Jadis

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Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Lots of Issues

Interesting exercise. Very reminiscent of a novel I read in high school.Needs more careful proofing. Hard to follow sometimes because of the jagged editing. Some redundancy - too many adjectives. Some technical errors in the routines & procedures of patient care. Interview a medical practitioner for correct practices and terminology. For example: it isn't vegitated. The correct word is vegetative. (By the way, Karlis wouldn't be described vegetative. A vegetative patient would not have these higher brain functions and therefore, no torment. He is a non-verbal quadriplegic.) More importantly, there is no story. No character, no story. We don't know Karlis or see his torment and we don't see any compassion or valiance in Ana. Illuminate the experience and you'll have a moving story. I would love to see the re-write.

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Review of The last Moment

Thank you for your intriguing an adaptation of the biblical story. You do need to proof your text more carefully and pay more attention to grammar, syntax and idiom. As for your style, it is a bit muddled. As a reader I do not want to be impressed. I want the story to illuminate. I want to know who the observer is. (I assume it is the divinity but...?) What is the purpose of observing Rita? What is the observer's conclusion? What is the resolution to the question peace vs regret? Is there a lesson to be learned here?

I think your story would be more impact-full if it were written in first person. This POV would give us insight into Rita's motives, reasoning and rationalizations. If she actually believes she is living a life of no regrets or if she questions her faith in good works? Where did she get the notion n the first place and why does she devote her life to it if she has doubts?

I would be very interested in seeing a rewrite that goes deeper.

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