Okay, let me make this short, simple, and sweet.
Read the story now
When you’re writing dialogue, I noticed you write in bold. Why is that? For dialogue I don’t think you need to write in bold. Italic, maybe, if you’re enunciating something, but bold doesn’t do any good.
Second, make sure you write quotation marks at the ending AND beginning of your dialogue. I noticed a few times throughout where it’s just dialogue and then one quotation at the end... there’s also one at the beginning. But it’s a small matter, just a few times I noticed it.
Another thing is that when you’re writing dialogue you tend to punctuate repeatedly. What I’m meaning to say is you add multiple question marks at the end, or exclamation points, whatever it is. There is only need for one, I’m pretty sure. If you add two or three, it seems desperate and most of the time you just need one. Also make sure when you add a comma, there’s a space between the comma and the word after it.
Really all I’m saying with this is the dialogue, so congratulations with everything else it really isn’t a bad book. Good start, and happy to have made this review. Hope you don’t take offense to what I’m telling you, just trying to help you with your future works.