E.S. Paul

Going somewhere!

Hello!
I really enjoyed your work "Shinobi". It's interesting to read about historical fiction in an Eastern setting, especially since I don't have the chance to read much of it, since most historical fiction written nowadays centers around the West. It's clear that you did your research here, although some of the terms used may require a bit of explaining for the audience, which I see you tried to do, but sometimes, it's a bit confusing. You have a great technique in using literary devices- I loved your use of personification ("shadows are your best friends" was a brilliant line, for example) and other such devices, though your run-on sentences made the flow of your syntax quite confusing at times.
As for the fight scene between Koga and the Clan Snake ninja, I feel like it could have used some work. When writing a fight scene for prose, it helps not to be overly descriptive. Reading every single move the characters make can be tiring, and for a fast-paced scene, it's best to keep sentences short and choppy. It's different if you're writing a script to be choreographed for a movie or play in which two actors are fighting, but as for a story, it can disrupt the flow.
I really liked the chemistry between Koga and Matsu, as well as the other characters. I would love to know more about them- why they decided to train to become ninjas, their relationships with one another, their personalities. Great characters are key to a good story, and you certainly have the foundations, but I'd like to see more.
Simply put, this idea you have here can be expanded upon. Instead of a short story, I think you have the potential to transform this concept into a fantastic novel. Of course, more research is always a must, and you could work some more with your sentence structure, but I would definitely love to see this expanded upon! Keep it up!
-E.S. Paul

Could use work, but not bad at all!

Hello!
I just read what you have of "The Target of Elizabeth," and I have a few things I'd like to say about it.
One: Why is she bullied so much for having a paralyzed arm? It's not something that's especially noticeable unless it's visibly malformed (which it doesn't seem to be). And she doesn't seem to be in any sort of situation where having a paralyzed arm would be glaringly noticeable. It's not especially realistic that she's completely ostracized for this, so if you wanted her to be socially ostracized in the beginning of the story, try maybe writing a situation where her arm causes her to experience humiliation or embarrassment. Otherwise, the entire school bullying her just because she has a paralyzed arm just doesn't make any sense.
As for her dad dying, you could have definitely developed his character before he died. We didn't see any of him at all, and we never saw him interact with Elizabeth, so it's sort of hard to sympathize with her. However, I do like the dynamic between Elizabeth and her sister, so it would be great if you explored that more.
I guess this story should be paced out more, is all. You've got seven chapters, but if you were to add more pacing, this could easily amount to about ten or eleven chapters. I don't think you really need a prologue, and you could explain her condition in the first chapter instead. As for grammar, there are quite a few errors that don't make sense, but I think they can be easily fixed.
Keep writing!
-E.S. Paul

Interesting premise!

Hello!
I read the first six chapters of your story, and I know this is a first draft, so I'll try to keep that in mind.
One, you have a very interesting premise. I like the idea of a wandering main character (I've got one of my own, myself), as it allows for an excellent opportunity to showcase the world-building of the places you've created. There's so much of Yor's backstory that I still don't know (which may be answered later on, but I haven't read yet), such as the fact that he has dead parents. It's a common trope in literature (I've had to use it for the sake of the plot of my story), but this trope can help or hinder your story. While dead parents can help a reader easily sympathize with your character, it's also often used as an excuse to bypass writing detailed backstories and family lives for your character as well. If you use the dead parents trope, it's best to show what your character's family life was like with them. Pro tip: It's a lot more believable if you don't make the parents absolutely perfect, either.
As for the characters we've been introduced to, they seem mainly rather static. Elmeida seems to have the most potential out of all of them, as the fact that we've seen her face in the well raises questions. Although I haven't seen a lot of world-building yet, I find the idea of the Lady Celia figure very interesting. I love reading about the religions that authors come up with for their stories, and I would like to see more of how this figure affects the lives of the characters.
One thing I think you could definitely change is the relationship between Yor and Elmeida. It seems extremely forced, with no room for building up chemistry. Yor says that Elmeida has "been delightful," before he hardly actually talked to her. They then proceed to act like a couple that has been in love for a while, although they don't know each other too well. I'd suggest building up their relationship much slower. As for grammar, it's all right, though the unnecessary capitalization of some improper nouns can be distracting.
All in all, decent job! Keep writing!
-E.S. Paul

Definitely NOT Monica, but definitely impressed!

Hello, Joanna! Congrats on getting on Inkitt's trending page!
I stumbled upon "Definitely NOT Monica" by chance, and had read it all in a day. Usually, I only read the first couple chapters of stories on Inkitt, but this really pulled me in, especially since you'd mentioned that your main character had OCD in the blurb. A lot of writers really miss the mark when writing characters with OCD, and I wanted to see how an indie author would cover the subject. Needless to say, I was impressed!
When I saw "humor/romance" as the genre, I was a little wary, as I'm not a huge fan of the romance genre at all, but God, I loved this, possibly because you focused more on the characterization of all the characters so well.
The characters! I just loved all of them (except for Troy, of course!) so much. Reading about each meeting between Jenny, Grayson, Jonty, Phil, Anthony, Ellen, Suze, and Petra (I got them all, right?) was amazing. I felt their triumphs when they worked towards their goals, and their pains when they'd made mistakes along the way. They're just so real, so human, I found it so rewarding to read about their individual lives as they struggled to overcome their addictions. I loved the way they all interacted with each other, and the whole female-friendship dynamic between Jenny, Petra, Ellen, and Suze, as well as between Jenny and Amber, really added a beautiful touch to this story.
And Neil! Oh my gosh, Neil. Although we didn't see much of him, he's one of those characters that falls into the category of characters who show how much other characters develop. As we see Jenny giving him cigarettes, to food, to clothing, we see how much she changes as a person in order to help him, and I think this idea is brilliant.
It's clear you've done your research with addictions and compulsions. I was a little wary of this at first, as I said, because so many people get it wrong, but you've handled the subject so remarkably well, and you showed the characters' development in such a wonderful and realistic way. For example, Jenny never completely stops her compulsions, but she learns how to overcome them for the most part, and ultimately grows as a person.
And Petra's arc? Wow. I just loved Petra. From the way she talked about her husband in the beginning, I thought he was abusive, as the plot led us to believe, though when she came to terms with herself and her addiction, I legitimately wanted to cry. She's just such a strong and badass character, and the fact that she's balancing her job and taking care of her children, who she shows such amazing love to, with coping with stress and her addiction, really shows her as such a strong character.
Next is Suze. When you first introduced her, I thought she was going to be a static character, the classic "mean girl". However, there is no room for bland tropes in this story, and I was pleasantly surprised with her character arc. I love the fact that you treated her compulsion to shop with the same graveness as the rest of the characters' addictions, and I have so much respect for you as a writer for the way you composed and handled this story.
And Phil! Who could forget Phil? He's freaking amazing. As a character, he didn't really change as much as the others did, but honestly, did he really need to? I loved the way he supported everyone, and how he tried to understand Jenny, even when she'd obviously hurt him. (By the way, I don't remember her telling him about what she meant to happen in the gym basement. Did she ever tell him?) And it was so rewarding to see him finish the marathon as well.
As for grammar, there are a couple minor errors here and there, such as missing commas, which unfortunately take away from this amazing story. I often forgot I was reading an indie book since the writing felt so professional, though the grammar sometimes took away from this. But other than that, if my book doesn't win the novel contest (let's be honest, we're all here to win), I hope this one does! It was absolutely brilliant, and I can't wait to read what you have in the future!
-E.S. Paul

I'm sorry

Your story is absolutely impossible to follow. There are so many grammar errors, it doesn't make much sense at all. I don't know if English is your first language or not, but if it isn't, it's okay to write in another language other than English, if that's what you're more familiar with. If English is not your first language, I admire you for trying to write a story in English, but unfortunately, this story is impossible to read.
My main issues with the grammar are run-on sentences, a lack of punctuation, and misspelled words. These are extremely important to fix in your writing, as they are key to understanding your story and looking professional. As for the plot, it seems a bit cliche, but if you try harder and develop your characters more, you may be able to produce an interesting idea. For now, I'd just tell you to go over your writing before posting online.
You'll get better!

Needs work

Hello!
I read the first four chapters of your story, and I'm sorry to say I couldn't really get through it. There are a lot of grammar errors, and your characters are pretty flat. They don't really have distinct personalities, and you spend way too much time with descriptions of what they're wearing, which can be exhausting to read. When describing a character's appearance, try opting for one or two sentences instead, and don't describe appearances unless the character is particularly important to the story. Your fight scenes are play-by-play, and to keep them engaging, you shouldn't describe every single move that's made- keep it concise.
As for your world-building, you have a lot of good ideas! The caste system is interesting, and I like how much you have planned out. However, you throw a lot of terminology and explanation at us in the very beginning, which can be really overwhelming. And please, don't steal songs from Les Miserables.
I know this is only a first draft, but there's a lot you can improve. Keep writing!

Very emotional!

Hello! I just read your short story.
The first thing I'd like to point out is that I love the emotion you portray. You show what your main character is going through, and how it affects her life. You describe what she's going through, and it's powerful.
However, you don't explain a lot about who she is. We see all these terrible things happen to her, but we never see her personality, how she attempts to cope with her situation (other than cutting), how she feels. This makes her an unrealistic character. I'd suggest fleshing her out more, because she's more of a character that the plot is thrown at not a character that is a part of the plot. We see all these sad things happening, but we don't really feel sorry for her because we don't know what she's like.
Your grammar is okay, but you still have a lot of errors. You should read through your writing a few times to catch these in the future.
All in all, you're off to a good start! Keep writing!

Great start!

Hello!
Your premise certainly seems interesting, and your ideas keep the reader intrigued. If they're not angels, what are they? Why do they watch people? What do they do? The characters you've introduced are also quite dynamic, and I would like to learn more about them. As for grammar, you do have some errors, such as syntax, missing punctuation, and spelling, though these can easily be straightened out.
All in all, not bad! Best of luck!
-E.S. Paul

A work in progress, but definitely going somewhere!

Hello!
I just read what you had of "The Raventhorn Chronicles," and I find your premise rather interesting. I like the perspective from an old narrator, rather than a younger one, which is a new and interesting idea that we don't often see. The origin story in the beginning is a little long and confusing, so you may need to edit it some. We're introduced to the antagonist early, without much explanation on who he is- you may want to clear that up. Also, you don't have to publish your planning notes on Inkitt, as it disrupts the narrative.
It seems here that you're taking a lot of inspiration from Tolkien (don't we all?), and that's one place to start. However, you're not Tolkien; you're someone completely different. Therefore, when taking inspiration from another source, try to make your ideas your own. Don't go off the plot of Lord of the Rings or the Silmarillion; see how your characters interact with each other and write your story from there instead. You have a lot of potential, and so you don't have to write what's already been written- make something original! It's a good point to start on, but I'm sure you can blend common fantasy elements with your own ideas as well.
All the best,
-E.S. Paul

A gripping tale with room for improvement

I'm sorry for the late review!
"The Tower's Labyrinth" has a fantastic, gripping plot that keeps the readers going as they watch Delilah and Leonidas struggle for survival. It's a high-stakes fantasy that holds one's interest, and its twists and turns keep pages turning.
However, the grammar can definitely improve. A lot of times, the wrong homophones are used (such as the wrong form of "they're/there/their") which can distract from the narrative. The syntax is clunky, and many sentences must be read through a few times to make coherent sense. The frequent use of profanity takes away from the formality of some of the characters as well. It works with characters like Delilah, who obviously has a rough and rebellious spirit, though with other characters, such as the knights and adversaries the protagonists face, it seems out of place.
As for the world building, it's a bit confusing in the beginning, but it's an interesting premise. The fact that this society slaughters an entire economic class of people, save for two, would certainly cause some plot holes. For example, why does it need to be done? Has anyone tried to rebel against this system? The song that commemorates this event is a good idea, and really helps drive the story forward. It sets the stage in the beginning, and continues to be an important factor in the story.
All in all, there's room to expand and improve, though this is a great start! Keep it up!
-E.S. Paul

A pleasant surprise, with few plot holes

I read what you had of "Seven Little Queens," and I enjoyed what you have so far! All of your characters seem interesting, and I love the way you're connecting them between chapters. They're so well-rounded, which a lot of Inkitt authors never seem to get right. The world building is exciting, and definitely has potential.
There are a few nitpicks I have with this, however:
1) Parentheses in narratives. This is personally one of my greatest pet peeves in writing. If you feel the need to put information in parentheses, chances are, it's not needed. If it's actually important, use commas or dashes instead. Otherwise, it messes with the flow of the narration and looks unprofessional. There are a few minor grammar errors as well, but mostly, your grammar itself is pretty good.
2) This isn't much of a problem, but a lot of the kingdom names are long and clunky, and it hurt my brain trying to read through them all. Maybe opt for some shorter ones that are easier to pronounce?
3) The technology. At first, it seemed like a Medieval-type high fantasy, though the use of phones confused me since it seemed so out of place. They use carriages and they have magic; why do they need phones? A world with both magic and technology seems interesting, so I hope you'll do something with this idea.
Otherwise, this is a great story so far, and I'm excited to see where it goes! I don't read a lot of good fantasy on Inkitt, but this one is certainly going places! Keep it up!
-E.S. Paul

Intriguing read so far!

Hello!
I read the first two chapters of your book, and you definitely kept me hooked! I don't have a lot of time to read, so I probably won't be able to finish, but I'll share my thoughts on what I did read:
One, I love how dynamic your main character is. We see a lot of insight into her thoughts, as well as her personality. You're also good at describing scenes, and when you describe characters, it doesn't feel forced like a lot of character descriptions are, which is great. The story keeps you wanting to know what happens next, and I do like that she's focused on other things rather than the guy she noticed, even though she keeps coming back to him. That's way more realistic than having one's thoughts 100% consumed by a total stranger, a common mistake often seen in romance novels. She thinks about him often enough to be in love, but not enough to the point where it's unrealistic.
However, from what I see, the other characters seem to be stock characters- that is, based on certain archetypes, such as the supportive friend and the hot stranger. I'm sure these characters may develop later on, though. There is nothing wrong with starting with stock characters, as long as you develop them enough so that they become their own people, per se.
As for punctuation, you have very few errors, such as a few missing commas, but your largest problem with grammar is the fact that you have an inconsistent tense. Sometimes, you're telling the story from past-tense, and other times, it's being told from present-tense, which makes it rather confusing. This may not be noticeable while writing, so it helps to reread your work to catch these sorts of mistakes.
Overall, this is very well-written from what I have seen, and I'm sure it will fulfill its potential!
-E.S. Paul

Quite splendid!

Hello!
I read the prologue and the first chapter, and from what I could see, this is a great story! I loved how you introduced your characters' vibrant personalities, and it really does flow quite well. You seemed to have done your research on the time period, which is great. I usually steer clear of historical fiction because I'm scared to make inaccuracies and anachronisms, but this seems good so far, and it's a tricky genre to approach. Nice job with this!
The only thing I'd say you'd need to change (at least within the prologue and first chapter) is the fact that there are a few minor grammar errors. They may not be noticeable to most readers, but if you are planning on getting published, you should probably polish your grammar the best you can. Such errors include paragraph breaks in the middle of sentences, missing quotation marks, and the absence of commas when needed. Again, these are small errors, but they should probably be dealt with.
Again, I really like how you show your characters' personalities through dialogue. Their conversations (such as the exchange in the prologue between Hugh and Emma, as well as the quarrels between Suzette and Sophie about the frog/toad and the chess game) were enjoyable to read, and provided a lot of insight into their characters. I also like how the first chapter ended on a cliffhanger, as it certainly makes me want to read more, which I probably will.
In short, I enjoyed this, and I'll probably update if I read more.
Keep writing!
-E.S. Paul

Review of the first chapter alone

Hello!
I read the first chapter of your book, and this is solely a review on it.
First of all, I like how you opened it with a prayer. It's a unique way of starting a book, and draws the reader in. You certainly spent a lot of time describing the dog, which is fine, as I assume the dog plays an important role in your therapeutic journey. However, I feel that, since this is supposed to be a self-help book, you should probably focus a little more on how exactly the dog helped you in the first chapter so that the readers get a sense of how you were able to heal. That way, it will leave them with the thought of, "since they were able to get help, maybe I can, too." The dog is fine, as from what I gather, it's what helped you with your healing, though maybe you should focus a little more on your feelings here and your state of mind, and how they changed once you got the dog, rather than what the dog looks like.
You have an interesting writing style, and I do like how it seems a bit like a blog. It gives you a sense of connection with the readers, which is good if you're reaching out to them. I would like to know more about this Guru and his role of helping you in your journey. How did you get to know him? What made you want to ask him for help? Why did he decide to give you the dog? Do you think other people will benefit from consulting gurus or other spiritual people as well? What advice did the Guru give you?
I'm sure all this information is revealed later on, but some of it should be implemented in the beginning. Perhaps this could be the first chapter, though you could have an introduction about the benefits of self-help before chapter one, so your readers will have a clearer image of what you would like them to know.
All the best,
-E.S. Paul