H.N.McIntosh

ello, want a detailed review? post your story and description on my wall. i prefer fantasy, romance, adventure, and thriller stories. i write, mostly, for myself.

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The Irision Review

I gave this novel an overall 4/5 stars because the worldbuilding is seamed amazingly into the story, the first person actually adds to the story, and the chapters all have some substance that adds to the story and fun. However, the characters seem a bit hard to tell apart (I know it's early so I won't judge too harshly), the story puts a lot of emphasis on what happened before but I can't really care about it since I don't know what the narrator experienced, and the visual description could be expanded upon slightly.

Suggestions:
The punctuation needs some improvement.

Notes:
I don't have a good experience with first-person stories (C 1).
I like this first-person storytelling though. It sort of establishes an unreliable narrator because of the trauma the narrator went through (C 1).
The only downside of telling of what happened after is that it feels like I'm supposed to care about something I know nothing about (C 1).
Oh, I'm starting to like this, Adds complexity. The way the narrator disagrees with the child's optimism of wanting to be in the narrator's shoes (C 1).
Honestly, This beginning gave me so many ideas and so much inspiration on what to add to my own novel. Thank you, even if it wasn't intentional. Definitely coming back to read more (C 1).
Damn. This chapter was interesting. It gave me visions of a setting full of rusty pipes and dirty buildings that contrast with the always clean robots that roam around (C 1).
This feels like a brief commentary on the school system and how you don't really learn but like remember. If you don't remember then you haven't learned (C 2) I might be looking too into this sorry.
The world-building is subtle and you made sure not to have an entire exposition dump. You mixed in it, I like it (C 2).
This feels too easy right now for my liking especially with the set up however as I said this is in the first person and the narrator seemed to experience a lot of trauma so (unreliable narrator. C 3).
I love this so far (C 3)!

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The Last Kelpie Review

I gave this novel an overall 3.5-4/5 stars because the main couple was interesting, the setting was decently laid out, and the plot was very interesting to read however the story was way too short, having a character who is consciously all-powerful gives the character little room for growth and depth, and some characters were more like caricatures.

Suggestions; Mistress Cole definitely needs more backstory to her, give her some depth. The conflict was resolved way too easily, up the stakes a bit or lower Gil's ability range to make it more intriguing but make sure not to wrap up the story quickly because it could be seen as a rushed ending.

Notes: I shall uppercut Mistress immediately. She should be thankful I haven't done it at all... yet (C.1).
There are some inconsistencies I have saw such as since he'd to finish" it could be "since he had to finish" rolls out more naturally (C.1).
A few grammatical errors also in the same paragraph: "It was a hot now" and "he'd no wish to be on the receiving...(C.1)"
First, the name Kelpie sounds adorable, and Second, I agree that they should leave them alone (C.1).
There needs to be some information about the Kelpies or the Faerlum because I'm reading and have no idea what the narrator is talking about. This ruins my immersion (C.1).
The straightacity of it all! I mean the heteronormativity showing out in here (C.1).
I'm 99.99 percent sure that Kelpie is harmless (C.2).
Smart dude (C.2).
Also, I was right the Kelpie is harmless (C.2).
I would have run away anyway, you never know if that strange knows someone from Tam's village (C.3).
"In my opinion" sounds rather modern for a story like this but perhaps I'm wrong (C.3).
Is his name Tam or Tom (C.3)?
Mistress Cole just likes attention from my perspective (C.3).
No longer confused about the name (C.4).
I see why the story is so short (C.5).
Wonder how this would be if this story was longer (C.5).
Let them be gay (C.6)! Always the conservative-minded individuals who tend to have the upper hand.
This all-powerful thing makes the story less impactful now that Gil can do almost anything he wants to (C.7).

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Him Review

I gave this novel an overall 3/5 stars because the main character seems to be complex, I like her dad and his characterization however Ryle's character seems to take a left out of nowhere right when Damien arrives, she is made out to be a damsel in distress for saving by a man, and there are many cliches that are not done any different than what I've read before.

Suggestions: If she was independent from the beginning of the story keep her independent and if she becomes more compliant as the story goes on have it gradually happen. SIx chapters in is too soon for me. Write cliches differently because it seems like every other story (Create a unique twist to the cliche). Show a flashback of Damien being abusive with her when she was close with another suitor of hers. Obviously abusive people can take a left out of nowhere however, some characters in stories take a left only because the plot required them to.

Notes: Well this intro is awkward. An intense scene is way too soon for me (C.1).
"he slips one finger inside my wet sex," huh? (C.1).
Unnecessary intro if you ask me. But, some people like that... I don't! (C.1).
Instead of using ***** use something that transitions the time smoothly such as "a couple of weeks later" or "a couple of hours later (C.1)."
You could give some characterization to the father, instead of describing him smiling, here you can say something about his character. Is he very stern? Explain his posture. Is he very carefree? Describe his messy hair (C.1).
Backstory, love that (C.1).
I truly think time can heal almost anything (C.1).
This seems like a typical story I've read before but I'll keep reading (C.1).
Well, this won't be relatable (C.2).
Ah, the cliche balcony scene (C.2).
Cliche after cliche huh (C.2)?
How do you yawn unladylike (C.3)?
Best? Not sure about that (C.3).
What she believes very much does matter SIR (C.3). Red flag #1
Interesting (C.4).
Damien is cool as long as they don't get into a love affair, I'll continue to like him (C.4).
Why didn't they go to Judge Raymond in the first place (C.5)? Clearing his name is a waste of time imo
I wonder if his change in behavior has been a constant thing or is she just falling out of love with him now that Damien is in her life (C.5)?
Her heels clicking on the floor appeared three times in six chapters (C.6).
So this behavior just changed out of nowhere? Has Ryle reacted like this when she had other suitors or is this the first time (C.6)?
Just break up with Ryle. She seems to fall out of love with him and in love with Damien so, just break up (C.6). Or is that too simple?
Does he do this every time she becomes close to a suitor or is this the first time he did this (C.7)? I just don't like when people just take a left because the plot needs it to happen.
I don't like that phrase, "The man that was supposed to be my savior..." It just makes her out to be a damsel in distress instead of the independent woman I presumed she would be (C.7).

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The American Requiem Review

I gave this novel an overall 4/5 stars because Amelia's subtle characterization is astonishing, her descent into madness was clear and captivating to read, her internal struggle was amazingly done, and the producer's character was very interesting however the story was way too short and at times I have no idea what's happening.

Suggestions: Make the story a little bit longer to add to the producer's and Roberta's character. This addition could help stir deeper feelings while reading. Them having more backstory gives them life instead of two characters who simply catalyst the conflict and climax.
Sometimes, I had no idea what was happening. Amelia stabbed Roberta but then she was hanging with her eyes wide open? That scene sort of pushed me out of my immersion.

Notes: The subtle characterization of Amelia is prominent even at the beginning of this story. Amazing (C.1).
I love how she is already characterized as a wannabe famous actress with her name engraved in stone who relies on substances to help her cope with what she sees as her failure to do so (C.1).
The story is very much grounded in reality, which is something I don't really like reading (C.1). However, I'm intrigued
I can feel Amelia's jealously and the tone of this story is set amazingly (C.2).
Her entitlement is showing (C.2).
"He" instead of "he" adds to the tone of the story as like someone above other people. He is immediately placed on a pedestal (C.2). AH, the familiar problem of idolization and the want for perfection when there's really no such thing.
Wow, that one paragraph of her feeling small under all of the super move stars and famously known 'superiors' is simply incredibly well put (C.2).
Comparing the producer to an all-knowing deity, I can see where her priorities lie (C.2).
Like I have said before the evident problem of human idolization because "he can do no wrong" takes away from the consciousness of his actions. He clearly knows what he's doing (C.2).
She was taken advantage of and still holds the producer higher than herself (C.3).
There's unnecessary repetition of the prologue in chapter two or three. Since it is a short story repeating phrases especially paragraphs are easily caught by the reader (C.3).
I love how while and after her trauma occurred is when the visual description gets farther from reality as Amelia sees herself as the rich and famous person she wants to become (C.4).
Honestly, the drawback to the mirror scene after she was taken advantage of is very clear in my mind's eye and very effective. The version of herself that was grounded in reality is no longer there (C.4).
- continuation of the last point: Her innocence was taken away from her so she built a new reality in her head which is why she seems to be having a sort of out-of-body experience.
"The empty shell of a woman (C.4)" Marvelous line.
The fact that her white dress is untouched by Roberta's blood but her body was desecrated by someone else's touch (C.4).
She made her own reality for herself. The wording is no longer realistic but something in a dream (C.5).
This ending was WOW (C.4)!

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Nature Calls, Spring Review

I gave this novel an overall 3/5 stars because the highschool setting is relatable, the chapters are rather short and easy to read, most of the characters were given backstory which is AMAZING and there's a decent balance between the magical aspects and the scientific/realistic aspects however there was excessive use of the word gape(d) and gawk which could have been substituted for something different, all these characters are overwhelming especially at the beginning of a story, some of the descriptive imagery is not as clear, some scenes are more dramatic than I think it needed to be (not speaking of the panic attacks by the way), and the subtle inclusion of overused cliches that couldn't have been executed uniquely.

Suggestions: If you include a character give them some detail because adding caricatures are not exactly ideal and sort of obvious. Add tropes and give them a twist, like make the mean girls nice or make the mean girls related so as the reason they stick together or if they are related give them some background. When introducing a lot of characters give the reader some time to breathe, not sure how you could do this but it would help if your reader is not overwhelmed by the number of characters in the story.

Notes: The poor insulation part of their high school is definitely relatable (C.1).
I show disinterest when one character captivates EVERYONE'S attention like there have to be a few students who don't care (C. 2).
"Was she really a teenager?" Not sure what that implies (C.2).
If I hear gaped ONE MORE TIME. I will punch myself (C.2).
Am I just an overall sad person or do people genuinely squeal? Especially in unison (C.2).
I saw gaped again, due to self-preservation instincts I didn't punch myself as hard as I thought I would.
I DO declare, Jaime is my favorite character and my new girlfriend (C.3).
The visual description of Gust was simple yet I can see exactly how he looks like (C.6). Well, the rest of the characters, I'm not sure.
Honestly overwhelmed (C.6)
I need a character chart for all of these characters (C.7).
Hm, I see Fauna can't forgive humans because of course humans were the cause of suffering no matter what story they're in (C.7).
Anyway, I like Fauna (C.7).
I respect a loving and supportive family (C.7).
Woo, the bullies are here *eye roll* (C.8) Oh and the bully is somewhat related to the football team? Not surprised just disappointed.
Still waiting on the gay (C.8).
Ah yes, the mean girls... Why did I think the trio would be different and actually be kind for a change (C.8)?
I'm assuming Flora is a self-insert just by her paragraph-long response to Jocelyn's insult (C.8).
Flora, for the love of me, please stop making it about you (C.9).
Why is this girl here? What is her purpose in this story (C.10)? Is she just there to help build a connection between Leif and Gust?
Yeah WAY too many characters (C.10)
I think humans were a mistake in the matrix (C.13).
Well, that was dramatic (C.18-19).

Anyway overall, I liked the story despite disliking modern fantasy.

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