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โ€œThe journey of a thousand miles begins with one stepโ€ Wattpad: Grace_Harding Living for God ๐Ÿ™โœ๏ธ๐Ÿ’ž

Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

The Theasaurus is your best friend

There is amazing potential for this book but I do feel like there also needs to be a lot of improvement. In this review I shall go through some of the areas that I thought could be improved so I hope you find this useful and a way to be able to help improve your writing. After all, that's what we all need to do as writers, isn't it haha!

I shall start off with the plot rating. I absolutely loved where this book was going and all the character development as well! It's a very intriguing story and the plot itself was brilliant! I ended up actually binge reading this book last night, whoops! XD. Anyway, the reason I am giving it a four instead of five is because I feel that the first chapter of this book could have been changed. Why? I think instead of showing us the main character's back story immediately, it would have been absolutely amazing if you could have shown us snippets of her life through the novel to create tension and mystery around the main character, instead of telling us right off the bat. Keep us in the dark, reveal small bits through flashbacks or dialogue (like when she shoots one of the infected later on, perhaps she has a flashback to her mother's deranged face or her father's etc but nothing more) and then finally, it comes to the light. I feel this would have added a lot more suspense. One more thing, what would have happened if she had to shoot her mother? Or her father? Or somehow kill one of them? Wouldn't that add a lot more suspense? I really, really, recommend you go back and just make the backstory more heart wrenching. That way whenever she had to kill an infected, she could hear a scream of her mother/father -- just really, really, really make it dramatic and don't be afraid to go over the top! Keep pushing yourself! Apart from that, I really, really loved the plot, so well done!

I want to now focus on the writing style. I do like your writing style but don't love it as in general -- and this is completely about my own preference -- I am not a big fan of first person, present narrative. Aside from this, there were a couple of mistakes I saw in the writing style. The first one at the beginning when you write: โ€œDad pin himself straight up ( . . . ) Mum push me out of the way and dad launch himself across the bed ( . . . ) I watch in horror as my father is biting into my mother's neck.โ€ I want to focus on the words:
โ€ข pin
โ€ข push
โ€ข launch
โ€ข biting
These words in this paragraph are all slightly confusing. Read over the extract and see if you get what I mean. It should be this:
โ€œDad pins himself straight up ( . . . ) Mum pushes me out of the way as dad launches himself across the bed ( . . . ) I watch in horror as my father bites into my mother's neck.โ€
Or even better, change up the words:
โ€œMy eyes widen as Dad snaps up straight. ( . . . ) I feel mum's shaking hands throwing me out the way, knocking the wind out of me as my body collides with the sharp bed post, a gasp escaping my cracked lips. I watch, frozen, heart thumping in my chest like a race horse as dad hurls himself across the bed, his eyes glowing, hungry for flesh. Mum! ( . . . ) I don't realise I scream until my mum's blood is spilling from her neck and her body is crumbling to the floor, my dad looking over her with a sadistic smirk, red blood dripping from his chin. His eyes snap to me." Etcรฉtera etcรฉtera. In this one you'll see I don't mention the dad actually biting into the mother's neck, however, it is implied, which brings me onto my next point:

Show don't tell. This is so, so important when writing s story to create tension and it also allows you to get really creative. Let's just say, the Theasaurus will be your best friend. I shall give you an example:
โ€œTears make my way over my cheekbones.โ€
This is very simple, upfront. Not much description or dramatising. To be honest, I didn't really feel many emotions when I read through this. So how do you improve it? Like this:
โ€œA burning limp forms in the back of my throat as I gulp for air, a wretched sob escaping my shaking body as my vision blurred, a feeling of light headedness washing over me. I stumble, only just catching myself from falling. My heart cracks. I gag loudly. I want to die.โ€
Okay, maybe the last sentence was a bit over the top but I wanted another short snappy sentence lol. They are perfect for building tension and emotions. Now you'll see I never included the word tears because you know just from reading that, that she is crying. Don't be afraid to go over the top! It makes the journey for the reader a lot more heart wrenching. But yes, this is just something to think about when you go back to editing.

One more thing for show don't tell. In the beginning, you wrote:
โ€œIt is turning brown, from the infection I assume.โ€
โ€ข change the word brown for something a bit more groovy or for a similar etc
โ€ข remove the โ€œfrom the infection I assumeโ€ and change it into a feeling of dread or worry and the reader will know that if the blood is going brown quickly, that is is not a good sign and we will limit he two dots up and realise it is the infection. You don't need to tell us.

Finally, with writing style, I recommend really becoming best friends with the Theasaurus, maybe even marry it lol. This will really expand your vocabulary range and open up so many possibilities! One thing I did notice -- now this isn't as bad, don't worry -- is that in a few of your paragraphs, there is a repetition of a particular word. Don't worry, this doesn't happen often, but here is an example that I found:
โ€œI lift myself ( . . . ) And lift my heavy crossbow.โ€
I would just recommend changing one โ€œliftโ€ into a different word simply by looking through Theasaurus. It will make the paragraph flow more easily etc. Just a thought for when you come to editing xx

Now I want to focus on the grammar and I have s few areas here and examples I felt you could have improved on. The first one is that on numerous occasions I found spelling mistakes but that's okay -- we all make them -- and the I also found you tend to use: โ€œ,โ€ or โ€œ;โ€ at the end of a paragraph which is incorrect. You always need to use a full stop or it can in some cases be a colon, but not always. Only use them for lists. But yeah, if you read published novels, you will notice they don't use commas or semi colons at the end of paragraphs and it's always fill stops. So just be careful on that. One thing I've picked up recently is annotating published ebooks and I recommend you do this too as it will allow you to really examine the writing style if an author. But you also tend to use a comma at the end of a dialogue speech whilst this is alright if the speech is split in two, e.g. โ€œhey,โ€ she smiled. โ€œits lovely weather today.โ€ it is not okay if you use the comma in the last part of the dialogue as it is incorrect and comes across as the main character has not finished speaking. Make sure it's either a full stop, exclamation mark, em dash or question mark.

Next, there were a couple of sentences I picked up that didn't make sense such as:
โ€œShe launches at me as I dug benath her out.โ€ and
โ€œโ€˜Mum, pleases...โ€™โ€
โ€œmy watching oedalsโ€ from the first chapter. I have no idea what this was meant to be, sorry, so I just recommend either reading the book aloud to yourself as you edit, or perhaps get a beta reader to give you tips etc. Don't worry though, we all make mistakes like this as writers.

I also want to let you know that with elipsis, it's important not to over use them and they should also have a space in between each dot. The exception being is it's followed by a closing speech mark or is at the end of a paragraph. And what I mean for over using is having it multiple times in a short space of reading time. Just even it out, don't over use it. Also, there was a point when the main character was constantly asking herself questions and there was the repetitive use of โ€œ...?โ€ (which should have been โ€œ. . . ?โ€) instead, it would have been more impactful is you removed the elipses as the elipses slows down the reading time and therefore the tension. Hit the reader with rushed questions with no elipses' to really mirror the internal conflict the main character is feeling let the reader feel the rising tension and paint too.

Okay, that is all the notes I have written down I really hope you find this useful and that you'll be able to continue to improve your writing. Don't give up, keep reaching, keep growing and keep improving and you'll definitely get better over time. I really hope I haven't put you off of writing either but it's really important for writers to get criticism because it does help them grow so please don't be put off and use this as a chance to grow as a writer. You really do have very good potential and I believe you can go further and make it big is you write and writer and practice etc. Each paragraph you write get you closer to the goal of being published so don't be afraid and give up reach for your goal and believe in yourself you will get there if you keep practicing and learning, trust me! The routing world is a cut throat job, very few get published. Often publishers read the first few pages and they can immediately put it down and throw it away because they will be able to tell it's not that good so you really do have to keep improving if you really want to get published but trust me, you do that and you will get closer and closer to the goal with each article you read and published book you read so once again, don't give up!

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B R I L L I A N T

I am thoroughly enjoying this story so far, from the characters to the plot! I really REALLY like the fact that you also decided to write the story in the villan's POV as we are able to see the other side to the story and understand the pain Nova has gone through and therefore we (the readers) are able to cheer her on and understand her pain and suffering she went through.

The foundation for your plot seems to be very strong, the only downside is that I feel it's slightly clichรฉ with the whole fire and ice idea, but to be fair, it works best for this type of story. You wouldn't have earth and fire because that literally makes no sense lol, so I really do think that even though it is a bit clichรฉ, it is very promising!

I also just what to say that I am slightly worried by the speed the story is moving at, I don't know if you'll hit a writer's block, unsure if what to write, but you know what's best - after all, you are the author to this wonderful story!

Apart form that, there is one last thing I want to point out, I would really love some more description of the characters. We learn a lot about what Nova looks like, but hardly anything about Alexander or his girlfriend. It would be brilliant to have that description because otherwise the characters are just a blob in my brain and I can't tell what they look like etc. I hope this makes sense!

Finally, I just want to say that I really love your style of writing! There were times when I felt shocked by Nova and her antics, and other times when I felt like an emotional baby, before finally cracking up at small sections throughout. I really do think you'll be able to go far with a bit of editing etc - but save that until AFTER you have finished writing so you don't ruin your creative streak.

Oh and by the way, just in case you didn't gather, I FRIDGING LOVE YOUR COVER ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

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An honest review

An honest review of:
Burning Love by L A Cannon
(overall opinion at the bottom)
p.s. sorry it took me so long to write this and I skipped sexual scenes so I won't be talking about those at all :)

what went well:
- Good intro to the book and it's characters. It's not confusing, it's simple and easy to follow along with and sometimes simplicity is the best way to go.
- I enjoyed the description of characters and the scenes (a lot -- especially with changing weather and seasons -- created beautiful imagery). I'm a sucker for descriptions lol XD
- Great character development in Lizbeth and Sawyer (their relationship was so cute!!)
- The overall plot was brilliant!

even better if:
- Avoid explaining the looks of unimportant characters. You don't do this too often, but one that really stood out to me, was the student who says goodbye to Lizbeth in the beginning. There's no need to mention her "piercing blue eyes" ("black hair" is fine because its good to build a foundation in the looks of unimportant characters, but don't explain the finer details, like eye colour. Do you remember the eye colours of people you come across? It may just be me, but I even struggle to remember the eye colour of some of my friends, lol!). I especially noticed this when you introduced the character Cordelia (With whom Lisbeth sees her as the devil) but fail to give any explanation in the first introduction.
- Show don't tell. You will probably have already heard of this, but I especially want to touch on this when you introduce Cordelia. You call her the devil, when instead, you should describe her to be like a devil. Does she have a constant smirk? Piggy nose and eyes? Grotesque warts? I know the last one's a bit dramatic, but make it dramatic and point out WHY she is the devil instead of telling us. And show that Lizbeth doesn't like her through her actions. Also, please avoid for the most part, explaining what emotions are on a character's face with words like "shock" or "happy" or "angry". Instead show it through wide eyes, big toothy grins, reddening faces . . . Granted, this will be difficult and it's okay to let some slip through the cracks. I recommend studying how other authors who are properly published write and you'll get a better idea on how to do this.
- Couple of grammar and spelling whoopsies, but we all make those lol
- Try to avoid explaining the actions of your characters. Whenever you see a sentence where you do explain their actions, ask yourself "do I really need to explain?" You shouldn't have to if your plot is fully developed and your character is fully developed. If you find you need to explain why a character feels upset or angry, then you need to rethink the scene. Readers aren't dumb and don't need to be given an explanation of everything that is happening. They're smart and explaining only dampens the effect of the scene and it is simply overkill.
Here's an example (not from your book):
"He carefully camouflaged himself with leaves and moss, hoping no-one would see him."
You can quite easily take out: "hoping no-one would see him" and it would still make sense because the reader understands what is implied.
- Try to eliminate filler words like "that" etc. These are basically words that can be removed and have no purpose in a sentence. for example (not from your book):
"Trevor knew that he was running out of time"
you can remove "that" and it would still make perfect sense:
"Trevor knew he was running out of time."

overall:
This book wasn't something I usually pick up because of the smut, but it was easy to skip those parts out and I really did enjoy reading how the story unfolded and how the characters developed. I would definitely recommend this book for anyone who likes a good romance, but just be aware there are explicit scenes and strong language which the author states before chapter one. Whilst it isn't something I personally would pick up to read again, I can see why others might. Plus there's the added bonus of it being a completed book! It's rare to come across those on platforms like inkitt and wattpad, so that made a nice change, haha!

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An honest review

An honest review of:
Wild Knight Adventures by A.I Medina
(overall opinion at the bottom)
p.s. sorry it took me so long to write this!

what I liked:
- I enjoyed the plot line a lot. I don't usually read fantasy stories, but this one definitely has a good plot line!
- Love that it's an omniscient third narration, it's new and not something many authors do. It's a fresh read from the usual first or third person.
- Chaotix it totally awesome and he's a great character, even if at some points he does seem a bit too perfect (performing all those cool moves); all the characters are pretty cool!

even better if:
- Be aware of what type of punctuation you are using and when. There were a couple of times when you turn a statement into a question which then doesn't quite make sense because of it
- Paragraph spacing mistakes do occur every now and then, but let's face it, everyone does this lol
- Few spelling mistakes (nothing a bit of editing won't conquer)
- The opening is slightly confusing as we're thrown into the plot. An introduction to the boy leaping through the trees would have been nicer and some general character descriptions are needed too, otherwise it is just a blurred image in the reader's mind. Really take the time to describe the characters to help us build an image.
- Please don't hesitate to dig deeper and further. Make the fight scenes more dramatic and exciting. They're good, but I believe you can make them better. Don't be afraid to go over the top because readers suck that stuff up like a vampire sucks blood. We love it!
- Don't explain. e.g. in episode one, you wrote:
"The trio of bad boys look back to their crying friend. What the heck just happened? Did this little boy standing in front of them just knocked down their friend?" (notice the tense mistake here (knocked), too). You can get away with just saying:
"The trio of bad boys look back at their friend.'
We already know they're shocked and surprised, so there is no need to explain -- it is simply overkill.
Another example:
"A strong crack noise is heard as the boy falls to the ground and holds his knee in severe pain."
you can remove:
"in severe pain" because we know this already from the crack sound and the fact he's lying on the floor holding his leg. Adding this on just dampens the excitement.
Another example (not from your book):
"He carefully camouflaged himself with leaves and moss, hoping no-one would see him."
You can quite easily take out: "hoping no-one would see him" and it would still make sense because the reader understands what is implied. They're not stupid, so don't feel you have to explain why a character does a certain thing.
So, WHEREVER YOU SEE A "BECAUSE", ask yourself if you NEED to explain or not. If you do, try and develop the plot or character, because it most likely means that the plot or character is undeveloped if you are having to explain their actions.
- Show don't tell. You've probably heard of this, so I won't go into too much detail, but make sure to keep this in mind throughout the story. Dont tell us what the emotion is that a character is feeling, but show us which should be easy since you're writing in omniscient third.
- Remove filler words like "apparently" and "that" etc because they are unnecessary. I struggle with this too, but one thing that helps me, is reading a sentence over and taking certain words out as you read it, and if it makes sense without the word, scrap it.
- I feel like the opening of the book is rather rushed, take more time to introduce the characters and build on the plot instead of skimming it. At one point the mysterious boy is fighting the bad guys and the next they are running to a different location and get lost. The way I've written that and explained it, is pretty close to the way you've written it. Instead, have them racing through the trees, branches hitting their face and tripping over logs, panting, hearts racing, looking frantically back every now and then, the girl dragging the boy along or vice versa until finally they stop. Have them looking round, build the tension. Make the forest seem scary and big and the reader will understand they're lost and it will also allow them to build a better mental image. Definitely keep this in mind for editing.
- get up close and personal with the plot and characters. After reading all the chapters, I feel like you're distant from the plot and characters and because of that, so are the readers. Truthfullly, I feel your book is lacking excitement and the personal touch to it. Don't be afraind to dig deep and really make the story more of an emotional roller coaster. Sorry to be so harsh, but I feel it was really important for me to point this out. It's just rather lack luster, but you definitely have the talent and I can definitely see it going somewhere.

overall:
You have an amazing plot line and cool characters, but you're letting it down with the lack of personality to it and not quite hitting the sweet spot for me. It may be great for others, but it wasn't really my cup of tea, however, I really hope this review will help you in your writing journey! Please don't feel disheartened by the ebi's -- my only goal in writing this review is to help you :)

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Wild Wild Witch

I shall first of all start by saying I seriously loved this book so much! After it was recommended on Instagram to me by inkitt, I thought I would check it out and I am so glad I did!

But I was disappointed at the very abrupt ending. I felt like the plot could have been built upon so much more, so it didn't hit the mark for me at all, but I am completely in love with the basis and idea. I would have loved to have seen more character development and I really do feel that more twists and turns could have bene added. The ending was a let down for me, but aside from that I love the basis! Please, do think about expanding it more to add more adventures and excitement! It just felt like it was lacking in some areas. Especially the end scene with Lucifer. He is such a powerful person and I felt like he was defeated wayyyyy to easily. Drag it out, add some plot twists and bring the stakes up even more to really capture the readers! Don't be afraid to go all out. Make the impossible become possible because I know you can!

I also want to point out that you have multiple points of view in each chapter which is very jarred for me as a reader. When writing a book, you should only have one point of view per chapter. This is because head hopping (swapping points of views) is very disorientating for the reader. When you are doing this, it unsettles the reader from their origional point of view and takes a while for them to settle back down into another pov only to be moved once again etc. I also missed the point of view switch in a couple of the chapters which got me very confused so I would change it to one point of view per chapter if possible :)

One more thing I'd that whilst I didn't spot any grammatical mistakes, there was the repeated mistake of not adding spaces before and after the em dashes. You gotten wrote like this: she looked up--he was there. (Sorry, bad example lol), when it should be like this: she looked up -- he was there. Or, if you're from America, this: she looked up-- he was there. I hope his helps!

I did love the characters as well but there was so much room for character development if you extended the plot, but for a quick read, it is really good and I definitely recommend!

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An honest review

When reading this book, I wrote down a list of what I think went well and what I felt needed improvement, so here I shall be diving in to that list and I truly hope this review will be or use to you, helping you improve as a writer and learn more! Please not I am by no means a professional reviewer, these are merely just tricks I've picked up through my writing journey. Please not that the criticism shall all be constructive and will hopefully help you improve as a writer.

The first thing that really stood out to me about this novel was how the beginning and opening sentence really grabbed my attention. I could immediately tell that the MC was going to be a likeable character and I wasn't wrong! She is such a humorous, and I feel, relatable character that it's hard not to like her!

The opening paragraph really did capture my attention which is always a good sign and so did the humor embedded in this book. It's always hard to create humor in novels but you did so easily and smoothly, I actually found myself chuckling at some parts of the novel which I never usually do! So well done!

I also thoroughly enjoyed the plot line, however, I did feel it was a tad on the cliche side and not overly different form many wattpad books I've read in the past. I recommend really digging in and making your book stand out from the crowd. After all, that's what you've got to do if you want to have any chance of getting published.

With that being said, I don't think this book would get traditionally published without some editing. The first thing I want to focus on is the lac of punctuation with dialogue and in between dialogue. There were also a few sentences which felt choppy and rushed due to the lack of commas and I really recommend when writing, to read aloud to yourself as you will be able to tell where a comma is needed to make the sentence flow more easily. One example I found was:
"Nick like his girlfriend..." This should have been: "Nick, like his girlfriend," it makes the sentence flow much more easily and so I really recommend going over a thorough edit for this book as it does really need it. Another point to make about punctuation is that elipses shouldn't be written as: "..." With no spacing, but as: " . . . " With spacing before and after and in between the dots. You don't add a spacing at the end though if it is followed by a quotation mark (at the end of dialogue) or at the end of a paragraph.

I also felt there were some areas which lacked certain aspects. One aspect was a wider variety of ways to say "said" and other similar words. I recommend having a Theasaurus on hand when coming round to editing to come up with words which are perhaps more fancy or a bit more unusual instead of the word "said" -- not that there isn't anything wrong with this word, I just feel it will help you to add more expressions for the characters etc. I also think you should add more actions in between speech, especially when two or more people are holding a long conversation. Tell me what they are doing as they are talking. Has one gone to go and put the kettle in for coffee? Or is another eating a bag of chips? Really make them seem 3D because at the moment, they feel slightly flat.

Another thing to note is the lack of character flaws in some of the characters. I am mainly talking about Noah here because to me he feels to perfect and characters should always have flaws. This makes them more relatable and makes them seem like real people and not some higher level of the human species if this makes sense. When meeting a character, it is also then important to talk about their flaws to make them more memorable and to make them stand out. Another thing about character descriptions: don't tell me everything about a character upon the first introduction we have to them. You wrote:
"looking in the mirror my emerald green eyes stare back at me, my friends say because of my blonde hair and tan skin I look like a typical Californian sweet girl next door . . ." Remove this completely. Let us find out about the main character's looks a different way. Perhaps she is brushing her hair and has to pull out the hair from the brush and sees a different colour hair mixed in with the blonde of her own. Have her yell to her roommate telling her not to use her brush again or to at least remove the hair, something like that. Or have another character comment on the main character's eyes perhaps wishing they had the same eye colour as her instead of brown etc. Weave in character descriptions naturally instead of all at once. I don't mean to sound rude, but it feels like a very simple, childish way to write. Maybe childish isn't the right word, but you get what I mean.

This also leads me onto my next point. Information dumping. This is when a writer piles a load of information on to the reader at the start. It can be overwhelming and sometimes hard for the reader to remember which information belongs to which character. I found this to be a problem, especially in the first couple of paragraphs where you tell the reader everything about every characters let us find out over time and gradually so it's not so stressful and overwhelming. You telling us everything about the character is the same as people telling us about their story and who they are all at once -- it's hard to remember things and it isn't realistic. The chances of someone telling you their life story at once is very unusual and therefore I think you should slowly weave in the information about a character or characters.

I also want to say that the flashback in chapter one felt unnecessary to me. It didn't reveal any information to drive the plot forward and was only a way to introduce other characters. At least, that's what it felt like to me. It also felt like it was just words to increase the word count and so they had no actual motive behind them to drive the plot forward. I recommend only having flashbacks if they are important and add to the plot. If not scrap them completely as they are just fillers. I must admit, I did find myself skipping some of the flashbacks in the book. I also recommend weaving each flashback in naturally instead of cutting off present day with the subtitle "flashback". For example, in the first chapter you did this when it could have been written like this instead:
""I chuckle to myself at the memory from earlier this morning. Trust my roommate, Hannah, to deprive me or sleep first thing on Monday morning . . ."
And if there is important information needed in the flashback, then include it, but don't just have a flashback to take up space and increase the word count.

There were also a couple of spelling mistakes scattered about and the wrong use or "your" in the first chapter that is spotted, but everyone does that and it's nothing that a bit of editing can't fix. I recommend getting a friend or beta reader to read through your book to help you spot the mistakes to help improve upon them etc.

I also want to point out that when you address the audience through synthetic personalisation, to me personally, it is rather off putting and personally I would avoid doing do but I don't know if that is too much of a big problem or of it is just my personal preference. You'd have to ask some other people about that to be honest.

Finally, please don't ever include abbreviations like "QB" instead or "Quarterback" as it is off-putting and doesn't flow too well and never use a mix of numbers if in other places you've spelled out the numbers. For example, you wrote "$20 says he doesn't make it round the tenth lap . . ." It should be: "Twenty dollars he doesn't make it round the tenth lap . . . " stick to spelling out numbers so it flows more easily otherwise you have a weird mix of letters and numbers. same for time stamps. say: "five past seven" instead of "7:05".

Finally, I want to end on a positive not by saying well done to including topics you seem to know about yourself. It's always good when a writer writes about something they know instead of taking a wild stab in the dark, so well done!

I do see potential in your writing -- especially with your amazing humor -- but there does need to be some improvement if you want to stand the chance of being published as it is a cut throat job which requires skill and dedication. So keep practicing and don't give up and you may just make it one day! Over all though, I did enjoy reading this book with its loveable characters and enjoyable plot! After all, who doesn't enjoy a good quarterback romance novel once in a while!

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Honest review

Hiya! When I was reading your book, I tend to write down things and pointers for the author on where they can improve and what is good about their book so here is my review for your novel!

I want to start with the plot. I thought, after reading it, that's the plot was pretty good! I really did enjoy it along with the character development and learning all about the MC and I can definitely see you have a talent and love for writing which is totally awesome, so well done! I really enjoyed this book! Keep up the amazing work! โค๏ธ

Now let's get into the nitty gritty parts of this book. I'll start by focusing on writing style. Whilst I enjoyed your writing style, I did feel there were areas which could be improved upon. The first thing I've scribbled down in my list is the need for something more gripping as the opening sentence of this book. You have probably heard it before, but the opening sentence is what really grips the reader's attention. A lot can be said about a writer in those few short words so I really, really recommend opening it with a bang -- something more captivating. I really recommend just searching up on the web "opening book sentences" and you'll see examples from books and some ideas you could use for your own book. This is also something really important for when you want to perhaps traditionally publish a book. Why? Because when publishers receive a book to read through, they have THOUSANDS of others which have been sent in so you need to make yours stand out above the rest. I heard form somewhere that publishers can read the first two or so pages and immediately tell if a book is good or not, that is how cut throat this job is, so I really think you should experiment with opening sentences and you may just see a few more readers stick around longer.

Another point I changed to focus on is the old saying "show don't tell". I don't know if you've heard of this or not, but I'm going to give you an example from something you write in your book and hopefully you'll see what a difference this technique makes:
You write: โ€œShe had been weeping all day long.โ€
Okay, that's very simple, straight to the point. We know she's crying, fair enough. However, perhaps consider something along the lines of this:
My example: โ€œHer face felt blotchy and swollen. Her nail bitten hand brushed against the damp pillow her pounding head rested upon. Her crusty eyes opened and her heart tugged painfully. She felt like she had been laying in bed for a lifetime yet it wasn't long enough to escape her reality. The only way she could escape, slip through the fingers of fate, was through sleep. Only then did she find a sense of tranquility.โ€
There is no mention of the words tears/weep/cry but you can see that she has cried. The reader knows this through the description and this is show don't tell.
Try using this technique through another extract of your book:
โ€œTears started streaming down her face.โ€ what could you use instead? If you need help, Google is there for you!

The next thing I want to focus on is something called filler words. This CHANGED MY WORLD when I first heard about this. It's basically any words which are unnecessary and that can be taken out (can you spot one in this sentence? It's the word "that" in this case) and it wouldn't effect the sentence in any way. They add nothing to it and thus can be removed. In your book, you wrote:
โ€œshe had this strange gut feeling that something was wrong.โ€
(I'm also going to touch on something else I felt was needed with this part of the novel later, just bare with me.) Can you spot the filler? It is the word "that". You can remove it and it has no effect on the sentence. There are other words which are fillers you can find on the internet but I just wanted to focus on "that" as it is the most common filler word writers use.

Right, now going back to that example I just picked out form your book, I also want to focus on the scene in general. USING THAT SENTENCE MAKES WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN WAYYYYY TO OBVIOUS. Sorry for the caps, it's just important XD. Anyway, perhaps use something like pathetic fallacy instead. The writer shouldn't have to tell the reader that something is wrong. The reader should know because of the setting, mood, atmosphere and other subtle hints. I also think dragging this scene out would help a lot. Why? Because it adds tension and worry and makes the reader feel nervous. Perhaps start off with her getting out her car and noticing one she had never seen before parked next to her bf's car or something. It's subtle but not blindingly obvious that something bad is about to happen. Maybe it's also night and it's raining so she doesn't give it much thought and just rushes to the door, unlocking it and stepping inside (OR MAYBE THE DOOR WAS ALREADY UNLOCKED?!). Maybe she spots a pair of boots she doesn't recognise on the floor or a car key with a pink prom pom on by the door or can smell a faint sent of perfume lingering in the air? I'd be careful though as adding too many hints can also make it too obvious which is why you also want to have the character play it off as nothing. Perhaps the shoes were a new pair or the keys were something he'd found on the floor and wanted to hand in to the police? Make the character play off little details as if they are nothing. The same for the door, maybe her boyfriend is just forgetful sometimes? let her fool herself and the reader. Then, go make everything more heart wrenching, have her look at photos on the wall. Of her and her bf in special moments, maybe for an anniversary or when he asked her out and a pic form their first date. Have her and the readers live those memories so by the end, when the boyfriend walked in seeming out of breath, she is smiling and rushes up to him, kissing him and then that's when she notices his swollen lips or perhaps a hockey on his neck or even the smell of perfume. Then she knows and the whole thing is so much more painful. Make the readers want to cry and make them feel really sorry for the main character. Then that makes the ending much more satisfactory as the reader follows the character on a journey of picking herself up again and moving on. Give the character one blow after another. Keep on shooting her down and forcing her to stand back up and fight on.

I also want to point out that a wider variety of words might be in order. Obviously you don't use "said" all the time but you do tend to use generic words which quite often, we as writers, tend to think of first, like "yell" and "asked" etc. I recommend just looking up different words on the Theasaurus just to get some more interesting words to add a bit more depth.

Another thing I want to point out is that as you don't tend to italicise thoughts running through the characters mind since you are writing in dele third, you don't need to add "she thinks to herself" at the end as it is -- on most occasions -- obvious to the reader. You can see what I mean here: "did he really think she could trust him again or had he lost his mind, she thinks to herself." In this extract you could completely scrap "she thinks to herself" and the reader would still know it is her thoughts, just in third person.

I also think you should save the flashback at the beginning for later in the book to add more mystery or tension or -- as it is something you state in the blurb (which you could think about removing) -- right at the very start, not as a flashback but as chapter one.

There was another point where the MC lies about something and we as the reader already knew that. You wrote: '"huh? Sorry I was just thinking about food.' She lied." we KNOW she lied, so change it or scrap it. If you want to change it, think about body language, does she fold one foot over the other or play with her hair or avoid eye contact?

Now I shall move on to grammar. The first thing that suck out to me like a sore thumb and made me frown, was the fact that you were head hopping!!!! Never, ever do this unless it is a new chapter! It throws the reader off guard and confuses them when you change quickly from one point of view to another, no matter how smooth the transition between characters. It is jarring, confusing and disorientating for the reader. Stick to one point of view per chapter, please! To find out more about head hopping I really recommend searching it up and trust me, I think it's something we as writers have done. I mean, I sued to be terrible for that! Luckily Holly Hamilton (author of Glass Dragons and The Water Weaver on inkitt) pointed this out to me and it changed my life!

There was also a lot of missed and mixed up use of punctuation bit that's nothing about of editing can't fix and a few missed capital letters (this also includes the name God). I also want to point out that elipses' should be written like: " . . . " Not "..." The only exception to having a space after the " . . . " One is if it's the end of a paragraph or speech. I hope that makes sense.

Finally, you use abbreviation through a shared phonecalls between the MC and her friend. You write: "'love u'" please don't every do this, never every use abreviation!

I want to go back to the part I mentioned about using a Theasaurus as I think this can be useful in another area. I found this in your novel:
"Vanessa felt so free when she glided smoothly. ( . . . ) Gliding smoothly, if only her life was smooth."
Please come up with other words to say "gliding" and "smooth" because this repetition was slightly annoying haha.

There were also a few spelling mistakes (something which we all do) and a couple of missed spacing between dialogue which I specifically spotted in chapter two.

But yes, that is all I have taken from reading your book. I will say I'm not an expert nor claim to be, however, I do hope you find these tips I've picked up over the years helpful and if you keep at it, you will get better because I do see potential in you, you just need to build on it. Everyone can write a book but it's those who learn and continue to practice are the ones who make it. Don't give up writing, keep reaching for your goal and you'll gradually get there. I hope you don't feel disheartened by this review but I needed to tell you so you aren't filled with false hope. It's better to learn form your mistakes then to keep making them. I wish you all the best in your writing career. Don't give up!!!

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Amazing!

I was slightly hesitant when deciding to read this as I don't usually take requests, but I thought, hey, why not? And can I say, I'm not disappointed!

Whilst there are a few mistakes here and there, the plot is absolutely amazing and I can't wait to read more! I love the setting of the Manor and the town and the mystery that's slowly unveiling itself.

It did throw me off when I realised the writing was in present tense as it's not a style that writers commonly use (not that there's anything wrong with it) however, it isn't a style that I enjoyed personally. I also felt that there was some description that could have been expanded upon to really make the setting more seeable and understandable. I don't really know much about what the manor, the characters or town looks like so it would be amazing if you could just expand on that. That's why I've marked down the writing style but at the same time, it's important to note that this style might be perfect for someone else so I hope you don't feel put off form writing reading this.

Also, I would love to know more about Lele's parents as we only really found out who they are around chapter four but before then, I was confused as to why they came to the manor in the first place so it would have been nice to have explanation right off the bat, if that makes sense?

However, I did love the use of words instead of said as they help to create more depth to the feelings of the characters which is always awesome, so well done on that!

Overall, this book is off to an amazing start! Definitely recommend to anyone who enjoys drama and mystery!

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Brilliant!

I seriously love this book and the only reason why I didn't give it five stars for each is because I feel like it can be improved through each point. However, having said that, your story is absolutely amazing and you are a very talented writer! Keep on practicing and practicing more and over time your book will get better, after all, all authors need to keep writing and writing etc.

I recommend looking at the website: 'the editors blog' on how to edit and expand your knowledge of writing. There are all sorts of tips and articles on different parts of writing!

Also, whilst I am a big fan of cliche stories, I have read stories that have slightly similar plot lines, for example, when main characters bump into eachother and the way Lola's mother abandoned her and her younger sister for a while. I've read quite a few books with these ideas in and I don't mean to be harsh, but it doesn't feel as origional as you could make it, especially with the whole secret and past that she can't let people know about. However, that is not to say that your writing is bad -- it is quite marvellous with only a couple of mistakes which, let's be honest, everyone makes mistakes and that's fine. I recommend trying to find a beta reader to ask for their true opinion to give you a better idea of how to improve you're plot lines. Please don't hesitate to go outside the box and write whatever you want but don't let it be inspired by the ones on wattpad, or at least, the clichรฉs on wattpad. I hope this makes sense!

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amazing!

I read this story over on wattpad quite a while ago, but I can remember clearly falling in love with the characters and the whole plot. It is a beautiful story and I really recommend reading it! The writing is also absolutely amazing!

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BRILLIANT


I read this book from start to finish and within chapter one, fell in love with EVERYTHING about this story! I REALLY recommend reading this if you love romance stories with in-depth plot and character development!

The characters are funny, whitty and relatable along with loveable (especially lil' Isaac and William and pretty much everyone else lmao) and they also have their flaws which is always important when writing a novel. Props to you author!

An issue I had was the amount of grammatical mistakes that can be found later on in the book, however, with a bit of editing, it will be fine. Also, images of texted between the characters are needed for you to read this story (therefore I suggest to read it on wattpad), but I read it without and whilst it did confuse me, I was fine so I don't think it's that detrimental.

***SPOILERS***

I would have loved to have seen something develop more between the MC and her ex boyfriend. I almost feel (no offence) that it was thrown in without proper development. I didn't even realise he abused her until near the end of the novel when we meet him. Whether I can't remember it or it wasn't there, it would be Greta to have hints to really intrigue the reader and make them wonder about her past. It just wasn't too obvious to me unfortunately.

Finally, at the end of the story, there is a girl who gives her umbrella to the MC and we are introduced to her and when you talk about how Gemma gets a bad feeling, you leave it unanswered therefore making the ending somewhat unsatisfactory. I would have loved to see more about that girl or just scrap her completely if it was just a filler to keep up the word count. You can't leave unanswered scenes and scenarios like that!! Trust me, it annoyed me lol.

But apart from that, the plot and everything else is magnificent, I'm so glad I picked up this book and have it a chance because I was very happy by the end!

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It's off to a good start!

I enjoyed reading the couple of chapters you have written so far and although I haven't been able to discover loads about the story so far, I really do think it is off to a good start!

However, I think there are a few things I think you can improve on: a better cover, because whilst the one you have got now stands out well, I think it would do better with maybe having a couple on the front or something that is a bit more interesting or intricate, however, that is totally your call. I recommend (as a writer who has been writing for seven years) making a mood board of all the covers you get inspiration from, whether it be on Google or Pinterest, and then you are able to make the perfect cover.

Another thing is that I've noticed a couple of spelling mistakes including "fly's" instead of "flies", but everyone makes mistakes! You say you use grammarly, however, as a somewhat experienced writer, I feel that you should reread your chapters thoroughly, but ultimately, mistakes will be made which is fine! That's why beta readers are so good!

One more thing is that in the second chapter, there was a section of dialogue which was rather confusing to read between the boy and the girl as it was all in one paragraph. When writing, it is always better to seperate the speech and dialogue so it is a lot easier to read.

One final note is that I would love to have a lot more description of the characters and the setting, which will also help to lengthen your chapters and help the reader to be put in the scene because I'm struggling to picture it and the characters. I hope this makes sense.

Over all though, I think you have good potential

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Love itttttt

I started reading this a while ago and am about half way through and can I just say, I am LOVING this story! The plot, the characters and writers craft are all so brilliant and I immediately got dragged in after reading the first line of this fantastic novel! My only worry is that it seems to have a couple of clichรฉs (don't want to say what so I don't spoil it!) But in all honesty, most romance and young adult novels seem to have some element of clichรฉ so it isn't a big deal! In all honesty, I think it makes the story more fun and cute!

I definitely recommend it to anyone who lives romance with a splash of clichรฉ align with a whole bucket of originality!

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