, I couldn't stop, and I finished the whole thing in two days. It was so interesting to see this cast of characters that love art and spontaneity and writing. I could relate to so many of the concepts that were presented, and the idea of bringing more adventure into our lives really challenged me. The plot was unexpected and interesting. I liked the idea of the girl entering Avery's life to "help" her, and I liked the twist ending where Avery's life was turned upside-down. You kept the entire story interesting even when there wasn't much going on. Although I liked the unexpected turn of events (Eden using Avery for ulterior purposes), I was a little dissatisfied with the ending. The whole story is so beautiful, but it kind of fell flat in my mind once revenge was thrown into the midst. I could understand her hurt (I would be ticked off too!), but I was hoping that she would be the bigger person, take what she learned, and go home to make a new life for herself and restore the relationships that Eden broke. It was still good though. I also really enjoyed the characters you had in here. They were very unique and three-dimensional. When I found out that Avery's father was dead, I was really surprised and immediately admired the way you built up to that realization. Avery's development as the lead character was really cool. I liked the way she was challenged, and I like that Jared ended up liking her instead of Eden. She was extremely real and relatable. I would have liked to see her overcome this trick that Eden played on her in the end rather than turning to cheap revenge, but I can't have everything. :-) Eden was an especially interesting character. I can't say that I liked her, but I was always very intrigued by her. I especially liked the times when she revealed a bit of a dark side because that added to her complexity. That being said, I would have liked to know more about that dark side. I wanted to know why there were these sudden spurts of anger and violence, and I was also disappointed that I never got to find out Eden's secret (the one about what she did to her friend's book). Other than that, the characterization was wonderful. You did a brilliant job capturing teen life and throwing in unique people. Great work! The writing style was also very good. I loved the descriptions you used and the way that you evoked emotion into the reader. There were numerous grammatical issues in the story as well as some typos, but technical stuff like that is easy to fix. All in all, this was amazing! I don't read a book all the way through unless it really sinks its hooks into me, and this did that. Great work! I hope this does well in the contest!

Good voice

Chapters 1-3: I just read the first part of your story and really enjoyed it. This is not usually the type of story I like, but your unique voice and writing style made it very interesting to me. I liked the details that you through in and the way that you described people's inward environments. The plot-line with the overly-obsessive ex is a little cliche, but I like where you're going with it so far. Eva is an interesting protagonist, one that I feel I can support, and I'm interested in finding out more about her. Your writing was generally very clean and tight, but I did notice several areas where the grammar seemed a little off. I was also confused by some of the areas where Eva was texting (it might help if you italicize the texts). And also, I would have liked to see more setting in the first chapter. I didn't really have any sense of time or place during that chapter, leaving it a little vague. It's especially critical to give setting through the eyes of the protagonist if you're not going to give a physical description of the protagonist right away. It helps the reader feel more connected and gives them a sense of character. All in all, it's a good start! Great work!

Good start but needs more depth

I just took a look at this story, and I was very intrigued. I would like to know more about this family and the old lady and what's going on. It seemed really too brief for me to grasp what was going on or the implications of the story. You could do a lot more with this if you wanted to. At the end, I found myself wondering if the old lady was responsible for their father dying so quickly. I even wondered if maybe she was the mother, coming to release their father's soul. I think that if you expanded the characters more and gave them some backstory, it would give this story some needed depth. You could start by the physical descriptions of the characters, then move to things like the way they move and the way they talk. Everything a character does should reflect their personality in some way. Short fiction is super tricky because you don't have a lot of time with the reader, so that means that there needs to be a LOT of character in a really small place. You could also make the situation with the old lady scarier by adding some atmosphere. What do their surroundings look like? Is it dark? Does the dark seem to cling to Nathan? Is there a yellowish fog gliding through the streets? That sort of thing can build mood and tension in the reader. If you worked on some of this, I would be very interested in reading this again and seeing what you can do with it. Other than that, just the writing itself needed to be cleaned up, due to issues with grammar. I hope this helps! I would love to see this cleaned up and developed a little more. Great work!

Intriguing

I came across this, and the moment I read the first few sentences, I was hooked. Your story has a wonderful draw that will immediately pull in readers. Due to numerous errors in the writing, I read the prologue and decided to review based on that first part. I thought it was fascinating that you wrote that scene from the perspective of a killer. And a serial killer/Sheriff? That's a really cool concept! You give the reader just enough to be intrigued, which is brilliant. The issue I stumbled across was the writing itself. There were numerous grammatical errors that made it a little difficult to read. If you sweep through and clean that up, you'll really have something here! The plot thus far is extremely exciting (and dark, of course), just try to pretty up the wrapping! Great work!

Enjoyable

I read the first bits of your story and am enjoying it so far. Romance isn't really my preferred area, but I figured I would try and give you some feedback. The idea of the couple being separated by the car accident is very sad. In the first chapter, you do an excellent job of conveying Matthew's grief toward the loss of Jenny and his sexual struggles. Your dialogue in the next chapter was very sweet, until everything went horribly wrong. I think my favorite part of this story so far are the visuals you use and your ability to show rather than tell. You never had to tell us that Matthew was well-off, you showed it to the reader by giving us a look at the inside of his house. I feel like you do a good job conveying Matthew's character just by that scene in front of the mirror and the little snippets of dialogue/monologue. You also did a good job of conveying the scene between him and his lover without getting overly graphic. As a reader that's not super into romance, I appreciated that. Sometimes less is more. When I first started reading the story, I skipped the synopsis. It may be just me, but it felt like a spoiler to have that right at the beginning. I'm not sure why you put it there, but I would just delete it and let the story itself sink its hooks in. Your first chapter has enough draw that it should be able to entice readers. :-) Also, while I liked the snippets of dialogue in chapter one, I thought it was weird that Matthew was just walking around the empty house talking to himself. If I were you, instead of having him talk out loud, maybe use italics and make that a sort of interior dialogue. A way of letting the reader tap into his thoughts. I think it would be much more natural that way. Other than that, the only thing I noticed were little issues with the grammar here and there. I think it's an excellent start to a very enjoyable story. I hope that this helps, and I hope you get lots of readers. Good work!

Intriguing beginning

Not much is handed to the reader in this chapter, but I'm definitely intrigued. The writing was very surreal, and I think that you did a good job setting her dream-like surroundings. I liked the mention of the flower petals tickling her feet. I found it interesting that the girl was almost able to read the dragon's mind. I'm wondering about this special ability and if this is rare in the world she lives in. You have a lot of potential here to go in many different directions. You ended it in such a way that I wanted to know what would happen next. The writing style was clean and evocative. The only thing I would say is that you should cut the rhetorical questions in the first two paragraphs. They seemed unnecessary and a little clunky. All in all, this is a great start, and I'm curious to see where it goes!

I want more!

Chapters 1-5: I just read the chapters that you have posted so far, and I enjoyed them a lot. The chapters were short and action-packed, making them especially fun to read. I like the cast of characters that you've created, and I think the names are very creative. I really like the name Zero for your protagonist. I'm interested in knowing more about him and his father. I'm also excited to learn more about Doctor Terror. The name sounds kind of cliched to me, but I can't make any judgement calls on that until we see him in the story. I like the idea of an insane antagonist. The concept of the virus is very intriguing. When I think of a virus, I think of something that you can't see and that causes sickness, so this is a very different take, making a virus an actual monster. It reminds me of the WAU creatures on a video game called Soma. They weren't viruses, but they were basically a manifestation of a computer program, so it's kind of a similar concept. I'm not sure I can picture what a virus would look like as a monster, so I'd like to see some more description in this. :-) I marked it down because there were technical issues with the grammar and areas where words were missing. It needs cleaned up a little bit, but this has a lot of potential. I'm looking forward to seeing if more chapters come out. Great work!

Fun but a little cheesy.

I read to episode three, and I was definitely intrigued, but it's kind of going the way I expected it to, with the boy stumbling across the guitar and the enigmatic Mr. Music, and the mysterious and dangerous young woman. It's pretty predictable thus far. I think the story would be more interesting if you built the characters more from the beginning and made them more unexpected. I like the idea of the hundred years and the chosen warriors and such, but I found the execution kind of cheesy. Also, I have to ask, is this mean to be a movie script? The formatting was a little strange. I didn't change the rating because of it, but I was curious why it was being written differently. If this is a screenplay or a script, you may want to mention that in the teaser so the reader knows what to expect. The writing was good, but there were some typos and grammatical errors that need to be taken care of. All in all, it's a good start, but I did think it was a little stereotypical. I hope this helps. Good work!

Bizarre but intriguing

Hey there! I just took a look at the first few chapters and I'm interested in seeing where this will go. It was very bizarre. I don't think I've read a story quite like this on the site. It's a brave concept to try to deal with. I think you do a good job of presenting what's going on, the two people sharing the body and the magical elements. I'm not sure what time period you're going for, since with this sort of thing you could lean in just about any direction you wanted. I would say that you may want to try and strengthen the genre, showing the reader whether you're leaning more toward sci-fi, fantasy, present day, or whatever. I liked the descriptions you included, and the dialogue was enjoyable. The reason I stopped was that there were frequent grammatical and wording errors that made it difficult for me to understand. In places, I was getting confused because I wasn't sure what you were trying to say. So maybe try to clean this up a little bit. But this is a great start! I'm interested in seeing where this goes, and it drew me in right away. I hope this helps. Good work!

Really fun read!

Chapters 1-3: I am really enjoying this so far. I was reading the first few paragraphs doubtfully because I really don't have any interest in circuses, but after that I was enthralled. It was so fun watching your characters interact. You introduce quite a few over the course of these chapters, but you immediately gave me a picture of each one of them. Their dialogue was both entertaining and soul-searching. It was highly amusing to read. I think my favorite part in this was where "Scotty" was talking to Lulu, and he was getting disturbed by the fact that she had her eyes rolled back. Every chapter was hilarious and entertaining, and I'm curious to see where this goes. It was definitely not what I expected after reading the intro. The writing was clear and evocative. I don't really have pictures of the main characters, but you've given me such a good look at who they are that I almost feel like I don't need one. Which is very unusual for me, because I'm usually a very visual person. I don't think I ran into any typos or grammatical errors. This is a very clean draft. All in all, this is a great start! I can't wait to see what happens next!

Neat story

I just looked at the beginning of your story, and I like it so far. I'm not sure that it's really my cup of tea, but I figured I would try to give you some feedback. The story is very interesting, with what I assume to be two war veterans talking about their experiences. The imagery in this is very vivid and evocative. I liked the way you handled the PTSD involved and his attitude toward his therapist. The story he tells is appropriately gruesome and well-handled. It was powerful without being gory. I thought your use of the voice in his head was very interesting. It made him seem more disconnected from the situation, like he was on autopilot or trying to help someone else through it. Your description of his feelings was really good. I thought that adding in the picture of Chappie's family was a stellar - and sad - touch. The writing was good but needs to be cleaned up. I ran across numerous grammatical errors and typos. I did enjoy reading this. I hope that it does well in the contest! Good work!

Fascinating

Chapter One: Not much is happening in this chapter, but I was absolutely fascinated by the depth of your character development. I love how you just sat there with the reader and explored Eddward. Usually, that sort of thing gets boring very fast, but this was actually really cool! He's so unique and different from most male main characters that you would expect! The plot is unclear right now, but you've got a great main character to start out with. The writing style was simple but evocative. I ran into numerous typos and grammatical errors. You may want to try to clean it up a little, just to give the reader a more seamless ride. All in all, this is a good first chapter, and I'm interested in seeing where this goes. Good work!

Wonderful start!

I absolutely love this so far! Your character development is very thorough, and I love the way you work the character's old lives into the story. The instances and examples you give from their past lives are very creative. I like your take on the post-apocalyptic scenario with the gang twist, and I like the characters you've set up thus far. The names are also very interesting. Your writing is very descriptive and evocative. I immediately had a picture of the setting and of the mutants in my mind. I didn't notice any typos or errors, so it looks very clean. You've obviously put a lot of time and thought into this. Great work! I hope this does well in the contest!

I love this story!!!

*******Chapters 1-3: I just started reading the first three chapters, and I absolutely love this so far! This is definitely going on my reading list. The writing is very professional and clean. I only ran into a few errors here and there. I absolutely love the way that you're building your characters. There's a great deal of showing rather than telling. The dialogue is really good, but I love your inner dialogue too. Usually it's hard to get into the heads of characters when you're using third person, but you do it very naturally. I am not sure where the story is going so far, but I can't wait to find out! I'm curious as to why Marcus is hiding in the Doctor's office. It was very interesting listening to his rather unstable-sounding thoughts. I also really enjoyed the scene with the Doctor. He seems like an interesting character, and I think that the whole talking to himself thing is a neat touch. I hope that he can help poor Molly. :-) All in all, this is an amazing start, and I definitely think I will continue with this. I hope this does super well in the contest, because this deserves lots of readers. Magnificent work! ***********Chapters 4-7: I just took a look at these chapters, and I'm loving them just as much as the others. I love the way that you're taking your time in building the story and the characters. It always leaves me wanting more. I did into some typos in here, and, in chapters four and five, there were a few areas where I got a little confused. I kept getting mixed up as to who was who, with Sam and Scotty. Other than that, I didn't have any trouble. Holly's situation makes me really sad, but I found the doctor's observations very interesting to ponder. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Cool story, but needs some work

I just took a look at your story, and I was definitely intrigued. I really liked your writing style in the prologue. It had a lot of draw to it that had me hooked right away. Your take on the apocalyptic future with the "beast" and the "falling" was very interesting. I also think it's cool that you chose to tell the story like the reader is looking through a journal. That's often hard to do, but I think you made it work. The writing itself was a little sloppy. For the most part, your sentences made sense to me, but there were a lot of grammatical errors and places where you used the wrong word. For example, in many instances you used the word "are" instead of "our". So your plot and the writing style you used was great, I just think that you need to try to clean it up a little bit. It was a very good start! I was pulled in right away. Great work!

Fun story!

********Prologue through chapter 2: I just read the first couple chapters, and I'm really enjoying this so far! You did a good job setting up the tense relationship between father and daughter, and their relationship seems very natural. The dialogue in this story is really good so far, both between Mike and Jenna and between Jenna and her friends. I'm intrigued as to how the prologue ties in to what is happening in the story. The writing itself was very clean. I would have liked to see some more setting and description, but other than that it was really good! I noticed a formatting issue in there also. When you're switching between perspectives or scenes, it looks like you pressed "enter" several times. A better way to do this may be to use a line or a " *** " symbol so that it is more uniform. Just a suggestion. This starts out really good! I'm excited to see where it goes! Great work! *************

Chapters 3-4: These were really good. We're starting to get into the meat of what's happening. I'm interested in seeing where this goes, with the huge war and the Engineers. Having the girl that disappeared there was a good twist. I liked seeing Mike's reaction to what was happening, although it surprised me that Alex seemed more in control of the situation. There's a lot of mysteries here, but I think that you do a good job of giving the reader just enough to understand. Good work!

Wow!

Chapters 1-3: This is great! I usually don't like these "new girl at school" stories, but I'm actually intrigued by this one. I love the way that you're building up the mystery of the girl's past with her father in prison and her aunt Helen. You did an excellent job of setting up amusing high school characters. I enjoyed your descriptions. Even the way that they moved and talked conveyed details about them. I'm not sure where the plot is going yet, but I'm definitely interested. I'd like to know more about the new town that she's living in, but I'm sure that's coming later. There were frequent typos and grammatical errors, but those could easily be spotted and solved with a read-through and a red pen. All in all, this is a great start! I would definitely continue reading this!

Neat short story!

This was great. I loved the idea of the man that lost his friends to war and then later heard the strange, scuffling sounds that haunted him. I also liked that he later discovered that these sounds were really a comfort rather than a menace. I was expecting things to go horribly wrong, but I'm glad that you didn't. You did a great job of building a relatable protagonist in such a short period of time, and I thought that you also did a good job of setting up the time period, from the setting to the ideals of the protagonist. It was a nice, patriotic, comforting read. The writing itself was clean, and I don't think I ran into any errors. That may have been because I was pulled into the story, of course. :-) Great work! I'd definitely read more by this author!

Great imagery

I really like this story so far! I just read the first bit, but I hope to read more when I get a chance. Your writing is so clear and evocative. It was really just fascinating watching your characters interact and think. I love that you left me wondering but still gave me enough information to be pulled into the story. I am really interested in knowing more about this world that you are creating. The writing itself was tight and concise without being overly flowery. I can't wait to see where it's going. I think that the only part I was uncertain about was the list of gods in the first chapter. It is fine, I just tend to think that when I glance over a story, a list at the beginning sort of turns me off to it. Either way, this is a great story so far. Good work!

Great story!

I had glanced over this a few times and not really been interested because of the information dump right at the top, but this time I actually read past that into the story and was completely sucked in. This is a great story so far. I love the characters that you are building, between your female protagonist with the broken past, the love-struck military leader, and even the abusive orc. I want to see where this goes next! Not much is revealed plot-wise at the very beginning, except that war may be coming, but I think that the writing and the characters make up for that. I'm curious to know why people would want to sabotage the protagonist's work -- charcoal in the wax, etc. The writing itself was good -- it felt very polished -- but I felt like there could have been more showing and less telling. Don't tell us a character is excited, show us their hands knotting together with anticipation. Don't tell us it's a sunny day, show us the sunlight reflecting off the polished windows. In some places, your imagery is absolutely amazing, in others it's a little vague. Also, I'm not sure that the information dump is necessary. That may be information that is vital to your story, but I almost feel like you should mix it in elsewhere because when you put it all right at the beginning, it's kind of hard to get through. Your story has so much draw once the reader gets past that. I hope that this helps. I'm putting this into my reading list so I can read more. Great work!

Intriguing

I like where you are going with this so far. I read the first bit of the story, and while I was confused as to what was going on, I did find it intriguing. It had me wanting to know what was going to happen next. I'm not sure if the beginning was meant to be vague or not -- perhaps a draw to the following chapters -- because not a long was explained about what was really happening in the story. I think that the emotion and dialogue was well done. This felt very reminiscent of anime. I think that this story needs some proofreading though, because there were a lot of sentences that were clunky or just had a lot of fluff that could be cut. Tightening in the sentences would bring this story forward leaps and bounds I think. Great work so far. I'm excited to see where this goes. Hope this helps. ^^

Fun read!

I read the first part of this story and really enjoyed it. The atmosphere and setting for this story is really great -- it leaves the reader wanting more and keeps you intrigued. I really like your portrayal of the main character and how they react to everything around them. I am looking forward to seeing what happens next. I loved the writing style except in the prologue. On one hand, it came across as being from the perspective of a child, which is good, but it was very vague. It didn't employ the senses. I think that if you added more to the prologue so that the reader could really FEEL what's going on, it would help a lot. The prologue is vital because it'll be the first thing your reader sees, so you'll want it to have lots of draw. Other than that, I really like it so far. Great work! And good luck in the contest!

I love this!

Ok, this is just cool. I don't even know how else to put it. I read the first bit and I'm going to keep it on my reading list until I can finish it, cause it's really great so far. I've always been told that the scariest things have a strong anchor on reality, and the idea of ozone depletion, that's not something that is hard to imagine. I usually don't enjoy post-apocalyptic stories, just because the characters are so generic, but I love what you're doing with them so far. They're survivors, but they have more to them than meets the eye. Your description of the struggles that they face is so vivid and gruesome, you don't beat around the bush. I love that. It brings the reader into the struggle and evokes the feeling on them. I found the prologue especially intense, especially with that creepy ending. I'm very excited to see how that ties into the rest of the story. The writing itself is great, but I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to it just because I was so pulled into the story! There were a few areas where there were no spaces between the words, but other than that, it seemed very polished. Great work! I can't wait to see what happens next. I hope that you do well in the contest!

Great beginning

I read the first bit of this story and thought I'd review it while it's still fresh on my mind. I really enjoyed the first chapter from beginning to end. The idea of the slaughter in the night and Rosalia's loss was very interesting. I like how she took things over and became the strong female character that many fantasy stories lack. The plot is very intriguing, but I would have liked to see you explore the happenings of that night in more depth. I think that you could have played up on the description of the room before the murder and then the struggle between her and the assassin. I think that the loss of her innocence might be more affecting if there is more of a fight. If we see her anger and fear and see her struggling for her life and for vengeance over the death of her crow. I am very hooked on imagery, so it would be more powerful to me if the reader could really SEE it rather than having it told to them. The writing itself was generally good, although it confused me toward the beginning. It left me wanting more, so that's always a good sign. I really like where this is going. I think that this could be a really enthralling story if you gave it just a little more. Great work! I hope that this does well in the contest!

Intriguing story, but hard to read

I just read the first part of this story and thought I would review it now. I had mixed feelings about this story. It has a lot of potential, and the beginning had me really intrigued. I wanted to know more about Molly and her struggles. But it was a bit hard to get through. The writing itself made me think of a stream of consciousness type thing, because in a lot of places the sentences blurred together, and there was little to no punctuation. I think that if you worked on the presentation a bit, it would make the story clearer and more legible. Also, would take the bold font off the writing -- it's a little distracting. I hope that this helps. I think that with a bit of work, this could be a great story. Keep writing!

Love this sci-fi!

I just read the first bit of this story and thought I'd review it now before I go any further. I have really enjoyed it so far. The beginning with the battle sequence that changes into a conversation between the young woman and her superior officer was very clever. The way that you portray the characters -- with their outward appearances tying into their personality -- is really well done. It leaves the reader wanting more. You set up quite a bit plot-wise but leave just enough unanswered that there is a lot of intrigue. I definitely want to know what happens next. The writing style was simple and to the point, and I think I've only noticed one typo so far. Great work! I can't wait to see where this goes. I don't have any complaints so far. Good luck in the novel contest!

Great young adult fiction

I read the first three chapters of this story and have really enjoyed it so far. You set up a lot of things plot-wise to keep the reader engaged -- the quiet, studious girl with the seizures, the abusive mother, the dreamy-eyed boy. From the beginning, you do a great job keeping the reader engaged. I think that the protagonist is great, you sympathize for her and she's not just two-dimensional. I thought that a lot of the characters and elements of the story were a bit stereotypical, just what you'd expect in the story of a high school girl. I think that you can make it work if you add layers beneath the clichés, but as it was, it was a bit too much of the expected. I think the character that I found most interesting was the mother's character, just because I don't quite understand her yet and I want to know more about her history and motives. Something that I noticed about the writing was that I loved the way you ended the chapters. They always left me wanting to go to the next chapter, and that's a great thing to employ in your story. The writing itself was very good. I don't think I noticed a single typo going through, and it had very good imagery. I want to see how it turns it. This is great work so far. Good luck in the contest!

Nice pacing

I've just read the first chapter so far, and I really enjoyed this. On the surface, the characters are what might be expected. The free-spirited daughter, the vain, cruel stepmother, the drunk of a father. However, I like how this explores those clichés and brings new life to them. There was a lot going on in the first chapter, and it was very fast-moving, which I definitely like. The thriller style writing with the old Victorian style setting is very unique and interesting. My only complaint is that I think that the setting and feel suffers from the break-neck pace. The reader doesn't get much of a sense of time or place, and it lacks atmosphere, so I think that some more description intermingled through the writing would help quite a bit. Also, there were a few areas when one of the characters was speaking and you forgot the last quotation mark, so the dialogue blended with the following action. Other than that, this is great work. I want to know what happens next! Great work! :-)

Amazing

Okay, I enjoyed your first story, but I liked this one even more. The young boy with the bad reputation and the broken family, his feelings about the situation, it all feels so real and heart-wrenching. I love his reactions to the things around him -- his cynicism makes him all the more likeable for me. I thought that the argument between Sky and his mother was very well done. I felt myself very drawn into this story. And that ending! It really leaves the reader wanting to know what is going to happen next. I can't wait for more of this story to come out. I thought that the description of Jay's fear as he realized he was being followed (the blood rigid in his veins, the hammering heart, etc) was very evocative. This is a great piece of work. I enjoyed the writing itself, but I felt that in places it was little over the top, especially toward the beginning. It almost felt like you were trying to hard, and it made the language a little clunky. I think that more short sentences mixed with the long ones would help the rhythm. Also, toward the end, there were a LOT of rhetorical questions. I feel like they served a purpose at times, but other times it just felt like filler. Anyway, great work! Please let me know when and if you post more of this story.

Intriguing

I have to say, I liked this story from square one. The genius boy with his crushed dream, the bullies and friends at school, the mysterious woman at the end. It all wove together in a way that was both believable and fantastical. It felt very real. I thought that your dialogue was very good, not forced or awkward. It leaves the reader wanting more. There were some typoes through the story that were a little distracting, but another read-through should take care of those. I thought I saw you saying something about not liking your writing style on a post, but I thought that it was great for this story! My only critique would be to add more description and feeling to the part where the woman, Carlos, and Adam are soaring up into the air -- that part felt a little vague and rushed. I can't wait to read more of this. Great work!

UPDATE: I really like the changes you made here. You eliminated a lot of the typoes (although there are still a couple), and it was a lot smoother. And I thought that your description of the characters flying was a lot better. It made it feel much more real. Great job!

Great story!

Wow, this really left me hanging! I want to know what happens next! The writing in this was really great, especially toward the beginning. That first description you give us is just great. Although we are only acquainted with them for a little while, your characters feel very real and tangible. The interactions between grandmother and granddaughter was very good, and I want to know if the grandmother survived the ordeal! I liked the idea of the crow and the strange incantations. Your ending was very abrupt and it leaves the reader desperate to know what happens next. My only complaint would be that I wanted more description during the part where they are flying. It was dealt with very casually, so I didn't really have a picture in my mind. It might have been an opportunity to explore the setting of the story a little more. Anyway, great work! Let me know when and if you post more of this story, because that cliff-hanger is killing me!

Neat fanfiction

Although I do not know what this is based off of, I enjoyed this quite a bit. I felt like it was a very powerful story, and I liked the way that you conveyed the relationship between Jace and Clary. I was really worried about him losing her, so you did a great job engaging me as a reader. The beginning had a good draw to it. I would have liked to know more about what attacked them and why, but perhaps if I knew the fandom I would better understand. Also, I have a thing for fight scenes, so I think that it would add some entertainment if you would have described the fight a little more. I also really liked the interaction toward the end between Alec and Jace. It was believable. There were some grammatical errors and places where you used the wrong word, but it wasn't very distracting. Great work! I'd love to read more by this author! :)

A Jedi tale

I have to admit, I'm not really one for Star Wars, but I did enjoy this. The dialogue was excellent, and I like the intrigue that you developed, especially toward the end. This story has real potential, and I'd like to see what the Padawan does to get out of the situation. The reason I marked this down was because of the lack of description. To me, Star Wars is about all the stark colors, different worlds, and strange characters. I think that if you deployed more of that into your story, it would really empower it. Use every possible tool you can to draw the reader in and keep them there to the very end. Very well done! I hope that this does well in the contest! :)

A tragic tale

Most of the time, I don't like stories that don't have specific dialogue, but you pulled it off masterfully in this story. The writing was powerful and the story even more so. Despite his arrogance and perhaps vanity, I sympathized with the main character and his plights. It hurts to fall from such a high plane. And I like how you tied it all right back to that specially, sun-shaped mirror. I also enjoyed the setting and the incorporation of the movies and Hollywood. It made it even more interesting and gave it a grounded setting. Very cool story. Well done! I love your writing.

Great beginning

I loved the way this story drew me in so quickly. From the very start, I wanted to know what was happening and what was going to happen. Your characters were well done and enjoyable. I wasn't expecting the niece to be so rude, but I think it shed more light on Max's character. The plotline itself was interesting, with Max and his super-strength, and I liked the way that that curiosity manifested itself in the story. The writing was simple and descriptive, but at times I felt like you were telling the reader too much. Over-stating the obvious, I suppose. I've read an equation that went like this: First draft - 10% = Second draft. I think that if you cut the fluff from this story, it would really empower it. Also, I thought that the constant jumping back and forth between past and present and changing perspectives didn't really work. A little is okay, but, at least in the first chapter, it felt like you switched almost half a dozen times. I'm not sure what a fix for that would be, but I personally thought that it was a little hard to follow. Other than that, it was a really great story, and I would definitely read more of it. Very good work. Keep writing!

Layered and tangled

This was a really cool story because every time I thought I understood what was going on, you layered more on. Between the backstory with her mother and the handsome stranger, plus the added heartbreak with Aaron and the mention of magic, you've got a real interesting beginning. I've only read the first couple chapters, but I am very intrigued. You have created a tangled storyline befitting the name, because I definitely feel like I've waltzed "into the briars". The characters are very 3D, and the love interest -- bad boy on the outside, Scottish softy on the inside -- was a fun addition to the cast. I marked this story down in a technical sense, so the problems I noticed should be easy to fix. Firstly, I personally didn't really like the amount of swearing. I realize that swearing is something that you can use to convey character -- and in some situations characters are going to swear, good or bad -- but it was used so much that it just felt unnecessary and made the writing feel cluttered. There was also, mostly toward the beginning, a lot of adverbs that made the writing sort of clunky. Besides that, it was just some grammatical errors that distracted from the writing. Very well done! This story kind of reminds me of Caitlyn E Jones' story, "Chimehour". I would definitely read more of this. Very well done! :D

A cute story

I thought this was a very fun short story. The idea of the dragon and the man that encouraged him to explore the outside world, the conveyance of feeling. And that last line was great! I loved the creativity that you employed into this piece. I thought that this could have been stronger toward the beginning -- perhaps through a stronger description of the oppression that dragon suffered or through something a little more hands-on for the reader. I was a little confused at first. I also wondered why the man was called Monster Mozart. Was he actually a monster or was it something else? I think the layers was what really made this story. A few technical fixes could really make this shine. Hope this helps. Great work! :)

Very enjoyable

I liked this story a lot. I thought that for the most part it stayed true to the feel of Harry Potter. It was very funny, and I liked the whole interaction. I was a little confused though. From what I understand, this is some sort of alternate story where Lily and James are still alive while Harry is a boy? The setting and time could use some clarification. I also wanted to point out that at one point Malfoy says, "Breakfast please," to Dobby. It didn't sound in character for him, especially since he's not treating Dobby well later.

The scene with them coloring the pictures was very funny. And Harry saying, “Whoa, my name's nine syllables now!” had me busting up. The humor element was very well done. It came to a bit of a rocky stop, only because it didn't seem to stand alone and I wasn't sure whether or not there was more.

I enjoyed it a lot! It was very well done. I hope that this helps. :-)

Phantom of the Opera Fanfiction

Although I don't know the story of the Phantom of the Opera, I really enjoyed this story. The writing was very evocative, and it really put a picture of time and setting in my mind. The voice of the story really added to the character development. The idea of the time travelling -- or whatever really happened to her -- is a typical storyline, but it works very well because you approach it in a fresh way. I have only read the first two chapters, but it has really drawn me in. I'm interested to see what happens next, especially since she's working in the theater now. I've also decided that I have to go see the Phantom of the Opera movie so I know more about what exactly is going on. My favorite part of your writing is the word-crafting itself. It was so smooth and interesting. Very well done!

Before 24

I read the first chapter and am really enjoying it so far. I never thought about what Jack was like in his younger years, so I found it quite interesting. I never pictured him as being hot-headed, but I could see where he might be. The plot line is intriguing, and I'd like to see what happens next. I like the tension of his father pulling him one way and Jack's desires pulling him another way. It brings more layers into the story. Your writing style was quite enjoyable too, but there were a lot of grammatical errors and places where words were missing. Just technical stuff like that. The setting was excellent, and I feel like you know your stuff. I don't know a whole lot about present-day (or close to present-day) Middle East is like, so that made it all the more intriguing to me. I liked this a lot and hope to read more soon. Really good work!

Chapter two: This was just as engaging as the first, and I think that the shorter length worked better. I really like how you portray the bad guys as being human, not evil stereotypes that just walk around going "Fear me! I am evil!" Your writing gives me a real feel for the setting, and I just love that. I'm curious to know what this story is based off of, because it's been very interesting so far. There were still a lot of grammatical errors and missing words, but I don't want to harp on that since I pointed it out before. Great chapter!

Chapter three: You have a way of fleshing out your characters that I just LOVE. It really brings me into the story. I didn't notice any grammatical errors, so it was either much better or I was too engaged to notice. I was a little confused in one of the scenes where it was talking about the Polish man (I can't remember his name) because at first I thought you were talking about the other guy (Rakkash?). That may just be because I'm not used to the names though.

Chapter four: Things are really picking up now! I love the relationship between Jack and the girl, although I can't help but feel that she is either doomed to die or to turn bad. But that might just be my 24 paranoia showing through. That ending had me going "Oh crud!". Great chapter!

Chapter five: This was super exciting! You handle the fight scenes very well and kept me I suspense the entire time. The terrorists were cruel and nasty, and I love that in a bad guy. It really increases the stakes when you know that the badguys aren't messing around. I also loved Jack's ingenuity in this chapter. This is the Jack I know and love. :)

Chapter six: This story is so good. I love the way things are coming. It keeps me guessing and is exciting at every turn. I love how you included the stuff about the Rapture and the Tribulation. It's not in your face, but I think it really adds character (not to mention witness) to the story.

Chapter seven: Very gruesome, but I liked the way it was handled. These guys are awful. I enjoyed the interrogation scene even though I was cringing a little.

Chapter eight: Whoa! This was intense! When I realized that the Israeli leader was leaking, I was going "NO!!!!" It was very unexpected, which made it even more reminiscent of the TV show.

Stormshadow fanfiction

I have always loved stormshadow, from the old TV show and the new movies. He's always been my favorite, and after seeing the way you've handled his character in the first three chapters, I'm not at all disappointed. Using his disappointment and resentment after taking away his dream is a brilliant way to get the reader's sympathy. His voice in the story, though very simple, is interesting and really gave me a look into his head. I can't tell where the story is going yet, but I am certainly enjoying it so far. I think that my favorite scene out of the first three chapters was his interaction with the female ninja guarding the vase. It was very unexpected, and I just love that. The reason that I marked this story down was because there is a devastating lack of description of any kind. After three chapters, I still have no picture in my mind of time, setting, or any of the characters. The protagonist's own past is still unclear. I think that if you delved deeper into the setting, it would illuminate the story a lot, and description also does a lot for character development. I LOVE ninjas. Always have. I'd like to know more about what their clan is like, how life is, where they live, what they live in. That sort of thing. It would really add to the story. Either way, I enjoyed this a lot and would definitely read more. It's very enjoyable and well done. I hope that you do well in the contest and get lots of readers. Great work!

Purge: Corruption Dies

I read the first chapter of this story and enjoyed it very much. The beginning was enthralling and drew me in immediately. Throughout the story, with only a few exceptions, I was always unsure of what would happen next. It was very unexpected, and I just love that. The story itself was interesting, and liked the idea of the Chimera. It was a fresh look at an old monster. Your characters were also very entertaining, especially Dai, who I'm guessing you had a lot of fun writing about. I marked it down because there were quite a lot of grammatical errors that distracted from your writing. Also, whenever you described a character or a creature, you did a lot of telling rather than showing, and the descriptions were a bit stereotypical. For example, instead of saying that the Chimera had a muscular chest (or something to that effect) you could say something along the lines of "Black goo (or sweat, etc) ran down the creases in the creature's muscular chest". I think that that would liven up your writing. The weapons that Dai uses is super clever, and I thought that his interaction with Stephanie at the end was very funny. There was one thing that confused me though. How on earth did Dai survive a 75-foot-drop without dying or being severely injured? Was it because of Stephanie? A little clarification would help in that arena. This really was an enjoyable story! I would read more of it. I hope that this helps. Good work!

Beautiful

I love this poetry. Its flow and smoothness and fluidity paints a fantastic picture in my mind. I ended up reading it several times just because I was so beautiful. I loved the different depictions and meaning included in this. It really made me think, and that, to me at least, is a sign of great writing. I really enjoy your writing. Thank you for sharing!

Great romance!

This was definitely not the normal cheesy story that I picture in my mind when I think of romance. This beginning chapter really had some substance to it, not all the ushy-gushy. I loved it from beginning to end. It kept me engaged, and I loved the interaction between Jess and Thomas as he drove her to the hospital. It was very well done. I can't wait to see what happens next! Please let me know when you post more of this story, because it landed in my favorites reading list. The reason I marked it down was because I feel like I would have liked to see more build-up during the car wreck. It felt a little rushed, and I think that if you slowed it down a little, it would make the story a lot more vivid. Also (and this might not be something you want to change) I thought it was strange that her mother didn't seem very worried when she heard that Jess was in the hospital. My mom would be freaking out. This was a REALLY great beginning though, and I just loved the whole car ride scene. I hope that this helps. Very well done! This story deserves to be read!

Engaging

I think this is my favorite story by this author. I read the first few chapters, and I found it very interesting. I liked the combination of people and races as a band of unlikely companions go on a quest for their lord. Your characters were very well done; I like the potential of the selfish leader, Drew, and his best friend and brother, Justin. I would have liked to know more about what the other races looked like, but I think your descriptions were well done. I didn't really like the first chapter however, and it's because the beginnings where the author does an information dump about the world (even if it is labelled as a prologue) bores me. This may just be personal preference, but I think that you should kill the prologue and just work the information into the rest of the story. This story was definitely enjoyable though, and I would certainly read more of it. Good work!

Intriguing but a little dull

I have mixed feelings about this. I read the first chapter, and I definitely enjoyed the second half. The first half didn't really draw me though. The whole dream sequence -- though you made it feel very dream-like -- seemed very distant and inconsequential. And I think that a big part of it was the lack of dialogue. Dialogue in the first half would have helped me to connect more with what was going on. Also, throughout the story, you use the same words repetitively, and it makes it read kind of clunky. The second half -- besides the issue of the wording -- was very enjoyable though. From the point where he woke up, I was completely engaged. And that ending! I stared at my computer screen going, "What? NOOO!" This story has a lot of potential. It just has a few kinks that need to be worked out. I hope that this helps. Good work!

Wonderful!

I read the prologue, and I enjoyed it a lot. It drew me in, and I can't wait to read more. The plot itself was interesting, and I found myself very attached to your main character with his calm attitude and determination. I think it has a lot of potential, but I noticed a few things that may (and this is just my opinion) be holding it back.

1. I wasn't satisfied with the war just...happening. I think that something that big and devastating should have a clear beginning point. Maybe you will include this later, but from what I could tell, it looked like it was just going to be left that way. And I was curious about why people started getting powers. Was it the result of nuclear weapons? Chemical weapons? Something totally different? Again, this might be answered later, but I feel like the absence of these answers left the prologue a little holey.

2. There were some grammatical issues here and there, but it was very minor. I loved the writing style that you used in this story.

3. I wasn't sure how I felt about you switching between first and third person three times in the chapter. It works, but I think that it would read clearer if it was one or the other.

This was a really great start. You have me excited to know what happens next. I really hope that this helps. Good work!

Amazing sci-fi

I can honestly say that I've never read sci-fi quite like this. Looking through the eyes of a "Kniv" pilot was extremely invigorating. My interest is peaked. I loved the main character with his cool, calm attitude throughout it. I read the prologue, and I would definitely read more, because I thought that it was fantastic. I loved the last scene in the prologue and Sani's last words were just PERFECT. This is definitely a contest winner. I marked it down for a couple reasons. First, there were several spelling and grammatical errors that I noticed. Second, I would have liked to know more about the Knivs. I found it very surprising that he could feel pain when it was damaged, and I was curious as to how that worked. I love details. Good work! And good luck in the contest!

Great sci-fi

I really enjoyed the last four chapters of this story. The characterization was great, and I loved where you were going with the story, Cate trying to find her brother, the ship that was sending out the distress signal. I especially loved the argument in the sixth chapter. The dialogue was natural and just excellent. However, I found the first two chapters confusing, and I wasn't really sure what Cate was doing. I'm assuming, now, that she did something to get onto the ship where her father was? It just seemed kind of confusing at the time. Also, I'd like to know more about the interior of the ship and what exactly its purpose is. I think that if you added that setting, it would help to strengthen the story and paint a picture in the readers mind. This story has real potential. I hope that this helps. Good work!

Just plain fun

I could really tell that the author had fun writing this. Although I'm not sure what this is based off of, I really enjoyed it too. You gave me just enough information to understand it, then let the characters carry the rest. The best part of this was the interaction between the two characters and the way that they mixed. I liked that this didn't get disgusting (seriously, thank you for that) and the ending made me giggle. Great work!

I love this!

This is a great beginning! You have me hooked, and I want to see what happens next. I like the idea of the super soldiers going after III and them needing to bring a civilian into the mix. I want to know how things turn out! I loved it from beginning to end. The part where III was talking to the General over the screen was very well done. The characterization in this story was also excellent. My main complaint in this story (besides the grammatical errors that are in all NaNoWriMo stories) is that sometimes you tell the reader the obvious far too much. For example, you said that the general was becoming infuriated at III's arrogance. Well, from the dialogue we could tell that III was arrogant, and we knew that the General wasn't happy, so that sentence just cluttered it up, if you know what I mean. There were several incidents of that. This is a really good start though. Please let me know when you post more, because I'm hooked now!

Vivid

The writing in this story was just fantastic. It was descriptive and intoxicating and gave me a very clear picture of the time and setting. I like how it has a kind of old England feel to it....just with magic. I immediately had a sense of the characters that you were presenting, and I loved their interactions. I was especially intrigued by the man in the silver mask. When I got to the end, I was going "NOOOO!" I need to know what happens next! I hope that you will be posting more soon! The plotline was also very interesting, and it took quite the wild turn toward the end.

My only complaint is that there were some grammatical errors scattered throughout the story. Nothing serious though. Also, there were several places where you used the word "It's" when it you have been "Its".

Up to chapter three: I just read more of what you posted, and I enjoyed it a lot. It just seems so unique and fresh, and I love the characters that you have employed. The scene in the sewers where the dead thing came back to life was very well done. Very scary...but very well done. I also very much enjoyed her interaction with the other characters (I'm horrible with names, so I can't remember.) There was still some grammatical errors, but those can be easily fixed. I was a little confused in a few places though. I wasn't sure about the nature of the "attack". Unless I missed something, it didn't seem like an attack but more like a spontaneous fire. And also, I would like some more clarification as to the nature of the magic that Minerva has. I love it because it's unique, but I don't quite understand it, like why couldn't she heal herself in the goblin tunnels and why did she need candles while investigating the "dead" creature. Just a couple things like that. I hope that you will post more soon, because I am REALLY enjoying this story so far. Happy writing! (And I love your name by the way! It's so cool.)

I hope that there is more to come, because I certainly enjoyed this. Great work!

So sweet!

This was a really great story. I loved the main character with his quirky mannerisms and love for candy. All the characters were well-rounded and three-dimensional, and it's hard to do that in a short story like this. I especially liked the scene where Kensworth (I think that's his name?) was at the candy shop with all the little kids. It was so sweet! The dialogue in this was also really good. It flowed and felt very natural. I had a good feel of time and place from the beginning of this story, and the writing was very simple and descriptive. I loved it from beginning to end, and I really want to know what happens next. This writing is really great. I would definitely read more by this author. Great work!

Amazing characterization

This was really good! I enjoyed this first chapter so much! I think my favorite part was the interaction between the brothers and the fact that each one of them was memorable. Often times, when you introduce that many characters at once, it becomes confusing, but not with this story. I really enjoyed the sense of tension that you sprinkled throughout it. The setting was great, and you gave me a really clear picture of the time and place. I want to know what happens next! This is going to drive me crazy until the next chapter comes out! You really know your craft. Great job!

Cool idea

I read the prologue, and I like what you have going with the basic storyline, but I found it kind of confusing. In the first scene, I wasn't sure if the baby had just been born and if Kate was the mother, and I don't quite understand why and what is coming after the baby. I think that this was kind of rushed. Maybe if it was slowed down with a little more description it would become clearer. Although, maybe you were trying to be vague to intrigue the reader? I liked the basic idea of the story, and it did draw me, I just found it a little clunky in presentation. It definitely has potential though. Good work!

Exciting

This one really had me on the edge of my seat. I wasn't sure WHAT was going to happen. I loved the idea of the girl sneaking out at night to read the manuscript and of the dragon attack. I want to know what happens next and if she finds the dragon. However, I was extremely confused about the time and setting of this story. I'm assuming it's a fantasy world.....with guns and aircraft? I think that this could use a little clarification. Also, I still don't know what kind of school she is going to or why the manuscript was not allowed. Perhaps this will come later in the story? Either way, I really enjoyed this, and I can't wait for more to come. Good work! And good luck in the contest!

Good fanfic

I personally enjoyed the movie, The Labyrinth, and I thought that you did a really good job playing off the end of that story and creating your own. I read the prologue and the first chapter. I like that you based it from Jareth's perspective, as I always liked him. But I thought that he seemed kind of one-dimensional in this story. I want to see more of him than just his brokenness and his bitterness toward the girl who broke his heart (In the movie, I never understood why he liked her in the first place). It was a good story though. I like where it's going. Well done!

Really great!

I enjoyed this short story very much! It was unexpected and interesting. You really painted a picture in my mind, not only of the setting and characters but also of the time that this was set in. A lot of times, this gets left out of short stories, so well done! I loved how the girl used a song and how she was able to affect the protagonist in so many different ways. The ending was very well done, leaving the reader with an interesting twist to mull over. I kind of wanted to see the protagonist suffer a little more at the hands of the girl. This might sound creepy, but just like I was able to FEEL his affection toward this girl, I want to be able to FEEL that something isn't wrong and that he's suddenly afraid. I want to feel him dying. Just a thought. I think that if you give it a little more, it will be much more chilling. Either way, good work! I liked this a lot!

Creepy

For a short story, you sure managed to pack a lot in here, and I definitely admire that. It was very interesting with a chilling ending. Your writing was well done, and I didn't notice any problems. I would have liked to know more about the setting though. I think you mentioned her being apart of a tribe? Like an indian tribe or something totally different? A little clarification would help. Either way, good work! And good luck in the contest!

Sad and beautiful

Very well done! This story was intriguing and kept me drawn in throughout the entire expanse. I would have liked to know more about what exactly happened to Adam, but I loved the depth of character portrayed in this story. Between Adam's determination and faint pride, it gave this story a whole new layer. I feel like this story SAYS something, whereas a lot of stories don't I wouldn't be surprised if it rises through the ranks. The plot was well done as well, all though I expected that the dinner party wasn't going to be what he thought. I marked it down because some of the sentences could use rewording, but your writing style is great in this story. Just give it a little more. Well done! Good luck in the contest!

Brilliant!

I love the whole idea of people hunting down magic users and killing them, the secrecy and suspense of it. It was quite exciting. And I liked the interaction between Jack, the Red Witch, and the old lady in the cottage. Both the plot and characters was very well done. I marked it down because in a lot of places you used the wrong word (for example, week instead of weak.) and there were also quite a few grammatical errors. If you go back and fix those, it will look much more professional. Good work!

This is really great!

I loved this short story, and I wasn't sure how you were going to be able to wrap it up in the end in a satisfying way...but you did! I loved how deeply you delved into the characters and their situations. I was immediately attached to all of them. The element of dark humor in it was extremely well done. I'm totally nitpicking to find areas that need improved. I would have liked a description as to what the Undead looked like. I mean, everyone can kind of guess, but I wanted a little more. Also, I found it strange that Zac was able to crawl "on hands and knees" through his little hidey-hole. I expected him to have to drag himself. But maybe that's just me. Anyway, good work! I enjoyed this a lot!

Interesting

I was intrigued by the story, but I'm a little confused as to whether or not more is coming. If this is all there is, I think that it needs more, but if it is the beginning of a longer story, it's just where it needs to be. I liked the idea of the relationship and of them having to separate. I didn't like all the sexual stuff though (I skipped over most of it), and I'm not sure that it was necessary. That's your call though. It definitely has a certain amount of intrigue to it, and you had it packed full of emotion, so well done there. I would read more of this story. Good job!

A good beginning

I always love reading about characters that are on a college campus, and I enjoyed the first two chapters you have posted. I liked the characters that you built and the idea of the girl being in love with her best friend. The writing was simple and well done; I only spotted a couple of errors. I'd like to see you do more with the main character, maybe by showing different aspects of her character, but it's still early. It's a very good beginning, and I would definitely read more. Well done! :D

Great beginning!!!

I only read the first chapter, but I plan on reading more and updating this review. I loved the intrigue of the main character's supernatural abilities and of this war that is ravaging her land. The whole scene with her taking care of the Watchman was very well done, and I liked that you didn't really beat around the bush with his injuries. Although, I kind of thought it was strange that she just pulled the bolt out and stitched him up. I expected her to clean his injury to make it less likely to become infected. Either way, my interest is peaked. I like this a lot, and I hope that you do end up publishing it. Great work!

Yikes!

I love that you packed so much in here even though it was a short story. I liked the basic idea of the strange boy and the mysterious killings. That said, I think you could empower this story by drawing it out more and giving us more time to be afraid. I knew right away that the boy was evil, but maybe if they would have conversed for a while or something, it would have added more suspense. I liked that you gave it a chilling ending, but I would have liked to have known more about what the boy was and what he meant by the phrase, "Today you die. Tomorrow you wake." It was well done though, and I think it has a lot of potential. Good work! :D

Very good

At first, I wasn't sure where you were really going with the story, but I think you brought that first chapter together very well. I love this new twist on fairy tale creatures being in new Rome present day. This caught my interest, and although I guessed from the beginning that the main character was a werewolf, I found it very intriguing. I like the main character, and now he's dying on the floor! I want to know what happens next! Your description of Prince Charming's hideout was very good. The only problem I had with this was the amount of obscenity, but that's just personal preference. Great work! Let me know if you post more of this story!

Good description

From the beginning, you gave me a vivid picture, from your description of "Dion" to the portrayal of what had happened to the world. The story has a dark (and obviously apocalyptic) feel that I really like. I'm curious to know more about where the Mana came from and what is going to happen next. Already, I feel an attachment to the main character, so good work there. The reason I marked it down was because of some spelling and grammatical errors. And also there were places where it just wasn't smooth. A few corrections would make it a lot easier to read.

Please let me know when you add more to this story! You certainly won my vote. Good luck in the contest! :D

Dark

Very well written. I liked your depiction of the character, Death. The writing was smooth and flowing. Although it was a very short chapter, I was drawn in and want to know what will happen next. I found the sorceress character to be an interesting twist. She made me think of Morganna from Dragons in our Midst, for some reason. Good work. I can't to see what happens next! : )

Intriguing

The story really drew me in. I liked your voice and the way you conveyed the characters. I could really picture them in my mind, inside and out. And then there was that twist in the end... I want to know more about what is going on! The writing and plot was extremely enjoyable. I could really sympathize with Margo and Lyon's relationship and the complications there. I only marked it down because of some spelling and grammatical errors, and there was a strange change in the writing style toward the end. I really enjoyed the story! I hope you do well in the contest!

Simple and fanscinating

I love it when an author can take the same story (a commoner marries a prince and becomes a princess) and turn it into something completely new. The idea of the girl who worked the apple orchard and the mysterious stranger that helped her expand her business was very good. I never expected him to turn out being the prince, although I suspected that he loved her. The writing was clear and evocative and kept me reading. The only reason I marked it down was because it moved a little slow in places. Good work!

Good beginning

I only read the first chapter so far, but I hope to read more soon. (Just so you know, I would classify this as supernatural. I think it would do well in the contest.) I liked how you incorporated the music lyrics into the story -- it helped to give a good look at the main character and some of his hidden scars. Plot-wise, I'm not sure where it is going so far, but I like it. The reason that I marked it down was because of some spelling and grammatical errors. It was quite enjoyable. Hope this helps. Keep writing! :)

Chilling

That last line... Wow. Creepy stuff. It is a great story, with the teenage boy leaving written messages in a bathroom stall for the mysterious "K". I think that this story could be even more powerful if it was expanded. I wanted to know more about why the boy hated life, what his family was like, what his school was like. As it is, I never even got to know his name. Either way, I enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest!

Fascinating

I wasn't even planning on reading this story, but I glanced at the beginning and was sucked right in by the first paragraph. This story seemed very unique to any fantasy that I have read because of the technology involved. It reminded me of Skyrim a little bit. The beginning interaction between the nephew and his uncle was intense....and then hilarious. I loved it. The protagonist, Amando, is quite enjoyable, even in his arrogance. And the other characters are just as interesting. I liked his cousin's thoughts on what it was to be a royal and the way you made Amando's visit feel nostalgic. This is one of the best stories that I've read on here so far, and I hope that you will add more to it soon. It thrust me right into the story and kept me drawn to the very end. Also, his interaction with DIANA was quite enjoyable too.

Great work! Please, let me know when and if you post more.

Unexpected

I thought that this was a very good story. I liked that the main character was a "failure" but that she wanted to be better. The idea of the magic and apprenticeship was enjoyable. I thought that the test the wizard did was unexpected and very good. I was pretty worried when she ran out of time. I would have liked to have known more about what the "Mana" looked like, but that was just a little thing. Good work!

Love it

I didn't think you could top that beginning chapter, but you certainly did. This was great! I thought that your description of the "Ancient Ones" and their interaction was quite interesting. And I loved the third chapter! You really evoked Bergen's fear of what the demon might do to his family. I was on the edge of my seat. You really know your craft. Great work!

Very interesting

It definitely wasn't what I expected. I liked the idea of the murder investigation and of the "Order" that seems to be so corrupt. Your writing was evocative and enjoyable. However, I didn't quite understand exactly what place the Order had in society. Why are they shut out from the rest of the world? Why can't anyone come in? Also, when Gali broke in I actually thought that it was a flashback rather than something that was happening currently. I think that I was confused because it was just a little too rushed. Other than that, I really enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest!

Great story, but rushed at the end

Great description of the party! You gave me a clear picture of that...and of the protagonist...right off the bat. Although he was not a very nice person, I liked him. The interaction between him and the ninja was very funny, and I liked the way things ended up. It seemed very unique. However, I thought the ending, after Chris died, was a little rushed. And it seemed like you defaulted to telling rather than showing. But other than that, I really liked this story. Good luck in the contest!

Chilling

Although it happened just as I expected it, it was quite enjoyable. I liked the inner dialogue of the main character and the way he carried himself, but I thought that we should have gotten to know more about the character. I hope that you will add more to this. :) Good luck in the contest!

Too much missing

I like where the story is going, and the action is good, but I didn't really understand what was going on after the first chapter. I understand that you may be trying to create an air of mystery, but right now it is just too vague. We need more of an idea of setting. Where are they? What is the social climate? What on earth is the Dala? Just stuff like that. I enjoy Kim's character, but I think that you need to reveal more about him. Right now he feels a little wooden. Also, at the end of the first chapter, you mentioned a box resting on a mountain I think? I had a hard time picturing it.

It is a good beginning, it just needs a little work. I would love to read more. Keep writing!

It's getting there...

I like the idea of this story -- the reluctant, rebel princess -- but I think that it needs some work in the delivery. There were a lot of grammatical issues that need to be fixed. I think that the main problem with this story is that there is too much telling and too little showing. The princess thinks, I hate doing this, but you could show her hating it -- looking at it with disdain, comparing it to something else she doesn't like, etc. Just stuff like that. I would like to know what happens next, however. Keep writing!

Almost there

I thought that it was an interesting story, but it needed more. I'm not clear on Josh's relationship with his mom or his uncle. Why does he hate him? What's his problem with his mom? Is there a dad? Just detail stuff. Also, it seemed like you jumped from place to place a lot. There was no setting and little to no description of the characters. I think that would add a lot more emotion to what was happening.

Good work. Keep writing!

Amazing story

I have only read the first couple chapters but decided to start a review now. I would like to say that you are a very talented writer. I was drawn in from the very beginning. The sheer emotion and tension of this piece is wonderful. I love the characters that you have provided so far -- Bensin, Ellie, Shigo, the owners, etc. I can't wait to learn more about this world that you have created. You build up our hopes with the prospect of escape and then hit us right in the chest with the plan's failure. As for the writing itself, it flows beautifully. I think that Bensin's inner dialogue fits in well and provides more to his character.

Wow. Just wow. I really love this story. I hope to finish it soon. Great work.

Needs more detail

Plot wise, what I understood seemed to have potential, but a lot didn't quite make sense to me. If this is a teaser for something more, it does its job. But it doesn't stand alone. This bit of writing could definitely benefit from more details. I wasn't sure if the son killed the dad to free him or if something else happened. Why are they immortal? Why are they so controlled? Just stuff like that.

I think this has potential. It puts hooks in the reader from the beginning, but I think that it needs a little work. Keep writing! :)

Good outline

Assuming this is only the synopsis of a longer story:

I think this would be a very good story. For some reason to me it has a distinct Ender's Game feel to it. The idea of the eDNA is interesting and a little scary. There were bits that I didn't quite understand, but there is only so much information that you can pack into an outline. The ending was quite chilling, unexpected. I enjoyed this a lot. The reason I marked it down was because in some places your sentences were so long and complex that I had a hard time reading them. Sometimes shorter sentences can be used just as well.

All in all, good work! And good luck in the contest!

Great battle scene

So often I read battle scenes that are either too detailed or too vague, but I thought this way very good. It put a strong picture in my mind. For such a short bit of writing, you gave me a great sense of character and setting. I was immediately rooting for Gramm. Your descriptions were short and evocative. I loved the line about Gramm that said "he only felt alive when he was near death". The fact that the elf king was a man and not an elf gave the writing an element of mystery. You left just enough open to leave us wanting more. This is great work. The only thing that I thought could be improved was the description of the monster, Angaari. (Awesome name, by the way. XD ) I found it a little hard to picture.

I hope that you will add more soon. Good luck in the contest!

Great story

I hope that this is only the beginning, because I loved it. The idea of the druid drew me in. I loved the way that you took the time to develop your characters. Through telling their stories around the campfire and showing us a few sentences about appearance, you were able to present believable and enjoyable characters. Not only that, but I think you also give the reader a great feel for the age that the story is set in. The dialogue was personalized and unique. I would have liked to have known more about what the "volsark" were, but that's just part of keeping the reader engaged. From beginning to end, I enjoyed this story. The characters in it gave me a Vikings sort of feel.

One issue: I thought that you needed spaces between your paragraphs. As it was, it was a little difficult to read.

Loved it. Good luck in the contest!

The beginning of a fantasy epic?

The story was very interesting from beginning to end. I loved the idea of all the different races and of the adventures that happened in the tavern. I wasn't sure if this was meant to stand alone or if it was just the beginning of a longer story. If it is the beginning, I would suggest that you do some foreshadowing for what is going to happen next. Other than that, I really liked it. Good luck in the contest!

Powerful

For being very short, I thought the story was very affecting. It puts things into perspective not only for the protagonist of your story, but also the reader. I wanted there to be more, but it did its job as it was. ;)

Good writing

Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I loved your grasp of setting and character in your writing. Your descriptions were fresh and gave a clear picture. The plotline itself was very enjoyable and kept me hooked. I marked it down because I thought that it was a bit slow (however, that just might be my teenage side showing through.) Great work! :)

Evocative

I found this story very enjoyable. Most of all, I loved the descriptions in your writing, of the old man and the black square; the sound of the doorbell being like a wasp trapped in a jar. I hope that you will add more to it.

Chilling

Although I thought it came it a slow start, I really enjoyed this. It definitely made me shiver. The idea of the Iron Tree and Exbola virus just creeps me out. And it definitely served to draw me into the story. I hope that you will post more because I want to know what happens next. One thing, the story kept switching back and forth between past and present tense, and it confused me a little.

Good luck in the contest!

Heart-wrenching

This was a really great story! I loved the whole thing, the interaction between the girl and the panther, and how it ended. One thing: I wanted to know more about the protagonist. Why was she an outcast in society? Why was her skin fair? Was everyone's? A little more character development would help that end scene pack a little more punch.

Good luck in the contest!

Highly entertaining!

This story was hilarious with great interaction between characters and unexpected conflicts. It kept me guessing the whole time. I want more! :) The writing itself was very good, not distracting from the story but bringing me in with every detail. I wish you good luck in the contest!

Needs work

The premise of the story itself is promising, but I think that it needs work in the realm of presentation. There were some grammatical areas that needed worked out. Try cutting some of the adverbs, and that should help. Also, you tend to switch back and forth between past tense and present tense a lot. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I found it confusing. I think that picking one and sticking with it would help to clarify a lot of things.

As for the story, I think that we need to connect more with your main character. While I liked where you were going with her, I felt a little distant. I think that you need to show different shades of her. What we see in this chapter is bitterness. That's not BAD. Maybe you have a bitter character. But it would help us sympathize with her if we saw a different side to her. A hidden hurt? A bit of kindness? Something. As for the introduction to the other characters in the story, I enjoyed that. A character driven story is often off to a good start.

I REALLY hope this doesn't bum you out. You've got something that could become a great story. Please, keep writing!

Yikes!

I haven't read a lot of horror, but I very much enjoyed this. The concept of the strange videos was very intriguing. I was on the edge of my seat to the very end. The reason that I marked it down was because of the lack of dialogue. I think that if you added some specific dialogue it would help with the pacing and cause the reader to care more about the characters. Still, all in all, I loved it.

Almost there

I think that this chapter does what it is supposed to do. It drew me in and left me wanting more. However, I marked it down because I did not think the dialogue was as believable as it could have been. Also, you could improve the emotion of this chapter by working on setting and character. This is a good beginning. Please do more with it! :)

Affecting.

Honestly, poetry is not really my thing, and I don't have a lot of feedback that I can give. However, I thought that this was written powerfully in a way that affects the reader. Just don't mistake depressing for being the same as deep. You can have one without the other. This is only my opinion, and I don't want to sound like a know-it-all, but I think that you could do a lot more with stories and poems that teach something, that have some sort of uplifting message woven into them. Just a thought. But either way, I liked this.

Great beginning.

From the beginning, I was pulled into the story. It was well written and intriguing. I have never read a lot of outer space science fiction, but I enjoyed this a lot. I hope that the next chapter is on its way. The only critical thing I could say about this story was the length of the paragraphs. Better spacing would help with the rhythm of the reading itself.

All in all, I thought it was a great beginning!

Very good.

The story drew me in from the first paragraph and held me until the end. It had very good characters and compelling dialogue. I enjoyed this story very much and wish this author good luck in the contest!

Mixed feelings

There were elements of this story that I liked. Sky's situation was affecting. The format of the story (in journal entries) was interesting and fresh. But at the same time I think it could have been stronger if it had been written differently. It comes back to showing rather than telling, I think. Setting and character description are affective in evoking emotion, and so are the little details. With a little renovation, I think that this story has true potential. Keep writing!

Wonderful story!

This is one of the best stories that I have read on this site so far. Although it was a murder mystery, it was not too dark and had a good ending. The plot was understandable and interesting, and the characters kept me intrigued throughout the whole story. I would certainly read more by this author.

Intriguing

The story drew me in from the beginning, but I think that it deserves more. A clearer glimpse at the characters, more setting. A vividness in the way the characters interact will add to the draw. I hope that this author will post more, because I want to know what happens next! Keep writing.

A good beginning!

I read the first few chapters and thoroughly enjoyed them. Both the characters and the storyline drew me in immediately. Also, I love the pictures and quotes at the start of every chapter. :) I hope that the author will soon post more.

Unexpected

The story kept me guessing the whole time, sly and unexpected. I wanted to know more about the main character, particularly in the realm of physical description. I thought that she was an older lady, but I couldn't quite be sure. Also, I didn't quite understand the moral of the story. Was there one? All in all, though, I thought that it was a good story with a skilled author.

Great story!

I was enthralled throughout the whole story. It was really great. From the very beginning I wanted to know more. In big ways, it shows human flaws for what they really are and conveys the danger in greed. Except for a few typeos the writing style was great. I would definitely read more by this author.

Hilarious and intriguing

I REALLY enjoyed reading this first chapter. It was funny, it had a good draw to it, and it left me wanting more. Several times I was chuckling during this story, and I can already tell that the protagonist is one that I can support. I love her sense of humor and the sarcastic tone that is so inherent in your writing. The bee part and the kareoke scene were so hilarious! It was really fun just watching your characters interact. I think that you could probably add more setting and description to this, so that the reader has a better sense of character, time, and place. More setting would also add to the build-up right before the car accident. Other than that, all I noticed were some grammatical issues and missing words here and there. This is a really good start, and I would definitely read more of this. Also, I just noticed, I think the title should read "If We're Meant to Be" instead of "If were mean't to be". All in all, great work! I can't wait to see where this goes!

Fun story!

I actually remember reading this the first time you posted it, so it was really fun to read it again once there was more to it. I still like the idea of the charms and of the people who live in cities high above the ground. Your characters are interesting, amusing, and easy to support. Your dialogue never fails to make me chuckle. I don't remember a lot of chapter two being there when I first read it, and I think it's really cool that you show us both worlds, the one above and the one below. There is a lot of mystery in your story, and you kept me curious. I do have to say though, I think the writing needs to be tightened in order to help with pacing. The story moves kind of slowly to me, and I think it would have more draw if you tightened it and made it more fast-paced. Also, in the title I think you want an apostrophe so that it reads "No One's Charm". All in all though, it's a great start, and I think it has a lot of potential. Great work!

Cool premise!

I really love the idea behind this story! It's so fresh and unique, and it has a lot of draw to it. This story is quite enjoyable with an interesting plot and a fresh writing style. It was very clean, and I didn't notice any typos. All in all, great work!

An enjoyable short

I really enjoy short stories that pack a good punch, and this one did not disappoint. Your blurb left me intrigued, and then I was drawn right into the story. It was short, sweet, and to the point. I loved your use of contrast in the story: the office versus the picture, the outside world versus the inside, etc. I also liked that you sort of foreshadowed the ending with the conversation. That was very well done and made it feel very well-rounded. I would like to think that the wife is the one that set the house on fire in order to fix the dullness of their everyday lives, but I'm not sure if that's actually the case in the story :D. I was also impressed because I didn't see any typos in here, and that's REALLY hard to do with a piece of writing! The first reason I marked it down was due to the writing feeling rather bland at times. With a story like this that is so short and sweet, it's very important that you have a vibrant and outstanding writing style. For example, the first sentence read, "The sound of ticking went completely unnoticed by the man". This is good because it sets the reader up for a certain amount of intrigue, but several things in this is rather vague. You might describe this dull, monotonous, never-ending ticking that is the bane of this man's existence with a word or two. The phrase "the man" is also very vague. You could add a descriptor like "the robotic man" or "the bored man" or something like that. Something to make it sound less generic. If you applied this to the writing style in your story, I think it would make it stand out even more! The second reason I marked it down was that I would have liked to see more mystery in the ending as to why the house burned down. I like the hopeful thought you give to the end, but I also think it would be really cool if you found a way to hint even more at the fact that maybe this wasn't an accident. Maybe the wife did it. Maybe not. Leave the reader wondering. All in all, I think this has a lot of potential, and I hope this helps. Great work! I would definitely read more of your writing! ;-)

Clean and intriguing!

I don't often come across stories on here that have such a concise, evocative writing style. This story was very clean and polished, making it all the more affecting for the reader. I was drawn in from chapter one, and that's definitely the makings of a good story! Great work!

Great story!

I enjoyed this a lot! The plot was unique and intriguing. It's hard to come up with an idea that is different from the millions of others clogging the world of literature, but I think this is definitely an idea that has set itself apart. I was hooked from the beginning. The writing style was professional and clean, and I felt immediately connected to the characters from chapter one. I liked that you also worked some racial aspects into this story. All in all, great work! I would definitely read more by this author!

Enjoyable story!

I found this to be a very pleasant, enjoyable read with interesting characters and a plot that kept me hooked. I loved how your protagonist's voice set her apart and helped us to get to know her better. The story has a lot of draw, especially in the first chapter. I think the main issue I noticed had to do with pacing. There was a lot of telling rather than showing when it came to the protagonist's thoughts. Following her string of inner dialogue became a bit tedious within the first chapter since, for the most part, it seemed to be restating the obvious. I would cut out a lot of that interior dialogue and try to SHOW what she's feeling and thinking rather than telling it to the reader outright. Make us hunt for it. Layers. :-) All in all, this has a lot of potential. Great work!

Intriguing

I was drawn to this because I was a huge Erin Hunter fan a few years ago, and it didn't disappoint. It definitely had the same flavor as the Warriors books but with a different twist. I like what you have here so far, and I'm intrigue as to what will happen next. I liked the strange vision administered by the spectral visitor. The first chapter creates so many questions in the reader's mind. I want to know more about your protagonist. I will say that if I hadn't seen the picture, I wouldn't have any idea what the creature was - I'm still not sure I understand why the cat has wings. You might give a description of the protagonist to avoid confusion. I also noticed a few typos, but other than that this was a really good beginning! Great work!

Amazing story!

I just want to preface this review with one statement: I don't like dogs. I have been scratched (in the eye), trampled, growled at, chased, and just about everything else by dogs, so I usually have a deep prejudice against reading what I like to call "sappy dog stories". However, this story really took me by surprise. I had kind of been dragging my feet on reading it - due to the aforementioned reasons - but when I did I couldn't put it down. This story is AMAZING! The writing style was clean and enjoyable. I loved Sal's voice throughout the story. The characters were well-developed. I liked every one of them in their own way, and I liked the element of Eric's ghost that played into the story. The main character was especially likable to me because she is SO relatable in SO many ways. I laughed out loud when I read the scene where she almost broke John's nose and then tripped on her shoelaces. Boone was a really cool character too (which surprised me because of my deep and abiding dislike for dogs), and I REALLY liked that you gave him such a unique voice. The plot itself was simple but it held so much meaning and so much emotional impact. There were some scenes where I even felt my eyes getting a bit misty. This is really good writing! I knocked a star off because I encountered some typos, but all in all this is really great, and I have no doubt that it could be published. Great work! I would love to read more by this author!

Stereotypical but interesting

This story seemed to follow a lot of the tropes of a romance story, but I did enjoy it. I liked exploring the minds of these two different people, both when they were young and when they were a bit older. It ended on a bit of a cliff-hanger and left me wanting more. I liked the idea of Storm having to go back to her love due to her need to try and help a friend. That created a bit of an interesting dynamic, and I'm curious as to how that will unravel. You do a lot showing us the inner workings of the characters, but I feel like you could give us more. Based upon what we see here, they seem to be wholly defined by their relationships and their work. I want to know who they are apart from that - who they really are when no one is looking. I also would have liked to have seen more setting in this story. Setting does huge things for giving the reader the mood of the story, and I think it would make this more endearing depending on the setting that you give us. Other than that, it could also use some work on the technical end of the writing. It was definitely an enjoyable beginning. I like that you use shorter chapters; it's refreshing to read them because they're often to-the-point and feisty. All in all, good start!

Fun beginning!

This was a really fun read! I found the voice in the story very amusing and Ross even more so. He makes for a likable protagonist. I also liked the way that you set up the government and its attempts to keep control of the country. The book-burning was especially interesting to me. I also liked some of the names that you used -- Sisterland and....what was the other one.... Abnormalities? I can't remember now. But I remember liking it! I would definitely say that you should try and work on more showing and less telling. I never really got much of a sense of setting in this story, and I think that if you added more setting it would really help to make this even more believable. I also think that you could try and slow down. It felt like you were kind of rushing from one event to the other. I would have liked to have dwelt in some of the places for a longer period of time with vivid details and visceral images - especially with the parents' death scene in the first chapter. I would also move all the telling about the government out of the first scene. That first scene with the firefight should just grab the leader's attention without the need for exposition. I would add that backstory into the next scene once you've already snagged your reader. However, I really enjoyed reading it. All in all, this is a really good start, and I'm eager to see where it goes! Good work!

Really enjoyable story!

I started reading this, and I was intrigued from the very start. I want to know what happens next! Since this is a "work in progress", I assume this isn't the end? One of my favorite things about this story was that it was always unexpected. No one ever acted quite the way I thought they would. Whenever I felt like I had things figured out, another piece was thrown into the puzzle. It was definitely a page-turner! I liked Darren's character and the way that he progressed through the story. He was a flawed but interesting character. I was always sad to see him being so selfish and self-destructive, but I really like the way that he develops throughout the story. It makes him seem very real. His later commitments seem to show that he is trying to be more responsible with the way he lives, which is really cool. I also thought it was interesting that you kind of divided him into two people - Darren and Dude. It was very interesting the way he compartmentalizes his life. It makes it very clear that that's a coping mechanism. I also really liked Kay (I felt so bad for her) , Celiene, and Jeffery. I would have liked to have known more about them in the story. It seemed like they were very much defined by their relationships, so it would have been cool to see more individual and ulterior motives thrown into the mix. The plot was very intriguing. Like I said before, it constantly kept me on my toes. I was never quite sure what was going to happen, and it caught me off guard numerous times. I love it when a story surprises me! The writing style was nice, and I enjoyed Darren's voice. I noticed later on where parenthesis were missing, and there were also a few typos here and there, but overall it was pretty clean writing. All in all, this was a really great read! I don't think I've ever read a story quite like this on here. I really want to know what will happen next! Thanks for sharing this great story on here! :-)

Amazing beginning!

I have to say, this definitely wasn't what I was expecting, but I really love it so far. I don't know if I've ever seen a world where fantasy and today's reality are so seamlessly intertwined. It was so strange to see fantastical creatures sitting in a bar watching television and talking about guys. I also like the way you explained the government's involvement with supernatural matters. That detail added a lot of explanation and realism to the story. I'm very intrigued as to what will happen next! Your plot is already pretty-well lined out from chapter one (although I'm sure there are plenty of twists and turns along the way), and I really like your characters so far. I already feel like I have a pretty good understanding of your protagonist, and that's hard to do in one chapter. I really wanna read the next one! The writing was tight and pretty well polished. There were some clunky phrases and typos here and there, but, all in all, it was really good! Let me know when you update this, because I'd definitely be interested in reading more! I hope that you get lots of reads on this. Great work!

Fast-paced and enjoyable

I just read what you have posted, and I did enjoy it. It worked out well for me stumbling across this, since i really like stories about gangs. This story reminds me a lot of a TV show I watched a while back (I think it was called Durarara). There was a gang in that called the Yellow Scarves too. I also really like the name 'Yakuza" for a gang. This story was very fast-paced, and things happened in rapid succession, making it seem very fit for something like a TV show. The plot was enjoyable. I'm not sure where this story is going yet, but I'm definitely interested. I'd like to know more about Lee and who he is. As of now, I don't really have much of a read on him. It was interesting that he was so casual about all that killing, and it makes me curious as to why he's that way. One thing i noticed was that he seems to talk to himself A LOT. A little of this is okay, but eventually it starts to get a little creepy. I would turn some of that into thoughts and inner dialogue so that he doesn't seem quite as weird. :-) The writing itself needed some more, but this definitely has potential. Great work! I hope you get lots of reads!