Broken Laws of Attraction
(Sorry this is late!) You mentioned in the blurb this was the first book you’d ever written. Congrats on it! It takes a lot of time and a lot of patience to get something out there, and even if it’s not perfect, you should be extremely proud of what you’ve made here! :)
Read the story now
Overall, I think this book was rather endearing, sweet, and had good messages. As a first draft, it’s definitely good, but like any book, it does have some down points that can be improved. I’ve put down three things to help you with your first draft:
Tense confusion: You jump back and forth in the same sentence; to help the reader differentiate between the past and what’s really going on in the moment stick with the appropriate one. For the most part, it seems to be written in past tense, so make sure everything reflects that.
Sentence fragments: There were quite a few instances where I noticed the sentence/thought wasn’t complete. Authors can sometimes get away with this, but you really have to be confident in knowing where/how to execute it. For now, it’s better to make sure you have complete sentences.
Showing vs. Telling: All stories need a bit of both, but you generally will want more showing than telling. For example, Kiara’s a mother fiercely devoted to her daughter, right? Instead of telling us outright, show it with the type of actions that would reflect that protectiveness, and that huge amount of love! :)
I hope this helped. Happy reading, and the best of luck to you!