I really liked the premise of your story a lot. The elements of magic and fantasy really make it for me, and I think your story has a massive amount of potential.
Read the story now
Now, I can tell our writing styles are vastly different, but putting that aside, this is my critique. There were several times I was put off by descriptive clauses and adverbs that stuck out of the flow of your writing. For instance, when you used the word "chrysoberyl" for yellow.
Like Mark Twain said: "When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don’t mean utterly, but kill most of them – then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart.” (citation will be the link at the bottom). This quote is something I use when writing to make the thesaurus a friend not foe. My suggestion, and that's all that is, would be to give your writing over to a trusted friend or maybe a family member to check for flow. Having another pair of eyes has always helped me with writing my book.
Again, I really liked the story and your style. I just think you might want to look back at some of your word choices.