hjwilder

Oklahoma, US

The novelist who learned to write from film and psychology.

No published stories yet

Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Great Potential

I just read the first chapter of this story and find myself very torn on my opinion of it. Technically speaking, I'm not too impressed. There are innumerable mistakes grammatically in the first chapter alone. This is especially clear when the story gets dialogue heavy.
Stylistically, however, Oblivion excels in its imagery and invokes illustrations of characters and situations that makes the story bounce along at an accelerated and interesting pace. It almost feels as though the author was so eager to tell this story, that they rushed to get it all down on paper and then, in their eagerness, immediately posted it for all to see without a deep cleanse editing session usually required for a first draft. The mistakes are elementary, so it's disorienting to see such sheer skill with the word play here in connection with it.
I'm also not entirely sure as to how the world is built in this tale. Whether we're in an alternate modern world--filled with cars and therapists--or if we're in a new world all together, which is how it feels when reading so many off the wall names. Once Pride and Prejudice is brought in, it's clear this is assumed to be of the previous instead of the latter, which brings me to my ultimate discordance with this story (though the world building could use a bit of polishing, in general).
Now, I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt regarding the author's relationship with therapy and just assume there isn't one. However, as an individual who literally works in this field, the entire personality of the Doctor is a pretty insulting implication on the ethical basis of license attainment--especially as a psychiatrist, which you're implying that he is. Unless he used his magic to completely forge his education, or you plan on taking this character to a place where we learn he wasn't always so insensitive, this base personality is completely incongruent with a mental health professional, especially during a session with a client, even if the meeting is considered a facade. If that's what you're going for, you need to make a point to say as much as quickly as you can. Otherwise individuals, such as myself, who work in this field are going to get very insulted very quickly and put your story down as being written by an individual who couldn't bother to do research on the professions of their characters. Keeping readers interested is hard enough as it is, you don't want to give them any ammunition to dislike your story.
That being said (and ultimately sounding extremely harsh, I know), this is a story filled to the rim with potential. A lot of these issues could be solved with a quick rewrite, so don't feel discouraged. I recommend finding an experienced beta reader to help you with constructive feedback. Feel free to message me if you have any questions on this review!

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