Hadley Swiss

Nice!

The further I read, the better it got. Your world building is great, as you've invented a whole new society with a whole new background. You also have distinct characters - I particularly enjoyed Stella's flashbacks and her relatable flaws and struggles - like thinking she'd lost her sister due to marriage. At times, the story was not to my taste (possibly due to the genre) but that's only my taste, and this book certainly has potential! You certainly have character development for Bethy! At times I was confused as to who is who - with Ken for example - but with the vampires, you suddenly speed thing up, and I can remember what you wrote as imagery, as if I'd seen it in a film or such. Overall, well done!

Good Start!

You've got some good groundwork- an interesting plot to work on. Your short sentences and chapter also make it easy for the reader to read through the chapter.
I do have a little constructive critique, however: as a short story, the paragraphs shouldn't break in the middle of a sentence. In poetry, that's okay as enjambment, but in a short story it chops the pace up a little. Here and there, words are misspelt, out of place and the punctuation can be off. I think you could also develop the story into something EVEN MORE interesting and engaging by adding some description and employing the technique 'show not tell', which though difficult, I'm sure you'll manage if you try your hand at it! A greater variety of sentences and descriptions would still make the story easy and fun to read (if the sentences aren't awkward) while making the scenes in the chapter reel through the reader's mind like a film and adding more variety in the pace. Descriptive word choice can also enhance emotion.
However, I have to commend you on crafting a short story, written with so little words, which is easy to follow plot-wise and makes sense. (I'm not sure why the man disappeared to the end, but generally I understood everything, and I suppose it leaves the reader open to imagine the reason) I also really liked the poignant and realistic ending: that she convinced herself she'd surely had a nightmare. Keep going and good luck with your writing!

Lovely Start with Beautiful Emotions

With only one chapter in the form of a letter, the character's emotions were beautifully written. She clearly felt strongly, and her passion - her story - was lovely to read. My only complaint is that the sentences often ramble or go on too long. The writing could be more concise. I wonder what story you will weave out of this letter, what action or struggles will follow! Keep going and good luck!

Good start

I loved the prologue. That one sentence intrigued me, as it immediately gave the narrator's voice a tone, an underlying emotion. I liked that you went back in time to before the wedding in chapter 1 - however you told too much. I would suggest you try showing instead of telling - although it can be difficult and it's normal not to do it at the start of your writing journey. However, instead of telling us that Chloe and her sister are the MC's twins, show us the girls watching the MC and have the MC notice just how similar they are to her. Show us the relations between people with dialogue - and try not to start the chapter with what some people call an "info block" - a paragraph full of information. In your story, the information was easily absorbed, however I would still suggest changing it into a scene, where the information is shown. This will also make the story more intriguing, pulling the reader in further after the well-chosen sentence in the prologue. Overall, well done! This story has a lot of potential, with a good plot and nice characters. Keep going!

Needs Work

As your first story, it's perfectly normal to need a lot of work on your writing. It took me two years to get where I am now - and I still need to improve. Your story has potential for good characters, and I'm sure you could develop a fantastic plot. I have several suggestions and some constructive critique for you, however. Many first-time books start with a routine in the morning, describing how a character gets to e.g. school. If it's not that important, however, I'd suggest you leave that out and skip right to the first important scene for your book. Secondly, you don't need to tell us how much Lisa's grandfather loves her. Instead, give us a scene in which they interact. Show Lisa, her body language, and her grandfather's. Describe the smells, the senses, and use certain words to describe emotions instead of telling us, e.g. "Lisa felt wistful." or "Mr Jack Mason loved his daughter." Instead, e.g. write: "Mr Jack Mason watched his daughter walk away with a wistful smile, his eyes a warm chocolate. 'Don't get into too much trouble!" he called after her, his voice teasing.
Lisa rolled her eyes, "Don't do that yourself!" With a chuckle, Mr Jack Mason turned away. He couldn't know that Lisa would meet her first love that day - or maybe he'd have had a long talk with her."
So, show not tell. It can be difficult, especially at the start, but I'm sure you're capable. My third main point is your grammar. Pay attention to small and capital letters, commas, spaces between words and punctuation, tenses, and spelling! Your first chapter was riddled with mistakes - and a story with subpar grammar turns the reader away and slows the story pace down. I think you could become a great writer with time, determination - and with the ability to accept critique. I wish you much luck, and hope you won't give up. Nice first try though! Keep going!

Original

The way this story was written was new, original. It was written in the form of a message to a dystopian world. Usually, I don't enjoy such plots, but I liked this story. It was short, fun, interesting. New. Occasionally, there was a mistake here and there, or an awkwardly phrased sentence. But this story marks an interesting theme: perfection, and was a very enjoyable read.

Amazing

Despite being in the espionage department, with agents and co (not something I’m into) this has to be one of the best books I’ve read so far. With amazing characters and a powerful narrative style, the reader is sucked into the MC’s world and the plots in it. The MC is an interesting character, and when reading, you can tell the author has gotten into his head really well, because he might as well be a real human for all the realism in his narration style and reactions to the world around him. This is a wonderful book - well done!

Interesting

Your first two chapters were wonderful. You have a great narrative style, full of great vocabulary and formal phrases which are delightful to read. You also brought twists into the story - the second chapter was unexpected and exciting. The emotions were also beautifully expressed. I didn't want to give the story a relatively low rating - and I'm willing to change it if I see fit. My problem with this book was the confusion. A few plot twists didn't make sense.
*Spoilers up ahead.*
I was surprised when Vishal was alive once more. It all started to get confusing at that point where I pointed out my confusion at the Due la Manse. You had wonderful scenery - but it didn't make sense for Vishal to be alive. If you wanted that to happen, you had to slow the story down and slip in small details - unobvious, but which will make sense afterwards. A few concepts in your dystopia were also flung onto the readers - why were the men coming from different planets and why exactly was Gayathri caught up in the whole assassin's game? Why did Alex return to Arvind's apartment? Why were the two children from the planet Elena, and how did they know about anything? How did they become rulers before the Master? There are a lot of confusing questions that need clearing up. I'd suggest making the story longer. You don't need to explain things - you need to show us some scenes before the third and fourth chapter that give the answers to the questions above, which prevent confusion when everyone is found alive afterwards.
Other than that, like I said, you have a fabulous writing style. I must commend you on that. You also seem good at finding plot twists. Keep writing!

Seems good - helpful

For anyone who searches for themselves, or rather to be what they want to be, this is a great book full of easy explanations for all, talking about basically 'psychology' or the soul, and the author's ideas about it. It is formatted well and has almost no grammar mistakes, and is easy to understand. For that, I must applaud the author. Nicely done!

Wow.

You had a soft beginning, but suddenly I was immersed in this terrible tale. The way you wrote was fantastic - I recommend it to anyone who loves horror or even paranormal. Your narrative style was fantastic, your grammar practically flawless. Your characters were immediately lovable, and you brought to life relatable sisters, a nice family - and a horrible woman. Amazing work. Not only were the right details used to be mentioned again later in a new context, (an impressive feat), this had to be one of the best stories I've ever read on Inkitt. I was hooked to the very end,

Has Potential

When I read the title, I thought this story would be about some people in a maze, but what your presented was something altogether more fascinating. I love the world you have built - it is intriguing and you seem to know it and its background quite well. The main things I'd suggest improving, however, are:
1. Punctuation and capitals. Often, sentences didn't start with capitals, some names weren't capitalised, and there were often missing full stops or commas.
2. Paragraphs. When another character starts talking, his speech must go on a new line/in a new paragraph. This grammar rule was often neglected.
3. Emotion. Often, it seems you missed opportunities to express strong emotions. When Zeyara is told about her father's murder, give her time to be emotional. Maybe the second seems to take ages. "This was a bombshell, exploding right in front of my face. I felt my heart slowly sinking. No! I didn't want to believe what I was hearing, but something in my brain was finally accepting what I'd feared all along..." You don't need to use this - the point is that it might be beneficial not to rush through that scene and add some thoughts, details and emotion to your story (although the latter can be rather difficult.)
Other than that, you have a good start with potential. Your MC's are likeable and your plot seems to be going down a good road!

Allegory

Although it’s too early in the story to judge your plot, you seem to have a clear idea of your world. I like your character names and I loved the description of the emprisoned ‚creatures‘ stuck in their houses. Your story has a lot of potential.
Now, onto the things that weren’t so good: your first chapter began very well, although it started to go down when you introduced your character with the typical “I am bla bla, aged bla bla etc.” In itself, this isn’t so bad, but I’d suggest keeping this information from us and showing it instead of telling it. It’d also make it more memorable.
You often forget commas throughout your chapters, especially in sentences in between clauses. You also need to have a look at your text and cut any unnecessary words, making sentences shorter and more concise. Description could also be distributed within the text, paying attention to detail, which would make the book more visual - like a film. Sensory imagery would also help world building.
However, these things can be changed with some editing. You did a good job with your dialogue, and I love it that you know your story background so well!

Hilarious and brilliant

Despite several grammar mistakes, missing words etc, I had to give this book a five-star rating. Why? Because it was funny; the characters were all lovable, life-like and imperfect. The author used the premise of love and misunderstandings to create a realistic, lovable story which I’d even reread. I loved the scenery; the book was like a film in my head, in which I could get immersed, the world outside fading away as the story took shape. What the author wrote was beautiful and fun, a great engaging read. I definitely recommend this book, and I can’t wait to read more!

Great Potential

You seem to have a good plot, and your characters seem life-like and interesting. I get the impression that there's a connection between the nightmare, Earl and the crime - and that's certainly fascinating. Your main problem is grammar: punctuation is sometimes missing or misplaced, some words are used wrongly, and there are even text abbreviations in the speech: "u" instead of "you" and "coz" instead of "because." I also found some things confusing: is she going with Earl because she had a nightmare and he'd sleep in the same place as her the next night - and if so, why are they suddenly at school? Try clearing up motives and especially time: is it morning? Try using the sun or weather to show that! Overall, you description was very nice. Sometimes, you told instead of showed things about some characters, but generally, I thought description was one of your main points, especially for architecture. I like the fact that your story is set in Dublin, and that it is meant to be "unpredictable." You made a good start to the story, and I'm sure that with some clearing up and some grammar editing, this could eventually become a great story. I also like your title and especially the subtitle on your cover page!

Nice!

Wow. You had moral in this story: don't revenge like he did. Be careful with what decisions you make. This was a quick, efficient and interesting short story: dark and powerful. I like your plot, and the way the story progressed, returning from the past to Yuri and the shopkeeper. I'm sorry about the girl, as well as the father and the anger that ended up being such poison both against his enemy and him. Nice work!

Sweet!

This story is written really nicely. I could picture it in my head, and the people seemed relatable, the events interesting and sometimes sweet. I liked the fact that the characters weren't perfect, and I also like the direction the story seems to be going in. Furthermore, the writing style is very enjoyable, and it is pretty well written (apart from a few awkward sentences and a couple grammar mistakes, which I pointed out. I hope that's helpful.)
In a couple of areas, you could add a tinge more details, or show instead of tell, but mainly, this is a very nice, quick read. I liked it that the characters weren't predictable, although I think they were consistent (however, there's too little written as of yet to know for sure.) The first chapter was a good start to the story, probably more of a prologue than anything else, and a good way to give a little background. I certainly hope you continue writing this beautiful, moonlit story!

Simply Amazing - Recommend It

This is an amazing read. Your writing could just as well be in a paperback as on inkitt. The description is great, with similes, but not over-used either. The characters are interesting, the plot intricate and engaging. There were a few rare typos here and there (I pointed them out with comments, you should get them by email.)
Other than that, I really admire your writing. It's beautiful. There is suspense and mystery, and the pacing is fantastic, the characters real and lovable.

Nice!

Although I can't judge very well yet because of how short this is, I have to say I really enjoyed this book. When I found out it was about a model, I was a bit sceptical at first. I thought the idea was typical, and perhaps also over-used, but then I really enjoyed it. Bonus! I also think you portrayed the characters well, you grounded the reader so that nothing was confusing. The sentence structure was good; your paragraphs neither too short nor too long. You also had lovable characters and an easy-to-picture setting.
Sometimes, you forgot commas here or there, and made tense mistakes. I also think the first line in every chapter should have been grammatically correct, but you used "i" instead of "I", forgot capital letters, and punctuation. I assume there were supposed to be chapter names - perhaps try transferring them to the chapter name itself? Apart from these small typos, you did many things well. I generally don't enjoy this kind of book, but this was a fun, quick, great read. Keep writing!

The Darkness of War

I have to say that I love the thoughtful, dark and realistic ride this has been. The characters were realistic; this truly expresses the way things can trouble people for years. Beautifully written!
I believe there were a few mistakes in the first chapters, but otherwise, this was greatly written.

Teen Fiction

I liked the way the characters were relatable, fun, and witty. Also, you made a good job of describing infatuation, and the dialogue was also realistic! There were a few cliches, but the one thing I think you need to edit is the grammar. The tenses were constantly changing from present to past and vice Verda. Also, if someone new is talking, their speech goes in a new paragraph. Finally, numbers from 0-10 have to be written out. I found several things in the first chapter not quite clear - like the thing with the battery - but apart from that, this was an enjoyable, fast-paced read. I enjoyed the intro and especially, the characters' banter. Nicely written!

Cool

I quite enjoyed this book. The idea of evil sometimes reminded of the philosopher Nietzsche, who said that people sometimes acted like beasts with strangers because they were freed of social pressure. So this was different, but also had similarities to that in some ways. However, I think a few things could benefit from editing. For example, you need to review your use of commas. Also, it might be useful to talk a bit more - just a bit more - about the characters. Perhaps show their backgrounds, a particular quirk or their physical details. I suggest this because although I could distinguish Jim Ferret, his wife, and Jim Jenkins as well as Ride, I had difficulty for the most part distinguishing Moose, Clay etc. Sudgen and his partner were a bit easier, but they also need a little more detail. Furthermore, the dialogue was often unrealistic, in the way that it seemed you were trying to show too much information through it. Showing information with dialogue is good, but only to a certain extent. Dialogue is usually relatively mundane, so it might be good to review the dialogue, or if you don't see what should be changed, get someone to act it out or perhaps give yourself some time to listen to the conversations around you (preferably with their permission.) otherwise, you had a refreshing style, an interesting topic, and a good end. Nice!

Emotional

This is a story about depression, heart-break and guilt. It only has the first chapter, but this could become a great book. I found the reveal both cool and slightly confusing - because how could the voice not know they're ... I'd suggest working on that just a little. Also, the grammar (especially punctuation and from time to time, tense) has to be edited.
Other than that, this was a chapter which made me emotionally invested in the character and portrayed sadness in a beautiful, realistic way. Nicely written! Good luck with the book!

Realistic

I liked the way you emphasised the problems war brought out in the fighters, and the way you made Adrian feel alone. It was realistic and well done. My problem, however, was the grammar. Often, words were missing or the words were spelt wrong etc. This made the story slightly difficult to read. Also, at the start, I didn't understand what Adrian's plan was, and later I didn't understand what Adrian had done which didn't save the Germans, his enemies. This confused me, so perhaps add some more background. If you can't see your mistakes, perhaps ask friend or family or a beta-reader here to review it for you.
Apart from the above, this story has potential. I liked the story-line. Good luck!

Good Start

I enjoyed reading this chapter. Your writing style is clear and easy to read - the chapter wasn't confusing. I also liked the way the dystopian setting was set up, and the character seemed nice.
However, you have one problem (which I and probably everyone else have had in the past) and that is: show, not tell. During the chapter, you told us about the world, and everyone around it. Instead, try revealing small details about the setting over time - it will cause mystery and intrigue. Also, when you say people are dead, try showing that instead. EG: "I slid the panel to the side, entering the lady's home. A rank smell lay about the place, and red stains coated the carpet. At first, it seemed the woman had caused more damage than the guard, for they lay about. A few severed heads had rolled near to the fireplace, a haphazard cut running through the necks. Quickly, I rushed to the next room, bile rising in my throat." Etc. So, I'd suggest trying to work on the showing (which will also cause even more tension), but apart from that, the chapter was a very nice start! Well done! I hope the advice helps, and good luck for the book!

Wow

This is an amazing story, probably completely unprecedented. You wrote about youth and dreams and old age - good topics, too. Although I found it quite confusing due to the living and dreaming not being set apart, the story kept my attention all along. Also, the grammar should probably be reviewed. Apart from that, nicely written!

Benjamin and Louise

I am really sorry to give such low ratings. I did like the motherly and careful way Louise acted, the tension in chapter two, and the realistic way things unfolded at the start. I also liked the part about anorexia as abuse is a traumatic thing and could possible cause that.
However, the reason for my low mark was this: the grammar needs a lot of work. There was hardly any punctuation. The full stops and speech marks have to be added. When a new person talks, it goes on a new line. Also, I found Benjamins appearance very cliched. A man can be handsome without having muscles from extensive workouts. Also, although I liked the idea of the whole story, it needs work. Perhaps describe the teenage years in a bit more details. Put in actual memories - for example, show the scenery and the way Michelle persuaded Louise and Edward to go out. Also, when Louise runs away from abuse, I think she wouldn't be comfortable near another man straight away. I love the idea, but I believe someone would need time after Singh in an abusive relationship.
Apart from that, I love Louise's friends' support, Benjamin's determination, and the overall plot. Have a good edit - especially for punctuation (once that's been corrected, this will already be miles better). Again, I love the idea of this story and I hope you'll take the criticism on. This book, with a little work, has potential. Keep writing!

Beautiful and Emotional

I really enjoyed reading this. It made love Anne and Aaron as well as Melissa and Avery. I loved the way you were familiar with Aaron's background, and you could recount it in an easy, flowing style. The story was emotional and very well written. The only thing I found difficult was that sometimes it seemed like some things were jumping from one place to the next, the chronological order not quite clear (but only in the first few chapters.) Apart from that, I really enjoyed reading this. It was beautiful and realistic, with events leading to the next. Nicely written!

Absolutely Beautiful

I loved this story, the description, the MC and her character traits. I also enjoyed the little build ups causing tension - little details making the story even more intriguing. You grounded the reader easily and provided realistic dialogues and characters. The way you portrayed the characters and scenery was absolutely beautiful; your grammar was almost flawless. Yes, there were a few rare mistakes here and there, but overall, this was a supreme, enjoyable read!

Nice and Intriguing

I found this book easy to read, the narrative style and story flowing and making it interesting to continue reading. I also found the main character, Elizabeth, lovable and realistic. This was an enjoyable read.
My only comment: you need to edit some of the grammar. The most common mistakes were tense mistakes, and you also spelt Ronny in two different ways (Rony and Ronny.) I found the ending slightly confusing, as I don't know what Dante refers to, though. That might have to be cleared up just slightly, although I assume there'll be more on that in further chapters.
Other than that, a supreme read!

After The Hurricane

I really enjoyed the unique, constant character voice, the nice family bond, and the general idea of the story. I also loved the characterisation of the Mum and Dad and the way you grounded the reader successfully. My only critique: review the few grammar mistakes. EG: mama and papa should always be capital when used as names, and number should be in written form. Also, the end of the chapter didn't seem well rounded off.
Apart from that, it was a fun read I really enjoyed!

An Absolute Favourite

I've had to put this in my favourites' reading list. The writing style is beautiful; the plot is supreme, the characters are unique. I also loved the fact that it is set in World War II and the setting fits with the other books I've read about Denmark during that time. Furthermore, you provide the start for a compelling, dangerous friendship and a brilliant story. Supremely written!

Beautiful

This story made me love the MC, Olivia immediately. I felt her pain and her love, and the emotions you portrayed were amazing. Overall, the writing style was beautiful, too, and I really enjoyed reading this. It also seemed deep, which made it all the more intricate to read.
The only two things I wanted to address, which might help:
First of all, some of the areas confused me. A few areas were slightly confusing. For example, did Olivia dream of the woman on the night you are describing, or a while before? This change should be indicated by a change of tense. The last paragraph, however, was the most confusing, and it seemed to come to an end quickly. This is just a suggestion, but perhaps describe the intruder just a little. Also, I thought it was (R... A... Don't want to give a spoiler!) but then he had grey hair, so that confused me.
Other than that, there were a few slightly awkward phrases and one or two tense mistakes.
However, overall, I really enjoyed it, and I hope you get to make it into the beautiful novel it has the potential for. Last but not least, your writing style is beautiful. Very nice!

Nice Idea

I really admire the way you decided to tell the story of your ancestors. I think it's one of those things which are really important, and I also think the amazing people out there should be remembered. So, I admire your decision to write this story.
You also didn't have too many grammar mistakes, I thought.
The only thing I need to critique : and this is why I gave it a three : is that I was confused from time to time. I think you need to give more grounding about the characters so that I can easily remember who is who. In the fist chapter, the first few sentences pulled my in immediately. On the other hand, I got confused about which grandpa you were talking about as it turned from somebody's grandpa to my grandpa and back to somebody else's. Or perhaps that was just me?
Also, if you do know what truly happened in the past, a few more details or perhaps dialogue would be nice - although the current amount of dialogue is perfectly fine too. I loved how you showed the people and the few speeches you did include were defining and nice. Again, a few more details would be nice - and also if some things went slower (but that goes along with description.)
However, I don't usually read non-fiction, so my tips are purely observations I think may be useful.
Again, this is an important, great story, so please don't take my extensively-explained critique as something bad. This story has true potential - it just needs a teeny bit of work. I hope this helps! Good luck with the novel!

Victoria Tales

I really enjoyed 'watching' the characters, and this tale would definitely one I'd be interested to read. I also love the title and the plot overall.
Things you could improve: I was confused at times about what was going on. You referred to one of the girls as the girl in a dialogue - which is usually good, but there I had to read over the past. Perhaps give a little more grounding about the characters without being too clear for the sake of the 10-12 year olds. Yes, they might like simpler language most of the time, but one of the tips I've read by an author was not to make things simpler for children, as they like to think and books teach them vocabulary.
Other than that, I really enjoyed the story. Good luck with the book! I hope this helped!

Good Start

Now, I can't say much about just one chapter, but this had an intriguing start. The girl seemed realistic enough, and she had lots of good characterisation to define her character. I like the idea of the Dixon family, and the MC's organisation.
Again, I can't tell much from so little, but this was a great start! Good luck with the novel!

Amazing

I loved the concept of the world, with the colours resounding emotions. I loved the idea of the romance and the MC in general. Furthermore, the whole passage was really well written.
A beautiful story.
Even the ending fit perfectly.
There were some parts, where I thought Ethan's character seemed slightly irregular - from shy to confident to shy. Some reactions to situations also seemed somewhat realistic.
However, this was a fantastic read. I loved it. Well done!

Great Start!

I really enjoyed the unique perspective, the MC's daydreams and general thoughts, and the general idea we get of her. I also enjoyed the first scene in general - a very nice start! Here and there, there were grammar mistakes or awkward phrasings, but other than that, very well done!

The Last Dance

I loved the realistic reactions towards tragedy and was intrigued by the title. I also like the characters general being.
However, I found the plot wasn't very strong - not because it Was a bad story (the plot actually does have lots of potential) but simply because it seemed a lot of things were just being made up as you wrote. I liked the idea of the war veteran, her background in general, etc, but I think you can improve. Try grounding us more at the start, so the history doesn't come as a shock, and perhaps make the MC wonder more about her ability to speak Russian. Also, the MC isn't a teenager, so the writing style should, in my opinion, have less Teen Angst.
Other than that, there were some funny parts, your grammar was fine and the overall story was inventive. Nice!

Nice Start!

I enjoyed reading this. It was a fast-paced read, with funny little scenarios like the one with the chicken, which I particularly enjoyed. This story has definitely got potential, especially as a first draft (I'm guessing, as it's NaNoWriMo.) I loved the characters, and especially the MC's perspective.
The things you can improve in 1. I'd like to know what the character's look like. At the start, maybe ground us on them a little bit. Don't write huge long paragraphs one by one, but perhaps add in small details in small sprinkles throughout the text. It'll definitely help us know who Katie, Adam, Oscar and the others are quicker.
2. You tell a lot - so one of the things you can do (also to lengthen your writing) is instead of tell us there's a dead fish on the sand, show us the MC approaching carefully. Suddenly on the sand, there's a grey creature, sunlight glinting off the rotting scales. What I mean by this, is you can describe a little more.
However, that's up to you. The last chapter (No.11) had a brilliant ending with brilliant dramatic effect, so I would suggest keeping that.
3. Inevitable as it is, there are grammar mistakes.
However, these are all normal mistakes. I've done them often too, and this is YOUR book, write it as you wish. I LOVED the pace, and the general idea of the huge family with cheeky parents - although they don't seem all that authoritative. Nice start, pretty well written! Good luck for the rest of NaNoWriMo, and generally for the book! :)

Fantastic!

Wow. I loved the twist and the reveal : the reveal as to what the MC's world is really about. I actually really enjoyed it. At the start, I admit to being slightly thrown as I didn't totally understand what was going on, but then you cleared it all up in the third and fourth chapter. You could perhaps ground the reader slightly in the first few pages, but that is optional. Overall, I really enjoyed this story. Brilliant! I'm giving you a five because the dialogue was realistic, the twist really took me over and made me love the plot, which I loved. Fabulous!

Beautiful Life Views

Wow. I really enjoyed reading this, even though I found the first chapter confusing. I especially enjoyed the eighth chapter. You really included beautiful life morals, and it was really nice to read.
This should be read by others because of the characters' unique views on the world, their way of life, and the relatable bullying situations.
The only things I think should be changed was that either they should be in university, or it should be made clearer that they're in university, because the dialogue sounded adult-ish.
Also, you need to check some grammar and make the first chapters less confusing. For that, I'd suggest grounding the reader a bit more: including memories of the past, the setting etc. I think you also need to make sure we always know that Maydee likes music, maths and literature from the start, because it seemed as if those elements were being made up on the way.
Apart from that, I loved the kind of person Maydee was, with several interests and especially the different ways she and Allen dealt with sickness. The love story was also beautiful. Also, "persons" should be "people." Finally, there were also some tense mistakes.
Apart from that, like I said, this was definitely a worthy read, which makes me think about the way Maydee perceived the world.

Beautiful Comparison

I loved reading this, as it was beautifully written. i especially loved the way you opened the story, describing the proverb and putting it into context. There were a few mistakes here and there, but overall, it was really well written! Nice!
The only thing I would also encourage is making the story longer. Maybe you could have a chapter (the start) describing the proverbs. Then, maybe a scene with the accident, being sheperded away, and then the events which led up to Mrs. Rahman coming, for example: the pitiful glances cast by former friends etc.
Of course, this is optional, but I really think it would make a difference: I would just add in more detail.
Also, the first chapter didn't end satisfactorily- I think it would be better if the whole thing was in a chapter, or you split the two chapters somewhere else.
Apart from that, like I said, it was a beautiful read and you write with a supremely pleasant style!

Always

I really enjoyed the calm start you offered with the two people. both attractive, and yet so different. There was also a nice amount of dialogue and you showed what Storm was doing efficiently.
However, there were a few recurring mistakes. For example, you said, ""Yes."" and on the next line, "She replied." This would be less confusing and have a better pace as, ""Yes," she replied." You do this quite often, so I'd suggest checking over that.
You also have areas, where you have extra commas. In, "and big dark eyes, seemed to bore right through him," the comma should be left away. I think the same could be done for a better flow on, "Maybe, I could show you around then."
"He found it, refreshing, almost intoxicating," should be, "He found it refreshing, almost intoxicating."
You wrote "Chapter 1" in your text after introducing the date and place, but "Chapter 1" is introduced automatically by inkitt, so you could leave that away.
Lastly, in Inkitt's term and conditions, it asks for you to use the inkitt tool as a line break. You used "****" so perhaps you could change that.
Apart from that, it was a good read and you should definitely continue writing!

Interesting Idea

I really enjoyed the way the man was dreaming and playing around in his head, and his obligations were quite interesting too- I mean, the groom was his drinking buddy and the wife his secret affair! What are the odds of that? Nice!
I especially loved the ending as it was funny in a way.
The way he argues with himself about why he should be at the wedding is also well done. The only thing I'd improve was that at some points it was slightly confusing. A few times, the sentences just made me wonder whether he was dreaming or not- though this is only a slight problem.
Also, you made a slight mistake in the first line, but apart from that, nicely written! Your style is pretty unique!

Intriguing Excerpt

This story begins vividly, full of action, description and emotion: a vivid flight into the character's experiences. After the first chapter, everything changes, and we are left with questions: how the first two chapters and the continuation hang together, what the MC's true background is, how the Cinderella-based ideas will turn out. I loved the quality of the writing: how it transported the reader, and how the grammar mistakes - although there were some - weren't so frequent as to disrupt the reading too much. This seems like an intriguing beginning!

Poignant, Promising

Project Shadow is the story of Natasha, an agent for "Project Shadow," the organisation dealing with the more difficult crimes and mysteries. After Alex's death, and before the begin of the story, she overcomes her burning desire for vengeance, so that when we enter the scene, only her nightmares and sadness remains. Still grieving, she's invited to work on his murderer's case.
This kind of plot typically is not my cup of tea, but I thought it was well-written, especially since it seems to be one of the author's first books. There were many things that could be improved - showing not telling, strong characterisation and tense changes among them - but Project Shadow also had many wonderful aspects, among them some of the poignant and sweet scenes. Natasha is a relatable main character, and the banter between her and her sister or her and her best friend is familiar and cheeky or tender. The grammar, although there were comma and tense mistakes, was also quite good. This story has a lot of potential to improve even further, potential I trust the author to fulfil, which is why I am being harsher on two of the rating criteria. Overall, it was very enjoyable. I wish the writer much luck and success.

Emotional

I loved reading this story. Although there were often commas in the wrong places, you were able to bring emotions to the page. I felt what the character's were going through, understanding the struggle - and portraying emotions is one of the things I find most difficult. Your story is realistic although sad, the characters 3-dimensional and human.
Often, it felt like you told more than showed what was going on though, making the book faster than it needed to be (in my opinion). That's something you could improve on, but I already really enjoyed the story concept. I look forwards to reading more - keep going!

I Loved It

When I saw the repetition, I was unsure of what I'd feel for the poem, but wow it was fantastic! The way you characterised the changes of the heart with metaphors of the sea and the stars, of waves taking prisoners... I loved it. This was an original, enjoyable, heart-touching poem. Keep going!

Loved it!

Despite being short, I loved the way this was written. Emotional and sensitive, the story was powerful despite it's small word count. I do feel the "Unknown" and "unknown" was getting repetitive, but it was also quite clever. I wonder how it will continue! Nice!

Emotional!

You wrote the emotions very well - I could sympathise with and understand the character, and she was immediately loveable. Your writing style is also wonderful - soft-spoken and sweet to read, the first chapter was well-written and you clearly already know a bit about writing - how to show, describe... There were no info blocks, and I loved this start. If there were more, I'd continue reading. In some places you could show even more and tell even less - and at the start, when you said "an event in my past" it sounded a little awkward. There were places here and there with typos or things that could be improved, which I pointed out (they should be found on your e-mail) but overall, this was a short, fun read. Great! Keep going!

Nice!

Having read the four chapters, I thought the story was good fun, with interesting characters. What really sold the book was the fantasy. Although the plot resembles several other books in certain ways, I've never read about any creatures similar to yours yet, and your ideas and knowledge on the background of your world was great. I loved the idea of having creatures like this living in the same world as vampires, and the fact that it was the mythical creature talking instead of a human. There are still several things to improve - grammar and typos, many which I pointed out, and at times the way the story is written. I think there could be more tension by having tighter sentences, without extra, unnecessary words. Otherwise, this was a good read! Carry on!

Good Start - Needs Work

For a start, this is great. I like the direction of the plot, the characters are likeable and I can imagine the scene. However, I do have some constructive critique. First of all, it might be good to put chapters 1 and 2 in the same story - with only one "Fola Book 1" on your profile so the readers don't have to search for the chapters. Secondly, your narrative style sounds like a young child speaking. It's good that it sounds like her, but the narrative shouldn't be verbal. Less should be told, and more shown. You can do this, for example, by describing the senses. You described the hulking figure well - now use that description even more fully to make it seem scary to the reader - but don't tell us it's scary! Thirdly, there can be more details in general. By showing us the scene, we have to be able to learn gradually what her history is. How she feels. It'll also make your word count bigger while having better quality. I hope you will not be discouraged by this, because every writer goes through this learning stage. I certainly did. I wish you much luck with your story - you're off to a good start with the plot and characters!

Engaging!

I love the way you portray the thoughts of the main character! I could feel her emotions, see how wrecked she was, yet grimace at the assassination of the mysterious man. It's a great start to your story. It was engaging, surprising (I did not see death coming when I read the first paragraph!) and generally well written. There were a few mistakes here and there, and the first description was a bit too much telling instead of showing. For example, to suggest the MC's relation to the man, you could say, instead of "he has a lean and muscled body which is hiding under the baby blue shirt and dark jeans," you could say, "I know mother remembers his lean frame and muscled body well, and I can see them now, even though they are hidden beneath the baby blue shirt and dark jeans." Or instead of, "There is a man standing alone on this lonesom beach, talking on the phone," you could leave out that he is there - you established that in the last line. How about, "His back is facing me as I walk towards him. My footsteps are quiet enough and he is too absorbed in his phone to realise I am there, watching the back of his head - a scalp covered in dark, unruly hair. I am struck again by how tall he is - six foot two."
Of course, these are all just suggestions, and overall, your writing was fantastic. Well done and good luck with the rest of it!

Good Start!

I liked the way you made everything white, and how realistic the characters' thoughts were. What's happening? Why is she in that room? Is she insane? Some of these could also be made into trains of thought instead of mere questions, but the chapter was enjoyable and you have a lovely writing style. You occasionally switch tenses and have several mistakes through-out (which is okay, normal, especially in a first draft.) These could be edited out. In a few places, you could also show some things more. Maybe the place smells of something. But otherwise, this was a great start. Good luck with the story!

Good

The author took a simply plot and slowly turned it into a beautiful idea and emotionally heart-warming at the end. The themes are sweet: following what you truly want. At times, the story was a bit repetitive, and it didn't have a very strong plot, but the story was certainly relatable and enjoyable. Like the other reviewer said, it could be a midge improved - perhaps with more action or emphasising the character's feelings, or perhaps giving the story a twist. Other than that, it was quite well written!

Brilliantly Unique

The author had written an incredible story - a unique combination of apocalypse, human control and science - all mixed in one. Incredible, new ideas are represented throughout the story, which immerses you in a realistically written dystopian setting. The characters are, with time, defined and talk with amazing realism. The further I got, the more I was immersed in the book. At the start, I did find it hard to get into the story, perhaps because I'm not an apocalyptic fan, perhaps because I found it hard to remember all the new names appearing. That would be my only true critique: the start was hard to get into, and there were too many names at the same time. However, by page 130, the tension is rising, and it becomes a suspenseful read - I wanted to turn the page and just keep on reading. Your writing style is wonderful, and I must give you credit for crafting a unique, wonderful story and great characters manifold!
(Sorry for the time it took me to get this review done.)

Good Message

I like what you wrote because such messages are so important. Forgiveness is so important. This prose is rhythmic, without rhyme - but generally well paced. Most lines fit in with the ones around it, making the prose easy and quick to read, without there being a 'blockage' in the flow. I like the fact that you've taken history and used it for this important message about forgiveness. I pointed out a flaw at the end, but mostly, the poem was pretty flawless. Nice!

Criminal!

Wow. The first chapter starts off with a strong narrative - clearly you've made it well into your character's head. With wonderful realism (according to the character) you describe the world around and the MC's thoughts. Your dialogue is often missing punctuation - full stops and commas especially - and occasionally, there could be a bit more detail (or showing.) You do a wonderful job of characterising Persephone, and you have an interesting premise with an interesting character. Despite being in need of a little editing, it was a fast, enjoyable read!

Perfect for food lovers, cooks and new business men

This is the perfect book for food lovers, new business men and maybe even cooks. The narrative style is wonderful - a narration similar to a tasty combination between L.M.Montgomery and Bram Stoker. I started reading this wanting to reach chapter three to review - and ended up reaching page 77 (and I will probably continue because I want to see your business work!) I’m younger than most, and even so I enjoyed this too. You have a fine way of talking, narrating, and your honesty - even about lying and such - adds character and humanity to the book. I love the way you and Athena work together - you seem a nice pair - and the recipes you put in the book make it even better! I’d be curious about trying the cucumber soup - well, we’ll see. I also loved that you shared some of your expertise - for example about fresh fish or cooking cream. This is both a good memoir and a good manual with a lovely story to liven it up. Different to everything else I’ve read in a unique, enjoyable way. Well done!

Cool!

I really enjoyed the premise of your story. Your characters seemed realistic, and I liked your plot. I am sorry about the low ratings, but I want to explain them. I loved the story, but it is in need of a little bit of editing (I hope you will take this constructively.)
First of all, review your text for punctuation, extra words, and too long sentences. Many of your sentences went on for too long. Try cutting a few of them. Also, you tell instead of showing. To remedy this, I'd suggest more description (to give us an idea of the setting and characters - I'm really curious about what Lord Draven looks like!) and also more dialogue. Take time on the different scenes. Show us the MC talking with her boss. Show their body language to portray what they're feeling.
That was all I didn't like. But now to the positives: I loved the eerie feeling you created at the end. You gave us dreams and mystery and the unknown. Furthermore, your characters are interesting. I would love to pursue a journalist's adventure - and with Lord Draven, the mystery is heightened. This could become such a beautiful book! It has a strong plot. It just needs a little work, but even so, I enjoyed it!

Nice!

This was certainly a fun read! I liked the way you portrayed the future, enjoyed the emotions, and found this a quite light-hearted quick read. Your sentences are clear, although a few at the start could be edited to sound more natural. The main thing you need to edit is the mistakes. There were often words missing or words too much, as well as a few verbs written in past tense instead of present.
Other than that, this was great! I loved the way it was written - the only reason you had a 4 in writing style was because of awkward sentences (which I'm sure you can change easily.) also, the ending seemed rushed. Perhaps try giving the character time to think about Ronnie. The questions at the end seemed forced.
Also, I like it that you'll be talking about a relationship that didn't work because most books don't talk about that, and I wish you good luck! I also think it's an important theme that isn't talked much about in society. Nice!

Great start!

I loved the way you wrote this story. It was easy to recognise the characters, and it was a new plot I hadn't read ever (as in, it was different to any other, without any cliches as far as I'd read.)
The dialogue was good; your characters seemed realistic. I also enjoyed the action and the setting.
Your only problem here is that you have to cut some unnecessary words out. Occasionally, you also had a few errors. For example, you once forgot the second pair of speech marks.
Other than that, this was well written and interesting to read. Nice!

On Wattpad

I really enjoyed reading this - it was definitely short, quick and fun, with nice interactions and nice characters. I was curious about chapter 2, which has not come out yet. Considering this is not in my favourite genre, I gave to give a kuddos. It was well written, and I hope to see more. Keep writing!

Great Premise

I loved the dystopian flair of the novel, watching how society had turned out - and how people sealed with technology! I loved that idea, and sometimes, I really wondered whether Model 10 had some human aspects due to emotion!
My only problem with this novel was sentence structure. Your sentences almost always started with he or she. Usually 6 times in a row. Two times is okay, but try to change that. Also, it sometimes seemed as if you had simplified some things. There was a lot of repetition and sometimes, the paragraphs could be cut in favour of a shorter, more concise one.
Other than that, I absolutely love the story idea. I think this could turn into something supreme. I hope it's not offensive - I just think a round of editing would make the story that much better.
Also, you always said things like, "She slightly smiled." Either, you can cut the slightly out, or change it to, "She smiled slightly."
Oh, and I love the hook in the middle of the book with Ten! A slight twist, great! :) Good luck! Hope this was helpful.

Great Start, Promising!

Despite several tense errors, this story began immediately with a good amount of suspense. I also loved the main character and Kyle, as well as think they both have mysterious, interesting background stories. Very nicely done!

Brilliant and Dark

At first I wasn't sure all the poems followed each other in sequence o make a story, but in the end, I think they do. I like the way they fit together like pieces of a puzzle, colouring a picture of destruction and slowly building a story. Although most poems seemed quite similar and there could have been a little more variety, I really enjoyed your style. Very nicely written!

Typical Life of Me

I liked the way you had a pretty relatable character for a teenage audience, and you also had a distinct teenage voice.
However, I believe the story is in need of editing. First off, you need paragraphs, and you should also revise the spelling of "there, their and they're." Also, many of the characters were cliche - ranging from a b***** Jasmin on the intercom, blabbing to the others, too. Also, you have a very normal day free of characters - I read once (in I believe the Nelson Agency Blog) that a normal day is not the best way to intrigue a reader. Try putting more description and showing instead of telling.
Apart from the critique above, I am sure this story can become something beautiful. Your grammar was pretty good except for the paragraph issue, forgetting speech marks and mixing up "their" and "there." This can become something beautiful with a small edit, so good luck!

A Boy and his Tiger

I really enjoyed this story and - especially - the warm feeling the end gave me. It was one of those stories I really enjoyed, and reminded me of a supreme book I'd read once about bears, which had a similar, beautiful ending.
I like your writing style, too, although I'd like to offer a little critique. I hope you don't mind! The things I thought you should improve were showing instead of telling.
For most of the story, you were telling us what Aleksei was doing. Instead, perhaps you could show us one of Aleksei's memories: like the one of his parents' death etc. Also, if he's afraid, show it. Instead of saying "he was afraid," try something like "Aleksei's skin blanched. He wanted to curse himself beneath his breath, but the giant cat was in front of him. He couldn't move. He couldn't make a sound. His eyes darted to either side, searching for the right weapon. Perhaps the (enter weapon here)? However, it was futile."
Of course, don't use this text necessarily: it's just an example of showing fear an anger. Once, you did say "Aleksei froze" and that was brilliant. It gave me a true image of his reaction.
Other than that, a very warm kind of story. I hope the advice helps! I really enjoyed reading this, so well done! Nicely written!
Lastly, if you do edit this story, feel free to ask me to have a look! I would also then edit this review accordingly. :)

Brilliant, Fast-Paced Must Read

This story was brilliant. One minute I found myself on page 18, the next on page 23. It was hooking, well written, intriguing and told by a brilliant narrative style. The grammar was almost flawless too, so I definitely recommend this book. Supreme read!

Intriguing Start!

I loved the cliffhanger, the start, the mysterious feeling of darkness. I also loved the third person narrative, which gave me an idea of the strong MC. I also enjoyed the general setting and description. I believe there were a few awkward sentences and perhaps one mistake, but these are probably opinion. I loved the read. Well done!

Out Of The Mouth Of Dialysis

I really enjoyed this story, which was really well written. The character was unique, consistent, and cared a lot for his sister. I loved his relationship towards Orion and the general way he wanted to stand up to bad situations. I also loved the story's realism, although it had a few dark themes.
There were a few more mistakes in chapter 3 than otherwise, but in general, this story was really nice. Well done!

Nice Start

I enjoyed reading especially the first chapter with the writing. I also loved the writing style and the general story idea. However, I thought the thing with the cyber bullying was spring on me too fast, as if the author had just had the idea that it'd be a nice input in the story. The way you could improve in that, I'd say, is to write in sole thoughts from the MC's pespective, which hint at fear or wondering who does that kind of stuff and why. Or if it's the first time she has the problem, show us her surprise.
Other than that, it was quite good, well done!

Beautiful and Emotional

This is the kind of book full of difficulty but also beauty. Fully edited and finished, I think I'd buy it in a bookstore.
It was written absolutely beautifully.
There were only few mistakes, (the most common one was 'too' instead of 'to') and the whole thing made the reader feel the emotions the MC felt. I loved it. Well done!

Nice!

I loved the idea of the dating website, its consequences, and the relationship between Jezzabel and Scarlett. Especially this relationship and Adam's positive response to it. I also enjoyed the setting with the precise paintings etc. I'm afraid I skipped some parts seeing as I'm not into erotica, but otherwise it was a simple and nice plot. I also liked the fact that you had hardly any grammar mistakes and the writing style was fast and free. Everything was really well written. The only thing I think you could have improved was really the hook of the story.
Well done!

Unique, Emotional Ride

This is not the type of book I usually read, but it ended up being a really beautiful, well thought-out and written read. I loved the way there were no loops in the story, the way the characters changed over time, and the moral included. I also loved the emotion- I really found myself grasping at the story in the second half of the book especially, just wanting the characters to pull through. There were also very nice twists, and the ending! Wow.
The most common mistake you made was "wakened." That should be "woke up" and "awakened" should be "awoke." You also made some tense mistakes here and there as well as a few typos, but overall, your grammar was impeccable, the writing beautifully descriptive with a deep, dark setting.
Well done!

Thrilled

If anyone's looking for a story they could read in one go and be thrilled during the ride, this is the one. The tension just built and built and there was beautiful realism included in the supernatural.
There were a few mistakes, but the grammar was generally supreme and the story had a quick and flowing pace.
I'd like to point the few mistakes out though. You wrote, "I know Grandma Rose gives all these weird things for you on your birthdays." and this is not really a mistake as such, but I believe it'd be better as, "I know Grandma Rose gives all these weird things to you on your birthdays."
"A mirror that falls of a wall or breaks or cracks under mysterious circumstances are said to be haunted." The "are" should be "is."
"suspected their daughter of an illicit affair that she vehemently denied, but her parents wont believe her." The "won't" should be "wouldn't."
"at which point you entered and was never able to get out again," in which "was" should be "were."
Also, you always use this: "***" as page breaks. Inkitt asks for the special page break to be used. I hope this was helpful.
However, once again, this was a fantastic read. Well done!

Casual turns Horrific

At the start, the piece was well written with nice little background details and relatively normal happenings. And then boom. The atlas room. Desolate. Deadly.
The old man's intentions were something completely out of the blue. I was waiting for the horror part, and I definitely wasn't disappointed, though I would like to point out a few mistakes, though the story was written really well.
"My college is in a city, and it is an expensive city. " You wrote this at the start, and explained it slightly afterwards. I would suggest to replace this with some facts, which prove how expensive it is, or leaving it out, as that is the only part in the novel where you really tell, not show. After that, you explain, which is good, but I find the sentence unnecessary. Also, there's the repetition of the word city.

Later you wrote, "Hello there," Said the man, ... "Said" should be small.
"This pool was build by my father for my mother." In past tense, build is "built."
"It's sentimental and as so I want it kept in prime condition." Here, the "as" makes the sentence flow less well, so I think it would be better to get rid of that one word. Apart from that, the sentences are generally well made without extra words.
"I never spent more that five minutes in the atlas room," should be, "I never spent more than five minutes in the atlas room."
"and capping the expensive expensive bottle that was Jack's favourite drink." This has two times the word expensive, so either add a comma, or get rid of one of them.
"Tat night I was awakened by a tornado siren" "Tat" should be "that," though I understand that it's simply a typo.
"After a few minutes I moved down the steps into the atlas room." In this past sentence, you wrote atlas room again. The word "atlas" is mentioned too often, and it slows the reader down. Try using a few synonyms like map, or that desolate room...
"Behind the atlas, there was nothing darkness," should be "Behind the atlas, there was nothing but darkness."
"I could baarely see several oblong objects." Barely is misspelt.
"and getting smaller as they neared them bottom." Them should be the.
"the tornado was far less danger than the one I left behind." This sentence was was a great touch to the story! However, "danger" should be "dangerous."
I hope this helped! I simply am prone to noticing grammar mistakes, sorry.
Anyway, apart from those few ones, the story was marvelous (as you can see by my rating) and I also enjoyed the realistic sides of everything as well as the mystery and suspense behind the old man. Well done!

Dramatic Love

This book was a story with a refreshing POV and twists and turns, which were realistic to the characters. Though not what I usually read, it was a great read and I actually enjoyed it very much! I found it interesting the way Darren changed, they way people impacted his life, and the way Dude didn't seem to be able to restrain himself. I haven't read the ending, and in a way I both anticipate and fear it, because I want both Celiene and Kay to be happy- they're both such nice characters. Maybe Celiene will be together with Mr. Long?
Also, it was amazing how you made the characters so realistic and consistent.
Your only problem was the occasional grammar mistake, usually more frequently in the last chapters. You kept changing tenses- not very obviously, but it was still there. You also sometimes forgot the commas in speeches, for example, something like, "Darren come here," should have been "Darren, come here."
Sometimes, you also told emotions instead of showing them, though this was not a huge problem. It was most prominent in ch8.
There were also quite a few small mistakes, so I'd also suggest a beta-reader once you're done, though I'll already point a few out. In chapter 2, you wrote, "Lucy, I'm love with you." This should be, "Lucy, I'm in love with you.
Then, in ch4, it was written, "It was pretty rough time in my life," when it should have been, "It was a pretty rough time in my life." Also, watch out in ch4 for tense switching.
Also in ch4: "If Melissa didn't want to hang out, I knew were to find one." "were" should be "where."
"He, like me, was exited in Kay's presence," should have been written with "excited" instead of "exited."
Apart from the small mistakes, I really enjoyed the moral implications and troubles Dude had to face.