Holly Hamilton

C-drama enthusiast. Fantasy nerd. Hopeless romantic (especially the tragic kind). ♥️♥️♥️ B&B being updated. LPTF will be updated when B&B is complete.

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Good!

I wonder what happened to Ava! I imagine it'll probably come out in the next few chapters. The pacing was good, not too quick and not too slow. One thing I would look at is the telling at the beginning of chapter 1. You do tell us quite a lot of background information about Ava and some bits about her uncle. I think it would be better if you started straight into the immediate moment and let those bits come out through the dialogue. I would also have a closer look at punctuation with commas and fullstops in places. Sometimes they're missing or a comma is used instead of a fullstop. And finally, I would also check that you are using present at all times in the immediate moment (except for referring to events prior to the story), as there are a few thatslip into past.

But overall a very good start! Keep it up :)

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Intriguing Start to a Gothicy Dark Romance (i think? Will think of a better title lmao)

I always like reviewing stuff for general thoughts but ofc one chapter hardly warrant a proper book review! So if you continue updating, I'll try to keep this review also updated!

***

So, I was lurking the review thread like I do for anything interesting and decided to give your story a shot because the blurb you posted (loving all the description in it) and you had the dream of the Ordrak at the end and it really didn't disappoint! Just oozing with atmosphere and abstractness and this lovely dark gothicy vibe going on which I absolute dug. Also looveed this line: "Queen, queen, queen." A pause. "Dead." Just so oooohhhaahhhh interesting. Atmospheric. Yum.

Also enjoyed Charlie's argument with the guard at the beginning (lmao why did I start with the ending first?? Doesn't make much sense) because obviously it set up the world and her character and the Ordrak mentions for later in the chapter. I think this is meant to be russiany inspired perhaps? I'm curious as to where you've chosen to set it. I could maybe see Norse working from the place and character names, but my mind jumps to Russia because one of the last books I read "Wicked Saints" had these gothicy vibes. The very ending of the book reminds me a bit of a male character at the end who undergoes a demonic metamorphosis (no spoilleerrrssss in case you haven't heard of this book!)

I did see on the review page that you're new to inkitt (me tooooo) but also that you're new to (fiction) writing in general? Not sure how long you've been writing for but you totally nailed the lovely descriptiony bits. I'm going to assume you are newish to (fiction) writing (sorry if I'm mistaken!!!) because while yes, there are a lot of tense issues that need working on and I think you could benefit from looking at dialogue tagging etc, otherwise your SPaG (spelling, grammar, punctuation) are flawless! Which is why I was so pedantic pointing out because I feel if you are newish to specifically fiction writing, it is something you'll pick up and be away with in absolutely no time!

Anyway, this is definitely a story I plan to follow as you update (*fingers crossssedddd*), especially if you are new and are looking to improve. I think you have loads of potential and this story is very intriguing with all its gothicyness.

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A Good Start!

I feel so sorry for the situation that Emma is - her stepfather is a horrible, horrible man and I hope she manages to find a way out.

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Strong Lead!

Really enjoying Ares's character so far and how determined she is to kill those who killed her father! She also stands up for herself no matter if it's the Colonel or other women looking down on her. I also really like the way that Skip contrasted her strong personality and the dynamic between them :)

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Solid Start!

The lore in this world is very interesting, in that the elemental magic is tied to specific "sources" located in Alterdam. I also liked the mention of war here and there, it shows that eventually these chapters will be leading up to something important. I also would like to know why Lea's eyes are golden even though she is a blue and can control water, and I expect that will be a major plot point.

For the most part, SPaG (spelling, grammar & punctuation) seems of good quality aside from the odd typo here and there (which happen to us all) and the odd tense switch. An example of this is: "she'll be left alone in this place" which should be "she would be left alone in this place" (will - present future, would - past future -- if that makes sense?) Another was "she had recently got those bangs after she got the envelope and elixir." I would instead recommend: "she had recently gotten these bangs after getting the envelope and elixir". Another thing with punctuation is to just watch with the fullstops at the end of dialogue. I think it was in chapter 2 where a list of names is read out. They should be punctuated like this: "Aliah Bell." There are other instances where some fullstops are missing, too.

The Hogwarts references made me chuckle. One thing I was wondering is if going to Alterdam us as simple as closing her eyes and picking it, how come she never tried to go there beforehand? Especially because she was dying to as a kid?

Overall this is a solid start to a story and I'm sure you have lots of things up your sleeve in regards to the war and her golden eyes :)

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