jillhope2

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Good start

Of course there's only so much I can say about one chapter, but it is certainly packed with lots of interesting information about your characters! I'd love to learn more about 'The Bloody Queen' and her being trained as an assassin and of course her potential beau. There's a lot going on, and a lot that's still unknown, but certainly a lot of intrigue that will keep the readers coming back.

I would say that I think it's important to add quotation marks to the characters dialogue so it's easier to tell what is being said and what is just description. It's a little jarring without that. But otherwise I think it's very interesting and has a lot of potential.

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Fun and Fantasy

There are so many elements here that make for a fantastic story. The twins separated at birth, their journey to discovering their powers and meeting again, and saving their kingdom- it's fascinating and it's such a fun read!

My only real issue is that I would love to see more vivid descriptions of the world and some more character building. I'd love to see more from Carter earlier on so we can establish what kind of character he is and really enjoy the bond he has with Brittani later. A little more color and description brought into the world would make it more believable and maybe slow down the pace just a little so the reader can fully grasp this amazing world you've built. I'd love to see it!

But really, what you have here is a fantastic foundation and it'll only grow as you continue to work on it. Well done!

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The apocalypse!

The author certainly has a way with words! It really does draw you in, makes you feel the panic that the characters are feeling. It's definitely a strong start.

My main suggestion would be to give more context to the surroundings, and maybe give more interesting dialogue to understand the characters a bit more! Screaming obscenities, while totally understandable and acceptable given the circumstances, doesn't really teach us much about your characters aside from their completely legitimate fear. I hope as the story goes on we'll get some nice dialogue from them! And I'd love more descriptions of the surroundings and locations, even if they're zipping past them in a car, so we get a bit more feeling.

Still, a very solid beginning and I'm sure the author has more in story in the future! Well done.

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Fascinating

What an interesting world this author has built! The disease is terrifying, and the characters are interesting, and there are wild plot twists. I'm very curious to continue to learn more about this world and what it all means!

My main suggestion would be to make it a little more obvious when time changes or a character changes because it can be confusing when one paragraph is one person talking, and the very next is either a flashback or different character with no indication it changed. But otherwise it's very good, keep up the good work!

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Dark Teen Drama

The title is really the best description. Dark teen dramas are so popular right now and this one definitely fits into that list. It has interesting characters and lots of twists and turns that sometimes made me feel absolutely horrified for the characters. Even the beginning of the story pulls no punches.

It's definitely not a story for someone looking for a happy ending or just a happy vibe, but if you want a heavy, dark drama that has a lot of intrigue and shock factor, then this is definitely what you're looking for.

There wasn't really anything I noted as an issue, there were a couple grammatical errors that I noted but nothing that couldn't be cleaned up with a quick run through. Otherwise it was well written.

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A strong beginning

I hope you'll be writing more to this, because I'm very intrigued! I'd love to know about this mist, what the significance is to it, and why it's been dark there long enough that the characters appear to be used to it. How mysterious!

I'm also curious to know why each character's name has a ' after the first part of their name. It feels a bit strange, but if a reason is given I'd totally be willing to understand it in the context of the world you're building. Very interested to see more from this.

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Eerie!

What a fascinating short piece. It was just the right length, if it had gone on too long it likely would have caused readers to lose interest, but the length is perfect for leaving the reader with a 'wow what did I just read??? that was so creepy!' feeling.

Definitely gives a lot of curiosity about what happened, and why this man became so lost in his grief that he's become absolutely delusional. It definitely gave me call backs to creepy horror movies or horror games where villains are dialoguing somewhere and you can hear them talking to something dead, or to the air, or something else. It has the perfect vibe for that.

I noticed a couple grammatical errors, but nothing too glaring. I almost wondered if it was on purpose because it's his dialogue so maybe his words aren't always coming out just right. Either way, I think your writing style is great and definitely keep up the good work!

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A great start!

Six chapters in and I'm already excited to see what's coming next. Your lead character is very strong and confident, and I'm intrigued by that dream sequence she had. I wonder what that means for her? Obviously she doesn't want a suitor, so I'm sure that'll be an area of struggle for her and it'll be interesting to see what her father does.
The world you built and continue to build is very interesting, and even if we're only seeing a part of it because we can only see what the lead sees, I'll be excited to see how it expands in the future. Your writing style is very good, very engaging, and makes me want to read more. Definitely keep up the good work!

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Wow

That's really the first thing that came to my mind: wow. This story is simple, but it's so fun and engaging to read! I love the premise of having a guardian angel, or some such creature, always watching for us poor humans as we go about our day and it was so fun to read about the incidents James was rescued from throughout his normal day.

The authors writing style fits the story very well, despite how short it is it ends perfectly for the story. I'd love to see more from this concept and this author. Very well done!

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Great start!

The first two chapters are really exciting to read. The introduction is great, it grips the reader and gives a reason to continue to find out what happens to the Queen and her daughters in the future after such a disaster.

I didn't see any glaring errors or grammatical issues. I felt it was easy to read and understand.

I look forward to see what is going to happen as it continues!

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Very interesting Beginning

Stories involving mafia/organized crime are always very interesting, and this one is no different. It's a very dark story with a dark lead, as expected, but I would personally love even more background on him and what led him to do such violent acts. Obviously he's been trained up in this lifestyle, but I just love hearing more about what makes a character into what they are. Still, we get bits and pieces and it's very interesting to follow!
My only suggestion would be to fix the first two chapters- or the intro and prologue I think they are. Making more paragraphs so it's not a massive block of text to read will make it easier for readers! And there are some grammatical errors throughout, but a quick comb over the chapters can clean that up. Otherwise I believe there's a lot of good story fuel here and I'm excited to see what happens. Well done!

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Excitement Abounds!

I'm very happy that I had the opportunity to read this- there is so much potential for fun to happen as this goes on! Magic, adventure, intrigue, elves, and humans. It's the perfect recipe for a fun fantasy story. Emma, the lead character, is absolutely charming in her bookworm way and her love of reading is certainly relatable.
The read was very enjoyable, save a few grammatical errors that can be easily remedied. The author has obviously put a lot of love and care into this work and will certainly continue to give great chapters in the future. Well done!

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Mystery!

Wow, this is a very strong start. The prologue is great to draw in readers- it's shocking and makes you wonder what led up to that situation! I'm intrigued. The next chapter is a great starter, and I'm looking forward to seeing what these characters do. Definitely a strong start, I can't wait to see more.

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Humor indeed!

I really like the humorous nature of this story. The authors writing style is very engaging and makes it easy to get invested in the read. I think it is definitely going to be interesting to see where this story leads, but it will undoubtedly be rife with humor and chaos!

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Ready for more!

I really enjoy where this story is going. The author has built a vast world with lots of intricate things going on, and characters that are fascinating. The prologue is a little rough, I think if that was cleaned up it would be easier to draw the reader in. Otherwise I really enjoyed reading onward and I think the world being built is going to be worth discovering more about in the future.

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Very engaging story

This story so easily draws you into this intriguing world. The main character is so sweet and kind, it's really inspiring to see a girl that should be totally worn out by the cruel world still remain so kind. Of course she has her moments of being angry at circumstances, but overall she keeps her kind and gentle demeanor. I really enjoyed seeing her as the lead of this story, and I look forward to reading more in the future.

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Absolutely beautiful world/plot

I have to say, I absolutely love the world that is built into this story. I am a very detail-oriented person and I love an in depth story, and that's exactly what we get here. It's a hearty read that makes you truly cheer the heroes on in a world that is truly unjust and cruel to them. I loved every minute of it. If you enjoy a story about rebellion with a lot of intriguing world plot points sprinkled throughout- this is definitely the book for you. I look forward to reading more in the future.

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Intrigue and Excitement

Very well written characters, interesting world and plot, and intriguing overall. If you're interested in a read with some spicy-ness, then this is for you. The characters are interesting and even with the length of the story it continues to draw you in. Well done!

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