Kim Mazaraki

Ok I'm curious

You've created some interesting characters and importantly a nice dynamic between Margo and Lyon. I like how you've fleshed out the their relationship and what appears to be more recent awkwardness. Some of the dialogue really captures this well.

Most importantly you've grabbed my attention. In early chapters. You've teased me as a reader with subtle hints which is important to engage me.

There are a few things that I think you could improve on though. Firstly, proof read everything. There are lots of little mistakes which proof reading would pick up and make the reading experience more enjoyable.

Whilst you've used some excellent subtle descriptions, you also write some very detailed and long descriptions. I find this a technique which tells me too much too quickly, and often provides unnecessary detail and can distract from the plot moving forward.. Personally I like description to set the scene or to reveal just enough and save some things up for later when they become necessary.

One final point on descriptions, a couple of times you've used a formulaic style to describe characters, how tall they are, lots of details of their clothes etc. My preference would again be to tell me what I need to know, and hold the rest for when it could be useful.

All up I've enjoyed what you're doing with this and look forward to more, just please proof read the next installment.

I can relate

Great little story. So much of it resonates with me. Absolutely appreciate the internal conversations when it comes to analysing ones emotions.

I think you've captured a very simple but important essence about love and relationships.

Well done.

Enthralling

Really enjoyed this story. Loved the imagery you created, especially early. It set the scene magnificently. Hope there is a continuation of this as it seems there is so much more you could say and I'm intrigued.