Ruined

No one knows my story. No one really knows me. But inside I am dying and they do not know my pain. I carry a boulder upon my shoulders. The burden is deep down inside of me. You may think you know me but you really dont. The smile that you see is hiding the fact that im hurting. I'm hurting, i am hurting. I dont know what else to say, I sit in my room with the lights off and the door locked, and i start crying. What she did to me forever scarred me. I cant take this pain anymore. Whatever you do to help me will not help. So dont worry about me cuz i am fine on the outside.

I walked down the sidewalk that was next to the graveyard. I stopped at the gate of the graveyard. I walked in and looked at all the tomb stones. I came to one, and i started crying. I felt this was an appropriate place to cry. I looked down at the grave that had my fathers name on it. I miss him and cant stand the memory of how i lost him.... my mother killed him... I wiped away the memory as fast as i could and let the tears tremble down my face as i left the graveyard. I shivered and pulled my sweater over my head and walked back to my house. I couldnt stand this anymore.

"Hey honey, how was your walk?" My mom asked me. I stared at her with eyes of fury, thinking back to the memory thats forever stored in brain. But she has no idea i saw.

"It's fine. I'm going to my room." I ran upstairs.

"Ok but dont forget to study for that exam tomorrow!" I just kept on running. I didnt want to hear her voice, I didnt even want to think of her voice. I never hated my mom so much in my life. I laid in my bed and got on my laptop. I started writing:

There are voices in my head, that tell me one thing, and another set of voices that tell me another. I just dont know what to listen to.

I got off my laptop and thought. My dad was killed last year. I was 13. My emotions are getting the best of me. But I am learning how to control it. I barely have any friends. My one true friend is, Cathleen, we have been friends since 2nd grade but even she knows nothing about my dad. She knows nothing. I sit with my back against the wall and just let everything sink in for a minute.

"Rachel?!" My mom just ruined my train of thought.

"What?" I yelled.

"Its time for dinner."

"Can I eat it up here?"

"No, lets eat as a family."

"What family mom? What family could you possibly be talking about? We dont have a family do we? Ever since dad was gone, everything has been different. Can you tell me what happened to him again?!"

"Honey, I dont really want to-"

"No i want an answer. No if ands or buts. Just answer the question for once."

"Come down here and sit down and i will tell you."

"Fine." I sit down.

"He d.... um, moved."

"For a whole year?"

"He said that he didnt want to be apart of this family anymore so he just got up and moved."

"Why would he do that? Without saying bye to me? We were like buddies. He was my best friend."

"I dont know honey, he just wanted to go." I shook my head at the lies that were coming out of my own mothers mouth. Unbelievable. I thought. I took a bite of the Spaghetti that was in front of me. Then I just ran upstairs.

"I'm just going to get ready for bed." My mom nodded and i went upstairs. I locked my bedroom door and put in some headphones. I didnt want anyone to mess with me. My heart was racing, my mom lied to me about this, what else could she of lied to me about? My viens were pumping and I was sweating a flood while laying down. Then i closed my eyes and started drifting off to sleep.

*Dream*

"Father?"

"Yes, it's me dear."

"Oh my gosh! Dad i missed you so much."

"I know you did pumpkin." I looked at my dad with tears stained on my face. I hugged him so tightly.

"Dont ever leave me again!"

"I wont leave you." Those words echoed in my head over and over again. 'I wont leave you'.

*End of Dream*

'I wont leave you' I woke up with big heavy sighs and tears running down my face. My dad wasn't next to me. "You said you wouldnt leave me." And i started balling my eyes out. I scurried through my drawers, I found a picture of him and me when I was 10 years old. I held it against my chest. "I love you dad." Then I laid back down.

I woke up for school, and went downstairs for breakfast. My exam was today. I dont know how I am going to focus. I hurried and grabbed my bookbag and headed out to the bus stop. I sit there kicking the grass beneath my feet. As the bus showed up, I pictured myself running in front of the bus, just to get hit. If my dad was going to die, so was I. But i didnt have the courage to do it. I sit next to Cathleen on the bus.

"Hi." She said.

"Hi. Um, so what exam do we have today?"

"2nd period."

"Ok. Great thats my history." I rolled my eyes.

As i walked into the school, I was afraid of everyone knowing. It has been a year and something had to of gone around. I looked at the school and started to shake.

"Are you ok Rachel?"

"yeah." My voice was shaky.

As i sit in my class, there was one thing that distracted me from anything. And that was Tyler Walter. I never think about dating a guy because I am afraid of being hurt. Tyler can look perfect on the outside but it doesnt mean he is perfect on the inside. I have chosen to ignore everyone except Cathleen. Plus, Tyler would never speak to me.

"So Rachel, where did your dad go? I havent seen him for a while." She did not just bring up this subject!

"Please stop, I dont want to talk about it."

"ok."

"Exams are being passed out. Please be quiet. You can take out phones when you turn in your test." The teacher's voice just drives me insane. She passed out the exams and me and Cathleen looked at eachother. 'I need help' i mouthed. 'me too.' she mouthed. We smiled and looked back at our tests. I dont know what it is, but i keep getting distracted. I didnt know if it was about my dad or if it was about Tyler but all i know is that i couldnt keep focus on this exam. All i could feel was the aching through my entire body. My hand started shaking, i only filled in one bubble in 30 minutes. My mind was being filled with so much stuff. I think the most about everything in the quietest places. The hurt inside from my mom murdering my dad and the hurt of never trusting anyone. While things raced through my mind, the time was ticking. I filled in 5 bubbles when i had to turn in my test. "Rachel? Come here please." I walk over to the teacher. "Why did you only fill in 5 bubbles when you had an hour and a half to do it?"

"I dont want to talk about it."

"Is there something wrong? Wanna talk?"

"I just said i dont want to talk about it."

"You want to see the counselor?"

"No, i just want everyone to leave me alone!" I walk out very frustrated. Why cant anyone understand that i just want to be alone? I just want to think by myself? I want to figure this out on my own! I dont need anyones help! "Cathleen! Wait up!" She slows down in the hallway and waits for me to catch up with her. "I kinda want to tell you something but i am afraid to tell you."

"You can tell me."

"Alright, well...... its about my dad."